Enclosed Treasure

Enclosed you'll find what's left of me

Within this bottle, a life's work, solemnly contained

The story of a modern day pirate sunken at sea

As I write, my mind floats in the wine of which I've drained

I've cheated and stolen from everyone, myself included

I've squandered most everything found, worth plundering

I've been surrounded by everything, but always secluded

But one chest has remained locked, skin and bone surrounding

Attached to this enclosed note you'll find its contents

As I'm finding the substance of this chest most valuable

It cannot be stolen, bought, or sold, but what it represents

has brought ugly wars, timeless poetry, stories and fables

It's my greatest discovery though it's always been with me

Ironically, I've spent a lifetime searching for this one thing

And though the sharks circle this sinking junk and debris

My manly shields are down and to this final treasure I cling

Lest I sink fathoms upon fathoms below this bitter sea

May the wind and waves carry this one solitary view, so true

My ink is fading, my mind is buzzing, death circles 'round

Enclosed...

Attached...

"My dearest love, my chest is full of eternal love for you."

Reviews

[cynthiabuhainbaello]

I like the rhyme, meter, and flow of this poem although I do not really impose on it- and allow you as writer to write from the heart. There could be minor transgressions but what is important for me as a reader if how the poem manages to send the message, story, and emotions hidden to the reader, as this poem excellently managed to do. The use of the "enclosed" concept also added impact to the personal devastation, and that last lines revealed the "treasure" which was an enduring love unearthed. Beautiful.

[Penlady]

I came back to reread but I would have commented in exactly the same way. Very clear, beautiful message in that bottle.

[Hayley]

The buildup to the last stanza is phenomenal! I felt myself reading a little faster and faster, thinking on the sea, and ah, the rich wine, the sweetness of our minds, the one treasure we have. "As I write, my mind floats in the wine of which I've drained"
Then the last stanza starts to fade off just as its climax is reached, until the last line... I am rendered speechless on the last stanza, truly. That doesn't happen often!
"Lest I sink fathoms upon fathoms below this bitter sea
May the wind and waves carry this one solitary view, so true"
The bitter sea, that bitter life that we must endure... Isn't it true that sometimes we hold on to one concept, one dream to keep us going, one last word...
I sometimes underestimate reviewers as they never seem to get the true metaphors, the disguise that the poem is actually about, but don't spoil a poem! There are the few out there that can pick and analyze a piece.
I enjoyed the read, to say the least!

[Penlady]

You didn't have to explain this poem since the manner in which you wrote it told the story you explained in your review. you don't give yourself enough credit. The poem was clear as the empty wine bottle, the one with the note in it.

[Mary C]

I understand the need for many people to think that rhyming makes "real" poetry. However, we must remember that with rhyming, if one must do so, comes also those nasty old monsters called form, metre and syllables. I might also add that being creative over using tired old phrases and metaphors might do this poem a world of good. I think it is a fine draft. I like where you seem to be going, but form and style fail to impress

[Gordon]

I have to review myself. This is me so I can review myself. Well it's either me or I but one of them is going to review myself. (me, myself and I can get confusing)

As the writer of this piece I wonder if the readers actually grasp all the little juicy morsels and metaphors that were hidden in it. So I will spoil my own poem. The man in this poem has ruined most everything in his life and after draining his last bottle of wine he decides to write a note and put it in the bottle to reveal his greatest treasure. It's in a chest (his heart) and the treasure is his eternal love for his girl. Clever right? I wrote this based on a friendly competition where I was given the word "enclosed" and had to pen a poem using the word. It turned out to be one of my favorite poems. Thanks all for viewing and commenting. :)

As for rhyming or not rhyming... ya i get it. Some people rhyme just to rhyme, but when I write a poem, if it wants to rhyme I let it. But I don't force it. For this piece the rhyming really came easy and in almost every case was the words I wanted to use anyway.

[Priscilla Sayers]

I am in awe as I read line after line. The emotion you convey so true and it causes me heartache. I couldn't even give you a suggestion to chance a thing for it is perfect in it's form and flow. Another powerful piece.

[Helena]

Wow! This poetry at its best. Words escape me, I am in awe of this
wonderful poem. I enjoyed the story and "enclosed" certainly
came to mind whilst reading this....you have talent my friend!

~ Helena ~

[Lostmom]

I have decided I love the word enclosed. Beautiful, just beautiful. You always amaze me. Thank you for sharing your work with me.