Forget Me Not

Tommy and Matthew meet each other whilst waiting for the 5 O'clock train to the city, but the train never arrives. // Short tragic love story

Stones slipped around the feet of the young man as he turned onto the small path off the main street, pausing to check the directions on his phone for the final time. But despite the somewhat rough appearance of the train station, the sign that was slightly hidden behind leaves of ivy read the name his map had directed him to, and so hitching his heavy rucksack further up his shoulders, he walked on, curiously looking around his rural surroundings as the station platform came into view. It was small, no longer than one single train carriage, and as he stepped off the muddy path onto the concrete he noted the small building to his side, clearly old with the classic decorative metal framework and the painted wooden signs reading ‘Ticket Office’ and ‘Waiting Room’. But when he stepped closer, pressing his face near to one of the glass panels of the door, all he saw was the black of a very much abandoned and dusty station building. He sighed out, his breath hitting the glass and causing a cloud of condensation to form in the cold air, a small cobweb shaking in the corner from the disruption.

Clumsily turning back around with the weight of his backpack throwing him off balance, he let his body fall to rest against the doors, ignoring how they rattled behind him as he let out another huff of exhaustion. He squinted in the dying afternoon sunlight, scanning his eyes along the tracks of the railway, across the areas of rust and the sections of metal glinting brightly in the light. The tracks came to a stop at the end of the platform, this being the last stop on the line, but just as he’d begun to consider the small plants and weeds nestled between the metal plates of the tracks, a movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention.

Glancing over to where he’d sensed the movement he gasped when he came face to face with the curious eyes of another young man. He tensed as they held eye contact for a second, neither moving to say a word or smile in greeting, but rather just slowly taking each other in. The quiet stranger, who must have been watching Tommy the entire time, was sat cross-legged on a green metal bench, his hands hidden in the pockets of his thick denim jacket, which he was pulling around his body as protection from the cold. His light blonde hair was blowing slightly in the small breeze, fluttering further backwards off his forehead from where it was already sculpted into a messy quiff. He was also squinting in the light, but Tommy still noticed the navy blue of his eyes, and the soft, almost invisible line of his eyelashes. Tommy didn’t register the shaky breath that left his lips before it was out swirling in the air before him, then also registering the increased pace of his heartbeat, but he put it down to the charged and awkward atmosphere between them rather than the handsome stranger himself.

The man’s eyes finally glanced down, giving Tommy space to try and relax his body a little, but not more than a second later, after shifting in his seat a bit, did they meet Tommy’s again, this time brighter, almost glinting with a spark of mischief. Now Tommy noticed his lips, thin and light pink like the frosting on a cake, curled up into the slimmest but cheekiest of smiles as he tilted his head.

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

Tommy started slightly at his words, blinking quickly as he forcefully focused his brain on what the man had said. As the question lingered in the air between them, Tommy finally shook his head, swallowing unnaturally despite his efforts to be calm. “Why?” He countered when time stretched out after his answer, hearing the croakiness in his voice as if it hadn’t been him that spoke.

The corners of the man’s smile stretched further across his creamy skin at that, his eyes fluttering down to his lap. Tommy watched nervously as the man’s smile twitched, as if he were suppressing a laugh over some inside joke. But then he looked up again, finally letting his restrained smile widen into a grin as he replied with a small shrug. “I’d have remembered you, that’s all.”

Tommy could feel his face flood with a blush at the implied compliment, his embarrassment made worse by how the man’s eyes seemed to be eating up Tommy’s reaction. Tommy licked his lips, looking away to the railway tracks as he stalled for time. But fortunately the man spoke again, saving Tommy from having to search for a response. “Do you want to sit down? You’re going to break those doors.”

The man scooted along the bench, leaving a space next to him in an open invitation. Feeling the weight of his bag drag on his shoulders behind him, Tommy sighed in relief at the offer, wobbling up to standing and slowly making his way over to the bench.

“I’m not that fat, you know,” Tommy joked as he came closer to the man, despite knowing that he had meant the weight of his rucksack.

The man snorted at that, watching Tommy with shining eyes as he eased the bag off from his now sweaty shoulders and lowered it to the ground. “Yeah, you really are so obese,” he quipped, looking across Tommy’s slim frame, hesitating when Tommy’s t-shirt accidentally lifted as he pulled off his bag and stretched slightly, revealing a slither of his taught stomach.

Tommy collapsed down on the bench beside the man, subconsciously deciding he felt at ease around him after their short exchange. He sighed happily as he let his body slip down the seat, rolling his head back on his shoulders. He sensed his new friend smiling as he blissfully closed his eyes, saturating in the lightness of his body after carrying his bag all the way to the station.

“I don’t exercise,” Tommy mumbled as explanation, still with his eyes closed, hearing the man beside him laugh quietly.

“You could have been walking for 5 days for all I know.”

Tommy chuckled lightly, shaking his head. “Nope. Try about half an hour instead.” He peeled open his eyes, turning his head to face the man, who he realised with a jolt of his chest was already watching him. “Are you here for the 5 O’clock?” He asked, having been reminded by the man’s previous words.

The man immediately looked away from Troye, eyeing the line of the tracks to where they disappeared in the distance around a bend. “Yep,” he eventually said, and a somewhat heavy silence followed, leaving Tommy to frown and sit up in his seat, deciding it would be best not to probe the man on his strange reaction despite his curiosity.

“Me too,” he nodded, pulling at the sleeves of his woollen jumper, a million ideas of where this man could be going that would have led to his seemingly sombre reaction flying through his head. But after a short silence the man turned back to Tommy with a new-found zest, eyeing Tommy’s bag on the ground.

“So, Traveller,” he started, the replacement of his name, which they had yet to exchange, making Tommy smile, “Why come to this dead-end town?”

