Autumn Slumber

Blues and greys may shade the sky with gentle pencil strokes

On days when rain trickles down from cumbersome clouds

Swelling with misted breath to kiss against dampened panes.

 

Skies will rage beside uproarious winds that sing the song of vivacious chimes,

Howling secrets rustled between curling leaves born from weary trees

 

But while ginger, golden and russet hues paint the streets with verve

Waters go still with glassy resolve, touched only by natures breath

As leaves settle and lights dim, leaving the bustle to calm,

Ripples fan out like the suns soft glow, setting over the world’s gentle swell

 

soft rain patters, thunder rumbles; a lullaby’s scheduled hum

We rest our heads, embrace the peace, as the Earth is sung to sleep.

Author's Note

something isn't quite right just yet... let me know your thoughts; the good and the bad and I'll continue to stir

Reviews

[Unspoken poet]

love the last line a lot, this is wonderful

[Pradipna Lodh]

May be you should continue to describe further. Good stuff. Keep writing

[Chris]

"born" or borne?

I do agree - "something" feels "off" ...Winter is the sleep, autumn is the last burst of life, color and vibrant intensity just as the eyes are being closed.

[Crazy Cat Man]

this certaintly captures Autumn :) Autumn is my favorite time of the year :D great piece

[Raef C. Boylan]

I agree with some of what jgsk8core says below; in that fourth line you could stand to lose "uproarious" in order to keep the flow consistently smooth. Other than that, excellent use of qualitative adjectives to create rich imagery - you're clearly a talented poet. This humble piece truly speaks of Autumn to us all...I miss the "scheduled hum" of predictable seasons.

A great introduction to your writing.

p.s.
Think I spotted a few omitted apostrophes:
"nature(')s breath"?
"sun(')s soft glow"?

[SheActsLikeSummer]

Beautiful!! The vocabulary is so, so, enriched? That the word I'm looking for? Hmm... well, lovely piece. It A-m-azing (sorry, got to lazy) Oh well. Wonderful job, off to read more... (gave it a 96 by the way)

[Luke Ritta]

the images are stunning.....this is a really good poem, loved reading this...keep up the good work
Loved the last 2 lines:
'soft rain patters, thunder rumbles; a lullaby’s scheduled hum
We rest our heads, embrace the peace, as the Earth is sung to sleep.'

I think this really pushes the reader toward image, however, some phrasing is tough or terse...e.g.,

[cumbersome] clouds,
Skies will rage beside [uproarious] winds that sing the song of [vivacious] chimes,

The adjectives you use [brackets] detract from the overall flow of the poem, and are often unnecessary modifiers to the noun. While I don't think you should get rid of all of them, i think for me, I struggled with some of them.

The third and forth stanzas are pretty good, it's the beginning two that are slow and hard to get through. I like your overall idea in the poem, but I think the poem needs to speed up a bit, i.e., it needs to read more smoothly. Hope this helped give you some perspective. you're doing a nice job so far. Keep typing away. thanks for sharing!

[roy mccarthy]

i think it's good!
paints a great picture of autumn,
there are some really awesome lines through-out!