Reflective Surfaces

This angsty little number hit me on a walk I took. The words came so fast I had to text them to my email so I wouldn't forget. I'm not going to say what it's about, but you can feel free to guess :)

There's a growing desperation that I struggle to suppress

A transformation in the lens that I cannot quite digest.

There's boulders in my cheeks, the tire tracks would stretch so far,

My ribbon cut from vanity just isn't up to par.

I paint my face with apathy; the lightest sheen of sweat

This is my made up make-up that I use to hide regret.

I'm suffering withdrawals over who I'll never be,

Wish I could get the sidewalk to fall in love with me.

There's a blue house and a photo, but she made a dire mistake

The comment he delivered had not been her's to take.

There's ivy in my window that I will never touch,

I'll never be the same, I simply crave too much.

I feel so bruised and buoyant, I only take back lanes

There's anger on my skin that burns in bitter shame.

My breathing becomes laboured, I stare only at the wall,

The mirror always cuts me, imperfection's on recall.

Reviews

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This was a whirlwind of emotion. I see that you are skilled at writing violent pieces. Your emotions pound the reader into submission and force them to see the world from your eyes. You never let up. This intensity you bring is so powerful that the meanings of your words can get lost in the shock and awe of it all. I like how you make us exercise our brain muscle. This poem is sad. It's painful to see a person so disappointed in them self. Normally the reader would want to swoop in and save them, but you write with an empathy that causes the reader to feel what you write. I became a part of this poem as I read it. I had no choice but to see it from your point of view. You have such a strong way of communicating that you don't even need imagery. That is a rare skill. I feel honored to have read your work.

[Tate Morgan]

Loved this you truly have talent and it shows Ilove rhymeing poetry and you weave a tale

[Arthur Henn]

A treasure of written emotions shared by the warmth of your heart. I like what you wrote and can understand all that you have written.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us Alana

[the_stoic]

this write really picked up the pace towards the end .. feelings of self apathy are difficult to express in words but you have done that quite well . my fav. lines

"I'm suffering withdrawals over who I'll never be,
Wish I could get the sidewalk to fall in love with me."

[Tony]

Nice quatrains! The catchy cadence, rhyme scheme and unique imagery all make for a satisfying and memorable write. Excellent craftsmanship!

Makosica

[Adelia Alighieri]

This is very nice, very lyrical. The vocab fits perfectly.
Well done.

[Abdul Aziz]

What can I say? I was so lost in the awesome rhythm this poem creates, I had to read it thrice to move past the rhythm and try and understand it. And boy, have you written well. You are a serious talent! I find it hard to believe that rhyming isn't your first love!
There are so many awesome lines I'd like to quote and dwell upon, I can write an essay on them. But I'll be short.
"My ribbon cut from vanity just isn't up to par."
That line is brilliant. Your disappointment and anguish is reflected really well!

"I'm suffering withdrawals over who I'll never be,"
That was unique. Really good.

"Wish I could get the sidewalk to fall in love with me."
This line alone holds a wealth of emotion. The desperation, and the angst is really palpable.

"I feel so bruised and buoyant, I only take back lanes"
bruised and buoyant. Now that's alliteration and a potential oxymoron wrapped together. Awesome job.

Overall, this is one of the most rhythmic poems I've ever read. I wouldn't want to comment on what I believe is the interpretation of the poem, though. I might embarrass myself. I do want to say something about the structure though. On average, your lines contain 14 syllables, and more or less fall into rhythmic Iambic meter. If you've done this without trying to write in meter, well, all I can say is, you were born to be a poet!
100/100

[Dinesh Sairam]

Lol, OK, I give up. I didn't understand the third stanza.. and I doubt if anyone does. But all the other three stanzas were just radiating. A poet can't do any better than emoting what he intended to (In a poetic way of course). You have done that here, excellently.

I don't know if 'Made up make-up' can be used. I'm just being random - I can't find anything to critique upon, too bad for me :P

"I paint my face with apathy; the lightest sheen of sweat
This is my made up make-up that I use to hide regret.
I'm suffering withdrawals over who I'll never be,
Wish I could get the sidewalk to fall in love with me."

My favorite stanza of the whole and I really really have to double quote the last line. I'm so obsessed with it. (I feel the same too *Sigh*)

Lastly, though this poem is supposed to be in angst, I feel it's terrifically beautiful!

Your poem is as beautiful as your eyes *Alcohol wears off* :P :P :)

Keep writing.

[Steve]

Alana, this was so well done! Very serious and intense too. This must have been a very thoughtful walk. :0)

[Kelsey Alex Rose]

I absoultely loved this! The rhyming is very well done without seeming childish or overly obvious, and and imagery is very descriptive. I look forward to reading more of your work. I wish I could give some sort of constructive critisisim, but frankly I didn't see anything wrong with it.