Letter

A Story by bridgette

Diary type entry, of organic feelings and thoughts and interactions with someone I care about much.

James,

I wish I was less attracted to you - it is torture. I want to do a lot with you. I think kissing you was foolish, but I am so grateful for our friendship. It has been many months since that night you pulled me into your room, lit a candle, and I too eagerly loved you.

I think karma had it that the consequences of that act would result in angry guests at your house, and infinite repercussions and judgement from our friends.

Your forgiving heart, I am grateful for. I often wish we met in another life, and circumstance would allow us to work out, and I hadn’t loved your best friend first. I need to respect Tyler, even though I am certain he looks lowly upon me now. Life is about growth, and I am trying to be better.

It is wrong to touch a friend, and it is wrong for me to touch Tyler’s friends, and that is why I can’t be with you, even though I want to so very badly.

Thank you for being my favorite neighbor, drunken buddy, and for endlessly taking care of me. Thank you for helping me climb onto roofs with you and for catching me every time I get down. Thank you for forgiving me, and for making me feel less unstable. Thank you for your caring eyes and strong arms and enduring ears.

God, I wish we met under another sun. I’d love to explore loving you.

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James - I concluded that night as a terrifying, embarrassing, forbidden memory locked away in a darker and more intimate region of my mind. I rarely mentioned it to you �" or anyone. It was a taboo, we decided to place in the closet filled with scandalous skeletons.

Although we must have not forgotten feelings, for we fell into each others arms too often and I would awake to you holding me tightly, on your brown leather couch. Your face a bizarre paradox of peaceful and drugged �" happy to hold me or happy to have had so many beers.

One night we both drank a bit more than we should have �" especially you. You stumbled all over Westridge, and I followed. I had to make sure you were okay. You weren’t making much sense. You kept trying to climb on roofs and have me climb with you. I walked you home because I was nervous you wouldn’t make it there other wise. You were so tall and it was difficult keeping you walking in the right direction. My roommates were amused by you but I needed to get you home.

We finally arrived at your doorstep as the moon was already falling. Jeremiah was drunk on your couch �" our usual sanctuary. There was this small window in time, you see, which allowed us to be something more than friends. Something more than neighbors who exchanged sheepish smiles, without guilt, and had scape goats to place blame �" rolling rocks and hormones and moonlight.

But our sanctuary was taken and it made me a bit sad but going to your room was taking a step too far. You said we would just cuddle and nothing more so I took your hand and fell asleep in your arms, on your s****y mattress on the floor. Your hair always smelled so good. You kept nudging my chin up �" I kept looking down. You were relentless and I was melting and our lips met. Your beard was scruffy but your kisses were sweet and we were feeling wild. Clothes started coming off but you knew I had never done it before. It all felt so good. I told you no and we fell asleep in a heated chapter of foreplay.

I woke up to the sun blanketing your room and exposing all the sins that took place. You were holding me tight, still fast asleep. I threw on my clothes and ran home. I was exhausted and mortified.

You came over a few hours later and I think that meant you cared. We didn’t talk about that night for awhile �" but you invited me over a lot, to watch movies and drink and talk and our cuddles became more frequent. I started sleeping deeper when you were around. God - I think you started falling for me. I think I started falling for you.

On the morning of my 22nd birthday we finally did it �" you popped the cherry or fucked me or made love to me, whatever you fancy. It didn’t feel too good �" I think I was too nervous and you were too experienced. Just one sweaty body on another and lots of noises and it all kinda hurt. You held me after though and made sure I was okay and God you were so kind.

James �" you are my friend regardless and that is why saying goodbye to you was so terribly hard. I loved our summer of wild experimenting. I miss you holding me late at night, and stroking my cheek when I would awake from a bad dream. What really makes this entire situation terribly s****y is that I also miss eating tacos with you, cooking breakfast, climbing roofs, arguing about politics and religion, discussing scientific articles, debating ridiculous scenarios, singing wonder wall, getting drunk with Alex, practicing headstands, finding scooters, making fun of obi, planning events, floating down rivers, swimming in the ocean, walking the dog, jumping the car, and everything in between.

You were my best friend and lover and f**k it I miss you and this truly isn’t fair.

I’m not sure what to feel. I’m not sure what to do.