January, When He Kills Himself

Esther knows that Kyle is thinking about killing himself. He denies it. She needs to save him in order to save herself.

January, When He Kills Himself

Bianca and Steve come back on the first Friday of January. Uncle Mike and Colleen come back two days after Bianca. Colleen isn't coming to my flat because she wants to "spend some time of her own". I didn't text her back. As much as I am sorry for her, I'm not sorry for saying what I did to her. Uncle Mike and Steve go to her house to counsel her every evening. 

     "Esther, I know you were in a hurry, but I wasn't expecting you to say something like this her. She is fragile!" I've never heard Uncle Mike speaking so loudly to me when he comes over for dinner. His face is ruddy, "I thought you'd be old enough to understand the situation. You don't have to tell her that Rulissa is dead." 

     "She called me Rulissa," I almost scream back. I have a drink before he comes. "I don't know, maybe somewhere in you or in Steve or in Colleen perceive that I am Rulissa. But she is dead!" 

     Uncle Mike leaves the house before the dinner is finished. Bianca comes out of her room and says, "Wow, I've never seen you two fight." 

     "Because we've kept avoiding to talk about her for years. But we need to stop now because - gosh, I am trying to move on from her death! Gosh, I'm trying to stop pretending!" 

     "Calm down, you're pissed all the time after you came back. What's up with you?" Bianca says. "If you keep talking like this, you'll drive everyone away." 

     Uncle Mike doesn't call back or text me. I sit in my room at night and I wonder maybe it's because I was right, that some part of them - and I don't know how big that part is - perceive that I am her. When will we truly move on? On Sunday, Bianca and I spend the date catching up with the work from my foundation course. I've reached the attendance limit and if I skip one more class or miss the presentation, I can't take my final examinations. Bianca calls Pana, who is very eager to help. They skype call for hours and Bianca finishes her short animation film at five in the afternoon. I still have three assignments to do. 

     "Can you even see?" Bianca asks as she takes away my bottle of Absolut. I wipe the sweat on my forehead with the back of my hand. 

     "Yes. I'm concentrating," I say. 

     "Your hands shake when you type," Bianca says. 

     "I'm tired," I say. 

     "You're always tired," Bianca says, "this is not how you have fun." 

     "It is now. I'm working," I say. "By the way, can you pay the bill this month? I'm running out of money." 

     "What about your saving?" 

     "Spent it on the trip," I say, eyes still looking at the monitor of the laptop. 

     "You were travelling with a millionaire and you spent your own money," Bianca gawks at me. 

     "No, but sometimes, I spent money on food and drinks and he spent his on bigger stuff like buying coke from strangers - when you buy coke from strangers, you spend more - and I bought a mattress and," I smile, "Christmas tree and s***s. I'll start working again after the presentation, I promise."

     "What's happened in the trip? You've never told me," Bianca says. "You had sex with him."

     "Yeah," I say, "Best sex ever. And, and we sat on a shingle beach. We watched a lot of sunsets, and sunrises. And he'll come back here soon." 

     "Isn't he with Livy?" Bianca says, sitting in front of her laptop, "'Livy and Kaigan sharing adorable kisses as the couple exit from Livy's special new year concert. Despite Kaigan's previous sex scandal, an inside source claims that Kaigan believes Livy is the one. She is very understanding of Kaigan's situation and is willing to get through the hard time with him. Kaigan is head over heels in love with her as he has been. Despite Livy's past performance, their relationship is strong as ever. Kaigan keeps calling himself the lucky one. It's a matter of time before we hear a wedding bell.' Seriously? Is it the same bloke who ran away with you?" 

     "It's, um..." 

     "He didn't break up her when you were travelling," Bianca says in a sudden cold tone. 

     "It was in a hurry, but Kyle said Livy hasn't once called him after what Marco did was out, and it's Kyle who called her back. She should have been here for him," I say. 

     "Like you did when they were still together. And they're coming to Greenyard soon, which means you're going - oh no," Bianca says. "Livy doesn't know that you are planning to be Kyle's lover." 

      "No, you're making it sound terrible," I say, typing fast, "we're not - we're not cheating on her. We're just -" 

     "Cheating on her," Bianca says. 

     "I know he still loves me." 

     "Oh please, don't pull out innocent phrases and justify the affair. You cheated with him, and you're going to do it again when he gets here."

     "What between Kyle and Livy is just an act, Kyle isn't happy -" 

     "That's their business," Bianca says, "it's not healthy for you either. I'm worried -" 

     "Oh shut the f**k up. It's none of your business," I say. Bianca stares at me for a moment. I feel awkward, but she nods and goes into her room and shuts the door. She doesn't talk to me for the rest of the day. And then I remember that her mother was cheated on. Everybody hates me. Everyone excepts vodka. I wake up early next day and make Bianca's favourite breakfast. 

     "Hello," I say quietly and pour her a cup of coffee. Bianca grabs a bottle, fill it with water and she picks up her books. She leaves the flat. When I see her in class, she sits far away from me. She gets home later, makes her own dinner and locks the door of her room. That night, I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. In the dream, Bianca hangs herself in the room next to mine. My heart races and I pound her door. 

     "Bianca! Come on, open the door, please!" My breath is shaky.

     She opens the door some time later, hands on her hips, "what the hell is up with you? I am sleeping. I have school and quiz on History of Art tomorrow."

     "I was wondering if -" 

     "Don't you have better stuff to do? Nah, go back to your room and drink. Or call your friend and cheat on somebody." 

     "I - well, would you like to," I think fast, "have breakfast with me tomorrow?"

     "No, I'm eating with somebody." 

     "Who?" 

     "It's none of your business," Bianca says. She slams the door in my face. Knowing you had a friend and you drove her away is worst than never having a friend at all. Ian is now going out with Kitty and he doesn't want to hang out with me again, in case he'd "fall into temptation and hurt Kitty". Uncle Mike hasn't called me. I am very jumpy and lonely these days. I spend a lot of time sitting in Greenyard Memorials, smoking cigarettes that I stole. I get my job back in the River Hotel. 

     "Mike is just upset," Steve says, "I know that it's not fair for you." 

     "Do you, too, think I'm her? You can be honest. Or maybe you do and you don't realise it." 

     "Sometimes," Steve says, "But not since I saw the way you avoid Colleen. I see you as you. There is enough mourning." 

     "Exactly," I say. "everyone's caring about Colleen's feelings, what about me? I can't stay in Rul's shadow forever. They need to know that she is dead. She was my first best friend and she meant the world to me, but I have a life and I'm still living and I'm - I don't know." 

     "I'll talk to Mike, but for Colleen. She was her parent," Steve says. "Let's get to work now."

     When I drive home, I spot Ian and Kitty somewhere holding coffees and laughing. I sob in the car. I get home and Bianca leaves a note on the table that there is mail delivery. She is out for the Art and Design Association meeting. I open the package, it's mum's new paintings. I open the last bottle of Absolut in my room and booze. I look at the painting and I hate them so, so much. I tear them into pieces. I stop later because I don't want to feel like an insane person. I call Kyle in my room. I realise I don't want to stop the road trip, because a big chunk of me still stays in Paradise with him. 

     "Hey, Kyle, I miss you, can you -" 

     "No, Livy's coming in, wait," Kyle's voice becomes quieter, "hey baby. You want to go out for dinner? Yeah, great. Why don't you pick my outfit? No, it's nobody. Just the police. They're confirming the first trial day with me. I'll go down soon. Yeah, I love you." 

     "Kyle?" 

     "Hey, I really have to go down," Kyle says, "is there anything you need?" 

     "Screw you." 

