About to break

seeing through

About to break

This wintry shiver

Runs down my spine
So cry me a river
With tears of mine.

My flesh is naked
No skin to shelter me
I can no longer make it
I can’t hide or flee.

You're about to break
I see through you
still standing and awake
in a shade of calm blue.

So please don’t hover
put your mind on the line
erase my pain forever
with your pale sunshine.

Author's Note

hey :]
its been a while for me since i wrote anything
Sooo what do you think?

Reviews

[Keli Renee]

I think this is amazing. The voice is so pure, and can accurately describe feelings most of us feel in a way that is so totally different. Way to go! Im really happy you sent this for me to review. Ive been absent on the cafe for awhile now, so for this to be the first piece to read when I got back is great. Keep it coming.

[Jeff Bresee]

I like the feel here and the rhyming is good, like it is not forced. I would agree with below, either capitalize all of the lines or not so it is consistent. Also, with this type of poem, the hardest part is the flow which is based upon the number of syllables. If you can make them equal in each stanza, it allows the reader to get into the pattern which then reads smoother.

Just a suggestion though. It is quite good as it stands.

Good rhyming and flow. Easy to follow and contains some interesting metaphors. Nice work.

[Ross Saunders]

I really liked this. It was a good and straight to the point with a lot of good imagery and word choices. I particularly enjoyed the second stanza that begins "My flesh is naked..." Those lines were quite beautiful. I do think you could do more with this, delve into the ideas you express here.

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Writer,

Thank you for sending me a read request as it is always appreciated. Sorry I don't get around to reviewing your work more. The imagery is powerful and such a beautifully conveyed message to the reader. Thank you for sharing this piece to me, your reader.

As you begin to write it impresses me that you write in stanza and in rhyme with perfect collaboration for the rhythm meter. Flow is a key element in any poem. Versus other poems, this poem does not feel as forced and more natural. Don't capitalize the letter of each beginning series of lines. If you want me to proofread this, just send me a read request. You need to write your poems a little longer as this feels a little too short; but short poetry is good too. Keep aspiring to always improve your natural abilities (they're in there, just keep searching for your own way to write.) 9.3/10.

So thanks again for the read request. Send me a read request for any other piece you have and I will get around to it when I can.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[alan khan]

i liked this alot...couldnt tell you why. but the writing is really really good. very nice work.