Pros and Cons to You

After watching the boy I liked be with another girl for almost a year of high school, I was taken aback when he asked me out soon after their break-up. My thoughts were as follows.

I would have consented without hesitation if you’d asked me a few months earlier. But she was around. And I don’t mean that in a spiteful way. Envy maybe. Pretending to listen to you talk about her in maths class everyday wasn't exactly beneficial.  First kiss, first date, last kiss, and final hate. I went through it all with you. With a hidden infatuation behind every reassuring nod, every consoling hug. Hints gone unseen. The guilt of praying for a collapse between the happy couple still runs with me, dragging me into the heart’s circles of hell and wondering why I should deserve you now. After two solitary months, a smudged valentine’s note scrawled in the scraps of my high school diary, and an impromptu invite to the movies, I was still too insecure to accept you as mine. Now I was actually faced with the prospect of you, panic set in. How would we - but then we could always - what if she - no but then I - skin longing to be scarred. Oh no, not in anger at you. At myself. You’d left her, she’d left you, whatever happened I’m not really sure but there and then you were just you, alone, and I didn't know how to handle that. Me, a burden? Possibly. If I were to tell you the dustiest parts of my punctured heart. But then I realized that you may just see in me a drop of warm blood that my mother, in all her hopeless, drowning haste, struggled to. I had no one left. But you. An apprehensive stare into the mirror. And in that moment I let it be known to the beast whose eyes met mine that you would see the beauty in her. A simple yes would lead you to see it. 

Author's Note

can you understand what I'm getting at about not knowing whether to be with someone? any general improvements?

Reviews

[Joanna Matilda Barlow]

Commitment issues. that's some heavy Mojo. I never had that... but then again... i never had any solid friends before in my life till i met this one girl who risked so much just to make sure that i knew as someone cared about me. This relates in some way to me. Well played. Very well played.