Tommy leant back, running his hand through his thick and un-styled hair as he turned to fully face the man. “I’m a musician,” he stated, biting back the flutter in his chest when the man’s eyes brightened, “I came here for a gig, although I’d say it was definitely in my top 10 of worst gigs ever.”

The man stifled a knowing laugh, quickly replying, “Why?”

“Well...I got it through a friend’s connection, who said this pub was always looking out for new talent they could showcase. So you could say I wasn’t quite expecting to find a near empty room of pensioners and fisherman, all sat around the dark dusty room drinking beers and paying no attention to me when I got on stage, or rather, got in the corner lit by a single string of fairy lights. In fact, they were much more interested in the act that followed me, an accordion player, with a strange pirate-esque hairstyle and braided beard. The grannies were practically throwing their bras at him, he was so popular!”

The man laughed outright after Troye finished his story, his face breaking open in a smile. Tommy’s chest swelled in pride, his own lips twitching up in a giggle at the contagious laughter from the man. “The Flying Fish?” He snickered knowingly after he quieted down a bit.

Tommy’s eyes widened as the man guessed the name of the pub, nodding in wonder. “Yeah,” he breathed, biting his lip when the man beamed up at him, his face now a healthy shade of pink, his eyes still twinkling in laughter. “That was it. Do you live here, then?”

The man cleared his throat, looking to his lap and nodding. “Always have,” he replied, looking back up to Tommy with a much tamer smile.

“It’s pretty,” Tommy said, looking to the sky behind the man, which was now dimming into a palette of warm pastels.

The man followed Tommy’s eye line, turning back to Tommy and regarding him with a sense of longing for a second before nodding and speaking quietly. “Some say it’s hard to leave.”

Tommy nodded in agreement, raising his eyebrows and sighing as he reached for his phone in his pocket to check the time. “I can imagine. It’s so peaceful, the perfect escape from city life.” The man said nothing to that, simply looking back to the vanishing point of the train tracks.

Tommy frowned at the numbers on his phone, now reading ‘5:03’, glancing up to join Tyler in looking out to where the train should have appeared from 3 minutes ago. “Looks like its delayed,” he sighed, dropping his phone to his lap so he could keep track of the time.

The man sighed deeply, looking back to Tommy and shaking his head. “Do you have somewhere to go?”

Tommy checked the time again, despite it being only more 1 minute past. “Just going home. I hope it does arrive though, otherwise I’ll have nowhere to stay the night.”

“You could stay at mine.”

Tommy turned to face the man with startled eyes, softening his surprised expression when he noticed the small tint of nervousness in the man’s wavering smile.

“But you don’t know me,” Tommy near whispered, feeling his heartbeat pick up again as he struggled to tear his eyes away from the man’s gaze. But he simply shrugged, his face relaxing now he knew Tommy wasn’t completely adverse to the idea. “What if I’m a murderer?”

Amusement washed over the man’s face, but he didn’t laugh or say a word, instead just raising his eyebrows.

“I mean, I’m not...” Tommy rambled, suddenly feeling awkward under the spotlight of the man’s teasing eyes. “But you wouldn’t have known that.” He huffed around a laugh, beginning to lose the thread and purpose of his argument as he carried on. “You don’t even know my name!”

The man bit his lip, still smiling. Tommy stopped talking then, staring at him as the light dimmed around his outline, but he continued to glow. He wondered what the man was thinking, what sort of flushed expression he was looking at, what pace his heart was beating, and if his stomach was swooping like Tommy’s did when he let his lip ping back out from where he had had it pinned between his teeth.

“Tommy,” he exhaled after the silence became taut enough to break.

The man’s smile widened, an apparent sense of exhilaration shooting through him as he took a breath before speaking.

“Matthew,” he said simply, letting the electric tension envelope them for a second before he jumped to his feet, leaving Tommy to stumble slightly from where he’d unknowingly begun leaning forward.

~

10 minutes later, and the train still hadn’t arrived. Matthew had gone to sit on the edge of the platform, swinging his legs above the train tracks, despite Tommy’s unjustified nervous calls about the train coming. Tommy was pacing the platform, desperately searching out any sort of information on the 5 O’clock train, or any alternative options. But his phone was rapidly losing battery, so facing defeat, Tommy quickly brought up his roommate’s number to tell her he’d be at least a day late. Once ending the call, and tossing his head back to look at the ever darkening sky, Tommy reluctantly shuffled over and slumped down besides Matthew, watching his converses dangle next to Matthew’s boots.

“So, you’re not needed anywhere either?” Tommy questioned cautiously, wanting to get Matthew to open up about his life, but not wanting to pressure him into revealing something sensitive.

He saw Matthew shake his head in the corner of his vision, a small “No” following after. Tommy nodded, leaving space for Matthew to say anything further but accepting it when Matthew instead found a small stone to his side and threw it at the tracks, letting it bounce off and roll to a stop a few paces down the line. Tommy lost sight of it once it settled behind a cluster of flowers, but the disguise led him to a new question, and he nudged Matthew’s foot with his own.

“Hey, don’t all those plants get in the way of the trains?”

Matthew made an intrigued humming sound at the question, and before Tommy could stop him he was sliding his body forward and hopping down onto the tracks. “Matthew!” Troye gasped, his heart leaping into his throat in concern. “Matt, you can’t do that!”

Matthew laughed, dusting off his thighs before stepping across a few of the planks of metal. Tommy watched him with huge eyes, flicking between him and the other end of the track in anticipation of any trains. Matthew crouched down at the spot where the stone had landed, his back facing Tommy. After a few seconds of Tommy frowning at the curious movements of his back and wondering what he was doing, Matthew unravelled up to standing, hiding his hands behind his back as he turned around. Tommy eyed him in question as he stepped across to Tommy, his head level with Tommy’s neck once he reached him because of the drop from the platform. Moments before Matthew brought his hands out to between their bodies, Tommy glanced behind him to see the flowers that had once surrounded the stone gone, the three blue plants now nestled in a bunch between Matthew’s fingers like the smallest bouquet on earth.

