Protectors Chapter 1

The start of the story, please let me know what you think?

'To watch, to serve, to protect.'

    There it was, our motto, on a wooden board hanging above the main door. We, the protectors, were given one job and one job only, protect the one your assigned, with your life. We had three main rules that must never be broken, rule 3, never be heard of, seen, or talk to the assignment, rule 2, never get too close, and last and most importantly, never, under any circumstance, let them die. Our job is simple, keep the assignment alive and follow the rules.

Chapter 1

    Light pink walls, a border of dolls and flowers, boarding the top of the wall, white crib, white rocking chair in the corner, white changing table with two drawers and a top that folded down, and a young mother, standing over the crib, one hand on her six month old baby bump and the other gripping a light brown teddy bear with a red bow around it's neck. She was young, about twenty, blonde hair, blue eyes, slim and fit body, and a smile wide on her face as she stared down at the empty crib. I stayed hidden, within the shadows, and watched, learning, waiting.
“Baby?” He shouted as the front door shut sending an echo and rattle through the little two bedroom house. He knew exactly where to find her and ran right in, wrapping his arms around her, hands landing on her belly, he smiled and kissed her on the neck.
“Guess what?”
“What,” she asked with a smile as she looked over her shoulder at him.
“I got it, I made partner,” he smiled with a bright glow of pride and happiness. She smiled and turned towards him, wrapping both arms around his neck.
“That's great honey!” He smiled and gave her a easy hug and a quick kiss, excitement pouring out of him.
“In three months, we'll be a family, you, me, and our gorgeous daughter. A happy, perfect family,” he said with a smile as he pulled her closer and put his forehead to hers. She smiled brightly, love flashing in her eyes and happiness, happiness everywhere. He placed both hands gently on her hands, that were resting on her belly, and looked deeply in her eyes before they both looked down at their hands locked together and whispered softly, “Malory.”
    They were extremely happy together, nothing more could be better than the feelings they felt for each other. I watched closely throughout the pregnancy, watching her every move, every step, making sure everything was going as planned. January 7th, 2016, there she was, born in St. Peter's Hospital, 2:03 in the morning and gorgeous as could be. I've witnessed many births and too many deaths but for this reason, it felt different. The room was bright, white hospital bed, light blue painted walls, two light brown chairs on opposite side of the bed and machines by her side. She was little, about six pounds, 7 ounces, eighteen inches, and bright blue eyes. I froze there for a second, eyes locked on her, not knowing how to react, what to feel, why I couldn't look away.
    I watched her, everyday, every night, continuously growing physically, mentally, emotionally. It made me happy to see her smile, upset when she cried, and every feeling she felt seemed to bounce from her to me. I watched her first steps, first words, first everything, her first day of school, first conflict, even her first heartbreak. Everyday I stayed hidden, eyes peeled for any danger, any signs, but nothing else caught my eye better then her smile.

Reviews

[IsoRoku]

I found that your concept was truly unique. I haven't heard of anything quite like it. You seemed to have a good hold on how to make your protagonist interesting, even though i don't know his or hers gender yet, you were able to imbue the protagonist with a hearty amount of personality for someone who is so mysterious. This was keenly done by your use of the protagonist as a narrator and the specificity of the protagonists description of the events that transpired around him or her.
I did however find the background characters to be two dimensional. Having your characters be happy is fine but making them happy in a stereotypical way makes them seem boring and rather unlikable. I would find something that you would truly make real people happy, is success really it? Being a partner in a firm is fairly over used plot devise. The happy mother is another thing, love of her husband and a newfound family is a joy anyone can agree with, but again this is overused. I wouldn't change both of the characters backgrounds necessarily i would change one or another. At the moment this family sort of looks like the Brady bunch, I would rather see them be a family befitting a story.
I also felt as if this chapter was brief. Not a lot happened, this was an intro into the main characters role and that was all. I would flesh this chapter out, possibly using moments in this child's childhood or large events that surrounded the parents, something that will lead the reader to a greater understanding of the narrative as a whole.
Interestingly enough I found this book when i was searching for fantasy. At the moment it seems as if it's a sci- fi. I haven't read any of the other chapters so I wouldn't know for sure. If I am mistaken and you are truly a fantasy writer i would be honored if you would join a fantasy reading, writing and editing group i have recently started.
Ps. ignore my grammar in this comment it's 12:27 at night and i was rushing. Damn it why am i up so late?

[Emily]

I agree with what you are saying. This story is more sci-ft than fantasy. I would love it if you could help me with maybe the main characters background and how I could change this to really grasp people's attention. I never really liked the first chapter to be honest and I am struggling with how to make this story and how it's written different than others and more unique. Thank you for telling me the truth, I always get positive things but never constructive criticism which as you can see I need. I would love your help on this, it would mean a lot. I'm hoping to finish this and one day get it published. I feel I would need your and this websites help to make this story one of a kind and good enough to publish. I'll get working on changing and editing the first chapter but would love your feedback on the rest of this story. Thank you, this really helps and means a lot.