With a heart such as this

A Story by kazzy

Fiona has lived her life perfecting her control over her emotions, until her junior year turns her life upside down. Contains emotionally mature/potentially disturbing content.

From a very young age, I was told to keep my emotions in check. Whether it was a skinned knee, of being bullied, or even the death of my grandmother, my parents stressed to me not to shed a single tear. I could not raise my voice. I could not laugh, or scream. My parents were vague about their reasons. I only knew that any extreme emotional response would be met with scolding, revoking privileges, or even a stern slap. By the time I was a teenager, my body and mind had learned self-preservation with the help of regular lessons in meditation. I could still feel, but I could block out and dissociate from most of it. I could smile with contentment, but not with joy. I could frown with displeasure, but not cry with sadness.

I truly don’t want anyone to bear ill will towards my parents or think that my childhood was unbearable. I have many pleasant memories: my mother gently brushing my hair, my father patiently teaching me how to play chess, trips to the zoo, seeing the pride on their faces when I did well, and the support they gave me when I fell short. Of course, it is difficult to always think so rationally as a teenager.

My freshman and sophomore years went fairly uneventfully. I was polite but not overly social, and I had study partners but not really any friends. It was just easier that way. My grades were decent, and I was in the chess club. Sure, I was made fun of sometimes, both for my strange, stoic behavior, as well as for being seen as a bit of a nerd. I had been conditioned to suppress and ignore any emotional reaction that might have been appropriate in those situations, so people eventually learned that they would not get under my skin. People appear to become disturbed when they are unable to exert control over those around them.

I entered my junior year very much expecting it to be no different than any other. I paid attention in class, ate alone at lunch, and heard a few whispers but dealt with no direct bullying or other conflict. At the end of the day, I was waiting for my bus as usual. While absently looking around, I noticed my chemistry lab/study partner from last year, Serena. My eyes almost glazed past her, but somehow my attention shifted back.

She seemed different than last year, more-so than just one summer should change someone. Her raven hair seemed to have a soft shine to it. Her movement was delicate, as if to avoid leaving even the faintest imprint on the ground. When my gaze reached her face, I felt a small, unfamiliar twinge within my chest. Serena’s face looked tired and sad, but her lips had a slight smile. She slowly looked up, and her soulful, emerald eyes met mine. Her smile grew bigger, and I felt a sharper sensation try to escape out of my sternum. It felt like it might be some sort of emotional response, so I closed my eyes to practice my meditative breathing. When my eyes opened, Serena was right in front of me.

“Hello, Fiona” her voice sounded like gentle bells… was that always her voice? “Did you have a nice summer?” I hesitantly responded,

“Hello, Serena… my summer was free from injury and I did go on a few excursions of both frivolous and educational varieties.” She laughed, in an amused but not malicious manner. I became painfully aware of how robotic I sounded.

“Err… it was pleasant enough. I hope that yours was more or less the same?” as I issued my correction, her smile faltered for but a moment, and her voice sounded more strained.

“More or less… so… study partners for physics this year?” I only had time to nod before her bus whisked her away. For the third time, I felt the twinge. What was going on? I had a lot to ponder on, and meditate about, on the dull bus ride home.

That evening, I gave my report of the day’s events to my curious parents. I nonchalantly mentioned the sensations that I briefly experienced. My parents shared looks but said nothing. After dinner, I played chess with my dad, went over various syllabi with my mom, and I went to bed. That night, I had my first dream in years. I dreamt of black birds with green eyes, singing lullabies while fighting back tears. I reached out to touch one, but the world turned to fire and I melted into black. I briefly awoke, and I could have sworn that I heard crying… but that was impossible. Crying wasn’t allowed. I drifted back to sleep and was dreamless once more.

Life was ordinary again. The days melted into weeks, and I did not experience any more unusual symptoms. Midterm exams were approaching quickly. I had been doing well in classes so far, but I remembered that Serena had wanted to be study partners… before I had the chance to debate pros and cons with myself, she actually approached me. Her demeanor was nervous; her forehead had just a little sweat, her hands were stiff, and her smile was hesitant as if expecting rejection. I experienced a mild, warm feeling as I proved her wrong by accepting. We agreed to head to her house together after school. I texted my parents to let them know where I would be.

