Chapter seven

CHAPTER SEVEN

 

"Nobody can spoil a life, my dear. That's nonsense. Things happen, but we bob up." John Galsworthy, The Forsyte Saga.

 

 

went and applied for a seeing-eye-dog. My mother had been thrilled when I mentioned the idea to her, willingly covering all expenses and I wasn’t going to try and change her mind.

 

            “Oh honey I’m so glad; I think a dog would be the perfect thing for you right now.” I said nothing to any of her giddy comments, just nodded and I even managed to force a smile; and although I’m sure it looked more like a scowl to her, she didn’t seem to notice.

            “I’ve already looked into this long ago hoping you would eventually find interest. When did you want to go? Today?”

 

            And so we had went that very day, it took a few hours to go over the preliminaries, for them to explain the process and for my mother to basically speak for me; explaining what ‘I’ was looking for in the dog.

 

            Liz Shoeman was the women who would be helping me with my application; she took us through the halls of the training building, letting us take our time, to absorb the environment as we moved toward her office.

 

            I could hear people coaxing the dogs, speaking commands, the beeping of sidewalk crosses and modified technologies designed to make life for the average blind person as comfortable as possible. It wasn’t a large building, the halls were short, each floor a square with rooms bordering the halls, you travel in a straight path and you end up back where you started.

 

            Finally we made it into her office which was cool inside and smelt of sweet lavender. I had always thought perfumes irritated canine noses, confused that sense but she was the expert right?

 

            She sat us in solid cushion chairs with thick, wooden arm rests spread too far apart from each other. I felt like a child again sitting in such a large seat.

           

“Here at Golden Eye Training School we pride ourselves with keeping to the traditional way of dog training. The first school was created in Germany; to assist soldiers who had been disabled in the first world war; they chose German Shepherds for the job. Naturally. The United States adapted the idea shortly after, than followed by Britain, which were the founders of `The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association’ in 1934.” Shoeman cleared her throat, “So as you can see, guide dog training has been around for many many years with great success.

 

“The training technique we use here originates from the Germans; we modified it slightly of course, using information we have learned over the years to further progress.

 

            “So. Now that you know a little bit of history on the topic, we can talk about the breeds. We have a variety here you can choose from according to your preference and what traits and or needs you are looking for in the dog. All are equally capable for the job of course.” She pulled out a metal drawer, the wheels squeaked until they locked, unable to slide any farther. She took out a few pieces of paper and smoothed them on her desk; the rustling sound overpowered the squeaking wheels once again as the drawer rolled shut.

 

            “Well what kinds do you have?” My mother asked for me, patiently.

            “The most popular breeds we have are golden Retrievers, Labradors and German Shepherds. Then for those with pet hair allergies we also offer Poodles.” She paused, “the Labradors are also an ideal breed for such allergies. We have Collies, Dobermans and Labradoodles which is a mix between a poodle and Lab. So there is a good variety here, and I can assure you we will match you up with the most compatible canine we see fit to your own personal needs and personality.”

 

I nodded wanting to hurry and get past all the preliminaries already.

“Sounds good so far.” My mother said optimistically beside me.

 

“Alright then. I’ll just explain the process to you a little bit. First we will have you submit an application which will be carefully reviewed by our staff to determine whether or not we feel you are in high need of a guide dog at this time.” Shoeman cleared her throat, “guide dogs are in high demand and almost half the dogs we breed here don’t make the cut so our supply is limited. As you can understand, we must attend to those who are in higher need first; they are our top priority.

 

“Once we review your application the next step is to contact your references. Just to make sure the dog will be looked after properly and such. Preferred references would be past veterinarians, groomers anything like that or if this will be your first animal then perhaps you could use any highly regarded personnel; police officers, teachers, doctors anyone of that sort would be helpful.

 

“Now. If you meet all requirements and are approved for one of the dogs, you will be contacted anywhere from one to twelve months. We will schedule an in home interview with you to find out exactly what would best suit you, to figure out your lifestyle and other matters of that sort. It takes about four weeks to train the dog with you and we will then determine if the two of you have an appropriate bond. After that, it’s just you two on your own.”

 

I nodded my head and she continued, “We will conduct a physical exam then move on to the basics of how to move with the handler- you. We will desensitize it to most public situations; teach it to ignore others when they approach, keep their sole focus on you and to spot and avoid any potential obstacles and dangers. When this training is completed, you will receive a certificate and sent on your way. Of course, you may do some follow up training if you feel it is needed. You will actually be doing most of the training; we will merely be training you.

 

“As for accessibility, here in Canada, your dog is permitted anywhere the general public can go, so you don’t have to worry about that. We will provide you with a leather leash and harness along with a small sign attached alerting others not to try to pet the dog. Do you have any questions for me?”

