Nothing Arrived

you trace with ink 

onto blank page

your sock-toes entwined 

you speak of your art & the future

you speak of confidence 

as if it is something you long to hold in open palm 

malleable 

dampened 

to be molded 

you speak of your own androgyny 

as ambiguity 

which you began to commodify 

over years 

shedding societal ideals of 

"beauty" 

perhaps held within your once long locks

within butterflied-lashes 

to me, the thin frames of your glasses 

trace the perfect girlishness of your eyes 

I know you do not notice this 

something in your eagerness threatens to crumple me 

open me up

for how jaded I have become 

about those around me 

about romance 

humanity moves in compulsions 

we tally our rejections 

as if my personal failures are all banked against me

they shape me contrarily 

I don't get my desire met 

why do I feel I am less of myself now?

missed opportunities must be 

stealing from me 

yet you don't seem to be neck & neck with your own lack 

you make me feel outdated 

in the way you are almost childlike 

in the way you are exquisite

in the way that only a child can truly 

be.