Letter Twenty Two: Of the Second Chance I Would Give

The second Zachary in the series

Zachary David Alan,

It's kind of funny, when I look back at your name, how close and how far we have been.  You were so dear to me, for those short few months.  I remember that conversation we had over the phone, when you asked me what I would name my children when I was older, and for a boy I told you I'd name one "Daniel Alan David" and you said, "No, name him Daniel David Alan."  For your middle names.  What a coincidence.

We were such good friends.  Best friends.  Two to five hours a day on the phone after spending our school day together.  Inside jokes and so much laughter.  I thought of you as my brother, my other half, my best friend, the cheese to my macaroni, all without being in any way, shape, or form anything more than platonic.  I was glad to have just a confidant, rather than a love interest, after my fiasco with Tim, your ex-friend and my ex-boyfriend.  You could bag on anything, from Freshman to Robby, in a span of ten minutes.  Sure, I felt guilty about the bitterness you held for my friends, but it was okay, because you were special; we could relate.  We'd both cut ourselves in some past, and when we were best friends, I found out that you had cut "I love you" into your leg for me.  It scared me, but still.  I still believed you were special.

But somewhere in all the friendship, something went wrong, as per usual with me and my relationships, be they friendly or not.

I think it all started when I found out you liked me.  It was Jazmine's seventeenth birthday, a few days after her party, when I slept over at her house.  I was sick that day, and didn't go to school.  But we made our daily phone call, just like always, and I told you how funny it was that Jazmine and Stephanie had suggested that, from your hints to me that a friend of yours had a crush on me but you promised you wouldn't tell, you liked me.  You said you needed to get a glass of water, then told me "Jazmine and Stephanie...are correct.  Now I'm gonna go get some water."  When you left for a little while, I had a huge smile on my face.  I don't really know why, and I probably couldn't tell you why to this day, but I think it was because I was happy for somebody who could actually care about me like that, even if we were just friends.  But then, after the cutesy, friendly stuff ended, you expected more.  Even if you didn't say so, I know you wanted us to happen, which we both knew never would.

It snapped on a Friday.  Or, should I say, you snapped.  We were at pizza.  Freshman, Kevin, Robby, and I were messing around, doing that friendly flirty thing that I thought most friends did when they were just goofing off.  But you left pizza early because you couldn't stand to see me bite Robby's hand.  Then, when I called you that night, you seemed upset.  I asked if you were mad at Robby, Kevin, and Freshman for pizza.  Then, you said twelve words to me, twelve words that I don't think I'll ever forget: "It's not their fault you like to be touched by random guys."

Sure, I had flirted with them.  But honestly, it was that kind of friendly flirting you and I did all the time.  You were jealous.  It was just that, you were jealous.  After you said that, I tried to pretend things were normal, but then they just kept falling apart.

You know that saying, that all the s**t hits the fan at the same time?  Well, that applied to my life when you walked out of it.  And to be completely honest, I will say that, yes, you were the one who left me.  I wanted to take a break from the drama, but you took that as me being a, ahem, "f*****g b***h who loses all her friends."  And even though I wanted the drama to stop, with you leaving, it just piled up higher and higher.  You liked me.  Freshman liked me.  Adam liked me.  And, good gracious, Skiver liked me.  My grades were being weird, I couldn't focus on class.  I was worried and scared all the time.  I needed you.  But I couldn't talk to you.  We just couldn't be what we had been once before. Still, something good came of it.

Kevin and I hadn't been that close before, but after you left me emotionally, he and I began to talk, when he left physically.  We talked about our stresses, we talked about our friendships, we talked s**t about Stephanie and Robby dating, and when they broke up, Stephanie and Arron dating.  He's been helping me through so much in my life.  He is one of my best friends now.  I guess you could say that he, Jaz, and Steph have replaced you.  But that wouldn't be right, because they stick with me, unconditionally.  I can't say that about you.

I wish I could give you a second chance.  But I gave you all the chances I was willing to give, and it honestly did break my heart to watch you go.  I wish we could be what we once were, but it would never be enough for you, though you deny and deny it.  The past is what we have learned from, the future what we can make the best of.  Please take advantage of your future.  I would never be able to live with myself if I lost you again.

With your best interests at heart,

Mia