chapter ten

CHAPTER TEN

 

“What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over.” Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat.

 

Today was the day. I was padded with a thick sweater, heavy jacket and warm mittens. I had combed my hair with much effort and let it hang limply around my face from beneath my knitted toque and my toes were cocooned in two pairs of socks before stuffed inside a pair of worn winter boots.

 

            The weather announcer from the radio informed me of the six degree temperature and blaring sun earlier this morning but I knew bundling up was a necessity with my always frigid core.

 

            Outside there was a slight breeze, so mild that you could hardly tell it was there which did nothing to deter the sun’s hot rays from piercing my layers. The heat was nice, and for the first time in longer then I could remember I was comfortable.

 

            I took my time walking along the cracked, uneven sidewalks with my guide patrolling the terrain in front, enjoying the sound of the bird’s spring songs. The trilling tunes were cheerful, announcing the rebirth of life again; the trees would come alive and flourish with bright green leaves, the flowers would sink their roots in deep and feed off the generous sun, animals would come into the light with newborns and man would flock to the streets with good spirits. I wished I could see this beautiful stage of nature.

 

            It was officially the first day of spring today. I wondered if this would be a positive new start; a new season, a new cycle, new fortune? My stomach twisted into nervous knots as I thought about the task ahead. Be confident I told myself. Be strong.

 

            If Austin chose not forgive me, then I would move on and leave my guilt behind. No harm done. I struggled to reassure myself with my encouraging thoughts but in reality I was a little uneasy. My throat was dry, my tongue felt like a wet piece of leather and I couldn’t keep the edgy shakes at bay. I couldn’t help but think of worst case scenarios. Images of him slamming the door in my face, screaming insensitive things, hating me. Rejecting me. I pushed those timid images from the back of my mind and opened the door to his apartment building.

 

            Removing the mitten from my left hand I felt along the list of names, feeling the raised letters on the plastic labels carefully. Finally I took a deep breath, hearing the heavy thumping of my heart through my head and buzzed Austin’s number.

 

            A raspy voice coughed over the intercom almost immediately. “Hello?” It asked curiously, the voice belonged to Austin’s dad. He had cancer removed from his vocal cords just over a year before the accident and his voice was evidence enough of how much damage it had done to him.

 

            “Uh, hello Mr. Rylestone.” My voice was uneven, fearful of the response I might receive. “It’s Quinn. Quinn Leery?” I paused; there was only silence, “Um. I was wondering if Austin happened to be around?”

            I waited while his dad hacked through a coughing spell, “Quinn Leery eh?” He said amused, “it only took you two years to stop by.” I couldn’t tell if his voice had a hiss to it or not.

           

I laughed awkwardly, unsure of how to respond. “Would you mind if I spoke to Austin? If he’s there?”

            There were a few noises in the background, “He’s not in.” He said curtly.

            My heart dropped to the empty pit of my stomach, “he’s not? Well could you tell him I stopped by? And to maybe call me? I mean only if he wants to. I don’t know if he still has my number or not.” I slapped a hand to my face, running it down over my eyes. This was stupid.

           

“You know what? I actually don’t know when he’s coming back.” He began sourly, “and I just have such a terrible memory.” I bit my cheek to prevent the tears from falling. His father hated me, he probably did too and I couldn’t blame either of them.

            “Oh.” Was all I could say. My face became very hot with embarrassment. Maybe I should have taken Visk’s advice to wait. I was about to turn and leave the building; leave a chunk of my past behind when my feet planted themselves to the cool marble tiles. I drew in a long breath, closed my eyes and exhaled slowly before trying one last time.

           

            “Look. Mr. Rylestone. I know I hurt your son. I know I was wrong. I was cruel, vindictive and unfair to treat him the way I had.” Tears blotted my eyes while resting on my bottom lids, waiting for me to blink them free. “I regret my actions every single day, not a moment goes by that I don’t wish I could take it all back but I can’t.” I waited, my voice wavering with buried sobs. There was nothing but silence.

 

            “I’m sorry okay? You have no idea how sorry I am.” I wiped my nose on my sleeve, “look you can hate me all you want, I don’t blame you but at least tell Austin I came by. Let him decide for himself if he wants to hate me or not. Lord knows I wouldn’t forgive me if I were him.” I sighed, “It was a mistake, don’t  you make mistakes Mr. Rylestone? Wouldn’t you want at least a chance to mend even one of those mistakes?”

