i may never sleep tonight, as long as you're still burning bright

let me save you, hold this rope

...

i may never sleep tonight, as long as you’re still burning bright

“Move with me.” Josh says a month before graduation.

He’s planning to move to Manhattan where his uncle has offered him a job at new office he’s opening with his publishing company. Eliza had already found an apartment in the city, ready for when she had graduated. But it was still no incentive.

“Connecticut is my home, Josh. I can’t just leave.” Darcie is being stubborn. She’s been refusing to make a decision for weeks, ever since Josh got the offer.

She was right. She’s learnt to love him.

There’s none of the fiery passion, the constant battle or the sheer need for the other that she felt with Kai but that relationship lasted eight months. She’s been with Josh for eighteen months and surely that should count for something? Their relationship is lovely, it’s easy and it’s perfect.

Just what she’s always deserved.

But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him and he doesn’t need to know that for the past two months she’s been e-mailing Kai, trying to be friends with him again.

“Babe, you’ve lived here all your life but what are you staying for? Courtland isn’t home anymore and New Haven was just for college. You can’t stay in a college town forever.” Josh persists.

“I don’t want to live in the city. I’m used to quiet, to privacy and to great big houses in the middle of nowhere. I’m not made for living in Manhattan.”

Darcie knows she’s being awkward. There are a million different options they could consider as alternatives but it’s all a distraction from the fact that she’s not even sure she’s ready to start a new life with him so soon.

She turns back to her laptop where continues reading through and editing a Word document.

“What is that?” Josh says as a distraction from the " actually extremely important " conversation he’s dying to have properly.

“Just something I’m working on. It’s silly. Just a little story.” Darcie dismisses it and closes the screen.

“Would you let me take a look one day?” He tries.

“Oh look at you. You get a swish publishing job in the city and all of a sudden you’re an expert.” She smirks, walking over to where he’s sitting on her bed and straddling his lap, arms looping around his neck.

It’s déjà vu.

She’s instantly transported back to the summer after her senior year of high school in the exact same position with Kai making promises they couldn’t keep.

But, she notes with a sly smile, it doesn’t hurt anymore.

She can do this with Josh because she does love him in some capacity and it doesn’t feel like her heart is ripped in two whenever she remembers the past. That summer was one of youth, silliness and hope. There was so much hope. But time had moved on and now in her senior year of college, weeks from graduation, it finally feels like it’s all under lock and key.

She drops a quick kiss down to his lips and looks him in the eyes.

She might never be ready for this.

“Okay.” She mumbles with a smile.

Maybe no one ever is.

“Okay?” He questions.

But that’s why she has to take the chance. To find out how it all ends.

“I’ll move in with you.” She enjoys the warmth that fills her when his face breaks into a grin and he pulls her in closer from her middle. “But we are absolutely not living in the city. You’ll have to commute or something. That’s my only condition.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. So when does this fantastic job start anyway? How long do we have?” She pushes him back onto the bed and lies alongside him, holding his hand between them and stroking her thumb across the back of his hand.

“August.” He turns to look at her. “Is that enough time for you to find our dream home which is close enough to the city so I can work but still ensure you’re happy as my kept woman?”

She laughs and swats him on the arm. “I’m nobody’s kept woman, mister. You are greatly mistaken. Your dinner will not be on the table at six sharp.”

“What’s the point of you then?” He mock-gasps.

She rolls onto her front and starts tracing shapes through his shirt with her finger. “The point of me is to deny you sex in favour of washing my hair, faking headaches and to piss you off with all my nagging. The point of me is to refuse to wash your dirty laundry and to order you to sleep with your secretary if she’s so fantastic. The point of me is to love you and trust you won’t break my heart. Think you’re okay with that?”

“Absolutely. I’m so ready for that.” He grins, pulling her on top of him and kissing her slowly. “Just don’t break my heart, okay?” If he notices her flinch, he doesn’t say anything, but he does squeeze a little tighter to hold her in place.

“I’m really going to miss this s****y little apartment.” She says, resting her head on his chest and stroking the side of his neck in a way she’s long since learnt he adores.

...

They eventually settle on Stamford. Darcie wants the connections to New Haven so she doesn’t feel so far from home and from Taylor who decides to stay and go through grad school at Yale. Josh doesn’t mind because it’s known for its commuting facilities to New York which isn’t too far even if he wants to drive.

It’s a compromise for both of them. Darcie prefers the town-feel that Courtland had and the college vibe of New Haven. She doesn’t like the bustle of the city but Stamford has its quiet areas so she agrees to try.

Josh does his research and finds an apartment in Harbor Point which he insists is a great area for commuters.

