A soul in my eyes

poem

A soul in my eyes

I hate it when you eat my flesh alive,
and overlook the soul in my eyes.
It is the worst feeling; I barely survive,
while you cover it up with lies.

I fall a thousand times yet I stand strong,
In the face of your pretentious force.
Although I forgive, forget and play along,
I still wish you would show me remorse.

That charm of your beautiful face,
and those fangs that lie within.
Stabbed me in the back with no trace,
Sucked my blood and I almost gave in.

My wounds are open, but I feel them no more,
and a trembling sensation runs through my bones.
Words are on the way out, although my throat is sore,
and on my way to retrieve what my soul essentially owns.

Author's Note

so tell me what you think?

Reviews

[Corey Bowen]

wow very nice...when i read it im picturing a scene of a vampire stucking almost every bit of blood out of u....but what u really are saying is that you have fallin for someones lies and looks and that u almost fell for them and all u want is honest and the truth...very strong like it

[Patches I'm not so new..]

This would make a dandy hallowe'en poem it is in some places dark and brooding yet somehow a bit of hope creeps in making it a delight to read

[LeeLee Ryder]

Great opening verse ..I liked the 3rd verse.
A soul in my eyes is a brooding piece. Great title...
LLR

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

I like this
Great Job

[Lost, n'MT]

Very well written piece here, I enjoyed it very much. I think you chose a wonderful title and expressed this poem very well. It has great flow, great rhymes, and great emotion.I really enjoyed your style of writing this poem as well. Thank you for sharing this, I looking forward to reading more of your writing. --Broken Soul

[Essie]

I enjoyed reading this one... although it most definitely makes me imagine a vampire love story, I sense an underlying story. Just like a vampire, a relationship has the power to take everything out of you and leave you feeling empty in the end- a scar that doesn't seem to heal. And many relationships seem to be an endless struggle for the truth, and after everything has ended, you want to find remorse or a sense of regret, yet these emotions are lacking. I fully understand and loved this poem. Great write.

[Keli Renee]

I understood your meaning, and I like it, but thats about the only good thing I can say this time. I won't be harsh about it, but there are a few things you should be on the lookout for.
Flow: Its almost as if you started with a good idea, but then rushed to finish it. That, or you couldn't think of how to put it together and forced it instead. That alone messes up the entire flow. You don't want the reader tripping over the lines as they read.
Rhyme: Your entire rhyme scheme seems almost nonexistent. Its feels as if all your thought is on is what your saying, not how your saying it.
And Grammar: Its definitely not unheard of to have the sentence structure within a poem match a more archaic set-up or else change the sentence around to maintain its meaning and keep with the flow. But here, you jump from different styles of writing, bringing back the issue of flow; this is another factor that disrupts it.
Now that I read through my review, it does sound a little snooty. Sorry for that. Im just trying to be helpful. But by no means should you give up; I think you have a lot of potential. =]

[Jonathan Ballam]

I enjoyed it up until the last paragraph which was a hasilty put together ending. I have a feel that you tried to rush it.

If you are going to rhyme you need to watch your rhythm. For example in the last line you had the words retrieve and essentially which adds a whopping six syllables to that line. Either break up the ending into two extra lines, or re-think it.

If you would like some help and/or advice with editing I'd be happy to assist!

Take Care ;)

[Undying Glory]

nothing short of brilliant. really moving work and really strong poem. excellent

[Eternally Elemental]

Wow. I would leave it at that because that is how it left me, but I will say more.

What an incredible choice for a title, especially after reading the contents. It really shows the image of a determined person after having their energy and will taken from them. Their soul will not be abused and those that do abuse will not go unnoticed. The image you chose was a very good image to go by.

It shows many things, such as: the way to take a soul, the way a soul is left, the way a soul bleeds and that a soul can be retrieved.

Great ending, that has to be my favorite line of this piece and the hanging climax. Well structured.

Really great write. It has really left an impression on me. I can learn from this.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This was beautifully sad. The closing lines left me in awe! :(
Very painful and so flawless.
Great work!