“They’re the same shade as your eyes,” he said softly, nodding towards Tommy’s face.

Tommy immediately felt his body heat up for the second time since meeting Matthew, his breath cutting short in his throat. Taking one small step closer, Matthew fit his body in-between Tommy’s legs, pressing himself against the wall of the platform as he reached up, holding the tiny flowers next to Tommy’s eyes. “See?” He whispered, the air between them becoming fragile. Spinning the flowers between his fingers, he then spontaneously and gently slid them above Tommy’s ear, leaving them there and letting his hand drop back to his side, his fingers lightly grazing the back of Tommy’s neck as he did so. “You have Forget-Me-Not eyes,” he smiled, naming the species of flowers.

Tommy all but stopped breathing as Matthew’s hands neared his face, only inhaling the smallest stutter of air once they left. But Tyler’s body stayed close, his forehead the smallest lean down away from Tommy’s. Words practically dissolved off the end of Tommy’s tongue as his brain searched for a response, a reaction, but his body rebelled, only listening to the tweeting of nearby birds coming home to rest, only hearing the sound of his heart thudding hard and fast against his chest, only knowing the inclosing space between them and the feel of Matthew’s breath reaching his collarbone and the sudden need to reach and bring Matthew closer, which he did.

Acting without thinking, Tommy snaked his hands across to place on Matthew’s shoulders, keeping their eyes locked, his chest constricting when Matthew blinked in surprise at the sudden contact of Tommy’s hands, a newfound mix of fear and excitement spinning in his eyes. Tommy’s four other senses paled in the distance behind ‘touch’, letting his fingertips lead his actions, slowly trailing them up the sides of Matthew’s neck and feeling his body shake almost unnoticeably beneath them. Once he’d brushed the edge of Matthew’s jaw, Tommy switched directions, placing his hands flat around the back of Matthew’s neck, ending his mesmerizing and teasing touch across Matthew’s shivering skin. As if awoken, Matthew shifted closer, sliding his hands smoothly up Tommy’s thighs, which reacted to his touch by looping loosely around Matthew’s back. He came to stop on Tommy’s hips, brushing his thumbs across Tommy’s protruding hipbones, as if keeping him in place as he leaned up, curiously looking between Tommy’s eyes, the flowers nestled above his right ear, the soft curls fallen on his forehead, and the tentative parting of his lips.

Tommy’s anticipation reached its peak, holding his breath as he balanced in the grip of desire, his head leaning down as if pulled by a magnetic force. Gently pushing Matthew that last centimetre closer with the heel of his shoe in the small of Matthew’s back, Tommy pressed his forehead to Matthew’s, breathing against his lips. Stroking his fingers once over Matthew’s neck, Matthew’s eyes sparked to life from where they’d been watching the breaths leaving Tommy’s lips, and with one last lingering look into his irises, he finally closed the distance, greeting Tommy’s waiting lips in the smallest of  feather-light touches, his bottom lip brushing up over Tommy’s.

Tommy answered Matthew with a symmetrical touch, pressing down and fitting his lips between Matthew’s. Matthew kissed back, starting a gentle caress that had Tommy humming quietly in pleasure. Tommy pushed firmer against Matthew’s lips, making his throat vibrate beneath Tommy’s fingers in the smallest of impatient growls, his hands sliding further around Tommy’s hips and gripping tighter. Their pace quickened seamlessly, Tommy losing himself in the moment and finding his body shifting closer, wrapping tighter, his fingers just slipping up into the edge of Matthew’s hairline at the back of his neck. But at the tumble of control Matthew hesitated, dramatically slowing the pace like slamming on the brakes, briefly tugging Tommy’s lips to his own before pulling back with a final affectionate peck. He opened his eyes first, smiling like a giddy teenager as he watched Tommy come back down to earth, blinking his eyes open with a childlike amazement that had Matthew’s hands gently and protectively rubbing Tommy’s sides.

Tommy stayed looking across Matthew’s face as Matthew glanced behind Tommy to the now almost completely darkened sky. When he looked back to Tommy he fought against an amused smile at Tommy’s still dazed-out expression, instead removing his hands from Tommy’s hips and reaching to softly take Tommy’s away from his neck. “Want to get back to mine?” He asked as he stepped back from a now startled looking Tommy, reaching to heave himself up and onto the platform. “Looks like the train isn’t coming,” he said as he came to standing, giggling quietly as Tommy stayed sat for a second. He bent down from Tommy’s side, quickly kissing his cheek. “C’mon, Traveller,” he said into Tommy’s ear, turning to start walking away but keeping his pace slow before he heard Tommy scramble up behind him.

~

The darkness of the night acted like swaths of fabric around Matthew as he stumbled through it, his feet falling over one another as he struggled across the unknown ground. The harsh wind whipped at his face, constantly pushing him back as he tried to run forward, every shadow and movement around him making his heart lurch and his stomach twist in sickness. Tears continued to fall from his eyes, stinging his skin as they marked jagged lines down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to shout again, but his throat was raw and as he attempted to shape the same strangled word he’d been screaming for the last fifteen minutes, he almost choked, his throat throbbing in pain.

The wind stilled for a fraction of a moment, allowing Matthew’s eyes to latch onto the one familiar shadow, disappearing a second after. He gasped, jolting forwards and pushing against the wind as he tried to run faster, his entire body heaving with the effort. Indistinguishable lights and shapes flew past him as he ran, his eyes trained entirely in front of him, on the brief sightings of that one shadow, the one that kept running too. He saw the black figure turn a sharp corner, and suddenly understanding where he was, he pounded the pavement faster, his chest burning as he sharply panted into the night air. He followed, taking the same corner and racing up the same small path minutes later. “Dad!” He screeched one final time as he finally came out onto the station platform, whipping his head around.

