chapter nine

CHAPTER NINE

 

"And, above all things, never think that you're not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you very much at your own reckoning."Anthony Trollope, The Small House at Allington.

 

 

Visk’s office was even colder then it usually was today, I sat with my knees tucked up to my chest, my long gray sweatshirt pulled over them for the added warmth. I had pulled off my sneakers and let them fall disorderly to the floor beneath my chair and held my frozen toes in my not much warmer hands.

 

            “Jesus. You would think with all the money this place rolls in they wouldn’t stinge on the heat.”

            “The weather is warming up so the heat has been turned down a bit, you won’t notice in a few weeks or so, once the sun shines straight through this window you’ll be wishing for the cold again.”

            I snorted, “I doubt it will ever be warm enough for me to wish for this.”

 

            Visk was thoughtful, “Have you been taking those weight supplement smoothies? Those will help with your chill; add a layer of fat to insulate.”

             I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down over my thin fingers, “I don’t need them, I’ve been eating more.”

            “Oh? Well that’s a pleasant surprise.” I could picture his eyebrows rise with amusement, “you still should be taking those supplements though, just to help along the nourishment and energy.”

            I frowned with the thought of clumpy, frothy medicine, “Maybe.”

           

Visk shuffled his weight in his seat, adjusting his large body to fit more comfortably, “so, other than your improved eating habits what else has been going on with you?”

I chewed my bottom lip uneasily, “well. Actually I was thinking about doing something but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not.” I confessed sceptically. In all honesty I wanted to get the doctor’s opinion on my Austin dilemma because I really had no clue myself.

Visk attempted to clear his hoarse throat, “why not? Is it dangerous?” He asked with growing intrigue which he tried to mask.

 

I rubbed my frozen toes to get the circulation running again, “No. Well, maybe. Not physically dangerous.” I paused, gathering my thoughts. “I want to talk to Austin.”

Visk was thoughtful, “Hmm. Well, what are you looking to accomplish from speaking with him?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed, “forgiveness?”

“Ah. So you’re feeling guilty about losing contact.”

I lowered my feet to the floor, “I don’t feel guilty for losing contact.” I paused, “More like I feel guilty for the way we lost contact.”

Visk cracked his knuckles with a few short pops, “Do you think he will forgive you?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Well would you forgive him if the situation were reversed?”

 

I thought a moment before answering. I honestly couldn’t say if I would have or not. With my present sour state of mind I probably wasn’t capable of it but, before the accident I was the optimistic human rights activist and environmentalist who chose to ignore the negativity in people and focus on bringing out the positive qualities. I no doubt would have forgiving him if I still felt the same.

 

Now the real question; could I ask Austin to forgive me? Was I asking too much? The thought of speaking to him again- pleading for him to hear me out- sent thousands of tiny spiders crawling in my stomach and I nearly gagged on my own, dry tongue.

 

“I don’t know” I said again, answering honestly.

“If you want my opinion, I would say if you want to talk to him; to gain his forgiveness then do it.” I opened my mouth to interject but he spoke again, “but, if you feel you are not strong enough to deal with the possibility of a poor outcome then you shouldn’t. You should wait. So, in all honestly it all depends on if you feel you are ready for this, if you can overcome rejection, not that I’m saying it will happen, but you need to be ready for the possibility.”

 

I folded my shivering arms together; they were like two frail arms on a stick person, waiting for the child artist to draw on the muscle. “Do you think I’m strong enough?”

Visk drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his nose, “Honestly Quinn, I would advise you to wait just a little longer. But you’re the only one that can determine how you feel and how ready you might be. So if are confident then you don’t need my advice, but if you have any doubts then you should consider.”

I slumped back into the chair, resting my hands on my relaxed lap and nodded weakly. I still had no idea what to do.

 

 

            I met up with Jayce later that day, I wanted his input in the matter; Visk didn’t really help much. He said it depended on if I felt I was strong enough, but I knew I couldn’t trust my feelings, they tended to deceive me.

 

          “I think that’s a great idea.” Jayce agreed as we sat outside at a local dog park. I had returned his call earlier and told him about my plan to get in touch with Austin. His optimism relieved me; it gave me more confidence with the touchy matter.