By August Taylor is on the train to Stamford to help them move in and Eliza is on the phone in the doorway to the apartment bitching to some removal company to get people to help. There won’t be any heavy lifting for her. She just had her nails done after all.

At the end of the first day they are left with rooms full of boxes, unpacked brand new kitchen equipment as a present from Eliza and more cheap wine than they could possibly consume that Taylor brought with her in celebration. They drink it anyway and by the time morning comes and the hangovers hit, they look around at all the unpacking they didn’t do and decide to go out to lunch.

A problem doesn’t remain a problem if you walk away from it.

Josh’s brother arrives the following weekend with a mysterious package that Darcie is banned from knowing about. He also brings his strength and determination and as the sun goes down on Sunday, casting an orange glow through the apartment, most of the unpacking is complete and it almost feels like home.

Josh starts work first thing on Monday and Darcie calls someone about the internet connection. She needs to check her emails.

...

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

The apartment looks amazing. It must be nice to feel so settled. I’m still crashing with Hayden but I don’t think he minds. I don’t see dad anymore so he seems to be over hating me. If only everyone could. Eliza keeps sending me strange messages on Facebook. Did you tell her we were emailing? Do you still speak to Taylor? I guess it took a while for you to email with all the stress of moving. I loved the last chapter of your writing that you sent me, btw. I hope you’ll send more. You’ve got a real talent there, who knew? Maybe you could ask Josh to pass it on at work. You could make a real go of this.

I hope you’re happy :)

Kai x.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

The apartment is incredible. I can’t believe I was ever unsure about Stamford. Sure it’s busier than what I grew up with but it’s no Manhattan and I’m glad. I haven’t told anyone we’re emailing. We’ve had too many years of ridiculous drama and people judge. I’m not ashamed of you or anything but you know how I get when people gossip about me. Unless it’s truly scandalous it’s not worth it. Do you want me to ask her what’s going on? I think Taylor spends more time here than at Yale these days. She has more time away from classes now so she gets the train and spends a few days in the spare room working on her thesis. It’s weird but we did live together for the entirety of college and I’d hate to know what it’s like to miss her. Josh is in the city most days anyway so it’s not like she’s disturbing us. Thanks, I’m working on the next chapter now so keep an eye on your inbox. Josh doesn’t know I’m writing so it’ll be a while before his uncle offers me a book deal! Besides, it really isn’t all that good. You just like it because you feel obligated to.

I think for once I actually might be.

I hope you are too.

Darcie xx.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

I’ll talk to Eliza about it.

Maybe you shouldn’t send the next chapter. Tell Josh. He’d love to read it.

Kai.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Did I do something wrong? That reply was kind of cold.

Darcie.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

No.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Back to square one then...

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

You’re sharing things with me that you should be sharing with your boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, Darcie, I’d pull the moon out of the sky for you if I thought we had another chance. Because even though it’s been years, I’m pathetic and can’t let it go. It’s probably a therapist’s dream, lack of closure or something.

Despite all that though, I hate feeling like this is an affair.

I know it’s not. It’s harmless email correspondence.

But I just know I’m going to fall for you all over again and that’s not fair on me, you or Josh.

We should probably stop talking or something.

Kai.

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

What if I want you to pull the moon out of the sky for me?

-

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

What if I told you I slept with Eliza at Hayden’s New Years Eve party?

...

Darcie is sat on the bathroom floor by the toilet waiting for the vomiting to end when Josh gets home with his perfect hair, perfect suit and very expensive briefcase.

“Darcie? Are you home?” He calls through as he unbuttons his jacket and slings it on the kitchen counter. “Darcie?” It’s rare that she’s not in when he gets home.

She can’t find the energy to call back so she sits with her head back against the wall, her puffy eyes screwed shut and one hand on the toilet seat in case she needs to be sick again.

Josh can help her. He always knows what to do. He’ll know that she needs flat lemonade, some plain toast and a good night’s sleep. He’s practical like that.

But he can’t help with the images playing on repeat in her mind like a terrible porn film. He can’t help with Eliza’s persistent texts about the guy she screwed last night on her phone coming in every fifteen minutes until she replies. He can’t help with the betrayal because if she ever told him what she was so upset over, he would leave her in an instant.

She hasn’t been with Kai for years and she’s with Josh now. Why should it be so painful to hear about him with someone else?

“Are you okay? Eliza keeps calling.” Josh says, clutching her phone when he finally finds her. Sometimes the apartment is too damn big.

“I’m not feeling well.” She groans and heaves herself from the floor. She’s still fragile but at least the nausea has gone with the appearance of her boyfriend.

“You didn’t drink the milk did you? It’s gone sour! I forgot to throw it out.” He panicked.