 

I shrugged, “What do I have to sign?”

 

“You have to fill out these forms; typed in brail or normal typography. Do you know brail?” I shook my head and she continued, “Ah, well then. Perhaps your mother with be able to assist you. It’s just general information. Your name, address, phone number, basic questions regarding any other animals you may have etcetera. I’ll give you a moment to go over it.”

 

            My mother grabbed the papers and began reading the questions out loud.

            “Mom, just fill it out. You know all the information; don’t bother reading it to me.” I said, waving off any protests she might have thrown together.

 

            It took half an hour to fill out the paper work but eventually I was able to meet a few of the dogs; each one just barely still a puppy. I ran my fingers over the thick fur on a few of them, let their warm tongues lap at my hands and felt their paws lightly on my legs when I knelt down to greet them.

 

            This was the Doberman room. A dozen Dobermans roaming around, playing with each other, getting ready for their next weeks of intensive training.

 

            “Have you had a dog before?” This was a different person, the trainer. Liz was merely the informer; the one of which all paper work and applications went through. The trainer had told me his name but I didn’t remembered it.

 

            “Once.” I rubbed the velvet ears of the puppy I had in front of me. “He got cancer in his throat.”

 

            The trainer came near and pet the dog, “I’m sorry to hear that. They’re great comfort and companions to have around don’t you think?” I nodded, letting the puppy chew my fingers. “Once you have one of these guys at your side you will have lots more freedom, no more white cane. The dog will become your protector, guide and best friend.”

 

            I stood back up, “That’s what I’m hoping for.”

           

 

          

 

 

                                   ***

 

            I traced the indents the pen made in the napkin with my fingertip before punching the seven digits on my cordless phone. I hesitated before pressing the final button that would finalize the connection; talk.

 

            Did I really want to make this call? What was I doing? No person in their right mind would dare come in contact with me, I might taint them too, destroy their lives along with my own.

 

            Of course Jayce had no idea what I was truly capable of, was it fair to drag this almost stranger down like everyone else I had ever known?

 

I pressed the final button and waited as the phone rang. He could make that decision.

 

            “Hello?” His voice was soft, tired. I stayed quiet for a moment until he repeated himself, more annoyed. 

“Hi. Jayce?”

            A pause. “Yeah, who is this?”

            “Um, it’s Quinn.” I slumped on the floor against my bed, resting my head back, “we had coffee the other day... well tea really.” Silence. I closed my eyes embarrassed, “you probably don’t remember me. Look, sorry if I bugged you,” I sighed, “bye.” I hung up the phone, my heart pounding hard in my chest.

 

            Why would he have remembered me? He probably had coffee with a dozen people in the last few days, why would I stand out at all. Still, it bothered me, made me feel stupid and made my cheeks flush pink to think that I thought he had been genuine when he gave me his number. He probably felt sorry for me, felt bad I always walked alone, was blind and soulless.

 

            The phone rang in my hand, startling me and I answered cautiously.

            “Hello?” I almost winced, awaiting the response, waiting to hear the caller’s voice.

            “What was all that about?” His voice was on the teasing side, playful and I exhaled, relieved to hear it. Jayce.

Once again I blushed in embarrassment, “I didn’t think you remembered who I was.”

He snorted, “Why would you say that?”

I bit my cheek, “I don’t know, I thought maybe you were just trying to be nice before... by inviting me for coffee and such.”

“That’s stupid. What’s up? I thought you would have called sooner.”

I frowned, “Oh? And why is that?” I hated when people thought they were so high and mighty, so superior that they expected people to feel honoured to have an invite.

“Whoa, I didn’t mean anything by it, I was just hoping to hear from you earlier, I thought you were trying to blow me off.” He laughed lightly. I didn’t answer; I had no words to respond with so he spoke again, “So what’s up?”

 

I moved the phone to my other ear, I really had no clue as to what to say, why had I dialled his number? I should have thought this out more thoroughly, played it safe. Now here we were connected awkwardly by a stream of electricity.

 

I scrambled for anything to say, an excuse to throw out there to justify my actions. “I called to tell you that I followed your advice; I applied for a seeing-eye-dog.” That was lame. I squeezed my eyes shut awaiting some kind of mockery.

“Oh?” He added the ‘I told you so’ note, “what made you change your mind?”

I shrugged although he obviously couldn’t see the gesture, “My mom offered to pay for it, figured what the hell.”

Jayce cleared his throat, “Well I’m sure you won’t regret it.”

More silence.

 

I bit my lip and sighed, “I feel stupid.” I crunched my knees up to my chest.

He laughed his light, carefree chuckle. “What for?”

“For calling.”

“What? I asked you to call.”