     "What? I'll come see you two days later. I've finally persuaded her to come. She was so stubborn -" 

     I hang up and drink enough to pass out. I wake up when the alarm clock rings. My head hurts like there's a grenade exploding inside. I make my way to the living room. The paintings are taped and hung on the walls. Bianca is reading the textbook. She glances at me and at the paintings, and says "What's your problem?"

     "Having too many problems." And then we go back to our non verbal lives. The day before Kyle and his girlfriend arrive, he has called me. 

     "Hey Es, look, I really want to talk to you," Kyle says, I know he's in the bathroom because of the echoing, "I'm going nut. She says I'm being cold to her and she keeps asking me to kill myself. That's like her favourite thing to say. People ask me questions about Marco and Livy's television show producers met me today and I don't want to be on the show. They're going to record every bit of my life and it'll become a parody. And I'll have people with cameras following me around everywhere I go - I don't want this. I wasn't expecting this and they want me to put out a record with Livy - like a collaboration one. And oh, they want me to sign the new contract in February." 

     "Really?" 

     "Sounds like you're not interested in it." 

     "I have to go," I say, "I need to study." 

     "Come on, fifteen minutes? Tell me about the course. The presentation?" Kyle says.

     "They're boring as f**k and I'm failing," I say. 

     "How is Bianca and Mike and Steve? Colleen?" 

     "They hate me," I say, "and...yeah." 

     "I'll come meet you tomorrow night," Kyle says, "let's meet publicly so we won't end up f*****g. The jazz cafe? At 10?" 

     "Okay." 

     "I love-" 

     "Sure," I hang up.

     Next morning, Bianca says to me during breakfast, "can you not come home before 12:00 tonight?" 

     "Sure," I say, I'm excited, and nervous, that we're talking, "if you don't mind me asking, can you tell me why? I can clean up the place before I go so you can have an enjoyable night." 

     "I'm bringing a boy over. Patrick, from Modern Design Theory class," Bianca says, "we want to have a date night." 

     "Do you want candles? There are candles in the television cupboard drawer, and napkins and wine glasses. Mum's. And I can clean up the place before I leave for school." 

     "Okay. Thank you," Bianca's formality aches me. 

     "I'll be in the jazz cafe tonight," I say. 

     "Not his house?" 

     "No, of course not. Cheating is wrong," I say and Bianca stares at me. "Look I'm sorry about -" 

     "I need to go to school early. To meet Patrick," Bianca says, "Bye." 

     And I let her go. And I detest myself. I go to the cafe when the afternoon class ended. I find a seat the back and watch different performances. I work on my presentation PowerPoint with my laptop and remake the stats and study. I am on my fifth coffee when the sunsets and eighth when Kyle, in a cap and sunglasses, walks in and sit in the back with me. He arrives at 10:48 p.m. when the cafe is empty. 

     "Hey," he says when he takes off his sunglasses. There is no lights in eyes, no smile. His eyes are seriously bloodshot and skin looks rough with acne all over his face. Power on the tip of his nose. He looks exactly like a skeleton. His face is paler than before and lips are thin. 

     "Hello." 

     "Livy is in the house sleeping. I'm staying in the house I've stayed before. Working on the same presentation?"

     "I'm presenting it this Friday," I say. 

     "Are we back to the stranger mode?" Kyle asks. I switch off my laptop. 

     "Maybe." 

     "Do you know that there is a parents petition?" Kyle says, "parents generally believe that I am a terrible role model - I've never asked to be a role model - and the music I've made puts young girls in an early sexualisation. But the truth I don't even know half of the things we promote. I just get the instructions and I pose or sing. And they say what happened with Marco shows that I'm irresponsible and reflects the dangers of celebrity culture. And my drug use. They want me to withdraw from the industry - hell I want to too."

     "Okay."

     "Why are you mad?" 

     "I'm not," I say, "I'm just...desperate. I thought we were in love." 

     "We are. We have been," Kyle says, "Now that I've stopped taking so much coke, the trip we went seems, like, like, unreal." 

     "Maybe it was because of the drugs, it overdraws our emotions." 

     "We're really going to blame the drugs?" Kyle says. 

     "It's easier this way," I say. "Because I've missed you a lot since I got back here and nothing worked in my life and I'm always having this headache. And let's face it, we can never really be together. After your contract in February, somebody is going to renew another one, and again after that. It'll go with the same pattern." 

     He doesn't speak, "I'm not doing this for myself. It's the -"

     "Crews. Why are you so desperate to be their hero?" 

     "It feels nice to be somebody. Like a wise, good person." Kyle says. "You're the only person I'm selfish with, and I just want a little bit of something, someone for myself. And, god, that sounds terrible. I can't define which part is a job and which part is my life, and...f**k it." 

     "I don't want to be your in between," I say. "don't want to be that temporary madness mediator all the time. You never mediate the madness I am dealing with. You've actually told Livy you love her." 

     "That's all this is about? That's just an act," Kyle says. "Look, I'm nobody. I'm just a guy who makes bad choices. But you wanted me. You can it again. I'll come here more. We'll travel to India, or North Korea if you want."

     "We need to stop all these." My head is hurting again. I shut my eyes. "I'll go to the washroom." 

     I puke in the toilet before sitting with Kyle again. I drink up the coffee. My throat is burning. 

     "You really want to stop? Because if you cut off with me, I have nothing left to lose." 

     "What do you mean?" My voice is hoarse and my mouth tastes sour. 

     "I just really want to die. Livy has been asking me to and I can't do it anymore," Kyle says. 

     "Very funny," I say, "just say no to the producers. Save yourself before you save anyone else." 

     "Have you ever thought about death? Maybe I'll save myself through that." 

     "What are you talking about?" I ask softly, "look at me, Kyle. Hey. Hey, gorgeous. Listen, you're just 19. Say no to Fane Bane and get a life that you want." 

     Kyle shrugs and stands up. "Let's go, I'll drive you home." 

     I get in Kyle's car. 

     "Stop staring at me," Kyle says when he drives. "I'm not going to do that. Don't be ridiculous." He laughs uneasily. He stops the car near at the backdoor. 

     "I can't go home until midnight. Bianca's having a date night," I say. "Do you want to go to the trash room and have a f*g?" 

     So we smoke in the room and make love among the stinky, dirty black rubbish bag. After Kyle dumps the condom, I sit on the floor with only my knickers and bra and I puts on Kyle's ashy tee shirt. I wipe my tears with it and Kyle sits next to me in his coat. I lean on his shoulder and smoke his cigarettes until 12:16 a.m.

*

     I didn't drink anything the night before my presentation. Bianca went to sleep early and she is very nervous. I've decided to talk to her before the presentation because I can't bear not talking to her. It was my fault and I'm going to fix things. I've stopped smoking spliff the past two days. I've written a plan during General Studies, to exercise, to hike. Do something instead of drinking. I am getting my s***s together.

     Before I sleep, I dial Uncle Mike's phone number. 

     "Hello?" I say. 

     "Esther? Wait, let me leave the pharmacy. There's an old man keeps asking me for extra sleeping pills," Uncle Mike says. A while later, he says, "how are you?" 

     "Great, we haven't talked in ages," I say, "look, I'm sorry about that day. I was rude and inconsiderate and angry. I didn't mean to be like this. I was mean and grumpy lately and I'm sorry." 

     "About that. I was going to call you after your presentation," Uncle Mike says, "as you know, I've been bringing Colleen to the hospital therapist. I went in with her during the second session. There was a psychologist. And they've talked to me afterward. From the session, they think that Colleen isn't the only one who has problem with..." Uncle Mike sighs, "with Rulissa committing suicide. There. I've said it out loud. I've never thought that I have still problems with it and I'm a nurse! Colleen is more serious. So, both her and I will be joining some more sessions and a positive thinking class. Colleen is still working on her issue and Esther, I am so sorry. Colleen will come around and she'll leave you alone until she can manage herself."

