what makes my heart burst

when I am completely alone

I drift into my own thoughts

and you do not cross my mind because 

my affection for you

is no comparison to the devotion I have to these words.

I am infatuated by how they make me feel. 

the fidelity, the tenderness, the taste of perfection-

I worship words.

I could never worship you.

I cherish this moment because 

my madness is delightful

nothing compares, no one can make me feel

the way my own thoughts make me feel.

closed, my eyes are more useful than open.

the perfection in this world is destroyed by 

people,

self-indulgence

you want to disagree, I know you do

but wait:

your own imperfections are hidden by my eyelids as well.

for your own gain, your greedy narrow-mindedness 

you ought to encourage me to keep my eyes shut forever.

just think: you could slip away

quietly, tactfully

retain your pride that you value so highly

 and leave me alone.

 

unattended, detached

every second bursts with color before me,

glowing with an intensity that you have become blind to.

somewhere inside of me I pity you, 

I wish you could feel this.

my world is so beautiful without you. 

you, who remind me of the countless ways

life can let you down

like the grandmother who sells saltwater memories for perpetual loneliness;

or the aunt who has long forgotten 

that dyeing easter eggs and wrapping presents can cure disease.

They have all forgotten me 

and life, the cruel passing of time, it makes that love irretrievable. 

I will never visit you.

the world will continue to turn

and I will continue to say words that you will never hear.

deep down, I admit, I wish you could hear me, 

does part of you want to hear me? 

but it is you, all of you 

who have taught me, reminded me again and again 

with your lack of passion, your heartbreaking, useless misery  

you have taught me to hold out for those 

who will cry with me as we watch the car headlights float over the lake like disembodied orbs 

our hearts will never beat wilder 

than they do as we stare into the reflection of the moon on this opaque water.

we drink the moon’s milky reflection until it is too dark for us to see one another.

we stagger home hand in hand, blurred vision 

we are intoxicated with a passion that you will never understand.

our faces are flushed, our finger tips are numb

and we float on and on and pity those who will never have what we have,

those who will never cry at the beauty created by a moon, a lake, and silence.    

you, all of you who spend your precious time 

wondering when the world will be on your side-

you are moving further and further away...

you must know the world would laugh if she heard your thoughts. 

we waste our time, over and over again

on things she cannot and does not want to understand.

my words confuse you, 

and I expect that they always will. 

you will never understand

what makes my heart burst.

 

Reviews

[Michelle N. H.]

You close your eyes, all is right, you open them and all is wrong. I fully understand. What is of love cannot be found outside, only within, and here are no boundaries, within is everything. In my humble opinion anyway :) Lovely write, thank you for putting it out.

[Christyn Jeffries]

I love this so much. To me it seems to describe the internal life of artists-- those who can see and feel things the way other people can't. It definitely creates an air of mystery, as if you are some otherworldly being, different from the rest of us. I love the way you make the incredible inside of your mind sound like a beautiful prison, lonely, but too lovely to leave. I have always had a vivid imagination. I love stories and feel sometimes like my internal world is much more interesting than my real life. Because of this I feel that I can relate to your poem. You put into words what I couldn't.

[Emma Callen]

thank you so much- I'm so glad you understood the meaning of my poem.