Cycle of Disgustingness

It's the product I turned in to my Honors English teacher, but I'm going to make it soo much longer o-o

Nailene glanced at her alarm clock. It read 5:17 am. She sighed and thought sarcastically Oh joy, I’m alive. She could hear the faint whispering of the little voice in the back of her mind. She didn’t want to give in to it today. She wanted to withstand it. She got out of bed reluctantly. Nailene hated mornings like this. Her mom was out of town, and she was home all alone. Her dad had moved out 4 years earlier, so he was of course nowhere in sight. She walked hesitantly past the kitchen, and then turned around and walked slowly towards the refrigerator. She was trying so hard to resist the urge, but to no avail. Her feet would not stop moving, she kept moving closer to the refrigerator. By this time, the voice in her mind was practically yelling at her. She opened the door. The cycle was beginning again. She was slowly killing herself.

Nailene sat with her back against the tub, her face pointed away from the toilet and its putrid contents. She couldn’t resist the urge. She had eaten so much food. And here she was, shoving the end of her toothbrush down her throat, making her gag up the entirety of the meal. She felt so disgusted with herself. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. She hated the constant cycle of bingeing and purging, but she couldn’t help herself. The voice in her head was just to overpowering. She just wanted to be beautiful, like everyone else. She leaned in to the toilet once more, and down her throat went the toothbrush.

After her fit, Nailene proceeded getting ready for school. She liked the fact that no one knew of her awful habit, but she also kind of wished someone would notice that she was very sick, and that she needed help. But she would never peep a word about it, no matter how badly she wanted to. The voice in her head wouldn’t let her. It was controlling her. Nailene felt trapped inside her own body. She started the agonizing trek to school. She hated walking to school; it always gave her so much time to think. And when she had time to think, her mind would immediately go to her toothbrush laying in her backpack, alongside her stash of food. Nailene wasn’t sure she could make it through the day.

Sitting in class, Nailene tapped her pencil against her desk nervously. She could hear the voice again; it never went away, only quieted. It was like a constant itch in her mind, incurable. Nailene raised her hand and asked to be dismissed to the restroom, but was denied. Class was almost over. Riinngg. Nailene jetted towards the closest bathroom and hid in the stalls, waiting for everyone changing classes and taking breaks to leave. She leaned against the door, but couldn’t help but overhear a conversation going on between two girls in one of her classes. They were talking about her. Why? Nailene listened closer. “I think she’s just desperate for attention. I mean seriously? She asked to use the restroom 5 times in one class period! What’s up with that?” one of the girls had said. The other replied, “I’m not sure, I think she might be sick. She’s been looking so pale and down lately. I think I should talk to her about it.” Nailene hadn’t known she looked sick. She started to become worried with every word they spoke. Once they were gone, she took out her toothbrush. She had eaten her entire food stash in class, and now felt so fat. She felt like she was the size of a house. She felt ugly and disgusting. Nailene started crying, wishing she could be beautiful. She hastily shoved the toothbrush end down her throat, eager to get all the food out of her system.

When Nailene got home that evening, her mom was nowhere to be found. There was a message on the answering machine. Her mom’s flight was delayed, so no parents once again. Nailene could feel herself sinking into her own little pit of despair. She knew she was drowning in her vomit-filled life. The cycle was continuing. She decided to take a shower. When she went back to her bedroom, she stared at her naked form in the mirror. She could see her ribs through her skin, their shape quite defined. She was so skinny. But she was almost beautiful. She was so close. Nailene ran back to the bathroom and threw up. She didn’t need her toothbrush this time. The sight of her deformed body made her sick. She lay on the cold, white floor. She was so tired of living her life this way, always suffering. She was becoming an addict. Nailene hated herself more now than ever. She got an idea. She broke one of her razors, and took out the razor blade. Maybe this will help me to be beautiful. Nailene thought desperately. She dragged the blade across her arms, and laughed lightly. She then burst into a fit of giggles. She would be free tonight.

Nailene lay in the strange white room, on the little bed. Artificial light lit the room. Everything was white. Even the clothes the weird people dressed her in. She was tied down against the bed, wondering why she was here. Then she remembered. Her mother found her lying in a puddle of her blood, on the brink of death. She was sent to an insane asylum. She couldn’t hurt herself anymore. She had cut herself pretty deep. Nailene remembered the blood seeping through every new cut she made. She giggled thinking about it. When the men in white coats took her away, she remembered screaming she wasn’t crazy. And she wasn’t. At least, that’s what she believed. Nailene missed the burn of half-digested food mixed with stomach acid in her throat. She missed it terribly. The voice had taken over her entire body. She was no longer in control. Nailene then realized I was never in control. Nailene shook violently, convulsing. The affects from bulimia were starting to get to her. She was dying, a very slow and painful death. The doctors walked in, she smiled at them. Their voices faded. She was going to die. She could faintly hear them yelling, trying to keep her alive. They wouldn’t make her live in this hell any longer.

And with that being her dying thought, Nailene died. The doctors sighed defeatedly. They had lost her. They guessed someone was going to have to break the news to her mother. The nurse wrote on a clipboard.

Nailene Thomas

Age: 16

Time of Death: 8:15pm