His breath jolted to a stop, silence suddenly ringing around him. Only the leaves of the bushes lining the railway track moved, rustling in the wind, and everything else was empty. Matthew let out a strangled sob, collapsing to kneel on the ground and rubbing at his face with his hands. “Dad,” he whimpered into his palms, repeating the same word over and over until he heard a distant sound, followed by a deathly silence.

~

Tommy stumbled to follow Matthew out of the train station, quickly grabbing his rucksack and balancing it lopsided on his back until he could catch up with Matthew and put it on properly. As he raced to the path Matthew had turned onto he paused for a second when a large clock at the other end of the platform, hanging from a metal branch attached to the station building, caught his eye. It was shadowed slightly by the small protruding roof of the building, but some distant light was reflecting off of it now, making Tommy notice it and wonder how long it hadn’t been working. But brushing the irrelevant thought aside, his thoughts still a muddle of emotions after their kiss, Tommy quickly walked on, finally reaching Matthew’s side and clumsily fitting the bag onto his back.

They ambled on in comfortable silence for a while, both their heads filled with separate thoughts, until Tommy looked up to the now raven black sky and halted his steps, wondrously throwing his head back, his hands resting on the straps of his bag on each side of his chest. Matthew sensed Tommy leave his side, and spun around in confusion, laughing affectionately when he saw Tommy. He slowly walked closer, eyes darkening as they admired the angles of Tommy’s face illuminated in the soft moonlight.

“I don’t get to see stars at home. Too many streetlamps and cars and city lights,” Tommy explained quietly, looking from each star to the next.

Matthew hummed in answer until he came to stand directly in front of Tommy, making him jump when he leant quickly over and pecked his exposed neck. Tommy looked down into Matthew’s smirking face with wide eyes, gasping when Matthew leant forward again, confidently but lightly brushing his lips up the side of Tommy’s neck again, pressing closer to his body with his hand in the centre of Tommy’s chest. He reached up to his ear, gently nipping his earlobe, making Tommy hiss under his breath and his hand spring up to the back of Matthew’s head, twisting slightly into the messy strands of hair.

“Stars are pretty,” Matthew whispered, kissing the sensitive skin right behind Tommy’s earlobe, and pressing most of his body against Tommy. “But you’re prettier, and...” he trailed off, his breath washing over Tommy’s now alight skin as he moved his lips to the top centre of his right collarbone. “And I really want to get home,” he finished on a rush of breath, leaving a final kiss on the edge of the bone before standing up to face Tommy, the suggestion dancing in the air between them like the sporadic and enchanting flickers of a fire.

Only a second later Tommy bent down and pressed his lips in one swift motion to Matthew’s, sealing his answer to Matthew’s implied question and smiling briefly into his lips before pulling away and walking on. Matthew smiled to himself before following, a rush of excitement and thrill swarming through him as he chased after the boy still glancing up at the infinity of the night sky.

~

When they finally reached the path leading up to Matthew’s front door, both of their hearts were already racing with anticipation, their breaths laboured from their quick steps in their haste to get home. As they stumbled up to the door, Matthew fumbling to extract his keys and fit them in the lock, Tommy bounced on his heels nervously behind Matthew, scanning his eyes across the sweet cottage in front of him, all the windows black. The click of the door opening jolted Tommy from his giddy and anxious thoughts, and he rushed to follow Matthew inside, stepping past him and dropping his bag, hesitating awkwardly in the dark hallway as he waited for Matthew to close the door.

Once Matthew had carelessly tossed his house keys to the side, he turned around and leant back against the door, jerking them into a sudden silence only filled by their heavy breaths. The darkness of the hallway left both boys in partial shadows, but Tommy could still see the gleam in Matthew’s eyes as he stood there watching Tommy. The walls seemed to close in as Tommy almost forgot how to breathe, the seconds agonizingly long as they passed, until finally Matthew shot forwards, grabbing the sides of Tommy’s face and clashing their open mouths together in an immediately heady kiss. The entire atmosphere changed, everything lurching into life, their hands a whirlwind of impatient movements as they grappled to touch one another, suddenly needing everything and more all at once. Blurry stars twinkled beneath his eyelids as Tommy gradually lost track of space and time.

~

“Hey, Traveller,” Matthew whispered as he looked down at the boy draped across him, cheek pressed against his chest and arm over his stomach. “Will you ever come back here?” He asked quietly as he ran his fingers lightly down Tommy’s exposed spine where the duvet didn’t cover him completely.

He felt Tommy’s lips move against his skin, pausing his gentle caresses until he heard Tommy giggle, smiling in relief. “Are you kidding?” Tommy laughed, flattening his palm across Matthew’s soft stomach.

Matthew gazed down at the back of Tommy’s head for a moment, and before he could stop himself, words he didn’t mean to say were slipping past his mouth and into the sleepy night air.

“I’d leave if I could.”

Tommy frowned, letting the confession settle around him for a second before hesitantly replying. “Weren’t you leaving today?”

Matthew sighed, slipping further down the mattress and making Tommy sit back off his chest as Matthew settled himself on his side. Tommy stayed awkwardly half-sat as he looked down at Matthew’s curled figure, unsure of what to do, until Matthew reached back, grabbing Tommy’s elbow and pulling him down. Slowly, Tommy positioned himself behind Matthew, bending his legs against Matthew’s and wrapping one arm around him. All of a sudden Matthew seemed small and vulnerable, and Tommy tentatively and curiously pressed a kiss to the back of his shoulder as he cradled him in his arms.

