I don’t understand
how I got to this place. I don’t understand the people i spend my days with and
most of all; I cannot begin to understand myself. Here’s the thing: I don’t
choose who I become around people, countless personalities consume my being. I
can tell, that like a chameleon, i change to suit my surroundings. Rarely do I
like the personalities that secure me to others. I swear I despise them. I say
things I don’t agree with and internalize them until what I truly believe is
lost and forgotten. Long term discomfort, short term satisfaction. One, was a
disgraceful person; unforgiving and horribly self centered, yet so honest, I was
in awe. I created her in response to strong personalities that were attracted
to me like magnets. Another, she was depressed; she dressed in the same shade
of grey every day and listened to the same sad music. I created her as
security, as who sees opportunity in eyes that shine so dim? What doesn’t move
them doesn’t matter.
I didn’t
think I was capable of love. The whole idea sickened me; it still makes me want
to hide away forever. I’m unsure what I could possibly mean by that, or where
those thoughts came from. Sometimes when I’m in the shower or in a room full of
people I feel this horrible nausea that seeps through me and all I want to do
is never feel anything again, because everything is wrong and nothing can ever
be right. I’m different, I know I’m different, yet i do not understand how or
why. Still this comforts me in some unknown sense. I feel wanted yet unsatisfied,
desirable yet objectified. Forever have I disregarding my own feelings, to such
extent I forgot they existed. So wise yet so unhappy, i neglect myself like an
unwanted child, my body is my home and I rely on others for maintenance. Relationships conspiring from loneliness appear undesirable but how
unaware are we of how commonly we obtain them? How many of your peers conspire
from convenience?
Friends and
family ought to see through an act, should they not? Maybe mine was too real. The
walls were left untouched. How can you help someone who doesn’t cry out? I’m
not an actress, but I’m a believer that any protection in the form of a hostile
being will be at your disposable if desperate enough; you might not even know
it. How can we ever be sure in this world? Modest smiles and shy glances,
introverted weekends act as safety to my burdened soul. You make a home in a
bubble for short term relief, nobody can blame you; it’s what humans do. So
alone in our minds, will we choose to follow or avoid? Do you see how foolish
you’d be to judge someone for partaking in an act of destruction? First take a
look at your vices. Drinking slows the mind; frantic thoughts become blurred, let’s
leave the thinking for later and allow ourselves to live. Smoking is toxic, yet
how little most care, because breathing in poison is more personal than fresh
air. Under eating is dangerous, it weakens us, but whose to care when the true
feebleness of our being is already there? Why risk becoming bigger than life
its self, why fear death when you fear health? All we want is comfort and all
we lack is guidance. But what do I know? I’m
young and inexperienced. Though it still appears clear to me how far we’ll go
to survive, to fulfill our unspoken purpose; sometimes people stop and question
why. Through story, poetry or prose, this is the fork in my long and twisted
road.
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