     "I really want to give you a massive hug now," I say. 

     "How about this? We'll go to Haagen Dazs after your presentation. You, me and Bianca. We'll order double Salted Caramel. Are you and her arguing? She looks upset last time I talk to her." 

     "We'll be fine," I say, "I promise." 

     We hang up and I close my eyes to sleep. What seems like hours later, my phone rings. 

     "Hello, it's four a.m. You'd better have something nice to say," I say sleepily.

     "No I don't. I'm really scared. I don't know who to call," It's a young girl's fierce, whispering voice. "Esther, Creep sent me weird messages. He's in Greenyard now. You need to find him." 

     "What messages?" I sit up immediately. 

     "He wrote 'I love you, Smart. You're the best, smartest sister any brother can ask for. You're always standing up for me. I love you so much and you're so beautiful. Do not let anyone bring you down. Remember that I will always love you. Don't tell anyone I sent you this.' What should I do? Nerd is in Manchester." 

     "I'll find him now. Don't worry. I call you when I do," I say. I grab a jacket and get into my car. The road is slippery and I've reached his house soon. I get off the car, my hands and face are cold since I've only got a jacket covering my sleepwear. 

     "Calm down. Calm down. Calm down." I mutter to myself.

     Lights are still on in his house. I ring the bell and pound the door. I forbid my mind to think of the worse. I rub my eyes to keep the water away. I keep pounding and my fists are red. The door is opened by a beautiful woman, she looks glamorous with lots of stuff dangling along her neck. 

     "Are you an usher from the party? Good, you're delivering our coats right? Are they in your car? Mind mine, it can cost your annual salary." 

     "Where is Kyle?" 

     "Oh, love, you're not some fans? I appreciate your effort to find us in the middle of the night. But it's late. Now where are our coats? Kyle is forgetful." 

     "I want to see him," I feel very intimated when she talks to me. 

     "Darling, no. Give me our coats."

     "I don't have coats. Kyle?" I shout. 

     "You're extremely rude. You could have hurt my ears with that hideous scream," Livy says. "And he's in the balcony smoking. I hate it when guys smoke. He smokes and has hideous scars on his thighs. I've told him to have a surgery and get rid of them. Oh, for goodness sake, he -"

     "Kyle?" I shout again. 

     "I can sue you -" 

     "Livy, who's that? I thought I heard - oh hello Esther," Kyle appears behind the Livy. He smiles at me. He hasn't called me since we left the cafe. 

     "Esther Brown? Your ex girlfriend? Your ex girlfriend is at your door. That's unacceptable. You shouldn't be meeting your ex girlfriends anyway," Livy says, "You're a grown man, you should have managed your exs and cut them off your life. You're a grown man, you should have stopped hanging around teenage girl and invest your time in me for our future."

     "She's my friend," Kyle says. 

     "No, no," Livy smiles, "you know what? You should go back inside and we'll call the party organisers to bring us back our coats." 

     "I'll go get the coats now," Kyle says. 

     "Go get the coats? No," Livy chuckles, "you're so cute my love. A grown, famous man doesn't get his own clothes. He pays people to do it, or he waits because people will deliver them here on their own."

     "But it's just across the street -" 

     "No, babe. You must be joking. Don't talk about this with me again." Livy says, "don't make me repeat. A grown man doesn't get his own coat, or he might as well kill himself. That is so dumb."

     "I'd like to go," Kyle looks very uncomfortable, "I'd like to pick up flowers for you after the coats. As a surprise. Now you've ruined it. I love you." 

     "Red rose and I'll pretend I don't know this," Livy turns around, "stay away from that b***h." 

     Kyle comes out and closes the door. 

     "How do you live with her?" I ask. 

     "You see why I'd never pick her over you," Kyle says. "Now where can I get flowers in the middle of the night? We went to a fashion party just now."

     "All the shops are closed. There's a park. It opens at night too. You can pick some," I say. We get in the car and I drive Kyle to pick up his coats and to the park to pick some roses. I find some old newspaper on the bench that says "Kaigan the Most Dangerous Celebrity of All Time. Parents Beware". Kyle pricks his fingers. I drive him back and we sit in the car. 

     "Why did you come here at this hour anyway? Don't you have your presentation tomorrow?" Kyle says. 

     "I do." I say. "Pana called me about the messages you sent her. She was worried and asked me to check if everything is okay." 

     "And you came here to find me. At four in the morning." 

     "Don't get used to it," I say. Kyle smiles.

     "I'll call her tomorrow," Kyle says. "I missed her just now."

     "When are you going back?" I ask. 

     "Like, like, well - next week," Kyle says. 

     "Looks like you haven't slept in days," I say.

     "Don't worry, I'll get tons of sleep soon. Really soon," Kyle says, "A long sleep." 

     "What does that mean?" 

     Kyle's eyes are watery and he drops the roses and cups my face suddenly, "I'm so happy to remember that we've been in love. You need to remember that when this is all over. I am always in love with you." 

     "This is not funny. Stop scaring me," I say. 

     "You were never easily scared," Kyle says. He touches my hair. He's studying me. Fear is filling me up. 

     "I am now," I say. "What -"

     "Vulnerable, huh?" 

     "Very. What's up with you?" 

     Kyle kisses my forehead and leaves the car. I watch him get back into the house. I get home, texted Pana that he is okay. I lie on the bed and I have the nightmares of seeing Kyle hanging himself. It's just a dream, I urge myself when I wake up at nine. Bianca is finalising her script with pancakes next to her. 

     "Good morning," I say. 

     "Did you go out last night?" Bianca says. "You left your muddy shoes outside your bedroom door." 

     "Yeah, Kyle was..." I trail off.

     "Yeah don't tell me," Bianca says, she lights a f*g. 

     "I want to - I don't know how. He's scaring me. I have a bad, bad feeling," I say. "oh gosh, he sent weird messages to his sister last night. I thought he was going to kill himself."

     "Is he okay?" 

     "I don't think he is," I say. 

     "But whatever happens, don't leave the presentation hall tonight. I've seen your attendance. If you leave, you can't do the exams in May. By the way, thanks for the number you gave me. Kyle's sister, right? She wants to join the United Nations - I don't remember. The name is too long." 

     "United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and Empowerment of Women," I say. "Look, I'm sorry for that day. I was - the alcohols. I've been drinking too much and coke too. I couldn't function without them and I was adjusting and I was an arsehole." 

     "Coke? You were doing coke?" 

     "On the trip. But I stopped, it wasn't easy. I put all my attention to the Absolut."

     "I think you need to go to a rehab," Bianca says, "I'm serious. Did you see that when you cook, your hands are shaking like hell and you're sweating so much in winter. Those are alcoholic symptoms." 

     "What?" I chuckle, "I'm not an alcoholic." 

     "You said you couldn't function without them. You always puke in the toilet. I smell it. You cover your forehead with your hands during class like you are in pain. Headache, right? How many days can you go without drinking a sip of alcohol?" 

     "I don't know. I haven't tried." 

     "Do you drink to relax? You don't seem to drink to have fun," Bianca says. 

     "I - I don't know," I say. "Maybe it's just -" 

     "I'm here to help, not judge you," Bianca says, "it's your life and your choice. You need to be responsible for yourself. Besides, you're running out of money because of the drinks." 

     "I'll try to stop. If I can't," I say, "I'd see a doctor." 

     "I think you should sign in a rehab," Bianca says, "just take a break from all the Kyle mess." 

     "It sounds expensive," I say. 

