Not Cool

Travis and Sebastian were sitting in the car, watching the house at the end of the street. Travis felt sleepy and dull. It was the third week already spying on this fellow and he still hasn’t given them a single reason to carry on.

“Come on, just screw her and let us go home.” Travis mumbled under his breath.

Sebastian chuckled at his partner’s remark and pointed at the white house, covered with warm tones casted by the setting sun.

“You should thank him. Seventeen days just following him around and doing no real police job. That Danny boy is my hero.”

“I have better things to do, to be honest.”

“Like what?”

“Like hobbies and stuff.”

“Being sad and miserable isn’t a hobby. Although you’re getting superb at it, I’ll give you that.” He cheered Travis with his coffee mug and reattached his gaze back to the Daniel’s house.

Travis was about to start an aimless argument, but an old red Ford passed by them and parked in front of the house that both men kept an eye on. Sebastian opened his window on the driver’s side and they heard the engine being turned off. The coffee mug was lifted up once again, only this time it commanded Travis to prepare the camera.

“I feel like a jealous teenage drama queen.”

“You kind of are one.”

“Not now.”

Travis zoomed in and took a picture of the person sitting inside of the car. It was a woman, a little bit older then both of them, but well-aged and obviously prepared to see someone. Both Sebastian and Travis knew this lady and they saw at once that she was not in her casual mode. Margaret stepped out of the car, pressed her red lips together, like women do when they wear lipstick, Travis figured, and touched her brown wavy hair, putting them behind her shoulders, revealing a nice summer dress. Her skin was brown, giving a nice healthy impression. She locked the car and made her way to the front door. Surprising the police officers, she didn’t knock, instead, she reached out her hand with a key in it and unlocked the door.

“She has the key?!”

“This isn’t their first meeting.”

“We were tracking down Daniel for weeks, searching for any signs that he came back to the city to see Margaret, we were everywhere, dude, everywhere with him. We watched him in his office from the skyscraper in front of his windows, we ate lunch at those gross hot dog stands in the city while he was eating in fancy restaurants with his colleagues, we listened to his phone calls, dig in his trash looking for some notes about her, sat in the nearby stall while that disgusting animal was destroying the toilet, for God’s sake, I can name all of his favourite TV series characters without stuttering for a second. We were pretending like it was some freaking 80s here and all this time she had the key to his house!”

Sebastian was so angry about this fact as if it was his wife and not his boss’s, who came to her old lover’s house to meet him.

“Shall we call him?” Travis asked.

“I don’t know. Danny boy is still in the traffic jam, ten miles away.” He showed a picture, send to him by one of the other officers. It was ridiculous how much effort the chief put into this sad game, instead of just confronting his wife.

“Chief sent us here, he said he had a feeling they will meet tonight.”

“They still haven’t met.”

“Therefore, we will wait with our report. This is not a regular case.”

By that Sebastian meant that it was their chief’s wife they were talking about. The wife of a man they not only worked with, but were friends with. If not care then respect came in the way of making a pre-timed assumptions. Assuming they were about to break his heart, they would better have some facts first. Travis put down the camera and poured himself some coffee as well. His partner broke the silence:

“So what hobbies?”

“Hm?” Travis lifted his left eyebrow while sipping on his drink and burning his lips.

“Elia?” Sebastian was still looking at the house, all of the windows were dark. They couldn’t get near the house, because there was no garden, only flat grass in front of the building, which was separated from the world by a small wooden fence, offering no disguise. Also, there was no back yard to try to sneak in from behind. Now they could only wait for either Margaret or Daniel to show up.

“It’s always going to be her.”

“Don’t exaggerate. You’re a nice guy, you’ll find someone like her.”

“I wish nothing, but the best for her too.”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head. He liked his partner, he really did.

“Instead of listening to your songs, you could learn something from them.”

“I do learn a lot from them. It’s just sad that girls nowadays don’t look for a guy that will never give them up, never gonna let them down, never gonna run around and dese...”

“You’re unbelievable. Travis, you look miserable, you need some distractions. Let’s go to a bar tonight, we’ll meet some new people, have some…”

“You have a date with Ann.”

“Damn it. Tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about me, enjoy life. At least one of us has to get the girl, remember? When you get rejected, seconds later my girlfriend breaks up with me. I set a date on Thursday, you meet a nice girl on Wednesday and set a date on Thursday without knowing anything about mine. One of us finds the One, the other immediately finds his as well. Therefore, if you get lucky, by the end of the week I will be in a relationship. Our love lives are linked, you have to do something for the team. One job!”

“There is no ‘the One’.” Sebastian said quietly.

Travis turned to him for the first time this evening.

“Did something happen between you and Ann?”