After the bus dropped us off, we had a bit of walking to do. Her house was a bit outside of the main neighborhood in this area. A gravel path lead us to a small, older but kept together well sort of house. The outskirts of the property were guarded by ancient trees, blocking most of the sun from reaching any windows. Inside, there was junk cluttered around in a semi-organized way. Other than that, the house was very clean; I did not notice much of any dirt, food stains, mold, or anything else. Serena led me to the kitchen, to ask what snack we should eat while studying.

“Hmm… cookies could give us a sugar boost in order to enhance study ability,” I declared. Serena chuckled a little and brought forth a box of chocolate chip cookies. We munched while we worked, relatively silent except for occasional crunching or asking each other for clarification on various chapters of the textbook. A few hours went by. She went to the fridge to get us some beverages, and I thought that I saw some purplish markings on her wrist under her sleeve. I tried to ask her about the bruise, but she just brushed me off. I was about to press her more about it, when we heard the front door unlocking and opening. A young man’s voice called out,

“Serena, you home? What’s for dinner?” a taller, slightly older version of Serena entered the room. He was lean, wearing jeans, a buttoned-down shirt, and a tie. His black hair was combed back, and his face was slightly flushed. After grabbing a beer from the fridge, he paused, and finally noticed that I was there.

“Oh…I didn’t know you had a friend over,” his voice was almost mocking, but maybe I imagined it. Serena seemed to tense up.

“Yes… we were just studying for the upcoming exams,” her voice was small, as she gestured to the books scattered on the table. His eyes narrowed momentarily and then he relaxed.

“Okay…but she should get home soon, we have to get ready for dinner. I hope you didn’t eat too many cookies.” He slunk away downstairs. Serena breathed deeply, as if she had been holding her breath. She explained that that was her brother, William. Her parents were away, so it was just her and William for now. She had trouble meeting my eyes. I gently took her hands and examined her bruises; they were roughly finger shaped, as if she had been grabbed. I finally found her eyes, and they were starting to water. I felt a pang in my heart.

“Serena,” I managed to say, “you’re one of the sweetest, kindest, smartest people that I’ve ever known…if someone is hurting you, even if they are your own flesh and blood, you don’t deserve that. You could stay with me, I’m sure that my parents would want to help. I could protect you…” I suddenly noticed that our faces were very close together. The feeling in my chest started throbbing with pain. My hands were trembling, but I couldn’t help but reach forward to move one of her obsidian locks from her face. I cannot remember how it happened, but her lips were touching mine. They were warm, soft, and comforting in a way I had never known. The pain became unbearable, but I didn’t want this moment to end. Everything was unbearably hot. I vaguely remembered a faint voice calling out to me as my world faded to black.

My eyes slowly opened to an unfamiliar room. I heard beeping; when I looked around, I noticed that I was hooked up to monitoring equipment. I had various tubes and wires going in and out of me. Logically, I deduced that I must be in a hospital room. I heard the voices of my parents just outside, speaking in hushed tones with either a nurse or doctor, or at least I assumed. My parents entered my room; their faces looked exhausted with concern. They lit up slightly upon seeing that I was awake.

“Sweetheart…how are you feeling?” my father asked me. I could only shrug.

“What…what happened to me?” my voice felt feeble. My parents glanced at each other. They kept opening and closing their mouths, as if they couldn’t decide on what they should say. I waited.

“Well… you just had a bit of a fall. You fainted and scared your friend, so she called us,” my mother said. I frowned.

“Okay… but why did I faint?” more fidgeting from my parents.

“Your heart… it seems like something aggravated you in some way, and it was just too much” my father stated. I stared blankly at them.

“That doesn’t really make sense…” I started to say, but my parents interrupted me.