     "You can apply for subsidies. Ask Mike," Bianca says. "I'll visit. I think you need to make sure you're healthy before pursuing your studies. And oh, do you hear it? Is your phone ringing your room?" 

     I pick up my phone under the pillow. I have three miss calls from Bedir. I call back, he answers at first ring. 

     "Hello?" 

     "Is Creep with you? Or he's with the Kid?" 

     "Who's the Kid?" 

     "Livy McDonalds. The Kid is her code name," Bedir says. 

     "Kyle is not with me," I say. My heart sinks. "Did he send you weird messages?" 

     "Messages? No," Bedir says, "I've got a financial suspicion call from the bank. I checked my account. I think Creep transfers all his money to me. There are so much money, like he's transferred all he's earned. And I called him for multiple times. He doesn't answer it and I thought he was with you." 

     "Are you very sure that the money belongs to Kyle? Maybe you won a lottery?" 

     "No, I'm sure," Bedir says, "what's going on? " 

     "Okay, listen to me. You need to call Pana now and ask her to tell you what happened last night. Then, can you please phone your parents to see if they have received a huge amount of cash or received any weird messages. Don't make it looks like something bad. Don't scare them. I'm going to go find him now. I'll call you when I do. Just stay calm." 

     We hang up. 

     "Kyle transfers a lot of his money to his brother and he doesn't answer his phones," I say. I grab a coat and a hat. 

     "Have you finalised everything? The presentation I mean." 

     "I'll make time to finalise the script. I have to find him now," I say. 

     "Make sure you're in the hall at seven. Bring the laptop and all your stuff with you, in case you don't have time to come back," Bianca says, "text me if you need anything. Don't be late. They tick attendance at 7 sharp." 

     I nod. Before I leave, I hand her my last ten pounds. I owed her that. I get in the car and call Kyle. It goes to the voice mail. So I leave him messages. 

     "Calm down. Calm down. Calm down," I say to myself when I drive. I drive to his house and ring his bell. Livy opens the door with a facial mask on her face. 

     "Esther Brown? You have guts. This is my boyfriend house. My house," Livy says, swinging her hand in the air, "so -" 

     "Is he here?" 

     "It's not your business. Are you even educated? Do you understand English. I said this is my boyfriend's house. I'll call the police," Livy says. 

     "Where is he?" 

     "Out. Jamming with somebody. Talking to you lowers my IQ and kills my brain cells. But I warn you, if you don't stay away from him -" 

     I get back into my car and drive to Steve's house. That's the only place he can be. I've driven too fast, a police pulls me to a side. 

     "This is officer -"

     "I'm terribly sorry. My boyfriend is sick and he's puking and having fever in his flat. I'm so worried. I'm sorry. Please, can I please go?" 

     I receive a warning and he lets me go. I drive to Steve's house and go up. I hear  the sound of guitar at his door and I ring the bell. Steve opens the door and Kyle is inside. I let out a big breath. I thought I was going to faint. 

     "Look like you've been on a run," Steve says as he invites me to his flat. Uncle Mike is in the positive thinking class and he has shift tonight in the hospital. 

     "Don't you need to prepare for you presentation?" Kyle asks me. He is composing a nice melody with his guitar. 

     "I do, but I was - can I stay?" I say, "I have presentation stuff in my car. Can I bring them up and watch you guys play?"

     "I don't see why not. Well as long as we're not too noisy for you," Steve says. I call Bedir in the car. I finalise the script and pretend to read them as eyeing at Kyle. They're singing and Kyle's voice is raucous. I ask Steve about his Christmas. He looks happy when he talks about Bianca's mum and the ice skating trip they went on. 

     "Speaking of, I need to mail her something today. I'd better go to the post office now before I forget," Steve says, "and I have to go back to work. There're a few new staff today. Need to give them a briefing. Good luck with the presentation. When you leave, just close the door. It'll shut itself." 

     Steve leaves the flat. Silence is haunting. Kyle picks up a guitar and he sings Wild World. Some unknown funk is building up like a wave in my chest. 

     "Why did you transfer your money to Bedir?" I ask at last.  

     "Now you question my finance." 

     "Why?" 

     "Fane Bane said there was something wrong with my bank accounts. I," Kyle shrugs, "I just deposit the money in Nerd's account temporarily." 

     "All of it? You're lying. I can tell. Bedir was very lost when he called me," I say. 

     "Why did everyone call you?" 

     "Because they're scared?" 

     Kyle strokes the guitar strings softly. He then says, "can I play you a song? I wrote it just now with Steve." 

     I nod and he sings it. When he finishes, I realise the name of the song is Take My Last Goodbye. 

     "Why're you saying goodbye?" I whisper. Stay calm, I tell myself. 

     "That's the name of the song. You're taking it too seriously," Kyle says. 

     "I have a feeling that -"

     "You're too sentimental." 

     "I'm worried." 

     "Stop checking on me. You need to let me go," Kyle says. 

     "L-let you go where?"

     "I can't have you live in the between. You deserve a life without me," Kyle says, "I've made enough destructions." 

     "What the f**k are you talking about?" 

     "Let's reheat Steve's pasta and I'll drive you to your presentation," Kyle says. "Can you give me a hand?" 

     Kyle smiles at me, "do you have a funny one line joke?"

     I shake my head. I eat and watch every one of his actions. When we leave the flat, Kyle doesn't bring his guitar. 

     "You said it's your favourite," I remind him. 

     "Steve plays it better," Kyle says. "I'll leave a note. And I want to drive. I'll walk back to my house. Give me the car key." 

     I do, and in the car, Kyle holds my hand and hums a light melody.

     "Have you start cutting yourself again?" 

     "No. Are you disgusted by them?" Kyle asks, "Livy is."

     "They're part of you," I say. I squeeze his hand. "Why are you doing this?"

     "Why are you always asking whys?" Kyle says. He smiles gently at me. "You're being silly."

     "I'm being f*****g terrified," I say. The car stops. It's 18:53 p.m. 

     "I don't like it when they say good luck to you. You don't need it. You will do a good job. When are you presenting?"

     "At nine thirty," I reply. Kyle looks at my face for some time. 

     "Goodbye Esther," Kyle says. He leans forward and kisses my forehead. I sit in the car and let him hold my hand until it's 18:56 p.m. and I must leave.

     "Goodbye," he says again and he parks the car and pulls his hood and walks into the twilight lit street. I race to the lecture hall and take my seat next to Bianca. They tick the attendance.

     "Something is really wrong with him," I whisper to her as somebody making a speech. "Something is going to happen tonight. I don't know what, but - it's tonight." 

     "You're talking like a psychopath," Bianca says. "You just have to stay here until ten. He's not stupid, he won't -" 

     "No he's depressed, and being depressed is more dangerous than being stupid," I whisper.

     "You can call him during breaks," Bianca says. I nod. Bianca presents in the first session. I keep looking at my phone under the table. I call him in the toilet in the first break. He answers my second call. 

     "Kyle? Are you there?" 

     "Yeah. It's not even nine. Are you too nervous?" He says in a light voice. 

     "It's break," I say. "Okay, um, I call to see, um, if you'd like to eat something tomorrow?" 

     "Tomorrow, nah, I'll be - I'll be away. I'm getting somewhere," Kyle says. 

     "Where?" 

     "Nowhere," Kyle says. 

     "What are you doing now?" I try to sound casual. 

     "Livy asks me to put the carpenter box to the attic storeroom. She said it looks violent in the house. Ridiculous, right?" 

     I chuckle uneasily. I hear Bianca knocking the stall door. 

     "I need to go," I say. "I can't call you in my second break. I need to prepare and fill in some forms. But, I'm going to call you afterward-"

     "Sure," Kyle says. "Bye." 