“No, no, everything’s great. Or okey. I don’t know, it could be better, but I’m getting there. That was not what I meant by it. That illusion that people have, that there is only one perfect partner for them out there is bullshit. There are hundreds and hundreds of people all over the world that could absolutely blow you away with their creativity, wit and love. And you could adore every single one of them as much as you could adore any other of them. It’s just that you meet this one specific person at a very specific time, when you need some change in your life, and you are sure that no one could ever be better at playing this life changing role for you. And even if the person has some flaws, you grab their hand, close your eyes and follow them blindly till you don’t care about the rest of the world anymore.”

There was a long pause after this. A few cars were passing by and two friends watched them in silence, hoping and fearing that it was Daniel. Neither of them wanted to deliver bad news. It wasn’t him, both of the cars passed by and turned right at the next street corner.

“Did you start to read more?” Travis mocked.

“I did, actually. Ann loves books.” He said and regretted it at once.

Travis was in no mood for further mockery. He was happy for Sebastian and would love to read books for the sake of Elia as well. At least he still had his childish playful side:

“Teach me, sensei! Teach me how to get the girl!”

“I’m no sensei, stop calling me that. I’m only eight years older than you.”

“Master?”

“More like Master of Disaster.” Both of them laughed.  

“So you will leave me clueless and naïve for the horrors of this world to tear me apart? Not cool.”

“I could try to set you up with someone.”

“That’s cool.”

“Please don’t be mad, but if you really want that, I’m going to ask you to be more realistic.”

“What do you mean?” Travis grabbed the camera once again in order to look prepared if something happened, but really pretending to be busy was a reflex to show that the criticism didn’t affect him as much as it really did.

“You have to admit that in a realistic relationship only one part entirely wants the relationship. The other half is more or less just willing to see what this will lead to. And it is perfectly normal. It is very rare that both people want it just as much as the other.”

Travis played with the camera on his lap. He understood that perfectly, but it still put him down how bitter this world was.

“Are you the one who wants the relationship or the one going along with Ann?”

“As you simply put it earlier " our love lives are linked. So of course, I’m the one wanting it. I guess I have to thank you for this mess, don’t I?” Sebastian chuckled.

“Don’t complain. Isn’t it nice to know for the first time that this is exactly what you want and what you are supposed to do and not to only play along?”

“Big words for a single person.”

“Not cool.”

“Of course it is! If one day she will love me as half as much as I love her, everything will be amazing.”

It was too relatable for Travis to add anything to it. It was already 9PM, a warm June evening. A young couple walked down the alley and passed the white house. Both partners felt a wave of passive aggression and longing rushing through the veins. There was still no sign of Daniel, but the window in the living room went bright. They saw Margaret standing in the middle of the room, reading a magazine and drinking tea. Travis made a couple of pictures. Out of nowhere the doors at the back of the car were opened and Sebastian with his partner turned around in shock only to see their sweating and destressed chief.

“Report!” He commanded.

“Daniel is still away, Mrs. Torrel arrived at 8.45PM and walked into the house by using a key. After that she made her a cup of tea and read a magazine.” Sebastian talked while turning back to the house.

“Show me the pictures!” Roy commanded once again and reached to Travis.

While Sebastian was making sure that they wouldn’t miss Margaret or Daniel, Travis observed Roy desperately clicking the buttons on the camera. His black hair was standing up instead of a regular neat cut, the tie knot moved down to his chest, eyes wild and unsettling, wanting to see the proof of the unfaithfulness of his wife, but fearing it at the same time. Travis knew Mr. Torrel for five years now, this was the worst that he has ever seen. Not even the hostage situation in December, the massive car accident involving his friend’s family and not even the suicide terror attempt didn’t make his tie knot to go that low. All it took was an idea that his wife was having fun with her old high school sweetheart. An idea of being left out and being the second choice. The holy stupidity of a man’s pride. And then it hit Travis:

“Sir, how did you meet Mrs. Torrel?”

Sebastian shot a quick look at his mad friend and said his goodbyes in his mind. But Roy was too involved into his own drama to recognize the inappropriate question of a simple officer and started to shed his love story:

“We met fifteen years ago at a restaurant, our friend Josh was celebrating his birthday and so it happened that we were sat next to each other. We were talking the whole evening, ‘fun lady’ I thought to myself, I remember. I thought that it was it, she wasn’t really my type, she was too chatty and too idealistic, but then just before leaving she gave me her number and invited me over for a dinner. That’s how it all started.” A few clicking noises followed his voice. He stopped at the picture of her in the living room. “And now we are here.” The last sentence was just a whisper, but everyone heard it.

Roy was now going through all the photos of Daniel, which he saw for thousands of times before. Sebastian and Travis were now watching the house, but both of them were thinking the exact same thing - Roy was the one going along. And after so many years he got addicted to the idea of being loved and adored by Margaret that every threat to it made him go crazy. He loved her, both of them knew it and this fact gave them hope that one day they will be loved as well.

