A Test

Godless. Faithless. Helpless. 

I have chosen to believe in nothing and so here I am alone

on my first try and my last chance

with no all-mighty to sooth me 

with no destiny 

with only LIFE 

and what-will-be-will-be 

So it happened: the ultimate test of believing in life is watching my child suffering. 

Would it be easier if my hopes had a destination? 

Would it console me if everything was for a reason? 

I find myself wishing for the impossible; let me take his pain and have it for myself.

The worst pain of all is that which I can not feel.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this has such intensity...and the last line is a killer...and it is so true.
I have experienced this many times...and what i found is the longer it takes for the pain to finally arrive, the more dragged out and worse it is once it comes.
j.

[Ghost]

The pain a mother feels is sitting by watching a child suffer with illness that can't be fixed... I am sorry for any mother who has to go through this... Thank you for sharing this touching poem..

[.]

It is the plague of the loving parent....watching a child go through pain and be helpless to do anything about it except hope that the pain will recede in time.

As for the spiritual theme? I believe you are on the right track. If there really was a compassionate, loving God he wouldn't let innocents suffer. The silence remains deafening. Put your faith in science, medicine and the power of your love.

Hope your child is healthy soon.

[barleygirl]

Altho I consider myself a Christian, I also have parallel spiritual beliefs from many assorted cultures. Despite my mostly faith-based belief system, I really love your poem & I agree with so many of the reasons you present for having optional possibilities. I hate it when people go to God with a wish list & to me that’s not the point of having a faith-based belief system. But your poems shows us the opposite side of this self-absorbed type of relationship with God, presenting your message as a sort of spoof on this type of Christian who feels God owes us an explanation or better yet, bliss. Life ain’t blissful whether we believe or not. So you’ve presented some of the main things that have always bugged me about the faith community’s approach to seeking salvation!?!?! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Coyote Poetry]

Honest and hard words written. I would accept the pain for someone I loved. The words filled with emotion and deep thoughts. Thank you my friend for sharing the powerful poetry and your thoughts.

Coyote

[Davidgeo]

One of the more compassion based reasonings for atheism I've read in quite some time. There are many different forms of atheism, but basically they start from two points - 1. The absence of belief or 2. The rejection of belief. One being a harder version and the second being a softer version. This poem takes the harder version, the active negation of a god (rejection of belief)... which ironically is based on a sort of 'faith' itself; the active belief that there is no diety still requires a 'leap of faith' as there is no rational way to prove a negative of that nature given the sheer size and complexity of the of universe we live in. I've always been partial to the stronger, rejection of belief myself for similar reasons as you. Though I have no children I have witnessed extreme suffering in person and never could tolerate the view "everything happens for a reason, even great suffering"; I find that to be no more than an excuse for tyranny and/or the rationalization of allowing continued pain and tragic discomfort without actually making sense... kind of a lazy type of non-logic, like the "because i said so" retort so many parents say to a child far too young to understand certain concepts, like washing your hands or brushing your teeth before bedtime. And I just realized I'm rambling on and on so I will stop now, it's clear to see what I was getting at anyway I think.

You really pushed my brain into serious contemplation with just a handful of lines... that's the mark of an excellent piece of writing. Well done.

[Gee]

I too have no belief, need no reason for my life. I'm here for the ride and enjoying every last second.
If your child, Loved one is ill I wish them well.
One of the better pieces of writing I have come across

[danielle.]

Thank you. It’s the tough times that make us question things but I just can’t see things any other way. I’m glad you understand. My son is going to be fine, it’s a big relief! X

[Gee]

Glad the boy is okay. Never question life, live it, enjoy it as it is far to fleeting.