I pulled on an oily lock of my stringy hair, “I know but I thought you were just trying to be nice.” I sounded so pathetic, yet it just continued to come out, I sounded like a broken record repeating. Wave after wave of stupid comments.

“Well I was trying to be nice, isn’t that the whole point?” He laughed again; softly, not mocking.

 

I could feel the pressure building in my eyes and my face getting hot; it frustrated me at how easily I became emotional. It was as if I was constantly teetering at the edge of a steep cliff, each word spoken represented the wind; with my delicate emotional outcome all depending on which way the wind blew.

 

“You must think I’m a nut case.” I rubbed my hand over my face, the cool touch felt nice against my scorching skin.

“Well you are kind of weird.” He waited but spoke again when I remained silent, “that was a joke by the way.”

 “No, no. Weird is an understatement. So have you been attacked by my curse yet?” I knew it wasn’t the greatest conversation starter but I was a little out of practice and I had to make due.

“Nope, I’m beginning to think you were just trying to get rid of me.” He changed his tone to tease me again, “that’s really why you called isn’t it? To see if you had scared me off yet.”

I tried to force a laugh but it came out in an awkward squeak.

 

“What are you up to today? Any upcoming wild adventures I need to save you from?”

I traced the scar around my eye; the smooth line of raised tissue taunted me with what I had lost. “No, nothing crazy today. Not yet anyway.”

“Not yet? Uh-oh that sounds like trouble to me, maybe I should be with you just to be safe.”

My stomach bubbled with nerves, he wanted to hang out? Why?

“What if I don’t want to be safe?” My tone was serious, not playing or suggesting.

“Then don’t be. We should still hang out; if you want of course.”

 

Blood rushed to my face, I scrambled for something to say. Some sort of excuse to get me out of a potentially deadly and awkward situation. Emotionally deadly of course.

 

“I don’t really think going out right now is the best thing for me to do. Stomach flu remember.” Yes. That had to dissuade him for sure.

“You don’t have to go out; I can always come over there?” God, he was so persistent.

I gulped, “here?” My voice was shaky, uneasy although I truly did try to mask the panic.

Jayce laughed, “Yeah, unless that’s a problem?”

Once again I scrambled for an excuse, this time coming up short as the silence grew longer. I had to say something; I couldn’t just sit there silently like a moron.

 

I closed my eyes as I spoke my next words, as if bracing myself for some terrible misfortune to come after; as if I was saying the final words to a millennium long curse.“No, no problem.” The words rattled with scepticism, but Jayce paid no attention.

“Great, where do you live? I can leave in ten minutes.”

I reluctantly gave away directions to my house, which was conveniently fifteen minutes from where Jayce lived. Great.

 

Now there was no escaping the dismay. What would he think when he came and saw my room? Was there anything on display that I would rather keep to myself? What would we do? It’s not like I could just throw on a movie or something to pass the time and keep tedium at bay. Oh God. My head swam and my breathing sped up with the anxiety.

 

I hadn’t had to entertain anyone in so long and now with my blindness I was even more uncomfortable with the idea. There was so much pressure on the host to make sure the guest wasn’t bored, was having a somewhat good time and would want to return again. But did I really want him to want to come back?

 

Maybe it would be best if we never spoke again. Why had I called him? Now I was thrust into this undoubtedly tragic and unsuccessful situation. I could only hope my mother would come home early from running her business errands and be so infuriated with my having a strange man in my room and throw him out.

 

Who was I kidding, my mother had never worried about me having a boy in my room alone when I was younger and more foolish, why would she suddenly care now? Hell she would probably give him a hug for coming over at all and dragging me out of my ‘shell.’ That’s it then. I’m screwed.

 

I ran my fingers through my knotted hair unsuccessfully; I guess I could shower, run a comb through my mousy locks, put at least a miniscule amount of effort into my appearance for once, since I had to go through with this tragic event nonetheless. But that’s all I would do. Shower and nothing more. Why should he get any special treatment?

 

I sighed and made my way to the bathroom unenthusiastically. How did I ever end up in this predicament.

 

The water felt nice on my clammy skin, the heat sunk into my pores and drove out the cold that sanctioned itself within my fragile bones. I scrubbed a dollop of shampoo into my scalp and let the water rinse away the bubbles.

 

It had been some time before I had felt my own body; I hadn`t showered in a few weeks, hadn`t changed clothes in a number of days, and the feel of my sharp ribs through my thin, elastic skin shocked even me. I could imagine I looked close to a skeleton or a hairless cat; all hunched over shivering even under a blistering sun.

