Because you left

poem

Because you left

Because you left the house on that day

The flowers in our garden aren’t growing

I put on a a fake smile in every way

Although weariness started showing

 

Ever since you left me behind like this

The blood in my veins stopped flowing

The pieces of my heart ache and miss

For its last piece is still lost and missing

 

I sent letters in hope of finding you

For you left the door open before leaving

Even if it’s a long time it will pass me through

Because you left me hurt yet worrying.

 

Author's Note

reviews are welcomed~

Reviews

[Luke Masters]

:( Hope you're okay. I don't like reviewing emotive poems... it seems invasive and wrong. I don't know why. Well, that's not true - It's because I believe the one great thing about poetry and good poets is the way that your emotions come out onto the paper and how they are always right for you. Poetry is valuable for that reason - for it's ability to relieve - so I don't like commenting on people's poems.

But... you asked, right? I really liked the first stanza and the ryhmes worked well which added to the flow of the piece. But flowing/missing in the second stanza and leaving/worrying in the third didn't work for me. After the first stanza's clean ryhme, I expected the rest of the poem to follow suit and so they were perhaps a little more jarring than they would have been if the whole ryhing system was a little more consistant. In the first stanza growing/showing flows really well and sets the reader up to think these are the sorts of rhymes that will follow.

Aside from that - your poem, your emotions. You know how you want it to sound and how it will represent your feelings. If it feels right to you - that's the only important thing here and I would say leave it as it is.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Simply powerful words of heartache... I know I can relate.

[Danny J.H.]

probably the best sad love poem i have read(: send me more of your writing!

[*Evelen*]

This poem was sad and hit my heart as I was reading it. Well done.

[.]

The third stanza of this piece was my favorite. The main reason for this is because I think it had the most interesting image. I like the connotations that come from the part that reads "I sent letters in hope of finding you/For you left the door open..." That image carries more weight with it than just what's there, and it is the image you used most effectively. I think that if you tweaked the images that you have in the other stanza, they would be more effective. One example is the "fake smile" in your first stanza. I understand what the image is trying to do, but "fake smile" sounds cliche to me. I've heard it a lot, and I would like to see you work something else in there to really make that image stand out. I just want something there that will really grab me and pull me in to what you're writing. The same feeling applies for the second stanza and "pieces of my heart." There was one other thing that got me about this poem. I understand repetition, but it felt a little overwhelming in this piece. The verb "to leave" is used three times in the last stanza (changes tense once) and then once in ever stanza above it. For only 12 lines of poetry, that's a lot to use that one word. I think if it wasn't used three times in the last stanza, it wouldn't stick out so much, cause I understand why you have it repeated. Some of the sentence structure seemed to repeat a lot. A lot of that is what I think you're going for. Maybe think about throwing in some really different sentences for your other ones so that it offsets what you have repeated. Overall I think you have a good poem here. Anything that I had some issues with were just things that could use some tweaking. Nothing real major. I like the brevity of this piece, and I think with the tweaking, it could add a lot more power to what you are saying, and really capture the reader's attention

[AJChallenger]

This is a nice piece, you're doing well.

[Coyote Poetry]

Poem is beautiful and sad. The poem is complete. You told a sad story of lost and hope of rebirth. Left me with a ending of hurt and concern. You said a lot in this short and well written poem. A excellent poem. Thank you.
Coyote

Nice work here. Good use of rhyming and that greatly strengthens the poem's message.

[Juan]

Without a doubt a melancholy piece but a good one none the less.

[alan khan]

sad story. powerful piece. nice work.