I have this tradition I do at the end of every year.
I look back at all of the twelve previous months and I ask myself questions like;
-What were the most important times?
-What have I learned from this year?
-Who did I meet? Have I made any close friends?
-Have I been living as God wants me to be?
-What can I do this next year to grow closer to God?
-What does this New Year hold?
What can I do this next year to grow closer to God? ... I admit...That question made more sense to me a year ago, than it does today. Because through my experience I have learned that growing closer to God is not necessarily something that we can control.
Let me tell you a story… and maybe you will understand what I mean.
At the beginning of 2006 I made a prayer… I asked God that I might become closer to Him throughout the coming months. Little did I know, what exactly I was asking for!
One day early in March I discovered a small lump over the right side of my ribcage. “That can’t be normal…” I thought to myself. I had had some minor pain in that area before, but had never noticed a lump. So I showed it to my mom and she agreed that it was worth going to the doctor about. We were both pretty concerned.
The following Monday I went to a local clinic. The Practitioner lady examined me and said; “I’m guessing it’s a benign tumor…” She said. Then she quickly added; “But just because it’s a tumor, don’t let the word ‘tumor’ freak you out.” I felt slightly relieved, until the lady left the room to get a price range for the scan that I would need. Then I heard in hushed voices phrases like, “(Gasp) she’s so young!” And a man’s voice saying; “She has health insurance, doesn’t she?” And then I heard the lady say; “No, nothing.” Then I heard somebody say; “Oh my God.” The voices sounded frantic, and I hoped they were not talking about me. But then the lady came back in and asked; “Did you hear us talking? Or do you want me to repeat the prices back to you now?” I faked ignorance, and her face immediately relaxed. I had not, after all, heard them say the prices, just everything else. And everything that I did understand scared me. The appointment ended, and the lady gave me a price range of $800+ for the scan I would need to have taken, to figure out what kind of tumor I have.
When I told my parents the news I tried not to show too much emotion about it, but inside I was very afraid. We had no health insurance, and no money even to pay for scans… but that was the least of my worries… nobody wants to be seriously ill.
It was a couple of days before I told anyone outside of my family. And when I did tell my friends, I couldn’t control my crying. The reaction and support from people was overwhelming. I had some friends come up to me saying they hadn’t prayed in a long time, but were going to start seeking God again because of my situation. Other friends, who were already close to God, were there for strong moral support. Even some of my coworkers said they felt like it was important for them to pray, and I was not even aware that they were believers. A guy I don’t even know had handed me a note filled with words of encouragement and a Bible verse during a worship service.
I kept the paper--- here’s an excerpt: “…It doesn’t take a Holy man, just a Holy God. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the true way of salvation. NEVER regret that kind of pain. You’ll be okay.”
I knew that through that note God Himself was telling me something. There was nothing I could do to change my situation; all I could do was trust in HIM.
“Dear Lord,” I kept praying silently. “I am scared of what might be coming. Can you please help?”
It was over the course of the next several weeks that I spent getting tests at the clinic and waiting to hear back from various doctors. Because I was dependant upon a clinic for low income people and not a traditional doctor’s office, it took a lot longer to get appointments and etc. Thus my life felt twice as nerve wracking. I was waiting to hear back from someone about what step to take next, but didn’t hear anything, didn’t hear anything. My anticipation built. The pain and even the size of the tumor were growing. I had friends asking how I was but I wasn’t able to tell them a definite answer, all I could do was shrug. I had so many people surrounding me with love and encouragement but I still felt alone with fear.
It was during this time that I learned to wait on the Lord in a way that I hadn’t before… I learned that even in long periods of uncertainty, how beautiful it is that we can look to our God who never changes. Because, you see, if I wanted to survive, I had no choice. I could give up, cancel my plans for the future, and be glum all the time… or I could be still in my weakness and be glad that the Lord is always the same. You might be wondering where I saw the Lord’s faithfulness in all of this. (I have, after all, never even seen God!) You might wonder why I even believe in Him! Looking back, the Lord’s goodness was there throughout the whole situation. He was there when friends came like servants willing to give up their time and money. He was there when nonbelievers were coming to me, surprised and curious why I even had hope. He was present and listening when my mom and I were sitting on the stairs weeping in each others arms, longing for peace. He was there when friends came to me, saying that they had given up believing in God but were going to come back to Him after they had seen me remain sane throughout all of the waiting process. There’s no denying it, God was there.
May came along, and I was able to see a specialist after about six weeks of waiting for an appointment. While he was examining the tumor, he kept saying; “Weird… weird! Huh… that’s interesting. I’ve never seen anything like it!” Then he started laughing ever so slightly. I wasn’t sure what to think. “Look,” He said, “I don’t know why they sent you to me, but you have nothing to worry about. I would keep an eye on it, but at this point, it’s nothing serious. You might end up wanting to have it removed eventually. But for now, I would say the best thing is to do nothing.”
I cannot describe the peace that I have felt after that. So did God heal the tumor, or was it harmless all along and the other Doctors were just mistaken? There is no way of knowing for sure, but I believe that I must have been healed. The pain that I was having isn’t there anymore. And it seems unlikely that three separate doctors would all happen to misdiagnose me. But whether the danger was ever there or not, I believe God did a beautiful thing in that time. He helped me to have hope. He taught me patience. And for my friends that returned to Him, that was beautiful thing too.
And so, my friends, as you start this New Year, I do not want you to be discouraged from asking that same question; “Lord, can I grow closer to you this year?” It would mean risking losing your comfort zone for a while, it will most certainly take you out of the boring, day to day life that you are used to… but the reward is amazing.
This year I am asking God for the same things that I did last year: That I may become wiser, that I can be who He wants me to be, and that I may grow closer to Him. I am willing to lose the comfort all over again, if that is what it takes.
Psalm 66:16 “Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”
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