Chapter Fifteen

CHAPTER FIFTEEN 

 

 

"Grief is the agony of an instant; the indulgence of Grief the blunder of a life." Benjamin Disraeli, Vivian Grey

 

 

I lay in bed, my hands tucked behind my head as a pillow.  I had tried to call Jayce every day since our fight but he obviously didn’t want to speak to me and my heart remained in the pit of my stomach, thumping hard with worry and regret. The bag of coke that lead to this outcome sat on my chest, a constant reminder of how stupid I could be and soft, sad music flooded my bedroom, embracing my foul mood.

 

The doorbell rang inside for the third time as I continued lying here ignoring it. It was Austin; he had called out through the door, pleading with me to answer but I pretended I didn’t hear. He had called here a few times and I had answered every time but I never told him about Jayce and as far as he was concerned, things were perfectly normal all around.

 

“Quinn, I’m coming in.” I groaned as he made this last declaration and I lifted my pillow over my face, screaming into the thick cotton. A moment later his footsteps found their way to my bedroom and the door opened.

 

“Quinn? How come you didn’t answer?” He asked with a tinge of worry.

“How did you get in?” I asked, my voice muffled by the pillow.

He came over and sat on my bed, “I have a key remember.”

I sighed; my mother had given him a key when we were still environmentalist partners so that we could work anytime without disturbing her.

 

“Right.” I pulled the pillow off my face and tossed it beside me.

“I was worried when you didn’t answer. I knew you were here.” He paused, “are you avoiding me?”

I rolled my eyes, “No.”

“Then what?” I didn’t answer and after he realised he wasn’t going to get an explanation, I felt him lean over and snatch the coke from my rising and falling chest. “What the hell Quinn? Is this coke?”

I nodded without a care, “Yes it is.”

 

“Where did you get it.” His voice was flat.

I shrugged, “Does it matter?”

“Yes, it does. How long have you been doing this?” I could hear the disappointment in his every word. I sat up and leaned my back against the headboard, offering no insight. He sighed, “Drugs Quinn, really?”

“You know what, it’s not really your place to criticise me.” My tone was sharp, annoyed.

“Pardon me but I think it is. You’re my best friend; I think I am allowed to express my disapproval.”

 

I narrowed my eyes to slits, “Well pardon me Austin. But I don’t think we have worked our way back up to the ‘best friends’ category.”

He was silent, I knew those words would have stung. “What is with you?” He asked in a cracked voice and I turned my head to the side, acting uninterested. “Do you realise what you’re doing? What you always do? When things get bad you repel the people who care about you, you put up a wall to separate yourself from the people who could actually help you.”

I swallowed hard, trying to hide the fact that his words were having an impact on me.

“One day you will realise how selfish you’re being, and how self destructive you’re being to yourself by chasing us away.”

A lump caught in my throat as I urged down the tears, “You think I want everyone to hate me? You think I want you to regret our friendship, or for Jayce to leave me?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

“Well I don’t.”

“What else do you expect me to think? I try, and you fight.”

The tears brimmed my eyes, “I know I do this, I know!” I said exasperated, “I’m afraid to lose you, to lose everyone, which always seems to happen so instead of prolonging the inevitable; I get it over with now. Now while I can still survive it.”

“Oh my God Quinn, listen to yourself! Why do you think we’re all going to dump you? You have a single bad thought and focus everything you have around it and live your life accordingly, never have I ever said I was going to leave... and I know Jayce doesn’t have that in his plans either. We love you.”

The tears finally broke through my wavering will and erupted into the open, “but he did leave.”

 

Austin was silent for a moment, trying to figure out what to say, “He left you? Jayce?” I nodded, picking at loose threads on my sleeve. “What happened?” His voice was now soft, gentle, comforting.

“We got in a fight and he left. He won’t talk to me Austin, we’re over.”

He shuffled on the bed until he was sitting beside me and grabbed my cold hand, “I’m sorry Quinn.”

I shrugged weakly, “maybe he isn’t one of those people who cares about me.” I said referring to Austin’s earlier words.

“Well you still have me. And I promise I’ll always be here.”

“Even through the drugs?”

He hesitated, “Always.”

