Chapter Four

~You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down- Charlie Chaplin

 

 

 

Kaylie was startled out of sleep by the eerie feeling in her chest, she sat bolt upright and clutched a fist full of her yellow nightgown with white knuckles. She drew in deep breaths but felt as if the oxygen was merely swirling in her lungs uselessly before expelling, leaving her heart depleted and unsatisfied. She immediately flattened her palm to the left side of her chest to feel for the beating muscle, to make sure it hadn’t stopped in her sleep. It was there, very faint but present. She drew in a large gulp of air, allowing her lungs to swell, her heart thrummed erratically in response and Kaylie’s head began to swim. Lay down. She thought, remembering the doctor’s advice. Lay down and it’ll go away. She leaned back on her pillow, trying desperately to stay calm as her heart jumped all over the place, she squeezed her eyes shut and counted slowly. Once she got to six, her heart seemed to settle into its regular pattern and she sighed relieved, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow with the back of her hand.

 

She turned her head to the side to make sure she hadn’t woken up her brother and was surprised to find the bed empty, blankets askew in a tangled mass. She sat up puzzled and climbed out of her own warm bed, slipping on her rhino slippers before shuffling out and down the hall to the living room. Light poured in through the patio door and Kaylie squinted against the bright, white light.

 

“Bonjour mon ____.”

“What time is it?” Kaylie asked, groggily rubbing her eye with the heel of her hand.

“Quarter after nine.”

Kaylie was instantly wide awake; her eyes shot open with panic. “Nine!” She shrieked, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Cadence calmly sipped on her tea, peering over today’s newspaper, “Your father isn’t coming till ten today, he’s running late.”

Kaylie felt the alarm deflate out of her, “so he’s still coming.”

Cadence smiled, “Of course silly. Have a seat, want some cereal?”

 

Kaylie glanced at the two bowls sitting on their petite kitchen table, one empty, the other containing swimming, granola chunks, the placemat beneath it splattered with droplets of spilt milk. She took a seat in front of the empty bowl, pouring a cup of granola before softening it with the last of the milk.

“What’s dad doing” She asked as she forced the cereal under the surface of the milk with her spoon.

“I’m not sure honey.”

Kaylie frowned, “but you’re sure he’s coming at ten?”

Cadence looked across at her daughter, “I’m sure.”

 

“Mom let me have a fruit smoothie this morning Kay.” Jaydon boasted as he returned to his seat at the table, having come from the washroom.

“Well good for you.” She said unamused.

Jaydon shoved a spoon full of soggy cereal into his yawning mouth, “What are you going to do today mum?”

“I think I might do some painting actually, before I head up to the store.” She raised a brow, “and don’t speak with your mouth full.”

He swallowed, “What are ya gonna’ paint?”

Cadence considered, “Whatever the brush tells me to.” She reached over and lovingly scruffed up Jaydon’s hair.

 

“Are we coming home after dads or going to Aunty Gennie’s?” Kaylie piped in, reaching for the no name orange juice.

“Well I can’t very well get rid of you for a whole day can I, I’d go crazy!” She grinned.

Kaylie felt her heart thrum erratically but resisted the urge to clutch at her chest, she didn’t want her mother knowing. She wanted to be able to stop her medication and be able to play soccer like Jaydon and swim and run whenever and however long she wanted. It was her goal to one day be as active as she could and if she had to pretend to be better in order to do so, she would.

“Kay? Honey, you okay?”

Kaylie realised she had been starring at her bowl, had been concentrating on her heartbeat, she lifted her head at her mother’s concerned voice and smiled. “Fine mom, why?”

Cadence looked sceptical, scanning her daughter’s face but she didn’t press nonetheless. “Well.” She said folding the newspaper and setting it off to the side of the table, “your father should be here soon. Go brush your teeth if you’re done and get ready okay mon enfants?”

 

 

           ***

 

 

The kids were loaded into Jeremy’s truck and basically bursting with excitement. Cadence stood on the porch of the apartment building with her arms crossed against the cool breeze that swept around in circles.

“I’ll drop ‘em off around six.”

Cadence nodded, “Keep your eye on Kaylie will ya? She was acting weird this morning.”

Jeremy quickly glanced over his shoulder with those gentle grey eyes of his, “Weird?”

“Yes.” She paused, considered, “maybe she should take it easy today.”

Her ex husband looked bored, “You’re too paranoid Cadence. She’ll be fine.”

“I’m serious Jeremy.”

He took a backwards step toward his truck, “Relax, when are you going to trust me.” His tone wasn’t offended, more annoyed.

“I’m just asking you for this one thing Jeremy.”

“I’m sick of having this conversation. Everytime I pick up the kids you lecture me about ‘taking it easy.’ Enough’s enough.” Cadence said nothing, merely gave him a stern gaze.He reached for the door handle, paused, “You really think I would let them do something that might be detrimental to their health?” He sounded hurt but snorted appalled, opening the truck door.