“I’m very happy I found you tonight,” Matthew whispered almost inaudibly into his pillow. But Tommy heard him, smiling as he closed his eyes and accepted his gradual drift into sleep.

~

Tommy awoke with his head nuzzled into the side of Matthew’s body, who was now lying flat on his back, peacefully asleep. His stomach swooped at the memory of last night and his encounter with this perfect stranger, and slowly lifting his body up he looked down fondly at the face of said man, more butterflies swarming in his chest at the sight. He considered the gentle softness of Matthew’s features while asleep for a moment longer before easing himself off the bed, swaying slightly on his feet as he came to standing. With a quick morning stretch, he set about finding his discarded clothes, swiping up his jeans and clumsily pulling them on as he shuffled out of the room. As he tip-toed quietly across the landing he took in his surroundings, observing the décor and pictures hung on the walls which had been hidden in darkness last night.

One picture in particular caught his eye, and stepping closer he realised it was a family photo, a black and white picture of a man and woman holding a child between their bodies. Tommy slowed his pace as he walked beside the rest of the line of pictures, watching the same family grow older and the same child get taller, and as he reached the fifth photo, he suddenly recognised the child to be Matthew. Swinging round on his heel, he looked around the hallway again, all of a sudden wondering why he hadn’t registered this as a family home before. Glancing back to the wall, he paused when he came to the end of the photos, the last one of the family showing only Matthew and his dad stood outside in a garden. Next to this was an empty space, the lines of dampness and dust revealing a square where a larger frame once hung, perhaps a mirror.

Tommy glanced around the landing for a final time, looking at each closed door beside Matthew’s, and hoping his parents had been out last night, turned and stepped downstairs, collecting the rest of his clothes on the way, and stifling a giddy laugh at the reminder of their actions last night. As he turned the corner into the downstairs hallway, he continued his slow observations of Matthew’s house, from the slightly dated and peeling wallpaper to the glimpse of the jumbled living room, blocked by the half closed door, to his side, until he finally reached the kitchen at the end. He stopped in the doorway as he took in the warm colours of the walls, with the fridge, oven and cupboards all to one side and a small table opposite, all the chairs tucked in. Making his way across in search of food, and the ingredients for coffee, as he had planned on making one for Matthew, he frowned when with each opened cupboard he revealed only small collections of food, all neatly lined up and pushed to the corners. Finally finding some teabags, a fine replacement for coffee, he set about making up two mugs of tea, humming quietly to himself as he waited for the kettle to boil. He distracted himself with the corkboard on the wall, looking across the wide and messy array of pinned fliers and notes and pamphlets. He was about to turn away as the kettle whistled when the numbers on the calendar made him frown.

Matthew was more than three months out. With an amused sigh, Tommy flipped the pages until he found the correct date, and was again about to leave it when he realised with a roll of his eyes that Matthew had not only neglected setting the right month, but had entirely the wrong year.

Silently shaking his head at Matthew’s clear lack of organisation, Tommy finished making the teas and started his journey upstairs, still smiling to himself as the sunlight began to filter in more through the windows, and the birds started chirping outside. Tommy wasn’t even thinking about when he was going to leave, because never before had he experienced something as strong and exhilarating as he had with Matthew last night. It was more than anything he could have imagined, and apart from the electric connection they’d shared between their bodies, Tommy already felt an inexplicable attachment to Matthew growing inside him. He knew these thoughts and feelings weren’t wise, that what they’d had could be little more than a one night stand, but when the unexpected arrives and the future is suddenly thrown into question, you can only roll with it, and Matthew was certainly unexpected. Now grinning, Tommy skipped up the last step, eager to greet Matthew and hear his voice and share his presence again.

“Matthew...?” Tommy questioned softly as he pushed the bedroom open with his hip. Matthew snuffled, rolling onto his side and curling his head into his chest. Tommy giggled under his breath, padding closer across the carpet and bending to gently place Matthew’s mug on his bedside stand. As he stood back up, wondering what to do next to try to wake Matthew from his slumber, he found himself looking around the room, catching sight of all the bright colours, memorabilia and stuffed toys sat on the windowsill that he had missed before. “Matthew,” he whispered again, drawing his voice out as he carefully sat down on the edge of the bed. He repeated his name once more in the same hushed tone, reaching over to gently run his thumb across Matthew’s pouty bottom lip, when finally Matthew stirred, moaning quietly and stretching out his legs. He made a murmured sound that almost resembled ‘1 more minute’ and nearly had Tommy laughing, before at last he fluttered open his eyes.

“Morning sunshine,” Tommy smiled in a teasing voice, grinning brightly at Matthew as he slowly lifted his head to meet Tommy’s eyes, expecting some sort of exasperated remark or groan of frustration. When Matthew frowned sleepily, furrowing his eyebrows, Tommy bought his tea casually to his lips, masking the flustered smile that was dancing around his mouth.

A few drawn out seconds later, Matthew’s eyes seemed to focus, and then they jolted wide. A flash of terror shot through them as he scrambled up against the headboard, frantically looking around to grab his glasses from the side table. Tommy’s heart panged in shock, and he quickly put down his tea, shuffling closer. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you...” he apologized awkwardly, cutting short when Matthew flinched further away from him, pressing himself against the wall.

“Ex-excuse me,” Matthew eventually stuttered, fumbling to get off the bed and gasping in horror when he realised he was naked. Tommy stood up sharply, lowering his eyes as Matthew dragged the cover around his body, eyes flicking across his bedroom floor and hurriedly picking up his discarded jeans as he stumbled towards the door. Tommy’s stomach fell to the floor, a sudden dread and fear grasping him as he replayed Matthew’s reaction over in his head and struggled to connect the dots. Then he heard Matthew’s scratchy voice calling out from the hallway and froze, his eyes locked disconnectedly to one of the toy bears on Matthew’s windowsill.