 

I leaned over and pressed my mouth against his, feeling the warmth from his soft lips on mine. I didn’t know why I did it, why I kissed him but I had gotten a sudden urge to do so. Maybe in a way I wanted to get back at Jayce, maybe I was rebounding, lonely or maybe I just wanted to kiss Austin for a legitimate reason. I didn’t know, but I didn’t care at this point. He was hesitant at first, but soon kissed me back eagerly until I pulled away.

“I’ve never done it by the way, the coke.”

“I believe you.”

 

 

                                   ***

 

 

 

I had a dream. I was lying on my back in fine, warm sand, squinting up at the bright blue sky and the soothing sun that easily shone its long rays through the clouds. The air smelt salty and I breathed in the sweet aroma of healthy green trees that stood scattered behind me. The white sand; so soft and clean, cradled my sun kissed skin and hugged my natural curves.

 

I gently closed my eyes, smiling with the cool breeze that caressed my warm body and combed through my loose hair. The sounds of heavy waves rolling over their selves and rumbling up the shoreline in a boarder of white foam was like a soothing lullaby lulling me into a peaceful state of mind. My muscles were relaxed, my breathing steady and mind at ease and sleep tugged gently at my soul.

 

A loud, booming crash startled me out of my meditative condition and I snapped my eyes open, clutching at my speeding heart. I struggled to catch my breath as I looked around confused, the cool water and soft sand was gone. Beneath me the ground was thick mud which was trying to swallow me like a pool of quicksand. The air reeked of burning ash and the heat on my body that was once so soothing from the sun above, was now painful and menacing, emanating from the large, orange and yellow flames that surrounded me.

 

I looked around with wide, tear filled eyes at the familiar scene before me, the same uneven stone foundation, crumbling from time, burning bark, peeling away from the pines and maples like the delicate flesh of a human would do the same. I gasped in horror as the trees seemed to take on faces of their own, some twisted unnaturally in agony while others sneered, looking to me with blaming eyes before the features were too singed away into ash caught in the wind.

 

A figure stood off to my left, starring at me with a blank expression, his clothes and hair caked with dried mud.

“Austin!” I called out over the roaring, crackling fire. He stood unmoving, staring with those unblinking eyes. I struggled to climb to my feet, to run to Austin and protect him like he had for me, but thick, long fingers stretched out from the mud and clutched my arms and legs with painful strength. I screamed out in shock as I yanked my arms up only to have the mud suck them deeper into its depth.

 

I looked to Austin desperately, his blank stare alarming me. He suddenly began raising his hands palm up in front of him and in an instant flames exploded from them, charring his flesh. I screamed, tears pouring without an end as the flames continued burning him while he stood emotionless. Liquid began dripping from his fingers, sizzling as it hit the ground and within a few seconds the flames had devoured both of his hands and had moved onto his arms. His body was quickly... melting? I stared shocked, continuing to struggle with my muddy binds as I realised what I was seeing; the dripping liquid, now running down his legs was wax. He was merely a wax figure, taunting me.

 

 I gave another hard yank on my right arm and cried out as the shoulder popped free from the joint.

“Oh my God!” I yelled in disbelief of the situation. Austin’s arms were completely melted away, half his chest and left leg were quickly joining the bubbling pool of wax on the forest floor when he suddenly blinked and his face twisted in an expression of unbearable torture before he toppled to the ground.

 

I kicked my legs, and writhed on the ground as the mud pulled me deeper and deeper until seemingly out of nowhere, a heavy sheet of rain poured down from the sky as quickly as if someone had flipped a switch. The hard rain pelted the bruising fire, sending into withdrawals and it diluted the mud around me, weakening its unwavering grasp. The fingers washed away from my skin, retreating back into the ground.

 

I cried out a sigh of relief until the rain turned against me just as everything else had. Pools of water began rising up from the ground as the rain continued to fall from the ominously dark sky above. I scrambled to my feet and hurried through the blackened remains of the forest as the water continued to rise up to my hips. The water pushed against me, slowing my progress as it grew right along with my fear.

 

Soon my feet no longer touched the ground and in an instant I was sucked under the frigid current. I kicked my legs and flailed my arms all the while holding my breath as the water flipped and spun me until I no longer knew which way was up.