“I’m not saying-“

“Then what are you saying?” He held her eyes, his mouth pressed in a tight line. Cadence opened her own to say something but quickly closed it again and Jeremy shook his head, pausing before climbing into the driver’s seat, “Good seeing you Cadence, always a pleasure.” His sarcastic words did nothing but bring a fresh angry flush to her cheeks and she growled frustrated before returning back into the building.

 

If the glass door to the apartment building could slam, she would have gladly thrust it close with a vengeance but it was one of those safety doors that no matter how hard you pushed on it, moved at a snail’s pace until it would eventually click shut gently. Len, the buildings only maintenance worker was busy changing the sole hallway light bulb when she came storming in. He allowed himself a quick glance and nodded when she looked up at him on that rusted over ladder.

“Sending the kids off again eh?”

Cadence rolled her eyes, “that man drives me up the wall sometimes.”

Len, with his poorly chosen black toupee lifting up on the one end due to the fresh sweat glistening on his scalp, laughed, “Oh honey, it’s what us men are here for.”

Cadence smiled, “Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just marry you.”

At this good old Len, in his late sixties, chuckled hard, being interrupted by a brief, rattley coughing fit. He wiped the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, “you’ll send me to my grave if you keep up with these jokes dear.”

Cadence began up the stairs, “Who says I’m joking?” She called down after him. She could still hear his cough riddled laughter as she opened the door to her apartment and stepped back inside.

 

She kicked off her shoes and sighed looking around her home. It always felt bizarrely large when her kids weren’t home, although it was really a very small space. The walls were stark white, she had done her best to make the area feel more homey using photos of her family and painted artwork but without permission to colour the walls, it would always look like bland and borrowed space. The sofa in the living room was burgundy, just a love seat and chair across from a basic, tube T.V, nothing else would have been able to fit. A large floor rug, beige and cream shades with splashes of deep red helped accent the artwork she had picked to display- all by artists very different from herself.

 

The kids’ room was the largest, they shared a dresser but each had their own sides of the room, evidence in the different personalities were plastered along the walls and on their individual beds. Jaydon’s had his stuffed elephant resting on his pillow, one marble eye was missing and the back left leg was hanging on by a few threads but he wouldn’t sleep here without it. Kaylie’s vice was a worn in quilt Cadence had made while she was pregnant with her, some patches were faded beyond recognition, but she still remembered the memories behind each of the seventeen, one per every two weeks Kaylie was growing inside of her.

 

Cadence’s own room was very basic and doubled for her art studio, the room she now found herself in. The walls were covered in her work and completed canvases also lay stacked, leaning against the wall by the easel she found herself drawn to in this instant.

 

She sat down on the paint splattered stool and looked upon the blank canvas sitting on the easel with deep longing. Her various assortments of oil paint pallets were stacked in plastic organizer shelves beside the easel, clean brushes lay lined in unopened packages next to bins of cleaned ones wrapped with plastic wrap, the handles stained an assortment of colours. Three old jam jars containing fresh water were next to the bins.

 

Cadence selected the pallet that rested on the top and flipped open the lid revealing a panel of glorious shades of red. She opened another; hughes of plum, lavender, violet and other gorgeous purples. Her eyes stared at the canvas for a long while, all the possibilities that the paint could create.

 

She selected a shade of red, a deep almost brown and drew a slightly curved line on the left side, the colour stood out brilliantly against the startling white of the canvas. Almost like.... lipstick on a fresh collar. She urged the thought away with a shake of her head but found that her hand was trembling, the red tip of the flat brush gently vibrating when she touched it back to the canvas.

 

The image had been in her head for six years, branded to the backs of her eyelids. Every time she closed them she could see that smudge, that bright colour rubbed into his collar.

 

“Jeremy?” She had asked with an eerie calm, “I don’t wear this shade...”

Her husband had come into the laundry room, rubbing a dishrag through his hands, “What’s that babe?”

Cadence repeated herself, staring at the stained fabric in her hands, “I don’t wear this shade.” She spun around to face him, feeling the unwanted heat of rising tears spread through her.

His eyes moved down to the cloth then back to her distraught face. At first the look was puzzled, then it settled into a soft stare of defeat and the colour drained from his cheeks. “Caddie...”

“Don’t.” She warned. He went to go to her, his arm outstretched. “Don’t!” He stopped in his advance, opened his mouth to speak but let it fall shut instead.

“I don’t know what that’s from.” He tried for sincerity but failed.

“Don’t you lie to me.”

Jeremy glanced at the lipstick again, “I can explain.”

“Can you? Because right now my mind is spinning trying to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why you have another woman’s lipstick on your shirt.”

Jeremy swallowed past the hard lump in his throat, “I must have bumped someone or maybe gotten some on my fingers, from a glass or-“ He stopped, noticing Cadence looked unamused and far from convinced.