“Dad? Dad where are you? Where’s mum?”

Tentatively, Tommy stepped towards the landing as he listened to Matthew flinging open doors and pulling on his clothes, muttering words under his breath. “Matthew...?” He called cautiously, his voice feeble and weak as it left him. “Matthew, what’s wrong?”

He paused in the doorway, his hands gripping the edge of the wall as he watched Matthew’s body disappear downstairs. With a further sinking feeling, Tommy followed, reaching the stairs just in time to see Matthew flying out the front door. Now Tommy rushed down the stairs, falling outside as his eyes scanned around his surroundings in search of Matthew. He froze when he saw him knocking desperately at his neighbour’s house, about to run to his side when the door was opened and a worried looking woman appeared. “Matthew?” She greeted in concern as she wrapped her dressing gown further around her waist.

“Sorry for disturbing you this early Marion, but mum’s missing and dad’s not home either, and I was just wondering if you’d seen them,” Matthew explained in a rush, and Tommy didn’t miss the way he’d described his mum as ‘missing’ and his dad as just ‘not home’.

Marion made a hum of understanding, her face falling in a somewhat guarded and tired expression, yet still full of sadness and concern. But Tommy noticed how Matthew’s obvious panic did not translate to Marion, and instead she began to calmly reassure Matthew, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze.

“They left early to go see your grandma. Your father told me to tell you when you woke up, but looks like you beat me to it.” She laughed, yet there was no humour in her eyes and no smile on her lips. Then she carried on with her explanation, in a manner that almost seemed rehearsed, or regurgitated, as it reached Tommy’s ears. “She was calling for her in her sleep last night, so your father thought it’d be for the best.”

Tommy flicked his eyes back to Matthew, watching as his shoulders relaxed and he let out a relieved sigh, dropping his eyes to the floor. “Oh, okay.”

Marion squeezed his shoulder once more, regarding him quietly in what can only be described as a sense of despair, before she noticed Tommy standing by Matthew’s front door. Tommy tensed under her stare, waiting with wide, fearful eyes for some sort of reaction or hushed question to Matthew, but instead the corners of her mouth just turned down. She swallowed, still watching Tommy with glassy eyes as she began to speak.

“Oh, you met my niece then.” Matthew looked up and followed her eye line across to Tommy, a flash of remembrance crossing his face. He glanced back to Marion in surprise, about to speak when she continued, still staring at Tommy in a silent demand to stay quiet, which Tommy obeyed. “I said we’d make you breakfast but I guess he was just eager to meet you. Sorry if he gave you a fright.”

Tommy gawped at the lie, but quickly shut his mouth when Matthew looked back at him, eyes flicking across his body and slowly nodding. “Oh, sorry if I scared you too,” Matthew mumbled, and Tommy stood in utter bewilderment as Marion instructed Matthew to go freshen up in the shower, pushing him gently back towards his house. Tommy desperately tried to catch Matthew’s eye as he trampled over the grass back across to his front door, but he stayed watching the ground. Then Marion spoke again, grabbing Tommy’s attention just as Matthew brushed past him with a small ‘sorry’ and disappeared inside.

“Can I get you a drink?” She asked, nodding towards her house, her mouth set in a firm line. Her eyes held that same power, that same silent demand that had Tommy dazedly walking over and following her inside, his mind so mixed up that he felt as if he were about to faint.

~

Marion’s arms ached as she trudged down the hill to her house, shopping bags weighing her down in each hand and on each elbow. Her own shopping was on her left arm, the Johnson’s on her right, because neither Matthew nor his dad had been able to get the groceries this week. As she neared the steeper part of the road, slipping down into the valley where her house resided, she slowed her pace, carefully keeping her footing, not wanting a fall at her age. She jingled her keys around her finger, eager to get home after her weekend away with family, craving some quiet and an indulgent bath. But as she rounded the slow bend in the road, her ears pricked up at the cluster of unusual sounds.

There was an uneasy hum in the air as she neared her house, an undeniable tension. She could make out the murmurs of car engines, and the mutter of hushed voices, but it was only when her street began coming into sight that she registered the grim shadow in each distant word. Then she saw the edge of one car, dread filling her whole body as she realised her street was filled with police. She almost slowed to a stand-still as she took in the scene before her, her arms burning with pain as each handle from each bag dug into her skin.

Groups of police were gathered outside the Johnson’s house, a single ambulance parked on the opposite side of the street. Her eyes widened in horror at the lines of police tape and the men entering the house in full white body suits, until she sensed someone’s eyes on her, looking across to meet the steady gaze of one policeman. Soon she was being ushered to sit down on a chair one man plucked from the Johnson’s kitchen, someone slipping the bags from her arms and placing them down on the pavement. She felt light headed as she realised the reality of the situation around her, placing the cold back of her hand against her forehead as she looked between the kind man’s eyes.

“Where’s Matthew? And his dad? What’s happened?” She asked, her voice wavering.

The policeman crouched down before her, handing her a bottle of water and waiting for her to take a sip before speaking. Then he reached up to take an item handed to him by one of his co-workers. “I’ll let you read this first before we ask you a couple questions. This was printed this morning when the news hit.”

He placed the newspaper in Marion’s lap, slowly standing up after nodding to her once.

Marion took a breath before glancing to the paper, realising with a thud of her heart that the story was right on the front page, and immediately noticing the mentions of her beloved neighbours amongst the text. With another deep breath, she finally read across the headline, a hard lump rising in her throat as everything was explained.

 

“‘CALEFORD TRAIN DRIVER CRASHES TRAIN IN ACT OF SUICIDE AFTER BRUTAL MURDER’

Train driver of 20 years, Dalton Johnson, purposefully drives train off the track a few miles from the Caleford station in an act of suicide after suffocating his wife, Sara Johnson.

