This End is Just the Beginning

A short narrative written as my creative piece for NWP

This End is Just the Beginning

        Sometimes people see divorce as a failure, an ending. I know I did. My husband certainly did as evidenced by his going berserk. Threatening, yelling, screaming. He did all of the typically scary, pissed off guy-on-the-verge-of-divorce things. No five stages of grief for him though, only three. Anger, bargaining, and (eventually) acceptance. The first two stages took precedence.  However, his acceptance was such a relief that we have all but forgotten all of the psycho-pants behavior. He couldn’t hold a grudge forever, right?

When it was all said and done, divorce ended up being the best thing for him.  He remarried, bought another house, and built a new family with the new wife, new step-kids and various new pets. They go to work or school, come home, have dinner at the table, etc. Somewhat like a picture-perfect little family.

        For me though, it hasn’t quite worked out as well. Am I in the same place? I teach the same classes at the same school with the same people in the same town. I pretty much go through the same motions daily. (That sure doesn’t say much about my marriage does it?) Have I married? Nope. New house? Nuh-uh. Extra kids? Definitely not, no way, no thank you. Nothing looks to have changed except perhaps for my down-scaling to an apartment and getting a few extra blond highlights.

But on the inside, I am a different person. I don’t feel alone in my own home even when there is no one else around. I have no one with whom I have to confer on a daily basis, and I’m quite okay with that. Interestingly enough, that is almost how my married life was: I played the part of a single mother for all intents and purposes even though I most definitely was not. If most aspects of my marriage were done by myself, I thought I might as well be by myself.

So, I’ve become quite accustomed to the single life. I think differently. Larger. Loftier. I want more, whereas before I was okay with less. I look for more engagement, intelligence, and excitement than this small town has so far given me. Probably more than it can.

        Somehow my divorce, this ending, this supposed failure opened me up to new opportunities. Not being with the same person all the time in conjunction with all the “adulting” I have done gave me the courage to seek out new and varied personalities, intelligences, experiences, beliefs. (Online dating might have contributed to that opportunity as well, but the how is irrelevant, right?)

        I was no longer just surrounded by simple ideas or simple people. Don’t get me wrong; I am a product of this small town, so I don’t want to knock it too hard. It has made me what or who I am. The teacher. The mother. And hopefully the grower. But seeking something more outside of this town, whether it be a date, a trip, a job, or even a home, has done so much for my soul.

        Before divorce, I was simple. After divorce, I’m complex. Perhaps to no one but myself, but that is enough for me. Before divorce, I had very few opinions about my life; after divorce, I may very well have too many. What happened that made the divorce necessary and causing all of this change? Probably some early/mid-life crisis, but we all made it out alive.

        And now after all the change, the internal turmoil, the constant questioning and analyzing, the self-discovery, I await my next move. Because there will be a move. There will be a new job. There will be a new house and hopefully a new love. Though I do not think I am owed this, I think it is time.  

        See, divorce is not only an ending. It is also a beginning. It took me a while to come to terms with that. When I was thinking of failure, or what I had lost or screwed up, I had never taken the time to realize what I had found, or fixed: myself. I stopped living for other people. I stopped determining my worth by my husband or my children and I came to terms with who I was individually. Sure, married mothers are tied to their husbands and children, but their worth is not dictated by those husbands and children.

        I’m not sure if it was living in a small town that gave me my skewed view of what marriage and life was supposed to be or if it was the lack of a proper example by my dad and stepmom, but I knew I was not living “the dream.” Now that I’ve found the courage to seek it, I will. Or I’ll go down in flames trying.

        I know I talk a lot of trash for someone who hasn’t 

actually shown any progress. But isn’t that

half the battle? I put on a good front about what I was doing, 

the choices I had made, good or bad. But I

didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing once 

everything was settled. I made some pretty

hasty and reckless decisions, some I wish I could take back, but 

I learned from them all. When I got divorced, I was lost. I am 

not willing to say that I am found, but I am in the right 

neighborhood.

Author's Note

Any criticism is welcome. I don't think too highly of my writing, so you probably won't hurt my feelings.

Reviews

[mspakren17]

Very positive and uplifting. Definitely inspirational for those who are going through the same thing.

[Samuel Dickens]

Your writing is quite good and well reflects the turmoil one in your situation is apt to feel. Just so you'll know, I am no stranger to divorce and went through it twice in the seventies, both times to the same woman. Whereas your husband fought it and caused difficulties, I just went with the flow and then beat myself up for the next few years. It can be hell, but you must already know that. It's my experience that the storm clouds will eventually move on, revealing a new sunrise.

[EHope]

Thank you. As soon as I posted this, I started questioning various parts of it, so I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else who wasn't a psycho-pants when going through their own divorce. Thank you for the comment.

[Melanie Dickens Sharp]

This story really resonated with me. I've been there and had those same feelings myself. I loved this line:

"Before divorce, I was simple. After divorce, I’m complex."

and this one:

"I stopped determining my worth by my husband or my children..."

Both are so very true and really capture something about divorce that only those who've gone through it can understand.

I really enjoyed this. I look forward to reading more from you.

[EHope]

Thank you so much.