Raison d’être (edited)

poem

Raison d’être

The ground is breaking

right beneath my feet

my hope is shaking

oh this is the fate I meet

 

I am lost in my contradiction

between dreams & fate

I accepted without satisfaction

giving me a reason to hate

 

I want my reason to be

not chained in this world

you just wait and see

I’ll break chains with my sword

 

I will reach what is far

with absolutely no wings

until I reach the northern star

and challenge what fate brings.

 

Author's Note

hey, well i read many of you're constructive reviews and re-edited this draft. re-reviews are welcomed ^-^

Reviews

[Patches I'm not so new..]

unfourtunately I haven't read the original so there is no way I can compare the two I like the "off-rhyme" of world and sword.

[Su' Nacnetaf]

Excellent writing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and loved the message to it, great work.

[We are young.]

This was so very beautiful, I loved every word, the edited version is a lot better as well, great job.

[Holly]

lots of fun words, nice read thanks.

[Luke Masters]

I liked this. Nice work. Can I say, though, one thing that jarred a little for me was the rhyming of sword and world. It didn't work for me. Loved the restof it though, which is why I thought I'd point it out. Hope that's okay.

[AJChallenger]

This is a very interesting piece, and I must give 10 points just for the title. Technically, though, to read it correctly would be to go from beginning to end without pause. If you add a few commas and periods you could control the flow, plasing more emphasis or the rhymes that you've done a good job creating.

[Sincerely, Alex]

I like this a lot. It empowers.
And I adore the french ;]

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

I like this, you did a great job.
Great Job

[Christopher Giles]

I like this poem, I couldn't help but read it, i have to read anything that contains french in it lol. I'd say that challenging fate is an excellent reason for being. =)

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Writer (Or Should I Say Ean?! Ha!),

Thank you for the read request.

I'd like to say that some of the rhymes felt a little too forced. Rhyming sequence is entirely optional to a poem, as rhyming and repetition are just tools used to help create a better flow to the piece. Rhythm is a little off, but an entirely well expressed poem. If you want me to proofread this poem, just send me a message. I can find a few places where I sense some redundancy. Anyways, I loved the captivating message. I love the Italian language in the title. You don't have to put "edited" in the title. :P Just at the bottom, when you're trying to manage this particular writing, there is a button where you click to say that this is a new version of the writing. The author's note should primarily be to explain the particular writing.

Anyways, thank you for the review. You will do well as a writer and it is my hope that you will do well in life. Send me a message if you want that proofread and I'd be happy to oblige. Continue writing always even in times of peril. Bye! ^_^ 9.2/10.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs