The Moment After Being Without

About a memorable moment with a close friend

It came and went

And all of myself was spent

In that one moment

But I received

Something that can never be conceived

By anyone but me

For in me was conceived

A seed-

      A seed sown and

Now has grown

For me alone

The trunk extends, I vomit

My pride and selfishness, My insides

Pierced by branches outstretched

My hand outstretched to you, Can you stomach

This love-

       This love was light

Like his smile in the night

Like everything was right

And I felt his elation

He must have felt the reverberation

Of my heart though his jacket was thick

He must have the reverberation

Though it was quick-

     It was quick but forever

in my mind that was severed

By a hug that would never

Be understood

By anyone

But me

For in me

Was placed

True Joy.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

comment what you think and what i need to work on

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

Let me just be the first to say....WELCOME TO WRITER'S CAFE~!!!!! *Ahem* Now moving on. This was a fantastic poem, especially since it is your first poem. The only thing I feel the need to point out is that there are a few spelling mistakes in this poem. I don't know if its dyslexia or what but giving the line a short once over before you move on would be a good idea. (Its entirely possible you don't even notice on the once over, but it should decrease the amount of misspells considerably). In specifics, here:

"For i me was coneive"----For I conceived? I don't quite get what you meant to say in this line, try rewording it. :P

"My pride and selfishness, My stomach
Pierced with branches outstretched
My hand outstretched to you, Can you stomach"----the word stomach is too close to itself to be repeated, try a synonym maybe. (Though somewhat childish, you could also say tummy).

"Like his smile in the nigh"---I have a feeling you meant to say night, just wanted to point it out. :P

"He must hae felt the reverberation"----I assume you meant hae to be have.

"Be conceive"----on this line I think you meant to say conceived, however I would like to say using a synonym for conceived would be smart, since the same word makes an appearance about four or five times in this short poem.

This, overall, was an amazing piece! I think you're going to be a great writer and I look forward to reading and reviewing you in the future!

[.Em.]

I realize the spelling mistakes now haha I was actually in a rush when I was typing it and I see what you mean about being repetitive ... I'll make changes when I have time thank you :)

[Riley Bray]

You betcha!

[paul sal.....]

hi, I think your poem is very nice and flows beautifully and tells an interesting story. I think perhaps you are a mom, if so , I just want to say that moms' and babies are beautiful and hope all is well. if I have misinterpreted your words, I apologize. I wish you true joy either way.

[.Em.]

Haha. I'm not a mother but its ok :) I like your interpretation. The poems I write don't always have to be about me. Thank you so much for reading and your kind words!

[.Em.]

Haha. I'm not a mother but its ok :) I like your interpretation. The poems I write don't always have to be about me. Thank you so much for reading and your kind words!

[Acucena G.]

Congratulation , its beautiful , well done

[.Em.]

thank you so much! :)

[Acucena G.]

you are welcome