     We hang up. I wipe my eyes with the rough toilet papers. The waiting is long is terrifying. Most of the time, I stare at the clock and fight my mind, try to stay positive. It's nine fifteen at last. I hold my script shakily and listen to the previous presentation. I feel my phone vibrating in my jeans. I am about to take it out when the lecturer calls my name. I stand up and go to the small stage, open the PowerPoint I prepared. 

     "Good," I clear my throat, "Good evening. The topic that I'm presenting is Para Social Relationship." I start talking and I've missed out some of the points and missed some slides of the PowerPoint. The phone keeps vibrating nonstop. My stomach is churning. I glance at the timer. 9 minutes and 16 seconds to go. 

     "The role of audience in this relationship, is - in this relationship is," my voice is shaking. I can't do this. "I'm sorry. I have to go." 

     I put down the script and Bianca throws me my bag and hat. I run out of the lecture hall, take out my phone. Kyle called six times. I get in the car. I left my coat. I drive to Kyle's as quickly as I can. 

     "Calm down. Calm down. Calm..." I stop uttering. I let the tears fall from my cheeks. "Just drive, Esther, just drive." 

     I call Kyle when the red light is on. He's turned off his phone. I listen to the voice mail Kyle left me. 

     "Esther, you always know what I'm up to. You're the one person I can't lie to. Listen, I'll never stop loving you. Wherever I am. You must, like, let me go now and you must move on. I am too tired to keep fighting. I have to go. I don't have poetic things to say," he laughs uneasily, "my last words: You made me stop being the incredible lonely. And you're the most intelligent person that I've met. I am so lucky. Later on, when you're done with your presentation which I am sure was brilliant, you will receive a phone call from the police. And you need to know that you have already saved me more than you know. I love you so much, but I can't do this. This life is too difficult for me. It should be something that I am in charge of, my life I mean, and now I can exercise a very final bit of control. Goodbye, Esther."

     "Just drive, Esther. You're almost there," I keep muttering to myself. I drop the phone on my laps. "Come on. Come on. Keep driving. He'll be okay." I roll down the window to breathe.

     I call Uncle Mike with one hand. He answers at the third ring. 

     "How's the prese-"

     "Kyle is killing himself. I'm going to his house now. You need to- I don't know what to do - I don't want him to die. He can't die. You need to - I don't know. He can't kill himself. He can't do this to me." I whimper. I am choke with my tears. I stop the car and thrust the phone away. 

     "Esther? Esther?" I hear Uncle Mike's small voice. 

     I reach the door. Why aren't there people in the night street? I pound it.  

     "Open the door! Livy McDonalds! Open the door!" 

     The door is opened at least and Livy is glaring at me with her hands on her hips. 

     "What is wrong with you? Kyle is not free. He's in the bathroom, saying he has stomach and needs a while. Get out." 

     I push her to the floor and race upstairs. The bathroom door is locked. 

     "Kyle? Are you in there? Kyle!" 

     "He said he needs to s**t!" Livy shouts, "you savage -" 

     I go to the attic and find a carpenter box on the floor. I open it and take out the heavy hammer. 

     "You break into my house -" 

     "I'm going to hit you with this if you don't shut up," I say to Livy and I smash the hammer face against the bathroom door knob. I do it again and again until the knob is broken and dropped. I kick the door open and inside the elegant toilet, Kyle lies in a bathtub that is filled with red water. It smells rusty here. A razor blade, his phones and many pills are in the sink. I get into the water, it's steamy hot. I drag Kyle out. His wrist is cut. I hold the wound with my hand and pull his body close to me. 

     "Call the ambulance," I say to Livy, who just stands there with wide eyes. 

     "CALL THE F*****G AMBULANCE, B***H!" I bellow. Livy takes out her phone. I take off my shirt and wrap it around Kyle's wrist. There is red water everywhere on the tiles. Kyle smells like blood. I smell like blood. I grab a towel and wipe Kyle's face. No. No. No. I bury my face in his neck. 

     "Don't f**k with me, Kyle. Come on," I mutter. I start crying. People can't do this to me. They can't get into my life, get me attached and then leave. This is not how the game is played. I start screaming. I scream to scare Death away. I scream until my throat hurts. What feels like centuries later, somebody wearing green came in. Rulissa killed me once. Now Kyle wants to do it again. 

     "We're going to get him to the hospital now," the ambulance staff says. Two other burly men put Kyle on a trolley bed and load him into the ambulance. 

     "Who will go to the hospital with him?" The ambulance staff asks. 

     "Me. I found him," I say. I grab Kyle's black tee shirt and a jacket on the couch and I get in the back of the ambulance. I do not look when the staff put tubes and things around Kyle. I sit in the corner and stare at my feet. They're going to save him. I bury my head between my knees. I ask for a plastic bag to puke white foam and things.

     We arrive the hospital and Uncle Mike is at the entrance. He waits with me outside the emergence room. I sob and puke again, then I become numb. And I pray, for the first time, wonder if there is a God, He should show me enough pity to save him. Sometime later, a doctor comes out telling us that Kyle is stable. This is a failed suicide attempt. They have pumped his stomach and stopped his bleeding. He will wake in days. He isn't dying. They are transferring him to a private ward. I start crying again.

     "Get home. Take a rest." Uncle Mike says. "I'm going to call you when he wakes. Don't drive, get a taxi."

     I nod and I go out to the cold street. I walk back to Kyle's house in the cold night, take out my phone from the car. Kyle's house isn't locked. I open the door and go in. There is a note on stuck on the fridge. It writes, "Kyle. I can't manage your life. You're too negative. I don't know what is happening with you, but this is it. Let's go our separate way. I am going back to London tonight. I realise you're not what I want. I wish you the best. Livy." I rip the paper into pieces. I find Kyle's cigarettes and light one. I smoke while I mop the toilet floor. Cigarette smells better than blood, because the smell of blood brings me back to Kyle's motionless body. I need to keep working. I drain the water in the tub and watch the bright red liquid flow out. I grab a brush, take off my bloody jeans and scrub the red stain along the tub. I scrub it again with bleach cleaner. I sit in there and cry again. My mind keeps going back to Kyle's half naked, bloody body in the water.

     I hear the door downstairs open and someone knocks the bathroom door. 

     "Thank god. I've found her, Thomas. Don't worry," I hear a soothing voice. "I'll call you in the morning." 

     I feel her hand stroking my hair. 

     "I thought I'd find you here. You want to cry. I get it. But let's go to another room. The bleach is killing my nose," Bianca says. She helps me up from the tub and brings me to Kyle's bed. I want to light another cigarette, but I am too exhausted to make any more move. 

     "Give me your phone. Someone needs to ring Kyle's family and tell them what's going on. It's better this way than they find out from the police, which they probably have by now." Bianca says. I hand her the phone. 

     "Hello Mrs Mentor? This is not Esther. My name is Bianca," Bianca says next to me, "has anyone contacted you that your son is in the hospital right now? Okay. Yes. No, Esther found him. She is too emotional to talk now. Kyle's friend, Steve, is in the hospital. Can you arrange to come here as soon as possible? He's safe. You stay in Kyle's house in Greenyard. We will ring you if anything happened." 

     "Call Bedir too," I say 

     Bianca finds his name in the contact, "Hello, this is not Esther." Bianca explains the situation and Bedir will take the first train in the morning. 

     "I think they'll stay here for a week," Bianca says. 

     I nod, hugging Kyle's pillow. 

