A soul in my eyes

poem

A soul in my eyes

I hate it when you eat my flesh alive,
and overlook the soul in my eyes.
It is the worst feeling; I barely survive,
while you cover it up with lies.

I fall a thousand times yet I stand strong,
In the face of your pretentious force.
Although I forgive, forget and play along,
I still wish you would show me remorse.

That charm of your beautiful face,
and those fangs that lie within.
Stabbed me in the back with no trace,
Sucked my blood and I almost gave in.

My wounds are open, but I feel them no more,
and a trembling sensation runs through my bones.
Words are on the way out, although my throat is sore,
and on my way to retrieve what my soul essentially owns.

Author's Note

so tell me what you think?

Reviews

[Corey Bowen]

wow very nice...when i read it im picturing a scene of a vampire stucking almost every bit of blood out of u....but what u really are saying is that you have fallin for someones lies and looks and that u almost fell for them and all u want is honest and the truth...very strong like it

[ZaZa]

Wow. This is very powerful and has such amazing emotion running through each line. I see a lot of fear as well as others. Very well written.

[PaiteAuthor]

I really enjoyed this. It's very well written and the whole rhythm of the poem was interesting and unique. I liked the dark themes and I especially liked the feel of the last 4 lines.
Well done. I really liked it.

[Samuel Ferris]

ps. percey bessey shelly, emily dickenson, that other guy whos name i cant remember right now, theres a bunch im sure wikipedia lists them by year.

[Samuel Ferris]

i like the last line, the rhythm is offset and it gives the rhyme more interest. I am however, always weary, of a poem that starts with i feel sad, or i hate, or this or that is this. Read some of the 19th century poets and try to figure out why there poetry is so powerful and affective. Try to absorb the way they use figurative language.

[Austin Smith]

This has a lot of potential, but I feel that the word choices hinder it a lot, especially the last two lines of the third quatrain and the first two lines of the last quatrain. It's also hard to truly understand the character, because he or she switches a lot from feeling helpless to mighty in the wrong places. This is just a thought, but maybe if you put your third quatrain as your FIRST, your first as your SECOND, and your second as your THIRD, then it would make sense: you've done this to me (3), I hate it (1), but I have forgiven you from time to time (2), however it will all end someday (4). Just a thought, but I'll end by saying that it needs work.

[Manda]

This is very well written and I like the emotion you put into this piece. What fear this is. Such a scary thought... Well done

[cretinlung]

I know I've been through this... very powerful imagery and a moving tone.

The piece has a great flow to it, and the way you bring the end back to the beginning with the use of the word "soul" is excellent. Excellent use of rhyme, too.

[Ross Saunders]

A great poem. The general tone and theme of betrayal (as I interpreted it as anyway) was strong, clear and concise throughout, with a lot of great imagery to enhance the point. Your word choice was excellent, driving the central message of the poem more effectively.
Well done.

[JustWantLove]

A terrific approach to tell a story of painful wounds and scraped soul. The finale though, puts the entire piece in perspective, stamping the clincher on the previous, moving ahead. This piece is methodical and dwelling; deep souls would have little in the way to understand the meaning of it. Wonderfully crafted and compiled. Bravo!

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem. From the first line you led out with power in the words. Each line added to the story. Ending was very good. Poem has internal battle to save the soul. I like it.
Coyote