The 46 year old man, father of Matthew Johnson and husband of Sara, started the train at 2:00 AM last night, crashing it at approximately 2:05.

The well-known town resident grew up in Caleford with his parents Susan and Terry, returning to start his own family on Caleford Lane 6 years after leaving. His wife of 18 years suffered from clinical depression and agoraphobia, he and his son caring for her from home. Mrs Johnson’s doctors have stated that her condition had been getting progressively worse, her ability to leave her house virtually impossible and her mood swings turning more violent and unpredictable.

His son of 22 reportedly returned to his house just as authorities arrived, possibly after having chased or been with his father. He was seen exiting the house in a state of shock, presumably having witnessed his deceased mother, and fainted on the doorstep, hitting his head against a brick. He is currently being treated in hospital for post-traumatic stress disorder and any further brain damage.”

 

Marion dropped the paper to her side as tears began blurring her eyes, clasping her hand over her mouth as she started to sob.

~

Tommy’s fingers clenched on each side of the 2 year old newspaper as he finished reading, barely holding back from crying as tears pricked at his eyes. Just as he swallowed against the dryness in his throat, Marion reached across the table and slipped a comforting hand over Tommy’s knuckle, catching him just before he accidentally tore the paper.

“I-“Tommy started, but trailed off when he realised he had nothing to say. A sombre mood fell around them, both their eyes downcast and their brains whirring with imagined pictures of that fateful night. The kitchen clock ticked on as Tommy blinked the real memories of Matthew from his eyes; his curious face at the station, his teasing smile, his bashful expressions, his little intake of breath each time before he kissed him. And in each picture he now saw his dark past, his pain, his secrets and years of burden.

Sniffing, Tommy looked up to Marion, catching the swirl of desolate sadness in her eyes. “But...what happened this morning? Why did you lie?”

Tommy tried to keep a hold of his small glimmer of hope as he finished his questions, but somehow he already innately knew that Matthew wasn’t right, that any dreams he’d had of carrying on their wild romance would no longer happen.

Marion smiled sadly, removing her hand from Tommy’s and twisting her fingers together on the table in front of her. Her fingers twitched slightly as she dragged up the painful truth, clenching her jaw before speaking.

“Matthew had seen her,” Marion stated coldly, and Tommy shakily exhaled at the idea as Marion’s eyes bored into his own with the raw truth. “He’d seen her...lying there...and he’d watched her for years beforehand disintegrating into a stranger. He’d been by her side day in and day out, barely living his own life, because he couldn’t. His father was out in the daytime at work, and when he’d return, Matthew would hide in his bedroom, never knowing whether he’d fall asleep to a tense silence or screams of anger. After that night...I guess his brain switched off. It didn’t want to know anymore. He...he blocked out the memory of that night, and after a few days it became apparent that he was trapped. ‘Anterograde amnesia’ is what the doctors called it; the loss of the ability to create new memories, to recall the recent past. He forgets each day the morning after, goes back to being the Matthew the day before everything happened those two years ago. It’s...it’s an unbreakable cycle, and even though people have recovered before....I don’t see Matthew recovering. If anything, he might...he might lose his memory completely.”

Tommy looked away from Marion, his lip trembling as he tried to hold himself together, tried to accept the truth. But it all seemed so unreal. Marion sighed, her own breath shaky as she reached across, grabbing Tommy’s hands in her own.

“He’s okay. He’s not in pain. I tell him every morning that his parents are away, and then he’s free. He’s free of his mother’s burden, his father’s homophobia and anger, his responsibilities, and can live his day as he please. He has friends who know about him, who treat him like nothing’s changed. He has a whole town caring for him, even though he still sees it as a trap. Did...did you meet him at the train station?”

Tommy nodded, biting down hard on his lip. Marion tilted her head, shaking it knowingly.

“He often goes there. He always did. He told me once...when he was younger...about his crazy plan to run away. To catch that 5 O’clock train and just go wherever it took him. He never went through with it though. And that station is abandoned now.”

Tommy let out his breath as it started to burn his lungs after unknowingly holding it. He collapsed his head on the table, shaking it in disbelief against the solid wood. Marion continued to rub soothing circles into his hands, but it made him feel like he were spinning, his entire night thrown into a new light, a new perspective, the ticking of the clock a monotonous and endless loop as time passed. After an unknown amount of minutes, Tommy slowly lifted his head, facing Marion again, her eyes cast down to the table cloth, clearly lost in her head.

“Where does Matthew go from here?” Tommy asked in a tiny, scratchy voice.

Marion’s eyes clouded over, dragging up to meet Tommy’s with an expression that answered Tommy’s question without any words.

“I don’t know. He’ll age, and it’ll get harder. But he’ll live. He’ll always live.”

~

Matthew tentatively pushed at the door to the living room, slowing stepping into the dim light. His eyes were fixed on the back of the brown armchair sat before the window as he closed the door behind him, trying to be as quiet as possible. He could see her feet swinging rhythmically from where she was sat in the chair, but swallowing his nerves, he edged closer, knowing she was counting his footsteps like she always did.

“...5,” she breathed out as Matthew came to stand beside her chair, an arm’s length away. Matthew examined her face cautiously before speaking, the lines of exhaustion dragging at her skin, ageing her far beyond her years. Her eyes were sharp this afternoon, keeping Matthew on edge as they focused like daggers on everything they touched. At the moment her stare was directed out the window, at the rustling leaves of the hedges. There was a tension in her body as she watched the wind whip through the street that made Matthew’s feet shift slightly further back, but as her body stayed rigid in its position, Matthew took a breath, breaking the muffled silence.

“Can I get you another drink?”