     "You need to stay strong for them. I'm sure they're devastated now, you need to help them get through this," Bianca says in the dark. "One last thing, I know you have this bad habit of running away from things. You can't this time, no matter what Kyle is going to say. You're allowed to be angry and yell at him. And tomorrow, I'll set the alarm clock to seven. Bedir will arrive here at eight and his parents will get here in the afternoon. You need to pick him up from the station and drive him to the hospital." 

     "Okay, how do you always know how to handle things?" 

     "Practice. Sound sassy and confident. Google and self help books," Bianca says, "you've forgotten that I went through a hard time too." 

*

     I pick up Bedir. He's speechless during the ride. We go to the hospital to see Kyle. There's tubes around him and Bedir sits on the couch, covers his face with his hands for some hours. I avoid looking at Kyle's face. 

     "Thank you," Bedir says when I drive him back to Kyle's.

     "Yeah." 

     "How did you know he'd do it?" 

     "The way he talked to me was strange. But after he wakes up and all these - and I don't care whether he wants to or not - he needs to take a long break. Don't let him sign the contract in February," I say. "He can't work like he had anymore." 

     "What contract?" 

     "Just something about a television show," I say. 

     "The Kid's television show?" Bedir asks. I shrug. 

     "How are your mum and dad?" I ask. 

     "They're coming, and they're bringing Pana," Bedir says. "Will Creep be okay?"

     "I'll help him to be," I say. Bedir utters another thank you and we arrive. In the kitchen, Bianca is pulling out all the food from the cupboards. 

     "What are you doing?" I ask. 

     "Your boyfriend has so much expired food in the house," Bianca says, "Gosh, I was going to make lasagne with this sauce," Bianca holds up a small bag, "I could have been food poisoned. He could have killed me. And the beans are expired too. And the Oeros too. And not to mention those rotten meat in the fridge. It stinks. Is it your brother's habit to eat expired food? If yes, we're going to bring all of these to him during our visit." 

     Bedir laughs when Bianca shakes her head.

     "This is Bianca," I say. Bedir helps her to sort the food and clean the smelly, gross fridge for an hour. Bianca ends up finding a pack of unused, edible pasta and some white pasta sauces. I go online to search for something. 

     "Are you trying to be late? His parents should have arrived by now," Bianca says, "don't worry. I won't eat this little guy here."

     "Little guy. Me?" 

     I grab the car key and drive to the train station. Driving hurts my neck. I find Kyle's parents in the station. Pana's eyes are red. Leah, his mother, embraces me and I feel her hot tears on my shoulder. I realise I should have at least taken a bath before I leave. 

     "Thank you for finding him. We've heard from the hospital. Thank you," I hear her voice, "thank you. Thank you." 

     Oliver, his father, gives me a small nod. I lead to the car and drive to the hospital. They go into the private room to see him. I sit in the hospital coffee shop. I text Uncle Mike to see if he can come around. He comes down in blue uniform and buys me a latte. 

     "He's woken. My friend told me," Uncle Mike says, "but he pretends he hasn't." 

     "What should he do next?" I ask. 

     "Dr Ellord suggests him to see counsellor or therapists. Does he have a habit of drug use?"

     "He does," I say. "Should he sign into a rehab? I've checked that there is a rehab in Bolds. If Kyle registers in the Bolds Rehab, he can spend a few months there until he recovers and thinks straight. He's just nineteen. He deserves a life." 

     "You need to remember his patient right. You cannot force him," Uncle Mike says. 

     "I will persuade him," I say. "How're you and Colleen?" 

     "Colleen is becoming less annoying. She is progressing and the therapist is helping her to recognise Rulissa's death, whatever that means. The positive thinking classes are fun, really fun. Janet joined me last week," Uncle Mike says, "I've called your mum and dad last night. They know that you'll be busy, but do text them when you're free. Especially your dad." 

     "Colleen told me that mum and dad got married because they had me. They divorced at 22."

     "Esther, I don't expect you to understand how immature we were when we were about your age, and as much as it hurts me to say this, your dad was the most mature git among us. When you happened, we were all very lost. Your dad insisted marrying your mother, he said it was a right thing to do. Then you came out of your mother's womb and all of a sudden, we grew up. Colleen fell in love and had Rulissa and the dad ran away. Steve and I had to help changing your napkins and babysit you when your mother went to a night school. We were 22 years old brats. Your mum and dad fought all the time and she tried to get it back to him - but she was a 22 years old arrogant b***h. Your mum, my sister. She didn't think for your future and she is not very good at being a mother. She insisted keeping you, like a little revenge to Thomas, and...you're you now. That's the story."

     "It doesn't matter now," I say. "Really. I just want to focus on helping Kyle at the moment."

     "You're not a mistake." 

     "I know," I nod. "And about rehabs, I'm thinking...maybe I should sign in one as well. But that just - hey Pana." 

     Pana sits down next to me. She leaned her head on my shoulder. 

     "I thought I saw him blink," Pana says. "Where is the Kid?" 

     "She left, went back to London. But hey, I'm going to take care of him. And I'll take care of you all, I promise." I say. "Do your parents want to get something to eat and meet your brother?" 

     I hug Uncle Mike goodbye and drive Kyle's family home. I struggle if I should tell them about Kyle's history of self harm. But maybe the doctor will tell them. Oliver and Leah do not stop wiping their tears. 

     "You know, Kyle is a really good person," I say, and I realise I should stop talking about him like he is dead. 

     "Of course," Leah says, "he rarely ever fought with his siblings. He used to call me all the time, wherever he was. And then he started letting himself go and ..."

     "He didn't have a choice. He was raped by the world." I say, "and he has tried so hard to stay strong all these time. He is dealing with -" 

     "Do you even know him at all?" Oliver says in a loud voice, his cheeks are rude, "my son wouldn't take drugs and hurt people. Somebody must have lured him into doing these. It must be Fane Bane. Bane didn't let us say anything. Kyle always tells us that he has everything under control. You don't know him like we do, so please shut your mouth and don't say anything about my son."

     So I don't. I am not mad. He's extremely upset and blaming something, or cursing will relieve the pain. I stop the car outside Kyle's house and help them carry their luggage in. 

     "Dad didn't mean to be rude," Pana says to me when her parents hug Bedir. 

     "It's okay," I say. "I'm going back to my flat. And I'll get here at 6 so I can drive you to the hospital again to see him." 

     Bianca walks to me and thrusts something into my hands. Kyle's phone. 

     "I found this," she says. 

     "Thanks. Can you look after them? I want to go home and take a shower. I smell like hospital and bleach and blood. Just make them food and I'll come around in the evening." 

     I get home and shower and change my clothes. I check the news. Kyle's suicide attempt is publicly known, but Livy didn't give out the address of the hospital, she has gained a little bit of my respect. I puke and I drink mum's old, sour wine. I call Randy with Kyle's phone. 

     "This is Esther. We had dinner before."

     "Oh, I remember. How is Kyle?"

     "He is physically fine. But can you come to Greenyard? You are an important person in his career and he looks up to you. If you can come to encourage him, it'll be great."

     "Okay. I still have some work to do tomorrow, recording a song with someone. But I will get here the day after tomorrow. And it looks like - well from what I've heard today - Fane Bane has officially given up on Kyle. Which should be a good news to him. Even Livy points out thatKyle should rest and shouldn't be on her show. It seems Livy has warned everyone in the industry about giving out Kyle's hospital location. Tell him I send my love." 

     I put on Kyle's red jacket and drive Kyle's family to the hospital. They go up to the private ward on the 15th floor and Kyle is pretending to sleep. I can tell from the shape of his brows. I sit in the coffee shop until they're ready to go. Uncle Mike comes down again to sit with me. 

     "Are you tired? Have you eaten anything?" Uncle Mike says. I shake my head. "I'll buy you a salad and some donuts." 