 

            His hoarse voice broke through the empty entranceway, startling me, “Listen here you malicious, heartless...” His breath hissed through the speaker as he gathered his composure somewhat, “my son loved you, you were his greatest friend. I even called you my daughter once.” He spat the word as if it were filth on his tongue. “If you ever-“

 

            “Give it a rest dad.” I heard a familiar, softer voice muffle from the background. My heart skipped a hopeful beat.

            “Austin?” I choked.

            There was the rustling of clothing near the speaker and a few distorted choice words until I got what I wanted, “Quinn what the hell are you doing here?” Austin sighed.

 

            I wiped frantically at my eyes as if he would be able to see the embarrassing tears, “you are there. You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice.”

            “What do you want?” he asked impatiently.

            I licked my cracked lips, “I just want to talk to you. I know it’s been over two years but I just had to talk to you.”

            Austin sighed once again, “What do you want from me Quinn.”

            “I want your forgiveness.” I paused, “I know that just because I want it doesn’t mean I’ll get it but that’s what I came for.”

 

            I waited for his response, the moment I had built so much up around. This building was so familiar, the mixed smell of oranges and raspberries that flooded the front entrance, the heat pumping from the vent above me, the sounds of families talking softly in the lounge just within the security locked door I was separated by. I had been here countless times; it had been a second home once.

 

            “Can we at talk?” I added. There was still no answer and once again my heart dropped. They had stopped listening. Two minutes ticked by as I stood there not wanting to give up but unsure of what to do next. The dreaded thumping filled my head once again and my blood rushed to my cheeks. What now?

 

            The door clicked beside me and I moved out of the way so the inhabitant could get by me.

            “Well. You want to talk so lets talk.”

            A smile cracked through my cynical face, “where?”

            He opened the front door. “Over here.”

 

            I followed Austin out to the front courtyard shared by the three apartment buildings that circled it. The playground never had any children playing on it now that the wood had begun to rot and the metal slides and monkey bars had rusted over. The basketball court to our left had been abandoned shortly after the two of us had become friends due to deep cracks in the asphalt. We were the only ones outside at present which granted us complete privacy just as it always had before when we would come out here to talk.

 

            Now, leaning against the cold metal posts of the playground, I didn’t feel safe and private as I had before but sad and vulnerable, as if the courtyard knew what I had done and wished to steal back my pleasant memories of the place.

 

            So?” Austin began, “talk. I don’t have all day.”

            I swallowed down the hard lump in my throat and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

            “You’re sorry. Is that it? Can I go now?” He asked annoyed.

           

I bit down on my lip, “please, just listen.” I looked to the sky, trying to collect my thoughts before returning my lifeless gaze eyelevel. “After the accident I didn’t know what to do.” I began, “I mean I didn’t even remember what had happened really, I was confused. You told me what had happened to me and how my blindness was not something temporary. That’s not something anyone ever wants to hear and I know that it wasn’t your job to tell me but you took it upon yourself to do so anyway and for what it’s worth I appreciate what you did.

 

“You knew I would need a friend and you delivered and I really am sorry that it turned out the way it did. When you told me, I was in shock, angry and unsure of how to deal with it. I didn’t want to believe it was true and I took it out on you because you were the bearer of the bad news. I know that it was wrong and unfair of me and I want you to know that I really did not mean any of it and I really am genuinely sorry.”

 

I licked my cracked lips, waiting while Austin absorbed my words and processed the right ones to answer with. His breath whistled out his nose as he rationalized and organized his thoughts. My heart thumped hard in my chest with the dreaded anticipation.

 

“I know you are sorry but only sorry because of the guilt you feel, not because of our train wrecked friendship.” He sighed, “you need to get your s**t together Quinn. You can’t just walk in and out of people’s lives whenever it’s convenient for you.  You can’t just expect me to forget, forgive and be the way things used to it doesn’t work that way. This isn’t one of your beloved books where everything works out in the end and everyone is happy. This is real life Quinn and real life doesn’t have a fairytale ending. Sorry to disappoint, it looks like once again I’m the bearer of bad news.”

 

My heart dropped, this was not the way I wanted this conversation to go, he was rejecting me. He wouldn’t forgive me and although I couldn’t blame him for it, I had had some hope that he would be at least willing to try. It was a selfish thought, I know.

 

“I am sorry because of guilt, your right. But I am sorry for hurting you, for blaming you for something that was out of your control and for taking so long to have this conversation with you.”

 

            Austin snorted, “You’re sorry? Do you have any idea what I went through after the accident? How miserable I felt? Don’t you think I wanted hide away too, pretend it didn’t happen? You’re so naive Quinn. You’re the victim right?”

