Ceased [My Hands Are Full]

I really like how this one came out!

My eyes ceased to work

After the lights came on

I couldn't hide

There was no place of warmth

No sanctuary to be found

 

This body was torn

Beaten and bruised

Dirtied and battered

And as I dug myself a home in the sand

I finally accepted the intertwined dramas before me

 

 

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This is where trash like me belongs

I deserve nothing more

Nothing less

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

I grew accustomed to the cold

Drinking parched salt

Ignoring the burning pain against the sides of my throat

I drifted off into lands of slumber

And let the hunger wash over me in waves

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

I can lose weight this way

Fast

Easy

I can be beautiful, don't you see that!?

I can be just like them

I can be....loved.

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

 

I could count my ribs on some days

And others, I chose to forget my own name

I washed the marker off my skin

"CHEAP."

"DIRTY."

"USELESS."

"FAT."

But the voices never ceased

And dreams never came

 

 

And some days

My mind couldn't take the abuse

And I'd wake up with nothing

But scissors in one hand

And a pill bottle in the other

Frozen in a choice

Tightrope

Between salvation and Hell

 

Clearly

I chose the previous

Yet I walked on empty

There was no fuel

 

I was not loved.

 

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"Did you see the way she squirmed?
Aww man, that's TOO perfect!

Hey...get up!

I'm not done with you yet!"

"But please

I can't take this anymore..."

 

"Shut up little white girl

Who's gonna hear you scream?

No one but us!"

 

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Church was where I felt safe

At home

And even on the days I spent curled up against porcelain

Shedding pound after calorie

I felt at peace

Safe within the Lord's presence

 

And then there was you.

 

An enigma

A mystery

A fantasy

Always catching my attention

Despite the screaming voices in my ears

"NO! DON'T EVEN TRY!

YOU'RE NOTHING

YOU HEAR ME?

NOTHING!!"

I knew nothing

Not even a name

Yet there was something inside me

That ached with curiosity

 

But the silence stretched

From days

To weeks

To months

And finally

The strings moved just enough

And we spoke.

 

We spoke.

We spoke!

 

And now

Here we are

And this letter of thank you

Starts with me

 

 

_____________________________________________________

 

I could tell you how many times

I get lost in your eyes

In your kindness

Your ability to make me laugh

But it's when you take my hand

That the voices go silent

Cold

And are replaced with the words

That have been hiding all along

That I am loved

Worth it

Deserving

And the urges cease

And the scissors are gone

For how could I ever think these thoughts again?

My hands are full. ❤

 

_______________________________________________________

 

 

 

Author's Note

To That Special Someone,


Words cannot describe how happy you've made me ever since we met. I know, I say it a lot, but I really do mean it. You've done so many things for me that I don't even think you realize. Everything you do is absolutely perfect to me. The way you laugh, the way you smile, the way you hold my hand and call me yours...I just wish we could only be together every day! I do my best to show you how much I care but sometimes I feel like I don't do enough, that I should be doing more, because just like my love for Christ I'm not ashamed to admit that I love you. You have been more than just a boyfriend, you've been a best friend, a supporter, and so much more. I wish I could give you the world, but I hope my measly muscle I call a heart is good enough ❤

Sincerely,

Me, your ever-so-lucky girlfriend