Because you left

poem

Because you left

Because you left the house on that day

The flowers in our garden aren’t growing

I put on a a fake smile in every way

Although weariness started showing

 

Ever since you left me behind like this

The blood in my veins stopped flowing

The pieces of my heart ache and miss

For its last piece is still lost and missing

 

I sent letters in hope of finding you

For you left the door open before leaving

Even if it’s a long time it will pass me through

Because you left me hurt yet worrying.

 

Author's Note

reviews are welcomed~

Reviews

[Patches I'm not so new..]

I like the poem and the idea presented however the ing ending is usually frowed upon by publishers so if you plan to have poems published down the line I would suggest using that particular ending only if absolutely unavoidable.

[Su' Nacnetaf]

A sentiment of sweetness and longing came to me when reading this. Great writing.

[Clarisse Nanoit]

I like the premise for certain. It's a grand idea. I liked the way you talked about how the flowers stopped growing and all that and I liked the detail of the door left open (it signifies the narrarator's need for closure), so kudos on that. I still didn't like the rhythm. I think it's something you might struggle with... I've noticed it's a recurring issue in your poetry. I apologize in advance, but I'm going to Kristen-ify your entire poem to see if you get where I'm coming from:

"Because you left the house that day
The flowers in our garden aren’t growing
I faked a smile as is my way,
Although distress began showing

Ever since you left me behind this way
The blood in my has veins stopped flowing;
The pieces of my heart long and ache
and the winds have ceased their blowing. ((*I hate this line; I just was writing something quick... lol))

I sent letters in hopes that some soon day
I could find out where you are going
For you left the door open when you went away;
without you, there's no hope of it closing..."

So the last line is still a little off as far as rhythm, but it's a better ending spot than where you left us off. Do you see where I'm coming from? Usually, when I read your poetry, I don't feel like the narrarator was done talking... But that's just me. Thanks for sharing this with me. Pretty imagery! =)
KH

[Bhavya Kaushik]

"Even if it’s a long time it will pass me through
Because you left me hurt yet worrying."

beautiful...simply beautiful....This poem is a part of you, with raw and vivid emotions which any reader can truly acknowledge..simply beautiful...

[Katie Wan]

This was a beautiful poem. It hits home. The emotion is expressed wonderfully. I really enjoyed it.

[Elfinpunk]

Another perfectly expressed poem... well done and thankyou :-) it's just right.

[Sasha]

Very well written. :)
Its the kind of writing that brings back both pleasant as well as painful memories.
This poem will touch hearts.
Good job.

[Ross Saunders]

Very nice. A good read. A lot of excellent emotion at work here. Particularly like the second stanza.

[zack]

this poem is real nice not alot of rhyms but real good

[Alice]

Wonderful.
I actually liked the fact that you didn't use punctuation, it just seems to flow so well without it.