 

            “I just don’t know what I would say to him though. It’s not like I can say ‘hey, what’s up, sorry for being a b***h’ and everything will be all fine and dandy.”

            “I don’t know. From what you have told me, it sounds like you two were pretty close; I’m sure he will be more than happy to rekindle that friendship.” I shrugged and kicked my feet around in the slushy snow below the bench we sat on.

 

“Aren’t you hot in that?” Jayce pulled the layered cloth on my arm. It was five degrees out today, the first day that managed to break out of the minus. The sun shone overhead and warmed the top of my head, but a cool breeze made it impossible to enjoy. I wore a thick, hooded sweatshirt underneath my coat, a pair of fur lined boots and a pair of black, knitted mittens and still I felt chilled.

 

            “Actually I’m a little cold.” I said honestly.

            Jayce snorted, “You need to get some meat on your bones! I’m just wearing a sweater and my toque.” He wiggled on the bench, “and I’m nice and toasty. Gotta’ love this weather eh?”

 

            I frowned, “you just think you’re warm because your mind is convincing your body that it should be because you’re so used to the minus twenties weather.”

            “Hmm, Is that so?” He said sarcastically, “so really I’m going into hypothermia?”

            I shrugged, “not yet, but maybe if you stay out here in that.” I gestured to his spring attire.

            “Well then! I guess we shouldn’t stay out here too long then should we?” he joked, “What do you suggest?”

            I squinted, thinking, “Well, I can last out here for quite some time.” I said smugly before laughing, “so it sounds like you have a personal problem.”

           

Jayce shoved me playfully, “great to know that in the time of life or death you will be willing to return the favour.” He was thoughtful, “actually, you owe me two favours, I’m your hero!” He laughed.

            I frowned, “Actually, you are mistaken. You owe me two favours. I didn’t want a hero...” I let my smile disappear, regretting the words I just said. The awkwardness lingered between us and I blushed embarrassed. I had only wanted to keep the light, joking conversation alive, fuelling our mock argument but my mouth liked to move quicker than my brain.

           

            “sorry.” I mumbled, lowering my head.

            Jayce grabbed my mitted hand, “Don’t be.” He sighed, “I know you must be feeling terrible, I know your depressed Quinn. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, “just don’t do anything crazy, you can call me whenever you like; whenever you just want to talk.”I nodded my head, unsure of what to say and grateful to his sincere generosity.

 

            “I don’t know what I should say to Austin.” I said desperate to change the subject, “I can’t simply be like ‘hey Austin, remember me? I’m the one that pretty much just dropped you without a second thought, wanna grab coffee sometime?’” I snorted at the insanity of the fanatical situation.

           

            “How about you start with ‘I’m sorry’ and see how it goes from there. Just tell him how you felt after the accident, tell him how guilty you feel now.” Jayce suggested.

            I sighed, “I guess it doesn’t really matter, he will probably just hang up the phone, it’s what I would do.”

            “Don’t call him then. Go to his house, make him have to confront you, and if he doesn’t except your apology then at least you tried right? What do you have to lose? If you don’t talk to him then you guys will never make up at least if you do something there’s a chance.” I nodded again; there really wasn’t much I could say in return. He was right- as always.

 

            “My mom is going to going to lose her mind.” I said elbowing Jayce lightly in the ribs. “She’ll probably call out of work and throw a celebratory party once she finds out my plan.” I rolled my eyes and laughed at the amusing yet probable thought.

            “Yeah, probably. She seemed pretty happy that you had me over, I’m not really used to that from a girls parent.” I could almost feel his sly wink and couldn’t help but smile.

            “She does seem to like you, although I think that has more to do with me socializing then you.”

            Jayce casually removed his arm from around my shoulders, “Hey, I’m a lovable guy.” I rolled my eyes grinning.

 

            He was a lovable guy that’s for sure. To make someone like me want to have him around you have to be pretty lovable. I considered that last thought for a moment, what did it mean? I liked having Jayce around; I liked talking with him, just being near him. He was a good, genuine person.

 

Is this what it felt like to have a friend? It had been so long that I could hardly remember the feeling of actually wanting to see someone. I had spent so long hiding indoors, hiding from society and my own self that I had completely forgotten the joy of knowing someone will be there for you. Of course I knew I couldn’t possibly open up to any other people- at least not quite yet.”