 

The light weight of the droplets soothed my aching muscles, messaged my tender back with warm, gentle fingertips. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes to let the water wash over my face which it did so pleasantly. The sound of the running bathroom fan was distorted by the rushing water that cascaded over my ears, isolating me with the sound of my own swishing breath, inflating my lungs like large party balloons.

 

I coated my unkempt mane with silky conditioner, feeling the unfamiliar moister return to the locks after such a long leave of absence. The soft, fresh scent filled the foggy bathroom and my delighted nostrils as I rinsed the sleek hair product from my roots as well before finally finishing up and climbing out of the shower into the frigid air of my steam filled bathroom.

 

I rubbed a fresh towel over my frail physic and bundled into an overly large, baggy sweatshirt and my familiar track pants, the draw string pulled tight. I slipped on two pairs of socks and padded my way back to my bedroom.

 

My knotted hair resisted the foreign comb, but eventually with enough persistence it surrendered. There, done. Now no one could say I didn’t try.

Jayce would be arriving any minute; the doomed visit would begin shortly. I had nothing planned, had no idea of what types of things Jayce was interested in anyway. It would be a guessing game entertainment wise.

 

A sick knot formed in my stomach at a sudden thought, what if the only reason he was coming over was to prey on a somewhat defenceless person? Why else would he be so insistent? I wasn’t good looking by any means, at least not anymore. Not since my once soft, dark curls had been flattened out by oils and frayed by split ends. Not since my once healthy figure was overthrown by an almost inability to eat and reduced to the lanky pile of bones I now was. My skin was clammy and most likely paler than ever. It had once been a gentle golden brown, contrasting with a pair of sparkling green eyes which were now dull, blue-grey spheres; lifeless and fogged over.

 

He couldn’t be coming over because of my personality either; I hardly even had one anymore. I had nothing of interest to share, no proud accomplishments under my belt to boast about, so why did he hang around? Hell I didn’t even like myself.

 

The thought of having invited some crazy criminal into my home was not unnerving, but at the same time some aspects made me sick to my stomach.

 

If he in fact was a mass murderer or notorious thief, I could handle it. He could strangle me, chop me up in little bits and feed me to pigs for all I cared; he would actually be doing me a favour. But if he was some type of sick, sexual predator I would probably just kill myself on the spot. That was one of my worst fears. Being attacked in such a manner and not killed. Hmm I guess there was something I feared after all.

 

I laughed to myself out loud, what was I thinking? There was no way Jayce was any of those things. I was letting my insane, twisted imagination get the best of me. He was a safe person; I don’t know how but I could just tell. Still, why would someone- especially someone like him- waste time with a wreck like me? Unless he was expecting something in return. I shuddered and shifted my thoughts, not allowing them to travel that barbaric path again. These were just paranoid thoughts fabricated due to social starvation.

 

The knock at the door caused me to jump almost out of my skin; which was about all I had left. He was here. Surprisingly, my fear disappeared now that he was actually standing at my front door. I was oddly kind of excited yet anxious, although I still scrambled for ideas to pass the time.

 

Of course I couldn’t be granted one simple, ordinary night, free from my screwed up disturbances. No, that would just be too easy, too generous. The all too familiar, repulsive feeling washed over me, the one that reverberated from my core; like sonar being transmitted through the ocean.

Not again. Not now.

 

My heart pounded hard inside my chest, blood pulsated in the top of my skull and behind my burning eye sockets. My legs grew wobbly. Carefully, slowly, I made my way to the front door; walking like a drunk atop the clumsy sticks I called legs. Sweat formed on every inch of my skin as I became unbearably hot.

 

I reached out and grabbed the door handle, my heart seeming to slow dangerously and abruptly and a sudden wave of nausea flipped my stomach. My head went fuzzy as little tiny specs floated through the black abyss in my head like tiny bubbles and my body felt like all the blood had drained from its place within my veins. Oh God. I twisted the knob with a shaky hand and managed to pull the door open before I collapsed to the floor.

 

The ground dissolved away from beneath me and I was falling, falling deep in a black ocean, the surface too far above to see. Yes, I could see; but it wasn’t the sight I craved.

 

Deeper I sunk, never hitting the coral bottom which would span on for all eternity. There were no fish, no bugs, no signs of life. Nothing but the black water I was plunged into. My lungs suddenly began to ache, begging me to breath but I knew I couldn’t. I pumped my arms frantically, struggling to propel myself upward but still I continued to descend deeper and deeper until my lungs exploded and I was forced to open my mouth to gasp in a lungful of water against my better judgment.

 

I lurched forward, thankful to the wave of air that rushed in my lungs in place of the thick, black water I had been expecting.

 

“Jesus. You alright Quinn?”

I wiped my forehead with the sleeve of my sweater, I was now freezing; the complete opposite I had been a moment ago.