     I force the food down my throat. 

     "I heard that girl talking to her dad just now," Uncle Mike says, "he was rude to you." 

     "It's fine," I say. 

     "That's what parents do when they find out stuff like this about their kids. Look at Colleen. Don't let it get in your head," Uncle Mike says. "Got you a special hospital badge, if anyone asks, you show them this and they'll let you go."

     "Don't worry about me," I say. I pocket the badge. I have a f*g outside the hospital and I call mum and dad. 

     "I'm fine. I'm doing great." I keep saying. Steve calls to see if there is anything he can help in the situation. I drive the family home again. 

     "Um, Randy is coming the day after tomorrow," I say quietly in the car. "He is going to help Kyle." 

     "Help him? That's what Bane said when he first contacted us about signing him. After that, we rarely got to see him. It's like we've sold our son and he is enslaved by the bowtie man!"

     "Dad, Esther is trying to help us," Bedir, who sits next to me, says.

     "If you're really trying to help, you wouldn't show up with him on Christmas day, both looked like you had taken some pills or something!" Oliver thunders in the car. I drive and stop the car when we arrive. I give Bedir Kyle's house key. Bianca comes out from the house and I drive us back to my flat. 

     "You need to go back to school," I say. "I can handle this." 

     "You will crack if you do this on your own," Bianca says. "The professor said you can't take the final exam."

     "It's fine," I say. When Bianca goes to sleep, I take mum's emergence money from the wardrobe and get back into my car. I stop by a petrol station and fill up the tank. I buy a bottle of Absolut, hide it and drive to the hospital. I show the badge and get into Kyle's room and close the door and curtains. I put my feet on the iron cupboard and drink and close my eyes. Don't look at him, I tell myself. The headache fades, I know what's coming. 

     "Hello Esther," I hear Kyle's voice.  

     "You were probably worn out, but this was the most selfish thing you've ever done. To me," I say. I study the bottle of Absolut. 

     "The nurses said I did it for attention," Kyle says. 

     "You have my full attention 24/7, isn't that enough?" I ask. "When can I be enough for you?" 

     "I did it for me. If I was just gone, everything will be easier for everyone," Kyle says. "Thanks for everything, but can you ask mum and dad not to come tomorrow?" 

     "No. They want to see you," I say. 

     "And you don't want to," Kyle says. I get up to leave. 

     "I'm sorry," I hear him from my back. 

     "I don't even know what to say to you," I say, "I'm trying so hard to make life work, to walk away from sadness and the aftermath of Rulissa's suicide. And when I started to see the light, you tried to kill yourself and push me back into that dark hole again. Do you know how hard it is to go around each day without asking myself why I didn't stop her? And if you died, I'd have to walk around asking myself the same question twice. I needed to numb myself, to not feel anything to avoid pain, but if it was you, I probably would be paralysed in pain for the rest of my life. I - do you have any bags here?" 

     Kyle points at the iron cupboard. I take out a paper bag and puke in a corner with tears dropping into the foul mess of yellow and white. I sit on his bed edge and fold the bag. I pour some alcohol down my sore throat. 

     "I thought you loved me enough to save me from that," I say. 

     "I'm sorry."

     "Are you really?"

     "I saw all of your disappointing faces, and that made me think a lot." Kyle says. 

     "No, those are scared faces. They're horrified, wondering how to build a life if you're not in it. If you die, they would spend every day of the rest of their life picturing your cold body in the blood water, and your dry, dead corpse that further decays with every breath they take. They would ask themselves 'why didn't I call to see if you need anything', and something in them will snap," I say in one breath. My head is heavy. "I'm going to go." 

     "You're not driving home, are you?" Kyle says. 

     "I'll see you tomorrow," I say. 

     "You can't drive. I'll press the emergency call and Mike can drive you home," Kyle says. "Or you can stay here until morning. Nobody knows, they don't really come in, and if they do, they don't really mind. Celebrity perks. I really want you to stay." 

     So I do and I think I fall asleep on the plastic chair. Because when I wake up, a nurse is checking the tubes on Kyle and the sun is rising behind her. She leaves and Kyle's undamaged hand holds mine. 

     "Good morning," Kyle says. I smile lightly and leave the room with my puke bag. I get home before Bianca gets up and I make her waffles with a dizzy head. She is going back to school today since the lecturer will give comment on the presentation. I then drive to the market and do some shopping, call Bedir to open the front door and make a heavy breakfast for Kyle's family. 

     "I appreciate all of these," Bedir says when he helps me to wash the fruit. 

     "It's the least I can do," I say. 

     "Mum has talked to dad. Dad, he -" 

     "Didn't mean to, yeah I know." I say, "I'm having bit of a headache, can you put the food on the plates and wake your family? I'll wait in the car." 

     I sit in the car and fall asleep again. It's like my head is cracking into two pieces. Bedir knocks the window. His family is standing behind him. 

     "Can you drive?" He asks, pushing his glasses upward. "I can help you -" 

     "It's okay," I say. "Get in." 

     "Good morning," I say when I start to drive, "you guys look great." It's difficult to say nice things without lying. Nobody responses so I turn on the radio and turn on a classical music channel. They get into the private ward. Again, I wait outside. From the window, I see Kyle sit up and cry with his parents holding him. Pana climbs on the bed and wraps her arms around his waist while Bedir looks down and rubs his eyes. 

     "I can pretend to be your parent for this touchy moment," I hear Uncle Mike's voice and feel his arm around me. I drop my head on his shoulder and watch Kyle cry for a long time. Then I go to the coffee shop and Uncle Mike tells me stories about how misled teens get back on track. I wipe my sweat when he isn't looking and pretend to be awake. Raya calls me, says that she is coming to Greenyard with Randy tomorrow. She tells me that Marco is really worried. 

     When twilight comes, I knock the private ward door. 

     "My uncle said the nurses are coming to do some checkups. Dr Ellrod would like to see you," I say. Uncle Mike gives me the location and I bring them to the doctor's room. I sit outside for a while, and Leah opens the door. 

     "Esther? Would you like to come in? You're part of the family now. We can't start without you," Leah says and I nod shyly. Dr Ellrod reports Kyle's physical health and lists the therapies and counselling sessions that he will attend next. I make them dinner when I drive them home, they didn't have lunch. Oliver helps me to wash the dishes. 

     "Leah and the kids want me to come and apologise. Miss, you see, I'm a rude, impulsive man. I can't control my mouth. And I apologise for earlier. I'm sorry, I was - I was going out of my mind. You were helping. I was grumpy. I'm useless here." Oliver says. 

     "Don't say that," I say, "if it's okay, my uncle would like to come and cook dinner for you all tomorrow. He's a brilliant cook." 

     I settle them and call to confirm Randy and Raya's arrival time. Bianca tells me about the lectures and classes when I get home. I do some catch up studies and get back into my car at 11:54 p.m. I pick some flowers from the park and run from the securities. I get in the car and buy a bottle of Absolut and get into Kyle's room. 

     "Hi Esther," I see Kyle smiling. I take an empty small glass vase from the iron cupboard and put the flowers and water in. 

     "It looks good," Kyle says. I shrug. "Like you," he says. 

     "Why are you so cheeky tonight?" 

     "Fane Bane called the hospital and I answered him. He doesn't want me. Livy's television show producers say I'll be a baggage. No contract. No nothing. And this," Kyle points at a card on the small table. "My crew wrote it. A get well card with bad drawings. I think, like, like, you know, I was too upset to see anything."

     I smile, "maybe. Randy and Raya are coming to visit tomorrow." 

     "I miss them - well, Raya, not romantically. She's a friend," Kyle says. "Stop drinking. Sit and talk to me." 

