In a World Away

A poem/song that has been a long time coming.

Hanging high and dry

With a cold wind blowing,

All has gone awry,

And slowly waning.

Darkness rules the sky

With foreboding flowing,

Stifling ev'ry sigh

To life pertaining.

 

Time drifts with the tide:

Ev’ry hour an eon,

Wearing ev’ry stride

Beyond repairing.

Roving far and wide,

No more than a peon,

Straining through the snide

And overbearing.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

Through the bleak and stale,

Rolling on for nowhere,

For wind in our sail

We keep on waiting.

Weighing out the scale,

Praying all would go fair,

But with each inhale

We’re suffocating.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

 

Seeking ease in dreams-

Running through the clover;

Waking up to screams

As we keep dying.

Needing genial gleams

When the night is over,

For our tears make streams

As we keep crying.

 

In a world away

Deep beneath the ocean,

Striving ev’ry day

To hold my own!

Tangled in the grey,

Drowning in commotion,

At the break of day

Row me home!

 

At the break of day

Row me home!

-EDP

Reviews

[Wyrn Tiger]

Time in my case is more of a foe then a friend. but to quote myself here " Time ticks on like a clock, the old gears, clicking, ticking tick tock,reminding those of us that will listen, we have so much time yet none in stock."

[emipoemi]

That comment I see is in response to H L's last message, which wasn't exactly related to the poem itself, but good to know your thoughts on that. I myself have some thoughts on time too, in my poem entitled "Time".

My editorial mind is acting up from your quote, and I can't help but say that "Time ticks on like a clock" is a ridiculous line (for lack of a better word - I mean no offense). For clocks represent time, and therefore time doesn't tick like clocks, clocks tick like time. That line needs some tweaking. Keep the format, because I see what you're doing (and that's good), but get rid of the simile (for it's weird, and it doesn't look like you mean for this to be absurd).

Thanks for reading my poem. I would assume you enjoyed it, yah?

[H L Rose]

I love how themes like "time" can be weaved through a poem without ever such a thing be explicitly stated. If you get real philosophical I bet this poem could say a lot about time. It is cool how much can be derived from an analysis of this poem.

I would actually argue that perhaps time can "[tick] on like a clock". If "clocks tick like time" then you're suggesting time "ticks". Also, it feels less cliche to say the time is "ticking". Ticking can be annoying, suspenseful, agonizing... so the question is why does time "tick" instead of the clock. It puts the emphasis on the tick of time instead of the clock. I think it may actually be quite clever.

Not to mention how clever "so much time yet none in stock" is.

[H L Rose]

Also, absurdity can be quite inspiring.

[Wyrn Tiger]

If you listen closely you can here your seconds ticking away, only then will you understand how time is like a ticking clock. Sorry I'm a croniphobic, So when I wright about time running out, its actually a horror story.

[emipoemi]

I'm not arguing against your thinking (per se), I'm saying that clocks are a representation of time, therefore the usage of the simile is weird. Use a metaphor. Much stronger and it shows time to be the ticker, not so much the clock. (again, my poem entitled "Time" has a similar thesis - you should give it a read some time).

[H L Rose]

Well I can understand that. Perhaps clock and time are so closely related that a simile sounds redundant.

I still like it but I can appreciate that argument.

I had never heard of chronophobia before but the idea of it makes for a fantastic poem.
When looking it up I came across chronomentrophobia and it’s given me a great idea for a character.

Emipoemi I looked for “Time” and I swear I’ve read it before, but I can’t find it. What page of your writing is it on?

[emipoemi]

look in my book (first), that's where you've read it, and it's bound to be on here too. somewhere within the first 4-5 pages of my writing.

I also like the idea of "chronophobia" as a poem and "chronometrophobia" as a character (or character trait). You guys better do justice to those before someone else takes their chance to grab them xp.

[H L Rose]

Oh duh! I should have looked there first!
Yep that metaphor, even just the first stanza is killer.

I am so not good in a race
but yes! I need to get on making that character. The wheels in my head are turning.

[H L Rose]

Right from the beginning the feel of the poem reflects the speaker well. You can almost hear the “waning” in his/her voice. The rhyme scheme I think guards this “waning”, keeping it from becoming disinteresting. The rhymes that intertwine in each stanza connect it from beginning to end instead of letting it drift off.

The word choice of course also keeps the reader listening with strong visuals like with the word “rules” in “Darkness rules the sky”.

There are a few lines throughout the poem that catch my eye.
“Drowning in commotion,
At the break of day
Row me home!”
I'm glad these lines are in the chorus because they are definitely worth repeating.

I find the switching from first person singular to plural with “we” and “our” in the 6th stanza interesting. It is one of the many aspects of the poem that can be analyzed deeply.

This feels raw and honest making it connect with the reader. You are going to hate me for this but the rawness reminds me of modern poetry. Not so free and unstructured as contemporary, but not as structured and flowery as classical. This makes me want to suggest that you think about freeing the structure like that of modern poetry and try out different combinations of metrical feet like how you did with "cold wind blowing", and then packing it full of other literary devices that don't necessarily have a pattern. However, I know this is not your style and also doesn't work for it being a song so much as a poem so you can just ignore this advice and I understand!

Thanks for sharing!

[emipoemi]

that's right. It is more a song than a poem, and so there is a musical flow to it that I have to adhere to. And this has been a long time coming. Had the idea for it long long ago but the words didn't come until 5 days ago. But glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

[H L Rose]

of course!
Funny how that works. Time can be a foe and a friend.

[LazerRays]

Time is definetly one of those crazy things that can either be on our side or against us. it has no loyalty.

[H L Rose]

Time having no loyalty is such a fantastic concept. I’m getting so many inspirational ideas today.

[LazerRays]

hahahah! inspiration is good!

[H L Rose]

But I have to go to work in a minute so I don’t have time to entertain it😕
Ugh how I wish I had more time...ha...get it...😅

[LazerRays]

I wrote a contest for us, how about we have contests to decide who we review next! people submit their works and the group decides the winners. winners get their works published on the group and reviews!

[H L Rose]

😮😮😮😮😮genius

[LazerRays]

hahahaha, no, inspirational

[H L Rose]

😆 exactly

[LazerRays]

:P hahahahah