I groaned and carefully climbed to my feet, Jayce tried to help but I shrugged him off.

 

“Do you need to go to a hospital? You had a seizure.”

I shook my head as best I could without provoking queasiness, “No, this happens all the time.” It was true; I had had several seizures since the accident; and they would continue for the rest of my life, “just a little souvenir from the forest.” I held my head and sauntered toward my bedroom with Jayce following behind, confused.

“The forest? What are you talking about?”

I waved my hand dismissively and slumped onto the floor, my back against my bed, “Have a seat.”

 

Already I was feeling much better, the pre-seizure was always much worse than the post. After a short moment I would feel completely fine -mild fatigue being the only evidence- as if nothing had happened at all.

 

Jayce turned down the soft seat on the mattress and joined me on the floor. “You sure you’re okay?”

I nodded, “Like I said, happens all the time. Don’t worry about it.”

I knew he didn’t fully believe me, but he dropped the subject nonetheless, wise move. “So how come were sitting down here?”

I shrugged, “Well,I always sit on the floor; I prefer it. You’re more than welcome to sit on the bed.”

 

“It’s cool.” He must have been looking around, exploring the contents of my room with his probing eyes. Scouring for some clues to who I am most likely. I wasn’t offended or violated by this; it’s what people do and I let him. “Where’s your mom?”

I frowned, “Out running errands. She should be back soon.” I paused, “Why?”

 

“Just asking. You have a lot of books.”

I nodded, “I used to read a lot.”

“You don’t anymore?” He seemed surprised.

“No, I never learned brail.”

He shifted his weight, “Oh. You should start; it would be an interesting skill to learn.” I shrugged and he spoke again, “I could help you if you wanted. I wouldn’t mind learning it myself.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I dismissed the topic.

 

I had no real interest in books anymore; getting sucked into false worlds and being thrust into the lives of people who didn’t really exist no longer appealed to me.

 

Nothing would be able to distract my mind long enough from the drilling, swollen hole in my stomach that burned with my hopelessness anyway. I doubted I would even be able to sink into a plot line anymore, no matter how captivating. I would just read the words without comprehension; I would read whole chapters while my mind would be off in some dark corner and not remember a single word from the pages.

 

I shrugged again, “I’m sorry if I bore you, I’m just not used to having people around.”

That made him laugh, “Don’t worry about me.” He was thoughtful, “you don’t have very many visitors?”

I played with the string on my track pants, “no, you’re the first person that’s been here since I lost my sight.” I licked my cracked lips, tasting a hint of blood. “I know that sounds pretty pathetic.”

           

He disregarded my assertion, “How long ago was it?”

“What, that I lost my sight?” Jayce was silent so I answered, “A little over two years ago.”

“And no one has been here since?” He sounded incredulous, “How come?”

I crossed my legs and picked at my sock, I didn`t particularly like the direction this conversation was going. “I don’t really have any friends to invite over. The ones I did have are no longer in touch.”

 

I sounded so feeble, so pathetic. I got to my feet, trying to divert Jayce’s attention elsewhere. “You want to listen to some music?” I stepped over to my desk which was home to my small CD player and drawers of selections.

 

I knew the layout of my room perfectly, the blueprints branded into my skull so conveniently and fortuitously.

 

“You have quite a few pictures, this guy’s in a lot of them; he your old boyfriend or something?” I knew instantly he was referring to Austin; the majority of the pictures displayed in my room- or the majority my mother had displayed, although she knew I would never be able to see them- were taken on my many environmentalist rallies and successfully preserved lands. Naturally Austin- my partner- was in almost all them.

 

“That would be Austin.” The pain that came every time I said his name aloud, like a dagger scraped along the edges of my brain. “He wasn’t my boyfriend; he was my partner, and best friend. What do you want to listen to?”

“I’m open to anything. What was he your partner in?”

I pulled out a random CD and placed it in the machine. The steady intro of Bob Marley’s I shot the Sheriff came out of it. “We were environmentalists. We were working towards starting our own foundation. You like Bob Marley?”

 

“Yeah, he’s good. Were environmentalists eh? Whatever happened to that dream?” He tried to make the question come out light-heartedly, like he was just making conversation but I knew better; he was snooping, investigating, interrogating without the dramatic bright light and dark room.

 

I went and sat back down on the floor, “Turns out it’s not for me.” The lie had an edge of irritation; I didn’t particularly enjoy talking about my past and I portrayed that dislike in my voice.

He pressed the topic despite my growing annoyance, “Because you lost your sight?”

I answered sharply, warning him once again not to pry.  “Something like that.”

He didn’t take the hint in my tone, strike three. “So you gave up your dream.” He sounded disappointed. Couldn’t say I didn’t warn him. I know he was just trying to understand but I had boundaries, I had my comfort zone and he had barrelled through it.