It was a lie he all but spoon-fed her. “Yeah, something like that. I’m going to go lie down and sleep it off. I’m sorry, you didn’t have plans did you?”

“No.” He tries to lie but his eyes crinkle and his scratching his neck. “Well yeah, I kind of had a plan for the evening and I got the day off tomorrow so we could lie in but you know, you’re sick so we can do it some other time.”

She decides that she can’t let him stand there and worry over this when she knows full well that if she just stopped thinking about it and focussed on how her life had actually turned out instead of dwelling on things that had happened, she could get through a rare night with her boyfriend.

“Well I don’t think I’ll be sick again so I don’t have to go to bed.” She offers, playing with the hem of her dress.

“I made reservations but I’m not dragging you out just to keep me happy when you’re not well.” He insisted, pulling her towards him by her wrist.

“I don’t deserve you.” She placed her hands on his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, and looked up to meet his eyes. “But I do love you and that makes me selfish. You’d be happier with someone else but I want you all for myself.”

He smiles and brushes her bangs from her eyes. “I couldn’t love anyone the way I love you.”

“You’re a cheesy b*****d. That was a terrible line and I want you to apologise for it.” She laughs, clasping her hands together behind his back and resting her chin on his chest.

He leans down to nuzzle her cheek and whisper into her ear. “I’ll never apologise for loving you.”

Her laughter becomes hysterical but it ends when he cups her face and pulls her into a deep kiss which demonstrates how much he truly feels for her. “I’ll get take-out delivered and fix up the lounge. You need to chill out in the bedroom and I’ll call you when I want you.” He smirks, dropping one more kiss to her lips before shoving her into the bedroom and shutting the door.

She knows it takes around twenty minutes for the Chinese place to deliver as it’s not too far from their apartment building. Twenty minutes to pull herself together. She checks her face in the mirror and sighs whilst she digs out her concealer to hide the redness and swelling from all the crying. She re-applies her mascara and runs a comb through her hair. She’s almost positive that she didn’t make the toilet every time she was sick so she changes her dress for something cleaner. As she changes she remembers flashes of the days when Audrey would pick out her outfits in the morning. They were easier times. She had money, she had an amazing car, her house was only rivalled by Eliza’s and her parents gave her free reign. Ferrier had one of their most memorable students and Kai Brooks was a name she knew nothing about.

She notes that twenty-five minutes have passed and checking herself in the mirror one last time, she’s proud of how she pulls herself together. There’s barely any sign that she’s exhausted herself over a guy she dated years ago, there’s not a glimmer of someone who is so loved by her boyfriend but so heartbroken at the same time. She knows she’s a better actress than people give her credit for but it’s scaring her how she’s even convincing herself that she had a nasty spell with some sour milk.

She picks up her cell phone and laughs bitterly at seeing six text messages and three missed calls from her so-called best friend.

Stop calling and texting. I won’t pick up. Maybe Kai’s got some time to listen to stories of how you’re acting like an eighteen year old that’s just discovered sex. Or maybe you can just go to him for sex. I can’t believe I never saw it before but you’re kind of perfect for each other. She fires off and sends to her then wipes away a persistent tear. Josh knocks at the bedroom door and asks her to come out. She takes a deep breath and puts on her poker face.

She walks out of the bedroom and as she gets past the kitchen and sees what he’s done to the lounge, she almost loses her breath. How on earth did she get him? Who thought she deserved to have him in her life?

Josh has shoved the coffee table to the side and put a picnic blanket down in the middle of the room. He’s dug out her fairy lights and trailed them over the couches and put her favourite record on at a low volume, just easy background noise.

“You got changed.” He says with some surprise. “And did your hair.”

“Well when my boyfriend is whisking me away for a super romantic date in our lounge, I thought I’d better make the effort.” She mock-curtseys and laughs a little at his awe-struck expression.

“Well you look absolutely beautiful.” He says with an earnest smile, walking towards her and dropping a kiss on her cheek as the door buzzes. “That’ll be the food.”

As he deals with the takeaway guy, she sits on the blanket and takes a sip of the wine he’s put out with the plates. In the corner across from her sits a bottle of champagne on ice. Maybe he got a promotion, she thinks.

“Are you feeling up to this?” He questions as he puts the cartons out in front of them. “You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to but I’m absolutely famished.”

Her stomach is empty. She’s starving. She knows nothing more will come up if she keeps the knowledge of Eliza and Kai at bay but that doesn’t wash with her off-milk story. “I’ll just have a little.” She smiles and begins to pull tiny portions from each carton.

They eat and laugh and he shares stories of work. They plan their morning in bed and all the things they can do in the afternoon and early evening now that he doesn’t have to work.

When all the food and wine has gone there is still the bucket of ice and the champagne.