“He’s coming.” Sebastian reported.

A black car came from behind, drove pass them and stopped just behind the Margaret’s Ford. Travis felt how the whole back of the car tensed. If a butterfly flew into the car, it would die from the electricity in the air.

“Not cool.” Mr. Torrel spoke.

Sebastian gave Travis a disapproving look. He was spreading his useless catchphrases in a too big radius. Travis felt nothing but pride. Roy couldn’t care less about the two police officers in the front seats now. His eyes were locked on Daniel, he was ready to shoot him from here if he decided to take a further step towards his wife. But Daniel just stood in front of his house and looked through the window of the living room. Travis reclaimed his camera and was now taking pictures of him. Through the lens he saw something in his face what he couldn’t decode, but others seemed to see right through him.

“He doesn’t want it anymore.” Roy spoke with a relief. And then the car tensed once again. Roy felt offended by that and Travis admired his idiocrasy.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Sebastian asked.

Mr. Torrel was not sure if he should. And as any other time in a similar situation, he decided to do it, instead of regretting it for the rest of his life. He opened the car door.

“You need any backup?”

“Stay where you are.”

Roy stepped out of the car and closed the door. In a slow pace he walked to the house, where Daniel was standing still. At first he didn’t recognize Roy’s face, but then fear crossed his own. By that time Sebastian already drove near enough that they could hear the conversation through the open windows. Roy raised his right hand, calming Daniel down. Mr. Torrel was a man, making a heart stopping impression. His enormous posture, big hands able to break a neck without any trouble and blank face didn’t suggest a friendly conversation. He put both of his hands into his pockets and looked at Daniel. It was a clear message that he didn’t want a chitchat, but information. Daniel was clever enough to get it:

“I have some troubles with some of my partners. They are stealing money and are blackmailing me, so that I would keep my mouth shut. I knew that Margaret was married to the police chief and I thought that she might help me, by bringing me straight to you. I asked Natalie to tell her about the situation and to ask her to meet me at my house, I thought it would be the safest. Natalie gave her the key.”

“Who’s Natalie?” Travis asked his partner.

“Her best friend.”

“So why didn’t you go inside?” Roy pointed to the house with his head.

Daniel let out a long sight and then covered his face with his hands.

“It’s not right. She’s a married woman now, I cannot expect her to help me only for the sake of our old times. Only because I loved her once. Only because she feels guilty because she has never loved me.”

“Ohhh, damn.” Sebastian said quietly.

Both of the partners saw how chief’s ego grew by an inch. He took out a piece of paper from his pocket and wrote something down. Then he gave it to Daniel and before he started to thank him, Roy cut him off:

“Now get out of here.”

Daniel blinked a few times and then pointed at the house.

“But I live here!”

“Come back in an hour, I need to talk to my wife.” Mr. Torrel commanded with his typical chief’s voice that Sebastian and Travis knew too well.

Frightened and stressed Daniel sprinted to his car and started the engine. Chief turned his head to the police officers and said it with a kinder voice:

“You’re free for the night.”

“How will you get home?”

“None of your business. I’ll see you tomorrow in my office.” Roy said and turned to the house without waiting for their response.

Sebastian drove off and caught up with Daniel’s car. It felt weird not having to hide or spy him anymore. Travis got his camera and gave his partner a smile.

“Get to the left lane, let’s have some fun with this poor fellow.”

At the next traffic light Sebastian stood right next to Daniel’s car. Travis opened his window and yelled:

“Hey, Danny boy!”

Daniel looked to his left and recognized the dream team at once. His eyes turned to the size of two satellites.

“Perfect, smile for me baby!” Travis shouted and made one last picture.

Green turned on and Sebastian drove off, both of them laughing out loud. Sebastian honoured his partner by saying:

“That was cool.”

Travis turned his camera to his partner and took a photo.

“I want to have a memory of this moment for the rest of my life.”

“Where shall I drop you out? I have to see Ann in 30 minutes.”

“You know where the old cinema is?”

Sebastian didn’t answer for a second. He knew perfectly where it was, it was his city after all. But he knew that Elia works there in the evenings. And he didn’t want to deal with his depressed partner tomorrow. It is very possible that he will need emotional, or as both of them preferred, tech support.

“Are you sure?”

“We both know me, I never give up. And since I am the one wanting this relationship, I feel obligated to carry on. If Margaret managed to get Mr. Torrel, nothing is impossible. And since you are dating Ann, I feel the need to do something as well, such is the prophecy. I cannot trust universe anymore.”

Sebastian suddenly stopped the car.

“What are you doing? We still need to go straight and then turn right at the next street.”

“You can’t show up in a cinema in your uniform without an indicator that you are only an idiot, who is helplessly in love.” Sebastian said and pointed at a flower shop.

