Bleeding heart

 

 

Standing on the cliffside, looking down into the midnight sea,

Whispering voices in my head, willing me to be strong.

Wishing i was at one with the ocean, drowning in a memory,

Hoping life will not ebb away, grasping at my dreams now long gone.

 

The rain begins to fall in long hard hurtful strides,

lashing my bare neck with their sharp unsympathetic tongues,

the lightening flashes in my closed eyes, i begin to fall, slide,

is this the end? my lonely life leaves me, the last song sung.

 

Falling down to my untold path, the water engulfs my bleeding heart,

My eyes wide open, watching the swirls of this magnificent force,

I feel my world disappear, my mind fading into the deapths of this dark.

No longer a breath left to take, surrendered to the fate of my life's course.

Reviews

[Thomas James Martin]

Vivid imagery. Hope the protagonist is happier now. Quite a nice piece.
Tom

[Janice Ann]

This made my lungs hurt! But what a reality with all the imagery you provide! I felt uncomfortable reading this...which means that it was written fabulously! Great write my dear!
Janice Ann

[Debbie_Philly]

This is wonderful poem full of images that envelopes my mind.... i love it !!!

[Edward Carr]

Interesting poem. I really like the idea behind it. A lot of pain expressed pretty eloquently without sounding like a rant or diary. I think there are some good lines,

lashing my bare neck with their sharp unsympathetic tongues

this one is very strong with imagery and sense. i can actually feel the rain. Very strong line. The two things I think this poem needs is to chop it up. By that I mean I feel it is too wordy.

No longer a breath left to take, surrendered to the fate of my life's course

For example could be read like this: No longer a breath to take, surrendered to fate. or something similar. Poetry is noted for its brevity and impact with almost everyword, so chop chop :) Also, you might want to work on rhythm, unless a slow rhythm is what you wanted. commas and periods definitely slow a poem down. Work on line endings, you do not have to put commas at every end of line, maybe try them in the middle and wrap your lines into the next one. Those are the only three things this poem needs worked on in revision. Wordiness, rhythm (unless you want it slow) and different line endings. Could be a very strong poem with some good revision and all poetry needs revision thats where the work part of it comes in. Anyhow keep up the writing, I enjoy reading them.

Later,

Ted

[Windy]

Wow emz, one of my favorites of yours. It tells such a heart wrenching story and is so sad but you've written it beautifully. It has excellant flow and the imagery is well, wow. I like the picture you put with it as well. Job well, well done. Kuddo's to you my friend. ;)

[Edmond Dantes]

your right, had to read it like 3x, reminds me of a fav artist of mine--Bjork, i forget the title of the track but she talks of going to a cliff side everymorning to throw stuff over & wabting to throw herself over (love that song--love bjork!) & it's funny cuz I always envisioned your picture or sumum like it as I heard the song.

the middle is my fav "The rain begins to fall in long hard hurtful strides,

lashing my bare neck with their sharp unsympathetic tongues,

the lightening flashes in my closed eyes, i begin to fall, slide,

is this the end? my lonely life leaves me, the last song sung."

& my fav line is here "Falling down to my untold path, the water engulfs my bleeding heart,"



nicely written, Wishing i was one with the ocean, me too? & we we were, & thats also another of bjork's songs called "Primordial Ocean" from the medulla album, it talks of evulution & all about how everything is of the water. great lyrics- i'll send em' to you.

[Ralphy]

No matter what a writer writes or how we interpret the words, it seems that a common thread we constantly share is an "ocean of"�is it because this is where we come from, or is it like "the fluid of "is so vast, no, I think it's where we find peace.

[Ray Hamilton]

We all look for ways to, drown our memories
I guess that's why we are here posting and one reason why we write
Well penned I enjoyed this write
Thanks Ray { Not a Poet }