     I sit down and look at his bandaged hand. There, we get back together again. I don't bother to be angry at him. I just want him to be alive. 

     "Does it hurt?" 

     "Bit." Kyle says. "Tell me about Rulissa. You rarely talk about her." 

     "We were in a pointless fight when she did it. I didn't ask her to talk to me. I didn't believe the things she said. I didn't ask her to tell somebody. I let her say goodbye. I let her hang up," I inhale deeply, "oh god I really need to drink this. Bianca thinks I've become an alcoholic. I think so too." I drink a lot before putting down the bottle. I feel dizzy and warm. 

     "I don't want to talk about what happened with her. She's dead, and I can't find out who did that to her. Don't ask questions. And all I can do now is to protect her reputation as everyone's favourite girl. People are moving on, finally. I'm taking what I know with me to the grave," I say. "I want everyone to keep moving on."

     "Alright. Why aren't you looking at me?" 

     I shrug. "When I see you, I see blood everywhere. And I think we need to slow down." 

     "You don't want me." 

     "We just need to slow down," I say. "Goodnight. I'm going to get Uncle Mike to drive me home. Sleep now." 

     I drive home on my own. Almost got stopped by the police. I stay in the car and drink until I black out. My head hurts like hell next morning. Pana calls me. 

     "Esther? Are you there?" 

     "Yeah." 

     "I know that we should visit in the evening today since Creep's friends are visit him in the afternoon. But I really want to see him. I don't know what I can do, but I'd like to - I don't want sit here and do nothing."

     "Would you like to read him something?" I ask. I take a shower and find my copy of Peter Pan, then I drive Pana to the hospital. She reads to Kyle, chapter by chapter while I pick up Raya and Randy in the car park. Raya looks healthily pump, her skin is glowing and her smile is wide. She dyed her hair shocking green. Randy on the other hand looks exhausted but contented. He tells me about arguing with Fane Bane to raise the Best Singer's age limit. Raya thinks he'll be successful. She talks about the parents' new petition targeting Fane Bane instead of Kyle, saying Kyle is not the first child star got bullied to hurt himself. 

     I see a lot of hugging from the window glass. Then Steve arrives and I drive Bedir and Kyle's parents here. They all take turn reading Peter Pan to Kyle. I take a nap on the hospital chair. Leah, Kyle's mum, goes to the coffees shop with me then. She barely speaks but she hugs me for a long, long time, doesn't stop muttering 'thank you for saving my son'. I realise I saved him to save me. Then everyone goes to Kyle's house and enjoy the meal Uncle Mike prepared. I lend my laptop to Bedir to check his university notices. I call Bianca and mum and dad, assuring them that I'm happy. I leave the dinner early and have a f*g before visiting Kyle again. My legs are sore.

     "You look smug tonight. Did you receive an epiphany?" I say when I sit down. Kyle chuckles. 

     "It's hard not to when you almost killed yourself. Everyone loves me and I need to...yeah, " Kyle says, "how was the dinner?"

     "Great. We had roast leg of lamb," I say, "and since you are probably here eating terrible hospital food, I've made you grilled sandwiches with extra cheese. And a bag of Doritos. Bianca left it for you yesterday." 

     "Thanks," Kyle beams. He starts to eat and talk, "I'm thinking about taking two or three years to make a record. Randy wants me to join his label. I want to take as much time as I can for the next project. Really spend time to think and create something that I am proud of. Folk and acoustic and a little pop. I want to make sure that I can pour my heart into every one of the song on that record, like, like you know, to make it worthwhile." 

     "Good," I repeat. 

     "But Dr Ellrod said in the morning counselling that I should get into a rehab for a while first. For the cocaine thing. There's a rehab in my village. I'm thinking about, like, spending two or three months there. I need to stop distracting myself with stuff to feel good. And for the press, Steve said I can ask your dad for help from the court. I'll go to Yorkshire after the rehab, Randy has a studio there. I will do small gigs and underground shows, start everything again." 

     I nod. 

     "Pana said they've left you the last chapter. Read me something." Kyle says, gestures the Peter Pan on the cupboard. I pick it up and flip to a random page. 

     "This is the story about a girl, who lost her best friend to suicide once, who almost lost the love of her life to suicide as well. She is cracking now because of the alcohol abuse. She has been feeling fragile for so long that she has finally decided to stop. She is done living in that space between extreme depression and obsessive love. It hurts and is confusing. She is done running away. She wants to grow up. The girl wants to be brave and strong. She is learning. Yet, she is drained and weary, and all she asks now, is a break. The end." 

     "Not the end. To be continued." Kyle says. I smile. 

     "I'm signing into a rehab in Scotland in March," I say, "it locates in the highland. I like to hike." 

     Kyle nods slowly. And he smiles. I know he gets it. I leave the private room. The next day, I give my car key to Bedir and spend the day watching Kim Possible and eating junk food with Bianca. When I sweat and crave for alcohol, I wash my face and talk to Bianca. We go hiking and shopping the day after that. I see people take photos, they don't matter now. 

     When I'm rearranging my room, I find a paper. Kyle wrote it during his first visit. It writes, "Love is patient and kind. Love is not rude, it is not selfish. Love doesn't remember wrong done against it. Love patiently accepts all things". I pin it on my wall along with a photo Kyle and I took. Then I go visit Rulissa's grave with Bianca and Steve.

     The night Kyle is going back to Bolds, which is one week after he got in the hospital, he drops by my flat to return the Peter Pan book. Bianca goes to eat ice cream with Uncle Mike and Colleen. I'll join them later. 

     "The taxi is waiting down there. I've taken back my guitar from Steve. I realise I really like it," Kyle says, showing me the guitar on his back. 

     "Okay. You'll register in the rehab two days later, right? I'll write," I say. "And I'll text you the address of my rehab. Did you get a haircut?"

     Kyle nods. He takes out the Peter Pan and flips it to a random page. 

     "I've got something to read as well," Kyle says, "This is a new story about a boy. He made wrong choices, got himself in wrong places, but there is this girl who dragged him back to earth. She was his escape. She saved his life and showed him how really loved he is. When the boy's world collapsed, she took care of not only him but his baffled family. She showed him that there is a lot of reasons why this place is worth staying. She is one of the reasons. Now that he is not the centre of the world - she showed him that he never should be - he realises how hurt and exhausted he has made her, and he regrets ever picking up the blade. It's going to hurt, but he's letting her go, to move on, to rest, to find whatever she is looking for. Whatever happens, he will not stop loving her, and as they are parting, he still hopes that one day, they'll find a way to be together. Not a sneaky, toxic love story. A blissful one with a happy ending. To be continued."

     "You sure we are going to fall in love again? I may elope with someone else," I ask him as he hands me the book. 

     "No you won't. We'll fall hard like the first time we did," Kyle says. "I'm counting on that." 

     Kyle reaches for the door. 

     "Play me a song?" 

     Kyle smiles and takes out his guitar. He sits on the kitchen table and his hand is still bandaged. He glances at me and says "Don't worry, it'll heal."

     "Okay." I sit down on the floor.

     "No more escaping?" He asks.

     All of a sudden, everything floods back to me. My first love. Our toxic love. Our fights. The sexes. The drugs. The paper on my wall. The smell of cigarette. I look into his grey eyes and I see lights again. He is not longer the boy who picked up pieces of my glass heart and glued them back together. He is becoming a man who offers me the chance to love and be loved. When we first met, he said we're meant for something. Guess we're meant to fix each other's infected wounds. Pain and deaths and remorse and scars surround us every second, but none of them matter now because we will learn to live through them. 

     "No more escaping." I say. I mean that. He starts strumming the guitar. 

The End.