Tears flooded my lifeless spheres and cascaded down my hot cheeks each time I blinked. “That’s not fair.” I said shaking my head.

“Not fair? Are you serious right now? I loved that forest too you know. I was just as heartbroken over the fire as you. It wasn’t my fault, we both fell asleep. We both were the cause not just me so get off your high horse and take responsibility.”

 

My chest felt like it weighed a thousand tons and my stomach was twisted into a tight knot, “I know I’m to blame just as much as you, I’m not saying I’m not responsible. Sure before I blamed it on you but like I said, I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?”

“You’re ridiculous. You still don’t get it do you? I don’t want your apology, I want you to understand.”

I wiped my nose on my sleeve, “I do understand.”

 

Austin laughed tightly, “No you don’t.” He grabbed my left hand, pulling the mitten off and placed my bare fingers on his other palm. The tissue was smooth but uneven, there were a few lines of raised skin and I traced them delicately with the tips of my fingers. Puffy scar tissue replaced his once soft skin and I cringed picturing what it must have looked like. Red, raw flesh burned and peeled away leaving vulnerable nerve endings exposed. I pulled my hand back and rubbed it with my other as if to wipe away the feeling of his scarred flesh.

 

“You’re not the only victim.” He handed me back my mitten and I shoved it on quickly.  

“How bad?” I asked tenderly.

“Second and third degree burns. I have almost no feeling in either hand.” He sighed as I looked to my feet. “Do you know how hard it is to find a job? I can’t do anything that requires full use of my hands. That rules out a lot of occupations.”

 

“I had no idea.” I whispered more to myself.

“Because you didn’t care to know.” Austin’s voice had a bitter edge to it, “When that fire started my first thought was of you. You were like my sister Quinn, you were my family. The whole time I was focused on if you were okay, if you would be safe. You know, I had to sneak out of my room to visit you in the hospital?”

I glanced at him sideways in surprise, “You told me the nurse let you come see me.”

He laughed tightly, “Yeah. I lied. I knew if I told you I snuck away you would make me go back.” He snorted, “What a great decision that turned out to be. The fact is, the whole time my main concern was how you were, I didn’t even think about me or the forest until after, and all you could think about was you and your self pity.”

 

My tears remained stationed on my bottom lids, I didn’t blink. I could only stare in revelation. I thought back to what I remembered from the accident, making jot notes in my brain. Austin woke me in the forest. Austin lifted me from the ground to my feet when I was unable to do so myself. Austin kept me in reality, he helped me when I was struck and had a seizure. He snuck out to my room in the hospital to make sure I was alright. He was a better friend then I was. He was right, while he was busy helping me I was preoccupied by the destruction the fire was causing, I hadn’t even been able to think straight until he urged me to get away from it with him. I owed him my life in a sense.

 

“Thank you.” I whispered, “For not leaving me.”

“No. I didn’t leave you. But you left me.”

I bit down on my lip, “I know. I regret it all the time.”

“You know, it would have been so much easier for you- for both of us if we had dealt with the accident together. If you had trusted me.”

The hard lump in my throat rose again, choking my words. “I did trust you, I was just afraid that’s all.” I paused, “do you still go to environmentalist rallies?”

 

Austin sighed and shuffled where he stood behind me, “no. It’s not the same anymore. I’m not as committed and driven as I used to be. I guess I have to find something new, something that doesn’t require the use of my hands.” His voice sounded sad, longing. I could relate.

 

His breathing was shallow, the hot breath hissing out of his lungs as we stood side by side. I got a sudden urge to hug him, to make him feel better. I stood there for another minute or so; neither of us said a word, both lost deep in our own thoughts. Finally my impulse got the best of me and I wrapped my frail arms around Austin’s slender body like I had so many times before. I felt comfortable like this. Like he had said before, I was his sister.

 

Austin flinched at first, unsure if he should accept my comforting hug or not but in the end he relaxed and let his own arms fold across my back.

“I’m sorry.” I for the half dozen time.

“I know.”

Reviews

[-Jaime-]

"“Can we at talk?” I added" You're either missing a word there, or have one too many (I know it's a little thing but for some reason it bothered me).

Good chapter, I don't get tired of praising your description; it's just really really good. There was a paragraph (4th) where you kinda went all disney for a second and went overly happy and cheery. You might want to take a look at that. That's it, really good. looking forward to the rest

[Luna Northstar]

I feel bad for both of them; but I still feel Austin was a little harsh. Anyway I'm glad they made amends... I can't wait to see where your story takes me next.