 

“How long?” She was gripping the shirt in tightly clenched fists.

“Don’t do this.” He had said sadly.

“How. Long.” She gritted her teeth.

Jeremy sighed, “Does it matter?”

Cadence felt the heat rush up her neck and spread through her cheeks, “Who is she?” Her voice cracked and she squeezed her eyes shut, concentrating on her breathing. Stay calm, she thought.

“Caddie don’t do this to yourse-“

“I’m not doing this to myself! You are doing this to me! You Jeremy!” All composure flew out the window, her heart was hammering in her chest, her eyes stung with salty, betrayed tears, her head began to pound mercilessly. She was very thankful that the kids were at Jeremy’s mothers for a few hours.

 

“I love you.”

Those words made something snap inside her, she rung the shirt hard in her hands. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare you sonofabitch!” She violently threw his lipstick stained shirt at him, wishing with all her might that it were a heavy bowling ball instead.

Jeremy let the shirt hit his chest and fall softly to the ground where it lay a crumpled mess. “I don’t know what else to say to you...”

Cadence sucked air in through her clenched teeth, it whistled angrily as she did so, “How could you do this?” She hissed. “for godsake  Jeremy if you’re not happy with me then say something! Don’t just...” She waved her hand around sporadically in the air, “sleep with some hoochy!”

Jeremy chuckled at that point which did not help his case in the slightest.

“What?” She barked. “What is so goddamn funny?”

“Not funny, believe me I feel full of knots inside...” She had to give it to him; he did look pretty torn up, the pinched expression in his pale eyes, the sallow colour of his face.

“Then what?”

“Ironic.” He said the words sadly.

Cadence raised her hands, palms up, universal body language saying ‘Explain before I do something that may or may not cause you bodily harm.’

Jeremy looked uneasy, rubbing the back of his head. Cadence noted his inability to make eye contact. “Rachel.” He sighed, was there a small waver in his voice?

 

Cadence felt her face drop, the anger just seeming to flood out of her system in one singular wave, just as the blood in her face did. Jeremy would have been relieved to have his wife’s irate disposition leave her if it hadn’t been replaced by a look of such incredible hurt. He believed that was the moment her heart split and the image of her heart wrenching sadness right then would stay with him forever. Her shoulders slumped as the tension left them, her eyes softened, the tissue surrounding the almond spheres red and damp. She bit her quivering her lip to hold in the scream of despair that was so evident in her eyes. He hated himself in that moment more than he ever would. Hated that he, someone who had promised to love and protect this wonderful woman, had instead been the bearer of the worst kind of pain.

 

Cadence blinked once, a cascade of fresh tears rolling down her cheeks and walked right past her husband. She made it up the three stairs that separated the laundry room from the kitchen on rubbery legs and collapsed at the top, leaning against the doorframe sobbing into her trembling hands. Jeremy had followed her and now crouched beside her. He put a gentle hand on her shoulder but she pulled away, almost cringing at the touch.

“Cadence...”

She lifted her head from her hands and turned to him with glassy eyes containing immeasurable anguish. “My best friend?” She croaked. What killed him the most was the sadness in which she spoke those three words, he would have much rathered her scream and yell and stomp and shriek how she hated him until the cows came home, yes, that definitely would have been easier on him. But he knew he didn’t deserve easy.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

She shook her head defeated, “you didn’t hurt me.” She whispered through a broken voice, “You destroyed me.”

          He winced, feeling completely ashamed, “I know.”

She didn’t bother wiping at her eyes or running nose, “I hope it was worth it.” She climbed back to her shaky legs and managed to make her way to their bedroom where she locked the door dropped to the floor, curling up on the grey carpet, sobbing to the silence.

 

Cadence stared at that red line on the canvas with a profound hatred, how could you do that to me? She thought angrily. She grabbed a fresh brush and blindly thrust it into a random shade of purple. She glared at that red line venomously and lashed out with the purple paint, splattering the colour over the red. It felt good to fight back at the memory, at the memory of her. She flung open more pallets and dug in the brush without any purpose other than to attack that red line, destroy that smudge like it had destroyed her. She slapped paint across the canvas sporadically, violently and angrily.

 

“How could you!” She shrieked at the paint, slapping on a thick blotch of olive green. “You and your damn lipstick that I never liked!” She knew her outburst was juvenile but it felt good to let lose, to scream and thrash the brush across the canvas, each stroke like taking a sledgehammer to a stone slab. Each splat of paint chipping another chunk from a marble statue of that b***h. She picked up a tube of thick fabric paint and squeezed the golden contents over the canvas before throwing the empty across the room where it struck the wall leaving a slight scuff mark. Cadence let her arms fall at her sides and looked, panting, at the mess she had created. Wild with colours the painting screamed lunacy. It was chaos.

She smiled wanly, I’ve lost my mind. She thought amused, but at least I feel better.