“What’s important is you’re okay now… we’ll just make sure you get some advanced meditation courses into your schedule and you’ll be good as new!” my mother chirped. They quickly left before I could ask anything else. I felt so confused… why wouldn’t they go into specifics as to what had happened?

A week of intense meditation (and medication) later, my parents grudgingly allowed me to go back to school. People seemed to give me an extra wide berth. Rumors spread quickly at my school; I’m sure they all have heard reasons for my absence, whether or not they knew the truth. I didn’t even know the truth myself…

When physics class came around, I was surprised to see Serena sitting at a different table. She avoided looking at me. I tried to catch up with her after class, but I lost her in the swarm of post-class madness. After school, I was finally able to confront her. Her face paled.

“Fiona…I’m not supposed to… I cannot talk to you anymore. I am so sorry” her voice faltered slightly, before she ran away once more. I tried to follow, but another classmate stopped me.

“Slow down, crazy,” he mocked, “she’s just afraid that she’ll melt the great ice queen, and that there will be none of you left come spring!” he and a few other boys laughed. I started to feel something in my chest again, but it was interrupted by the boy pushing me to the ground. I looked down; my knee was cut open from a rock on the ground… but my chest pain stopped.

“Maybe I could melt you instead…” he started to grab me by the hair, but noticed a teacher coming our way and he stopped. “Another time…ice queen,” and he walked away. I ignored his threat. I was busy puzzling over the sudden distance between Serena and myself, as well as toying with the notion that pain might be a better alternative than meditating, or at least a buffer.

I decided to respect Serena’s wishes, and gave her space. I kept an eye on her though and watched as she slowly wasted away. Each day, her smile grew smaller. Each day, she seemed thinner, and her eyes lost their light bit by bit. I wondered how many bruises she had hidden away. It grew more difficult for me to keep emotionless. I started keeping a small razor blade in the side compartment of my backpack. Every day, I had to cut a little deeper just to prevent myself from the dangers that were within me. Even so, I got so worried about her, I actually tried to reach out to school staff about her. They simply assured me they had called and spoken with her older brother, and that everything was fine at home. She was just on some diet, and they had spoken to her about getting proper nutrition. Everything was fine. Somehow, I did not feel reassured. I tried reaching out to her again, but it was like trying to talk to a ghost. I admitted to my parents that I was worried about her. They gave each other that annoying look that I had begun to hate… they said they would go check in on her and her brother tomorrow, but that they did not want me to worry any more about it or get involved in any way. I had to do a great deal of self-harm plus meditating in order to push my emotional response away.

When I went to school the next day, Serena was not there. There was a tightness in my chest. Filled with impulse, I left school in the middle of the day. I had to go visit her, I had to make sure she was okay. The journey was long. I’m not sure how I even remembered the way. I just knew that I had to.

Finally, I approached the house. The grounds seemed darker than I remembered. The house had a foul stench that I didn’t remember from before. I knocked on the front door. There was no answer. I tried the doorknob, and it was unlocked. I cautiously proceeded. The smell intensified. It was dark, and the floor had slippery spots. I had to ignore every instinct in me screaming to get out. I entered the kitchen, and there she was.

She was laying on the floor. Her hair was flowing away from her body, merging with the blackish pool around her. Her eyes stared up into nothing; they were vacant, and I almost drowned within their vast abyss. Her lips were slightly parted and moist with blood that was no longer coursing through her veins. A dirty knife handle rose from her chest. I was frozen in this terrifying moment.

Pain started growing in my chest. I closed my eyes to breathe slowly…but then I opened them. I didn’t want to repress this. Some feelings need to be felt, no matter the cost. The room started growing hot. Why couldn’t I have helped her in time, why couldn’t she have reached out to me? My legs stopped working. I fell, laying down next to her. What was wrong with me, that I had not been able to love her like I should have? The agony felt like it was going to explode. I needed to feel. Shadows entered my vision. In my mind, there was only her, but it was so much. I felt myself burst into flames.

Extreme pressure is released from my back, as fiery bright wings spring forth. I rise above myself, feeling free and painless like never before. I am a phoenix. And I am going to find my raven.