Sara’s mouth twitched, and Matthew clenched his hands together as he watched every detail of her reaction, waiting to act. A slow smile spread across her face, at first somewhat thankful, loving, until she laughed inside her throat, her lips kept in a tight smile that now seemed blank, sarcastic.

“No, dear,” she answered through her teeth, her eyes bright like the street outside was on fire.

Matthew nodded, quickly gathering her previous teacup and plate up from the small table by her side. As he stood up, gratefully observing the empty plate and cup, he paused when he noticed only the fork left on the plate. Dread sinking in his stomach, he traced his eyes over to his mother’s hands, holding his breath when he saw the knife gripped tightly in her left fist.

“Sara,” Matthew said in his rehearsed voice of calm, sensing the beginning of a mood swing before it broke. Her fist tightened, and once more pushing down his fear, Matthew stepped around to the front of her chair, slowly crouching down before her with his hands outstretched to show her he meant no harm. Her eyes quickly latched onto his as he blocked her view, following him as he lowered to her level.

“It’s okay,” he whispered as she bored her eyes into his, her other hand clawing at the already tattered material of the chair. “It’s okay,” he repeated as he slowly reached forward, keeping his eyes on her as he gently hovered his hand near her fist holding the knife. “You’re fine,” he whispered even quieter as he lowered his palm to her hand, melting his warmth into the coldness of her skin.

“You’re fine,” he whispered again, almost simply breathed, just barely nodding his head in reassurance as he finally saw Sara’s jaw relax, her lips slightly part and her eyes soften. In the fraction of a second that she relaxed her fist and let Matthew take the knife, Matthew saw a glimpse of his mother, a flash of the warm, loving face he half remembered looking back at him as he curled up in her arms as a child. But then it was gone, the slow smile slipping back across her face as Matthew withdrew the knife behind his back and stood up. With small, careful steps he walked away, keeping watch on Sara, on her thick sleeves and matted hair, the entire time. However she didn’t move, and with a silent sigh of relief, Matthew left her line of vision and crossed the room to the door. But just as he reached it he heard her voice ripple throughout the room, her words low and holding a sense of challenge.

“Why don’t you just let me die?”

Matthew hesitated, but then silently exited and closed the door behind him, pretending he hadn’t heard.

Later that night Matthew’s dad returned from work, meeting him in the kitchen and scraping back the chair opposite the one Matthew had been sat in most of the day as he collapsed down with a tired huff of air. Matthew nervously looked up at him, and seconds later his dad nodded, a grim expression casting over his face. Matthew stood up, awkwardly clearing his throat as he quietly but quickly left the kitchen and out the front door. With the slam of the door behind him and the crunch of gravel under his feet, Matthew immediately relaxed, throwing his head back and filling his lungs with fresh, clean air. Then he walked on, no destination or direction in mind, since all his friends were busy, striding away from his house with long steps and avoiding the space in front of his living room window.

As he walked on, happily melting into the darkening night, it soon became apparent where his body was taking him, and once he found himself back on the familiar station platform, that same rush of excitement and thrill swept through him at the very prospect of leaving. He glanced up to the station clock, his heartbeat quickening as the seconds ticked by and neared that one number, that one number that filled Matthew with hope, with a sense of freedom.

Then the black line pointed to 5, and the carriage of the train filled the station, and Matthew lurched forward in longing. The doors opened and closed. A couple people left and shuffled past him. The train puffed and Matthew took a breath and then it was driving off.

Matthew stared at the point of the railway where the train had vanished until his head began to ache, and he could hear his mother’s scream in the random screech of a car, and could feel the tugs of his responsibilities pulling him back. As he left the station he kept his eyes on his feet, not wanting to see himself arrive back home.

~

Feeling as if his chest was caving in, Tommy gave Marion’s hand one final squeeze before parting ways, slowly walking back across to Matthew’s house and feeling Marion’s eyes linger on his back before she softly shut her door. He felt deflated, his feet dragging across the ground as he came to a stop on Matthew’s doorstep, squeezing his eyes at the memory of his excited feet bouncing there only last night. He didn’t know what he was going to say or do as he raised his hand to knock on the door, only knowing that he wanted to see Matthew again, if for the last time.

As he let his arm drop back to his side and waited, he felt time stretch out as if it were endless, childishly wishing he could draw Matthew into his arms and make him feel this infinity that he was deprived of. He let his mind wander to remember the touch of Matthew’s hands over his skin, the longing and desperation in each of his movements that now seemed so obvious and so clearly showed how Matthew wanted to escape, if only to escape for one night in one stranger’s arms. It were like a sudden glass screen had arrested itself between them, where Tommy could see in to Matthew but Matthew was stuck behind his own reflection. They were like straight tracks of a railway, only crossing once, never to meet again.

Matthew’s eyes blinked up at Tommy as he opened the door, and Tommy gulped back the new thought of how they were like a darker shade of forget-me-not blue. That same electric and tense energy pulsed between them as they got caught up in one another’s presence, Matthew’s eyes curiously flitting across Tommy’s face, oblivious to the fact that he’d seen that same lost and admiring look in Tommy’s eyes before.

“Hi,” he smiled around a breath, tilting his head. “I’ve not seen you before, have I?”

Tommy froze, feeling his composure begin to shatter. He shook his head, screaming inside as he spoke. “No...Why?”

Tommy knew Matthew’s next words before he even said them, and at the same time he wished he could turn back time, wanted to hear Matthew’s answer, he wished he’d never gone to that station, and wanted to tune out entirely as if the reality of Matthew’s answer didn’t exist.

Matthew regarded Tommy with that same teasing smile, unaware of Tommy’s heart breaking.

“I’d have remembered you, that’s all.”

Author's Note

feel free to literally give me feedback on ANYTHING