 

I narrowed my eyes dangerously, “Yes, I gave up my dream. What’s the point in fighting to preserve beauty in the world, of battling large corporations and trying to convince people not to destroy, pollute, or spoil their own damn habitats when you can’t even see any of it anyway?”

Jayce was calm, the words flowing out of him like they were smooth lines on a teleprompter. “Because you would be allowing the rest of the world to see for the first time.”

 

The anger dissolved away instantly with his logical words and I let my shoulders slump, “How do you do that?”

He was confused, “How do I do what?”

I shrugged, “Turn everything negative into something positive.”

Jayce was thoughtful, “I made a choice between being happy and being miserable. I chose the first option.” He paused, “Which one did you choose?”

 

I thought about his insightful words, who was he? To be able to inspire, persuade, knock some sense into people. What option did I choose? Good question. Before the accident the answer would have been simple; I was happy. I loved and valued life. Now, however, I couldn’t be sure.

 

When I actually examined my life over the past two years the pendulum obviously swung in the darker direction. But had I really chosen to be unhappy? To be miserable as Jayce had put it. No one in their right mind would want to be miserable, but did I rightfully fit into that category; mentally sound?

 

Since the day I lost my sight, I have not thought about anything in a positive way. From when I woke up in the hospital and blamed Austin for my disability- which was in fact on my hands too. From isolating myself from my friends and family, flinching at my mother’s touch, ignoring the advice of Dr. Isaac Visk. Okay, maybe the last thought wasn’t too unjust, but it was true, I wasn’t a good person.

 

Even from my first encounter with Jayce I had been on the offensive. He tried to help me, to be nice in his own weird way but I rejected it. He saved me from being hit by vehicles and still I was ungrateful. I understand that I was irritated with him for those same reasons because I did in fact want to die, and he interfered with that longing but he stuck around and even offered friendship to someone who was completely hopeless and unapproachable. Then again, I guess if he’s making me realise all of this, if he’s able to shove this epiphany in my brain then I wasn’t hopeless after all. But did he know that? How could he have?

 

Maybe I had chosen the latter option after all without even realising it, but if that was so, was it too late to change my mind, or was I in too deep and far too corrupt for change to be a possibility.

 

“What are you thinking?” He asked almost amused. I must have been frowning.

I sighed, “I’m a bad person.”

Jayce grabbed my hand, “No you’re not.” His skin was warm against my own icy flesh; the sudden, soothing heat caused a shiver to roll down my spine.

 

“Why did you come here? I mean even from the beginning, why did you walk me home after I broke my nose? Why did you pull me across the street away from the cars? Why did you ask me to go for coffee and why did you come here tonight?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”He said innocently.

I cleared my throat, “What I mean is that right from the beginning I have told you to go away, to leave me alone. I have in no way been nice to you at all, why would anyone want to be around that?”

 

Jayce laughed lightly, “Usually one would try to convince people to be there friend, but you’re trying to give me plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t. You’re one crazy girl.”

I twisted my body to face him even though I couldn’t see him looking back, “That’s exactly my point, here you have all these reasons to run the other way but you stay, why?”

He thought for a moment, “Honestly, I don’t know.”

“Well that’s reassuring.” I said with a note of light sided sarcasm.

 

He laughed, always so care free, “You really want to know why I stuck around?” I nodded and he continued in a low voice, “Now I might get in trouble from the big guy for telling ya this, but you see, I’m really an angel sent down here to keep you out of trouble...” He had trouble keeping the laughter out of his voice and I shoved him playfully at his little joke.

“Ha ha very funny.” I rolled my eyes.

“Thought you would like that one. No, but seriously. I don’t know why, guess I was just in the pestering mood,” He paused, “and you just looked like you could use a friend.”

I frowned, “I think I like the guardian angel answer better.”

“See, you should have just gone along with it.”

 

The CD began to skip in the player, sounding like a bad remix and I grudgingly I got to my feet to change the disk. I ran my finger along the straight, plastic spines, picking one at random to replace Bob Marley with. The mellow beat of Sublime filled the room and I returned to my spot beside Jayce.

 

“So,” I began, “you know some stuff about me, but I really don’t know anything about you.”

Jayce lowered his voice in a confidential manner, “that’s because I like to be mysterious, you know give off that ‘dangerous’ vibe that attracts the ladies.” He laughed.

I rolled my eyes again, “C’mon Mr. Mystery, spill the beans.”

“Well, guess the suspense has to end sometime huh? Alright, what do you want to know?”

 

I thought about what I really wanted to know, nothing specific came to mind of course. Topics. Religion; not one of my best subjects, money; too personal, school, family, friends?

