Remembering

 

 

Really

lets think of the past

can you remember that day when

you ran naked in the field,

free like a new dragonfly

that had emerged

from the river,

and i laughed like my

heart was going to

explode

we were seventeen.

Can you remember

lying in the long grass still

wet with dew

talking about our hopes

and our lives

you were going to be a

scientist

Tell me

are you??

I was going to be a movie star

i will tell you

I,m not

Such dreams we had

in such innocence.

Passion, wanton urgency

we kissed like

there was no world around us.

I wonder how you are now

do you still think of me?

Can you remember the song

that we listened too

over and over again

sweet melodies, sweet love

you were my soul

you were my life

we were like pebbles on the shore

ground down to nothing but

a smooth soft toghetherness

I miss you

do you miss me?

 

Author's Note

Just trying this out.. i like it but it needs something and i,m not sure what. any help would be appreciated thanks my friends x

Reviews

[Edward Carr]

This poem is a little wordy, thats all. The questions do not need asked in it. It is a bad idea to aks questions is poems. I do sometimes, but I know not to.

that day when

you ran naked in the field,

free like a new dragonfly

that had emerged

from the river,

and i laughed like my

heart was going to

explode

This is very strong poetry right here. If the poem had more of this kind of statement it would be a much stronger poem. This poem reminds me of Ted Hughes' Birthday Letters poems. Those are some of my favorite poems in the world and I love poems like this. I have written a few like this also.

[Janice Ann]

I miss you! And I wasn't even there! HAHA There is that story behind the words! I love that! Great write, and I don't think you need to add anything!

Love,
JaniceAnn

[Debbie_Philly]

WOW I can really relate to this poem.... wonderfully written sweetie !!!

[Windy]

UMMMMMM, well I tried but haven't come up with anything just yet, will keep thinking about it and if I do figure out something that might help I will send you a note. As for the poem as is, it seemes to me that it flows well and the imagery is very good I especially liked the "we were like pebbles on the shore ground down to nothing but a smooth soft togetherness". It is sweet and sad at the same time. Frankly I enjoyed reading it and saw nothing that needed help. good job ;)

[Lily1111]

I kind of like it just the way it is. It has a feel of memories carried on soft breezes to me. Light and airy in its reflection back in time. I like the closing lines very much.

[Edmond Dantes]

wow, ve`ry fond of this, often think these thoughts & so funny like two months ago, ran into one of these! a woman form my past at a local salad shop (as we're both vegatarians) & it was funny to catch up/reminsice. she was a good girl/doing well now--& funny thing that relates to your poem is she is sorta a scientist! haha. after, i met her that day it inspired me to write a piece about some other girl/ a kinda what if poem? i'll post it later. great write.

[Ralphy]

This is great the way it is but if you want to highlight it like you did with...

you ran naked in the field,

free like a new dragonfly

that had emerged

from the river,

accenting it can only make it better...nice write

[Thomas James Martin]

I do like this and admire its authenticity. I also like it the way it is. You could try some more metaphors if you thought they added to the poem's sincerity rather than detracted. I am not a tinkerer with others work. Sometimes you fracture the diamond when you keep on cutting, especially when others guide you to the cut lol. Like Ravel told Gershwin: If you are my student, you will compose bad Ravel while your Gershwin is great (or something like that).

We all just have to keep on living and looking at our experience and writing a great deal to obtain that rare excellence.

Tom

[darkgurl]

I think this is wonderful the way it is, like your write alot.....Kim

[Ray Hamilton]

I like it just the way it is
Well maybe a response from the one you miss, ~ ~ have him clothed please LOL
Wonderful write Ray { Not a Poet }