 

            “What are you smiling about?” Jayce asked, nudging my arm. I glanced in his direction although I couldn’t see his face.

            “Are we friends?” I questioned curiously.

            He must have been surprised by the question because he choked before answering in an amused tone, “well I would like to think we are. I don’t know about you but I don’t really hang out with enemies.” He was grinning, I could tell and I couldn’t help but match the expression.

 

            “Well I know were not enemies, I just didn’t know if you considered us more...” I searched for the right word, “acquaintances then friends.”

            He considered, “acquaintances? Nah. We’re definitely up in the friends category.” He patted my frozen, frail leg.

            Relief washed over me, “Why?” I asked with honest curiosity, “I mean I really can’t be that enjoyable to be around.”

 

            Jayce laughed lightly, “What is with you?”

            I blushed embarrassed but not sure why, “What do you mean?”

            “You need to build up your self-esteem, stop thinking so poorly about yourself. You are an amazing person I know you are; you just don’t let yourself see it.”

 

            “See that’s what I mean; you are too good. You’re so positive all the time, you don’t treat me like I’m made of glass, you’re not afraid to tell me I’m wrong. You’re just so... real.”

            “Yes, I am real, and so are you. Stop with the self pity, stop with the drama and be yourself.” I looked down at the ground and he grabbed a hold of my chin gently turning my face toward him, “You will be okay if you let yourself. Stop being so pessimistic. You’re oblivious to how good of a person you are.”

 

            I grinned sideways at him, “I guess it’s going to take a lot to get rid of you then isn’t it.” I teased, shoving aside the snowballing conversation before it became sour.

            “What can I say? I’m a persistent little bugger.”

            That of which I am very grateful.

 

                      

 

***

 

            The knock on my door startled me out of an almost sleep and I groaned, rolling onto my side, “what is it?”

            “I’m going to the mall. I was wondering if you wanted to come along?” My mother called through the closed door. I shoved my pillow over my face trying to ignore her.

            “May I come in?” She asked after coming to the conclusion I wouldn’t answer. The door clicked open without my consent and she padded her way over to my bed.

            I groaned again and sat up with my left leg bent beneath me, “I was sleeping.” I said unimpressed when she flopped down beside me.

           

“I know honey.” She smoothed my stringy hair away from my face, “I thought we could go pick out some new clothes for you. Yours are a little too big for you now.” She paused; pulling on the cotton sweatshirt I was wearing, “and old. This sweater used to be mine when you were just a baby.”

            “I like my clothes. They’re comfortable.” I defended.

            She took my hands in hers and rubbed them together for warmth, “we can get you some nice warm sweatshirts that fit. Clean, fresh track pants too if you want.”

            I pulled my hands away and shook my head in protest, “these ones are worn in. I like them this way.”

           

She sighed exasperated and for a moment there was silence. Calm silence.

            “You haven’t been taking your pills?” She asked after a minute, picking up the rattling bottle of sleep aides from my bedside table.

            I shrugged half heartedly, “the side effects are intimidating.” I lied lamely.

           

She set the bottle back down and shuffled closer to me, “Are you still having nightmares?”

            I tilted my head back and rolled my eyes, “you sound like Visk.”

            “He’s a good doctor.” She didn’t sound offended. I lay back down on the bed and propped my hands behind my head, closing my tired eyes.

           

            “Mary called. She said she received a call from Golden Eye.” She said hoping to spark an interest, when I didn’t acknowledge she continued, “She told them you would be a wonderful candidate and the most loving handler a dog could have.”

            “That was nice of her.” I yawned, my eyes still closed.

            “Hopefully you will hear from them soon.” My mother patted my leg, “I’ll let you sleep. I’ll come check on you when I get back okay?” She leaned over and kissed me lightly on the forehead, “love you.”

 

            Love you. Those little words held so much meaning no matter what context in which they were used. I couldn’t remember the last time I had said them to anybody.

Reviews

[Luna Northstar]

Another amazing chapter; I never have anything to say besides: I love it. This book is amazing. You're an amazing writer :)

[-Jaime-]

Great chapter, can't really find anything in it that a minor edit won't fix. Btw, you're so good at description and similies: "I folded my shivering arms together; they were like two frail arms on a stick person, waiting for the child artist to draw on the muscle." soooo good!