 

“What’s your birthday?”

Jayce laughed, “I give you a free pass to ask anything you want and that’s what you come up with?” He chuckled, “You are very strange, but it’s January third.”

I grinned sheepishly, “Oh that’s just a warm up question, gotta’ build up to the bigger ones.” I joked, “Hmm... so you’re a winter baby. Alright, you’re turn. Let’s see what ya got.” I crossed my legs.

 

            “Oh so this is how it’s gonna’ go eh?” He thought a minute, “What’s your favourite food?” He asked, sticking to my initial surface questions.

I laughed, “Nothing beats a big bowl of mashed potatoes and peas.”

            “Hmmm... Good choice.”

           

            “Alright, my turn.” I said devilishly; although our questions were in no way impish. “Favourite colour.”

“Easy. Green.” As was mine. “Okay, what’s your middle name?”

I laughed, “My middle name? What kind of question is that?”

“What kind of question is ‘what’s your birth date?’”

Touché. I rolled my eyes, “its Isabella.” I thought a moment, “Do you have any siblings?”

“Pretty name, you Italian?” He cleared his throat, “One Older brother, one younger sister. What are your plans for the future? Your dreams I guess.”

I frowned, “Um, I believe that is two questions you asked.” I folded my arms together as a playful gesture of protest but answered them both nonetheless, “Yes I am part Italian, and I have absolutely no clue at this point in time.”

 

“What if I told you you could do anything by tomorrow, be anything by tomorrow, what would you choose?” He asked curiously.

I answered without missing a single beat, “That’s easy. I would want to see.”

 

Jayce shuffled on the carpet, getting more comfortable, “But something other than that, that one is obvious. If you had to choose one thing for just tomorrow, if you could change your mind at a later date and pursue something else, what would you choose for right now? What dream would you chase just for this very instant?”

 

I bit my cheek thinking over his complex question. Between all possibilities; to become a great and inspiring environmentalist, to travel the world, to have my friends back, to grow and overcome my disability and my resentment towards it, to write countless novels, inspiring documentaries, insightful articles. To choose just one amongst so many which I hadn’t even listed, was nearly impossible.

 

“If I could have anything or do anything, I would choose to be happy, to make some kind of difference even if only to one person and to make use of my life.”

“Hmm,” Jayce said intrigued, “I would have guessed to be famous,” He joked. “No, that’s a good thing to want.” He was thoughtful for a moment, “So why don’t you do it then?” He had no challenge or judgment in his voice, just honest curiosity.

 

“Do what? Make a difference; make use of my life?”

“Yeah, like what would you do to make it a reality?” He took a moment to gather the right words, “I mean, there are tons of things you could do to achieve your goal but what ­one would you choose?”

I frowned, not really knowing fully myself. I let the answer flow out of me as fast as it came into my head, without taking the time to filter through it, to process it.

 

“I don’t know. Be a human rights activist, go to places of poverty with plane loads of donations and high hopes, save all the poor, little animals who are being put down due to over-populisation in shelters, be an interventionist, work with kids in crises, go back to being an environmentalist...” I stopped to clear my dry throat, “any of those things would be more then rewarding.”

            Jayce sounded intrigued, “Why don’t you then?” That was the second time he had asked me that same question in the last few minutes, the second time he said it void of all challenge.

            I sighed, “I don’t know how.”

           

“Hmmm... well you already know how to be environmentalist, why don’t you start there?” He asked the question delicately, trying to make it sound light and I withheld any annoyance as gratitude.

I shook my head, “I can’t do it, I quit for a reason, there’s no going back.”

            “But you still want to do it, you just said so yourself so why not?”

            I closed my eyes for a short moment trying to mask the way this topic affected me, “It’s... complicated.”

 

Jayce shuffled closer to me, I could feel the fabric of his clothes against mine beside me, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m just trying to understand you is all.”

“I don’t think anyone will ever be able to accomplish that unfeasible task.” Jayce laughed and I spoke again, “You know, I used to be so different. I was always so determined and refreshingly stubborn; I was so opinionated and strong willed. Now however, I just wake up because my body reuses to sleep anymore, I leave my house only to escape my mother’s concerned pestering.” Jayce was silent while I confessed- more like rambled. “And poor Austin, I just dropped him.”

“Why did so much change then? Why did you lose touch with your friend if you feel so much remorse?” Jayce’s words did not come out accusing or scrutinizing, his voice was soft and gentle, sensitive to the change of heavy topic.

I sighed, “Because I chose to be miserable as you put it.”

“Surely something had to have happened between the two of you to cause such a ripple.”

I nodded, “I blamed my blindness on him,” I sucked in a breath, “even though it was as much my fault as his.” I had never fully admitted this fact to myself before, and hearing the truthful words aloud-even from my own lips- invoked queasiness in the pit of my stomach.

