Dear, Hayden

This is basically how I feel. There is nothing special about it, it's not meant to be written with describing words or anything. This is just me telling him how I feel.

Dear, Hayden

 

I've never felt this way before. I mean, I have..with you..I just don't remember how it felt. It feels like it was so long ago that I was in love with you. I never stopped, I just forgot. I forced myself to forget. I don't even know why. I can't believe I threw something away that feels so amazing. All i know is that I have dreams about you every night. I just miss you so much. I know I can wait, because I've waited for you my entire life. I don't know what the future has in store for us, but I hope it has something. You make me feel absolutely wonderful. I feel appreciated, and loved. I hope you love me. I hope you miss me too. Whenever I see you I get nervous. But it's a good nervous. Butterflies are an understatement. Whenever you touch me, no matter in what way, my heart beats ten times faster. You're the sweetest boy I've ever met, and I mean that. I can be myself, and I'm not worried that you'll think differently of me if I just so happen to laugh really loud, and snort my face off. I think you're perfect. Every part of you. But I wonder what you think of me. I always have. When we were younger, I remember feeling so ugly whenever I was around you. I hated myself. Because I knew I could never have you. I don't blame you, but I'm not holding some ancient, cobwebbed, grudge. I just know what it feels like to be dropped on my a*s, and never being picked up. I could never talk to anybody about you seriously. They'd laugh at me. "Oh honey, you don't know what love is." I did, I really did know what love was. Because I didn't understand why I loved you my entire life even when I hadn't seen you for years at a time. But now I know. See, I would have to strongly disagree with all the adults that told me I was too young to understand. Kids do know what love is. Because they are the ones that feel it the most, the crush,the hurt,the fall. And nobody is there to comfort them, because nobody believes them. And why should they? For all they know we have crushes to help us sleep better at night. But you were always different than my neighborhood crushes. I basically spent my childhood crying over you. I can pinpoint a couple of times actually, I know exactly what bedroom I had at that time, and it still makes my heart hurt. Because I recognize this feeling, I still have it. All the time. I'm in love with you, and I never see you. I cried when I was little because I couldn't deal with the hurt that came with you. I can't even tell you how I felt after we brokeup. You had your way of dealing with it, and I'll never know. And I'll never be able to tell you what my heart felt like. In pieces, that's probably a good explanation. My entire life, all I ever wanted was you. It was at the top of my list of life aspirations. So what do you fill your heart with when everything you ever wanted is finally yours, and you dropped it like a fly? I didn't know, and I still don't. What the hell was I thinking? I don't even know! I don't even remember talking to you that night. All I remember is being treated exactly how I was when I was eight years old, and crying over you. My best friend told me that's what I had said I wanted, my mom still thought it was impossible for me to be in love, and the rest of the world went on without me. As for me, I laid in my bed, and I cried. I actually pittied myself. And the instant we stopped talking, I just wanted to call you and say "Just kidding! I love you!" It wouldn't have done any good. I did something awful to you. People tried to tell me how terrible you looked the next day, and it made me want to throwup. I couldn't even stand hurting you like that. I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I wokeup the next morning, and I actually thought I had dreampt it. And when I remembered it was real, I had nothing. I was back to zero, empty. You were- you ARE my world. You always have been. I'm in love with you, and I don't care who says kids can't be in love. I am in love, so in love with you. And the only thing I can hope is that you love me too. <3

Sometimes I dream that you and I are in the rain. I know you love the rain. I like that you have such an appreciation for small things, because I do too. I used to tell you I hated it when it rained. I decided I don't anymore. It's real pretty, if you think about it. The way it falls, it's mesmerizing.

Have you ever wished upon a star? I have. For you. Is that stupid? I guess some would think. I think it's comforting to look up at the sky, and know that you could be looking up at the exact same one. As far away as I feel from you, we look up to the same sun, and the same moon. That makes me happy to think about. But I'd still give anything just to be with you. You know what? I probably sound pathetic to you. There's a good chance. But, I can't help it. I feel like every second of every day the only thing I'm doing is looking forward to your text messages, or I can't wait to get in bed, just to dream about you. I feel like I spend more time with you in my dreams than I do with you in person. I do. Do you ever think it's impractical for us to be in love? I mean, that is, if you do love me. I woulnd't know. Sure, you said it. But what if you just said it because I said it first? I hope you meant it. Not that I'm assuming you have bottomless words, I wouldn't. I just second guess myself a lot, only with you actually. With everybody else I feel fine. But you, you're different. Since you're seventeen, and i'm only fifteen, I sometimes feel like you think I'm pathetic. Like how dare a little girl like me try to take on such a title. Sometimes you intimidate me. I mean, not in a bad way. Just in a way where I feel like I'm giving my everything, and not getting anything back. Maybe you feel the same way..I'll never know.

And Hayden? One last thing. I love you.

Love, Emily Joe

Author's Note

I've known Hayden since the very first day that I was born. Our dad's are best friends. He lives in Ohio, and I live in Chicago. And as you can see, I am head over heels. And, that's a real picture of us from when we were kids !

Reviews

[trish420]

I love this so much... it is so heartfelt and true. Deep beyond your years I woudl say... he sounds lucky to have you :-)

[luciddreamer]

This was such a moving write that there are absolutely no words to describe it...either you feel it or you don't........Bravo :)
Peace
Robin

[Zachary_James]

FANTASTIC

[deeps]

This is amazing, so well said and wonderful. I like the feelings expressed, touching, sad in places. I like this write it's heartfelt.