Rewinding Tapes [All Over Again]

I want him to look at me.

Not just any look;

that kind of look that takes his breath away,

as if God whispered in his ear

while he was thumbing through pages of Galatians

"That's her."

The way I look at him.

I want him to look at me,

but at the same time,

I hope he never looks at me

ever again.

My ears are cotton padded

and anxiously protected

so I'll never have to hear

or believe

any more "I love you"s

ever

ever

EVER

again.

But I want to trust him.

His eyes light up when he talks

so fast and so fluently and so full of

stars and vast lands of galaxies

that I find myself in space before he ever

finishes his sentences.

Yet I don't ever want him to know.

Past lover told me I wasn't worth his time,

that forgiveness was so far fetched that I must

be out of my mind to ever wish it into thinking.

I told myself that I'd lock up my love

on his way out the door,

but this new boy...this new man...

maybe he could lick these wounds with

whatever gentleness he has to offer?

I want to test these waters.

But I demand to be afraid of rivers.

There is the lantern of Christ within him.

In his actions, in his words,

in his guiding hands that seek only to praise.

Only to worship.

A man after God's own heart.

Maybe mine would have some value?

Oh, but I can't!!

I can't let him know I feel these things.

I don't want to feel anything at all.

I want to turn my chair away,

my back facing him,

so he won't ever know of the girl who hides

from the whispers in the dark

corners of her mind; breath; heart.

But the desire to watch him

walk with God by his side

is just so captivating.

I don't want to play this game again.

I don't want to love another

who will only live to prove

that I am no more human

than I am perfect.

Yet the song that alludes me

that he sings in his praises

is like the siren's beckoning:

I just have to tune in for a few minutes longer.

Author's Note

Pretty self explanatory, I think.