 

I had not seen Austin since the day in the hospital when he told me about my permanent condition. The last time I even spoke to him was when he hurried from my private room as I screamed for him to get lost.

 

I could only imagine what ran through his head at that point, the feeling of having your best friend reject you, condemn you and loath you after so many shared unique memories and years. I’m glad that for those few minutes I could not see; afraid to have the inevitable pinched look in his hazel eyes branded into the backs of my own. I was selfishly thankful that I did not have to face the pain I thrust upon my dear friend with my searing abandonment; although it would have been only just to have that image haunt me as his unintentional revenge.

 

What had come of him now? Was he still participating in environmentalist protests? I hoped he had moved on unlike me who sat stuck in a pit of black molasses. I had allowed the depths of despair to swallow me deep down into its bleak empty guts and now it held me prisoner, refusing to unshackle my chains.

 

I looked to the ceiling with watery, defective eyes then back down to Jayce “Oh God, what did I do.” I groaned.

Jayce was puzzled but tried to comfort as best he could, “I’m sure he will forgive you, whatever the issue.”

 

I shook my head in protest and the tears cascaded down my face, “He won’t. We had found a beautiful plot of land, a thick forest that shielded a wondrously antique cabin within it. The land was an untainted part of heritage which we- Austin and myself- were going to try to salvage.” I paused, remembering the inexplicable exquisiteness the forest seemed to posses.

 

“We thought we were being safe, that we had taken all the precautions when we built that fire, I was just so relaxed out there and at peace. It felt as if we were on a separate planet.” I shrugged, “It’s not something you can really explain.” I sighed, “Anyway, we both fell asleep and the fire spread, engulfing the whole forest- and everything that was in it; the wildlife, the trees, earth, the air around us.” The last thing I saw and would see ever again. I paused, wiping my face, “It’s a wonder the two of us are still alive today.”

Jayce was thoughtful, “Well maybe there is a reason you guys were able to survive.”

I shook my head, “Just a fluke, we were lucky I guess.” I paused and gestured to my eyes, “the forest’s way of getting revenge.”

Secrets are a luxury

 

Jayce said nothing; there wasn’t much that could have been said. Nothing could turn back the calendar, change what happened to the forest, to my eyes, to Austin’s charred hands. Realizing the severity the impact from this past mishap has had on me and finally understanding my hostility and reluctance towards the austere topic, he reached over and touched the scar around my eye and I winced under his touch. I wasn’t used to the feel of other people’s skin on mine, wasn’t used to the gentle but not so repulsive touch. I relaxed and let him trace the thin line softly as he hugged me to his chest.

 

His heart beat filled my head, the steady thrumming was so soothing, his body so close and toned. I hardly knew him yet I felt so comfortable in his arms, felt so natural.

 

“Do you think I’m pathetic?” The words came out mumbled, half a whisper.

I felt his chest rise and fall a few more times before he spoke, “I think you’re stronger than most.”

Reviews

[-Jaime-]

Sooo, I think we can agree that 2 years is not going to work, so I'll skip that. It's a little wordy but not too bad. Try to cut down a little when you edit, sometimes you went off-topic and rambled.

Also, I think you forced too much out on that last conversation between Queen and Jayce; you're trying to give too much information out too quickly. I like their past conversations because they felt a lot more natural.

Your description is still excellent, and your vocab is outstanding. I love the way the story is progressing, but I think around this chapter you just need to slow it down a bit; or just introduce all this in a different way

[Luna Northstar]

Another great chapter. Only two things; the beginning. You put "went and applied for a seeing-eye-dog." Don't you mean, "I went and applied for a seeing-eye-dog."? Oh and right after Quinn said “the forest’s way of getting revenge.” You put "Secrets are a luxury" I don't understand that part. Anyway, I loved this. It's funny, because like I said before, it's like Quinn is a kid again. Now she's fussing over a boy :) It's funny. But sad too. I loved the part when she was hoping her mother would come home early and kick him out. "Who was I kidding, my mother had never worried about me having a boy in my room alone when I was younger and more foolish, why would she suddenly care now? Hell she would probably give him a hug for coming over at all and dragging me out of my ‘shell.’ That’s it then. I’m screwed." And then the part when she let her mind go wild and was worried he was some type of criminal. I sorta like how you went off topic like that; because thats how people's minds work. It was an entertaining chapter, but also had a lot of emotion to it; especially when Jaycee brought up Austin. I love this book so much; one of my favorites. Seriously; and I read a lot of books. I can't wait to continue, it pains me that every second that I'm writing this review, I'm not reading the next chapter; so I'll go do that now :)