Confession! The Release of Denied Feelings

A Chapter by Emunah June.

When I returned to office, Hawkeye was packing up her things. "My promotion kicked in. I'm moving out!" she said with a smile. "That's cool. I guess I get the desk then?" I asked. She nodded. "Yeah. Uh, quick question....where did you go?" Hawkeye asked as she packed a small plaque that said RIZA HAWKEYE on it. "I had to repair Ed's AutoMail. He broke it," I simply said. Hawkeye didn't seem interested. "Well, anyways, take good care of the office. I'll check up on you every now and then, okay?" she said as she picked up her box. I saluted her. "Yes ma'am. Take care," I said. Hawkeye smiled, then left the room with her little black dog trailing behind (wow, he's so quiet, I didn't even know he was there!) When they both left, I wallowed in the silence of the room. The sound of papers shifting around seemed like they were some sort of comfort. With that gone, I held my hair in between my fingers. Was I going to go insane? I sat on the chair, trying to get a feel for it. The second I fell into the seat, I stood up. The world felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. Nasea and homesickness kicked in so badly, I was beginning to cry. Why was all this happening now? This was my 3rd day in the military...something like this should already have happened. Winry's face kept sneaking into my mind. I was losing all control. My head spun as I sat back in the chair, clentching my teeth and feeling my eyes go wide. I held my head and tried to relax. The tears blurred my vision. It was then that I realized what was going on.

My whole world was shaken.

I had not only left home to come into a place I was unfamiliar with, but my old friend was a total jerk. Now, the people I worked with were leaving me. I felt lonely. The same kind of lonliness I felt when I hadn't met Winry. Everything, to me, was spiraling out of control.

I wish I was never born! I wish I was dead! I wish I had never met Ed, or Winry, or Al!

Tears fell onto the desk, and I gagged a couple of times. Going to the bathroom was no use now. My shaking hand pulled out the trashcan beneath the desk and I got sick. But I had felt something I didn't normally feel: I didn't want to stop. I wanted to get sick forever and ever. If I did, I wouldn't have to face reality. My only world would be my stomach contents and the container that held it all. But this feeling faded, and when I was finished, I wiped my mouth. Finally, my mind just collapsed, and my head fell onto the desk and I sobbed. I cried, I wailed, I went on with the waterworks. Call it whatever you want, but I call it pain.

Pain...

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"Forget about clothes!" That was how Winry had woken me up one morning. We were both 13 years old. "Winry? What are you talking about?" I asked sleepily. "I am not going to design clothes after all! I know where all the cool work is!" she said. I looked at her. "Where?" I asked, still half asleep. "AutoMail! I'm going to learn everything about it! You should too Koda! It's amazing! I mean, look at how beautiful mechanics are! Doesn't just the sight of them make you want to build something?" she asked me excitedly as she waved a magazine in front of my face. All these pictures of things made of steel and machines truly were beautiful...I grabbed the magazine to take a closer look. I looked so close that I could see every scratch on every machine, every screw and every bolt. The sight of them slipping out and falling to the ground made me shiver. "This is really cool Winry! Your right! AutoMail is where it's at!"

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That night, I called Winry and sobbed to her for hours. "I don't want to be here! Edward was right, the military is no place for me! I want to resign! I want to come home and build things! I want to come home and be with you Winry! Please don't make me do this anymore!" I cried, my voice choked. "Koda, I am not making you work for the military. You went of your own free will. Come home if you need to," Winry said soothingly. I wiped my eyes."What would Ed and Al think if I left? Would they think I'm weak?" I asked. "Ed? Maybe. Al? No. He loves his friends to death. I'm sure he'd think of you no different. Please Koda, if you need it, come home," Winry said again. I was silent. "Winry....help me...." I said softly. Then, I hung up. I fell back onto the floor of Scheizca's library. The pain surged through me, but it was nothing compared to the lonliness in my heart. But soon, the phone rang again. I picked it up and answered "Winry?"

"Koda?"

"C...Colonel Mustang?!"

"Yes. Relax. I need you to come back to base and clean out the infirmary. Ed left some of his belongings and since your his friend, you could give them to him."

"Me? Well, I...."

"Are you questioning me, Koda?"

"No sir. I'll be there soon."

"Good. And...no need to come in uniform. You'll only be here for a couple of seconds."

I hung up and threw on my uniform (I didn't care. If I went out of uniform, I'd feel more out of place than I already did). The second I left the house, Scheizca called out the window. "Where do you think you're going?" she asked angrily. "To base. Colonel Mustang called me."

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The infirmiry was dark, and I had trouble finding the lightswitch. But when I did, I laughed. Colonel Mustang was right: the room DID have Ed's belongings! His red coat was hanging on the edge of the bed. His shirt that he had taken off was still on the floor (what did he wear home then? I didn't want to know). The ponytail that had held Ed's braid was sitting on the pillow, and the bed wasn't made. The word "slob" escaped my mouth as I picked up his shirt and coat. Just as I grabbed the ponytail, my hip hit the side of the bedside table. "Ow!" I said as I grabbed my hip.

The sound of something hitting the floor grabbed my attention.

I turned my gaze to the floor. There, on the floor, was the gray pocketwatch I had seen earlier. It was closed, so I could see the front. It was a dragon that was reaching out to a jagged circle. My eyes widened. Suddenly, I felt my hands drop Ed's clothing and I was reaching towards the pocketwatch. What was it about this watch that made me go numb? I picked it up and clicked it open. Immedietly, the soft melody began to play. "It's....calling to me...." I said, and I closed it shut. I had no control over myself. When I finally snapped out of it, I threw the pocketwatch into Ed's coat and wrapped it up. I didn't like that pocketwatch, I decided. As I grabbed all of Ed's stuff, I froze.

My pocketwatch! Where is it? Do you have it?

So that was the pocketwatch Ed wanted so badly? I looked at his wrapped up coat, and my hands quickly unwrapped it until I could see the glint of silver. This pocketwatch was very important to him....but why? What did it do that made him love it so much?

And....what could I do to be more like the pocketwatch?

Ed cared for that pocketwatch. He took care of it, never let it get ruined. I could also guarantee it almost never left his sight.

Are you sure it's only that?

No. No I'm not.

Not anymore.

The feelings of pain I was feeling was lack of attention from Edward. I guess that once you love someone, you never stop.

I forced myself to face the fact: I hadn't given up on Ed yet because I still loved him.

That's why I wrapped up the watch carefully and whispered "I'll take care of this. I'm going to bring it back to you safe and sound."

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