 

The water darkened in moments until everything was almost black and I was left floating in the middle of this unnatural abyss. My chest ached with lack of oxygen, my lungs tightened and my heart begged me to draw in a huge gulp. I peddled my legs desperately, moving myself up- not knowing if I was moving closer to the surface or further into my grave.

 

Finally my mind lost control over my actions and on instinct I opened my mouth to gasp at air. I squeezed my eyes shut as I awaited the painfully cold water to drown my lungs, I drew in what would be my last sharp breath and... air flooded in. I drank in the oxygen hungrily and snapped open my freezing eyes. Jayce was in front of me, his mouth open around mine as he gave me his breath before withdrawing away.

 

I stared at him surprised and he flashed his sly, half grin back at me. I had never seen Jayce before but I knew it was him, I could feel him. He reached out and I gave him my hands, his were delightfully warm in contrast to the chilling water and goosebumps shuddered over my skin. I felt like I had enough oxygen in me now to last me a lifetime in this water.

 

I looked into Jayce’s beautiful eyes; bright green with a swirl of deep auburn mingling with the sharp colour, there was a small dot of brown taking up about a fifth of the colour in one eye and I found the slight imperfection wildly attractive.

 

His smile faded away and I matched the expression with concern. He let go of my hands and a white film slowly spread over his eyes, masking the beautiful colour and blanketing his pupils beneath it. I gasped, no water flooding my lungs, as blood began pooling in his bottom eyelids. He blinked once, sending the blood into the water between us, it spread throughout, continuing to pour from his eyes and take over the water until soon, deep red was the only thing I could see.

 

My heart pounded fast as I felt around for Jayce, searching frantically for him, but my hands never touched a thing in the vast immensity of the blood red water. I opened my mouth and screamed, but the sound never hit my ears. I couldn`t see through the thick water, couldn`t hear a single sound and could not feel anything except for putrid smelling water. I opened my mouth to try to inhale the deadly liquid, I sucked and gulped but all I got was oxygen.

 

I clutched fist fulls of my tangled hair and frustrated, I tore it from the scalp without feeling an ounce of pain. I screamed and screamed until my ribs ached and I lost the will and stopped caring. Tears poured from my eyes, joining the water that held me prisoner and I closed my eyes, feeling the steady thumping of my heart in my chest. And then I awoke.

 

“You think I’m crazy don’t you.” I said more as a statement as I finished my intricate, messy description of my dream. “I’m beginning to think I am myself.” I admitted.

“No, I don’t think you’re crazy Quinn.” Dr. Visk was thoughtful, “I think you have a lot going on right now that your subconscious is trying to sort through. You have this calm, sort of blissful state that is abruptly taken away in your dream. Taken away by a traumatic event that you are just learning to cope with. The rain comes and puts out the fire; to me that means you are finally ready to get over the accident.”

 

I frowned, “Well what about the other parts of the dream?”

“I’m no dream analyst and I’m not pretending to be. It really does not matter how I dissect your dream, I may be completely off base.”

“Well I want to know what you think anyway.”

 

Visk was thoughtful, “Well if I had to interpret all aspects of your dream based on my own personal knowledge and the prior knowledge I have about you, it might be a little biased.” I was silent, making it obvious I was going to wait until he dissected my dream, biased or not.

 

He took the hint, “This dream is showing you’re fears, I believe that’s the main object here; fear. For instance, the fear of your past with the recurrence of the forest fire, the fear of never gaining the relief of true happiness with the initial peace on the beach being taken away so violently. It also touches on your fear of not being able to have both Austin and Jayce in your life simultaneously and having to choose between them.”

 

He paused to clear his throat, “When you see Austin as a wax figure melting in the fire it shows me that you are possibly feeling guilty for not trying to help him during the real event. In your dream you desperately try to change the past mistakes, but perhaps you feel it is too late to undo and ever receive Austin’s full forgiveness, hence the muddy binds keeping you from going to him. You feel immense guilt over the fire starting, which is why the trees took on human expressions of agony and torture and as for the rain, well, like I said before, I think perhaps you are finally ready to move forward.”

 

I listened to his interpretation and took each word with a grain of salt, choosing in my own mind what to agree and disagree with. “What about the water. I mean, almost drowning. And Jayce and the rest?” I asked frowning with concentration.

