//Love is the Easy Part, the Hard Part is Being Free:

A Poem by Ella Noelle

In one moment, the clicking of your pen became the most prominent example of human pain I've seen since I ran a brush through my hair and looked into the eyes of a girl who sat in the front row of the church.

You looked everywhere but at me.

Why won't you look at me?

Suddenly the mirror in my bedroom became a window,

as I realized I left a piece of myself with those ashes.

The one night I watched you really fall apart

you had the same eyes as me, and then of my father

I guess that’s how I knew maybe some beautiful part of you

had died, too.

I don’t want pure intentions, I want this human selfishness.

I often find myself wishing I were uglier,

I get off on your shaking instability.

Break my body.

Hit me, hit me, hit me,

hurt me, make me feel used.

I lit you on fire and I’m put out,

I hope I didn’t make unraveling look too sexy.

I don’t think you’re lying to me when you say that you’re

not lonely, I just think you don’t know it yet.

I’m all closed off and now you start to leak before you go to sleep.

I know how you like your vivid dreams, but I have to

say it isn’t always so appealing when it’s so utterly temporary.

Sometimes you’ll dream I have my limbs back and that

your hair is much longer.

Sometimes I’ll dream about the two thousand mile drive and

putting the bite back into those eyes.

I’ll make you love the smell of smoke.

One day you’ll be so used to me breathing it into your body

like I’m suffocating,

clawing at the surface of your skin

to try and keep myself alive.

I didn’t realize I had a home until it burned down,

I didn’t know I had somewhere to go until I was dropped off

in limbo and left alone.

You love to hold my hands to your neck,
I love to let you ruin me.

Will I grow back?

I’ve bitten pieces of my skin off for the high of my light head,

will I ever grow back?

I’m a child looking for something to latch onto,

if you don’t keep me safe

I will not survive.

This is not living,

put your fingers up inside of me

and don’t stop until I’m crying.

Take me back,

I’d like to live in my mother again

I know I have killed her in all of the same ways

that I have killed myself. .

© 2016 Ella Noelle

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Reviews

I Am Svetlana

I really have no words for this piece due to every bit of raw emotion and honesty. Truly a masterpiece in which love occurs. I loved this more and more with each line I read...so amazing😍