“If I’m helplessly in love and she helps me, does that turn her into the love police?”

“You disgust me with your puns. Now buy some flowers.”

“Any suggestions?” Travis asked while stepping out. The weather was still nice and warm.

“Red roses?”

“Too cliché.”

“White?”

“Don’t be so racist.”

“Just ask the lady who’s working there, she will lead you towards the light.”

Travis looked at his partner.

“I’ll walk from here. Go get Ann.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“I wish you all of the luck, my favourite hopeless student.”

“I’ll make you proud, sensei.”

“I’m already proud of you.” Sebastian said and after waving at Travis he drove off.

Travis looked at the car getting lost in the traffic of the city. That was cool of him to say that. He bought some peonies, he knew those were her favourite flowers, and headed off to get Elia’s heart. Somehow the situation felt very familiar. Out of reflex he started to comment his own life:

“Not…” But then he cut himself off and stared at the flowers. “Let’s make it cool.”

Reviews

[JayG]

• Travis and Sebastian were sitting in the car, watching the house at the end of the street.

You've worked hard on this, and put a lot of yourself into it, so I am not going to make you happy, I'm afraid. But keep in mind that what I'm about to say has nothing to do with your talent and potential. It's about the learned part of writing fiction for the page.

This line pretty well encapsulates the primary problem holding you back. In it, you, the storyteller, are explaining the situation in exactly the same way you would write a report—fact based and author-centric. It's how we're taught to write in our school days. But they're not teaching is how to entertain a reader because only fiction writers need to do that. They're teaching us what we need to know on the job: how to create reports, write essays and letters, and all the other nonfiction applications.

So as the story progresses the reader knows of the events. And you explain their meaning and importance. But there is nothing of the character's view of what's happening. We don't know how they view what's happening. In other words, data but not humanity.

When you present:

“Come on, just screw her and let us go home.” Travis mumbled under his breath.

We know what happened, but given that we don't know who they're talking about, who "her" is, why they're there, or anything that's driving their behavior, it's just a report of what was said and how it was spoken.

But we don't know who Travis and Sebastian are, why they're following "this fellow" or who he is. So while we KNOW, we have no reason to FEEL. But we don't read fiction not to learn the details, we read it to be entertained.

Never lose sight of the fact that the reader has no way of knowing how you would speak the story. And that's critical.

Take my favorite example, "Jack, you truly are a b*****d." How did you read it? As high praise? It could easily be that. It could just as easily be deadly insult, or anything between the two. Or, it also might be a doctor giving a DNA report. From a reader's perspective, knowing which is is, AS WE READ THE WORDS, is critically important to a reader's appreciation.

Were we together, you would know my meaning by how I spoke the words, both through tone and expression, gesture, and body language. But on the page? The printed word cannot reproduce any of them. And while you can, with a tag, tell me how a character spoke a given line of dialog, you cannot tell me how to speak the narrator's words. So you cannnot, cannot, cannot use storytelling techniques when writing fiction unless you are going to read it TO the audience.

Were this a film, and the reader viewing/hearing the events you describe, a huge amount of data on the setting, and the people in it, including dress and fleeting expressions the actor trained for years to master, would come between two eyeblinks, and add richness to the story. But learning that people laugh carries not a fraction of the emotional content that listening to the laugh would give us.

In short: you're telling when you could, and should, be showing. And you have a lot of company in doing that because over 95% of hopeful writers suffer the same problem, simply because no one told us, during our school years, that the writing we learned was for business, and that the profession of fiction writer requires a very different approach and tools. Where nonfiction is fact-based and author-centric—designed to inform, fiction is emotion-based and character-centric, and its goal is to entertain the reader by giving THEM an emotional experience.

in a romance our goal isn't to make the reader know the protagonist has fallen in love, it's to make the reader fall in love, for the same reason, and in parallel with the protagonist. And no way in hell can our school-day writing skills handle that job.

So the solution is simple, though not easy. It's simple because all you need do is acquire the necessary writing tricks-of-the-trade. Not easy, though, because it does take time and practice to perfect any new skill. And of more importance, your present writing skills have been practiced to the point where they're automatic, and feel intuitive. So convincing them to ignore what they see as "doing it wrong" may be one of the harder things you will try in your life. But when you do have things under control you'll wonder why you didn't see something so obvious.

So keep writing, of course. it keeps us off the streets at night. And, it's fun. But at the same time place some time aside to acquire the skills the pros take for granted.

One thing that might help is to poke around in the writing articles in my writing blog. They're written with the newer writer in mind. And they're based on the words of some pretty high powered and respected teachers. In fact, my suggestion, aside from reading several books on writing technique to get a feel for what matters, is to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It's the best I've found to date.

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/