stairway to heaven

A poem about the value of hope regardless of how harsh reality can be.

The stairway to heaven

her heart was shattered
her dreams were scattered
by a shady sword
to the nothingness world 

a light within was eclipsed
a falling hope was erased
she looked at the window
her past was only a shadow

she smiled at the sky
for a tearful goodbye
a soul wanted to fly

eyes were full of tears
regardless of all the fears
she was falling
screaming & calling
but nobody can hear
she went both far & near

she dived in the sea of darkness
rested on the way of sadness
angels came from the farest twilight
young blossom you must fight
they carried her on the wings of right

your life is the dream that'll make you awaken
your falling hope is the stairway to heaven.

 

Author's Note

All reviews are welcomed.

Reviews

[Jonathan Ballam]

I have a problem with this poem. I enjoyed your rhythm and I could see where the poem was going, although I feel like the rhyme seemed to snag up a few good images lurking around. I still liked some of the ancient archetypes lurking through like the shady sword and the angels in twilight. :)

One of my hobby horses is to eliminate rhyme from poetry, because it encourages writers to work with the words in front of them, and sculpt more precise images. If you're new to poetry, I also advise that you read as much poetry as you can (whether you want to rhyme or not), it'll help you hugely.

Also once you're finished a lengthy poem, try and take out the last two lines and see if you can live with it. It's quite a challenge but has often helped me at times. I know writer's have very fragile egos (myself included) after writing a poem. So you might want to wait two to three weeks before going back to it and doing some editing.

Look at the ending you have created, and think about changing it to something along these lines:

angels came from the farest twilight
young blossom you must fight
they carried her on the wings of right
her heart was a stairway


Just a few parting thoughts, feel free to disagree. Keep writing!

[bluessadmood]

Ohh sweet sweet everything..just loved the way you go..
dreams shattered and scattered..light and hope did fade
yet dreams were still awake..she smiled goodbye
another soul to fly,all tears in her eyes
falling and screaming but no one hearing
she dived in sea of darkness,rested on sadness
but there angels came from far..you took long
young girl they say ,you must fight
and carried her on wings of right
your life is the dream that will send everyone awake
your dying hope is a straight way to heaven
this was so sweet and lovely ,i just dont know what to say
your words said everything ..and more
lovely write..

[AK]

You're going to hate me... but don't force the rhyme. Jonathan has offered some very good advice.

When I first joined the Cafe I thought poetry simply had to rhyme and I was pretty good at establishing an easy rhythm, a flow. But I soon discovered free verse and it absolutely changed my life. It made me want to write again. It liberated me from the chains of rhyme I had shackled myself with.
Read some more of J's pieces. She's the best I've ever read. And take a look at Emily's work. And rachelD...

So many words... so little time : >)

[cecil]

I loved your short but precise lins that told your thoughts and feelings with the twist of old, and as far a rhyming goes this is how I feel,a poem does not have to rhyme,but in my opinion poetry does, someone told me a while back that rhyming may force words upon your work this may be true,,but take a look at the greats from the past, if some of their work,is not forced I will eat my hat,,but i do also say always read as much if not more than you write,,,Blessings..Cecil

[Ross Saunders]

I enjoyed this poem for the most part, but structure and order were a bit of a mess. I think working on the structure--possibly breaking it into stanzas or just reworking the order and expanding things--and slowing down a bit will help this immensely. There are a lot of good images and sensory elements at work here that I think you can expand too.

[angry_pandit]

it could have used a bit more rhyme tic nature.

[Erica Nottestad]

I think this poem is begging to be broken up into stanzas. The only issue is that I'm not even sure where you would break it up. It seems only natural to want to break it up by punctuation, but that leads into an entirely different issue: where's the punctuation? There's plenty of poetry that can get away without it, but with a poem that is this long, it's exhausting to try and read through the entire thing and not have a chance to pause and reflect on what you've read. It's a lovely image you're painting with your poem, and it's not fair to the image itself to skate through it without taking a break to let the images and ideas sink in.

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoy your poem. Could feel the desire and hunger to find another place to be.
Coyote

[Elfinpunk]

aww, that's a lovely poem! It feels quite like a prayer, and there's often a great contrast between a sense of peace and a sense of fighting, but it works so well and seems like it's meant to be like that. It's quite inspiring... one thing I will mention is that a few times I thought you were writing it to rhyme and it would work just as well and flow just as well if words within the line rhymed, not just the end words, as that ruins the effect of the description slightly. It's wonderful though, thanks for sharing :-)