Visk rapped his fingers on the desk top, “Okay. We’ll deal with this chronologically for simplicities sake. I think the water rising up and pulling you into this completely different environment then the one you had moments before been in, shows possible feelings that your world with Jayce is a separate, widely different one then that you and Austin share. Maybe you feel you can`t seem to bring the two worlds together. The presence of Jayce strengthens this argument.

 

“I think the drowning you experience is representative of the way you have felt for a long time after the accident. The depression, suicidal thoughts. Anyway, when you met Jayce, those feelings started to diminish, so I strongly believe you feel he truly saved you- which explains him saving you in your dream. As for his eyes glazing over and bleeding, that could signify that you secretly don’t think he really sees you, or perhaps you subconsciously don’t want him to see you.” Visk slurped a up bit of water and rapped his fingers again, “In the end you lose Jayce, the water separates you two and you can’t find him. You told me earlier that things have recently gone sour with Jayce, so maybe the loss of your senses in the dream is how you’re really feeling now without him.”

 

I considered the possibility of his last observations; it’s true that since Jayce and I had that argument I hadn’t felt right. I just wanted to lie in bed all day with sappy music playing in the background. But since I had kissed Austin things hadn’t felt as unbearable. I knew it wasn’t fair to string him along when we both knew I still loved Jayce just as much as I always had, and we both knew this...thing between us was only a temporary phase- at least I hoped Austin saw it that way.

 

I had gone over what had happened to cause our kiss and what it meant now numerous times, but I was conflicted. Maybe I really did have feelings for Austin but I was too afraid to admit it so I buried them beneath my affection for Jayce. Austin and I had been through so much together that no one else could comprehend and our relationship was something that no one would ever be able to duplicate. But was it a strong friendship or something else that had been budding, waiting to be watered for years but is just now beginning to bloom? I sighed, why did things have to be so complicated? It could be nothing.

 

“He answered you know.” I said blankly, “Jayce. He answered one of my calls.”

“Oh?” Visk said intrigued, “and?”

I shrugged, “He saw me kiss Austin. He said he had come over to apologize for overacting when we had an argument.” I had left out the details of the cocaine from Visk. “He saw the two of us through the window in the front door... I screwed up.”

 

I thought back to our brief conversation that only lasted a short while but had a long term effect.

“I don’t know why I did it, I was just upset and he was there and-“ I let the end of my sentence loose itself, not sure what else I could say. I wasn’t sure why I had done it.

“You did it because you wanted to.” He said flatly and I could feel my face flush. I choked on words that wouldn’t form and he spoke again, “I’m not going to be an option Quinn.”

           “You’re not an option.” I said genuinely, “What that was with Austin

was-“

            “Was what? Convenience? You want whoever is convenient for you at the time. If it’s me you want then it’s not fair to have him as a backup. And if it’s him you want, then it’s not fair to use me either. You can’t have us both Quinn.”

            Tears were beginning to spring up in my eyes despite my efforts to keep them down, to keep my composure and hide the fact I was close to bursting from my voice, “I don’t want you both. I swear to you. Austin is a friend and that’s it, bottom line.”

            Jayce sighed, “If that’s all he was to you then you wouldn’t have kissed him. Look. You need to get your s**t straightened out. I don’t think you really know what you want.” The line went dead and I was left with the obnoxious dial tone mocking me.

 

“How are you coping with the ordeal so far?” Visk asked.

I shook my head. How was I dealing? I wasn’t. I was completely twisted around, my brain was a solid knot of pretzels and I had no idea where to begin to untangle them. I seemed to mess everything up, everything I touched turned sour. It was the curse I had warned Jayce about when we first met; I bet he’s wishing he believed me now. I was poison.

 

“Quinn?” Visk snapped me out of my perplexing thoughts and I looked up, “ah you’re back.” He joked, “Our time is up.” I grabbed my coat from behind me on the chair, still partway absorbed into my entangled situation.”Everything okay?”

I stood up and moved to the door, “I hope so.”

Reviews

[Luna Northstar]

Quinn's life pretty much sucks right now.... I feel so bad for her. WHY DID SHE KISS AUSTIN!!! grrrr :( Oh well, maybe things will get better, next chapter her I come.