“What are we celebrating?” Darcie asks with a genuine smile, something she never would have believed she could have managed earlier. She was right to be with Josh. He was so good for her.

But for the first time he’s flustered.

“We are celebrating you.” He says carefully, only making eye contact once he has spoken. She looks at him curiously and he stumbles on. “We were together eighteen months before we came here and while I can’t remember the exact date I know that two years is coming up any day now.”

For the first time in such a long time, Darcie begins to feel butterflies.

“October 24^th.” She mumbles.

“What?”

“October 24^th. Our first date.” She’s blushing ever so slightly, embarrassed at being the only one to know that. He’ll think she’s being sentimental but who wouldn’t remember the day they gave up on who they thought would be the love of their life?

“Well today is October 16^th so I guess I’m a few days early.” He laughs nervously and messes the hair up on the back of his head.

“It’s okay.” She whispers shyly, reaching to hold his hand. She can never remember feeling this silly around him before.

“So for two years you’ve made me insanely happy. I tried asking you out in freshman year but of course the prettiest girl I knew would have a boyfriend.” He laughs but at the memory Darcie feels something else begin to stir with the butterflies. But she’s almost positive she knows what is going on now and ever curious to know how someone would propose to her, she smiles and encourages him to continue. “But one day I wanted a latte so bad I couldn’t stand to wait another minute and suddenly the prettiest girl I had ever seen agreed to date me.”

“Well I agreed to one date, actually.” She interjects and crosses her arms with mock-indignation.

“Okay, okay. We had one date.” He laughs, pulling her arms away from her chest and clasping her hands in his. “So we danced around it, you finally realised what an amazing guy I was and agreed to be my girlfriend.”

“I think I asked you to be my boyfriend first. Seriously, if we’re going down memory lane, get your facts right.” She pokes out her tongue to tease him and he has the decency to blush a little.

“I’m not doing very well, am I?” He chuckles. “But anyway, even though I knew we were together I never truly felt like I had you. Maybe it was disbelief that I finally got the girl or maybe it was because I was convinced that she would run to her ex at the drop of a hat. But you chose me, Darcie. I have never felt anything like it. You actually chose me over someone Taylor was convinced you’d never get over and that might have been the night I first dared to think about marrying you.”

Darcie feels sick. Butterflies are still fluttering but she can feel the bile rising. So she takes a deep breath and wills it away.

“I was only just twenty-one. That’s insane.” She tries to joke.

“Apparently when you know you know.” He shrugs, tightening his hold on her hands. “But that was after a couple of months. Did I imagine we’d be living in our own apartment, in a city we’d never really seen before three months after graduating college? No way. But here we are, Darcie.”

“Here we are.” She tilts her head to the side and smiles a little at how flustered he truly is with the situation. She may be fighting away urges to vomit but she’s at least handling it well. She’s pretty calm by all standards and her boyfriend almost losing it is actually quite adorable.

He almost stumbles into the Chinese cartons and almost pulls the fairy lights off of the couch as he manoeuvres himself onto one knee. “I’m as graceful as an elephant at the Royal ballet.” He deadpans and without even considering whether it’s appropriate or not, Darcie howls with laughter and cannot stop the fit of giggles which follow.

Josh watches her with a bemused expression, waiting for her to calm down so he can get to the point but she just laughs and laughs, clutching at her sides whilst they cramp. She props herself up onto her knees and presses her hands onto his knee to take her weight whilst she at least attempts to calm down but every time she looks to him she laughs again.

“I’m so, so sorry.” She gasps out eventually, tears streaming down her face. “It wasn’t even that funny.”

Laughter is contagious though and while she’s wiping her cheeks and keeling over with the exhaustion of so much laughter, he can’t help but chuckle away at the state his girlfriend has inadvertently got herself in.

“So are you going to marry me or not?” He manages to spit out during a moment where she isn’t laughing or choking.

Darcie stops laughing for a moment to really look at him, smile still on her face. “Is that any way to ask a lady for her hand in marriage?” She admonishes playfully.

“Miss Harrington, my angel, my sweetheart, love-of-my-life and complete head-case, would you do me the great, amazing and fantastic honour of being my wife?” He smirks, mirroring her own proposal when she asked him to be her boyfriend.

She pauses for a moment and memories, teasing and amusement aside, it was a serious thing he was asking of her with possibly the worst timing. She considers the position she is in; an ex-boyfriend whose existence is acknowledged or felt daily, a best friend who has committed the ultimate betrayal, another best friend who would do anything for her and a head full of dreams. Could she accomplish them with Josh? Would she be happy to with Josh?

“I’m not going to lie, you’re freaking me out a bit and my leg is cramping.” Josh jokes, pleading for a ‘yes’ with his eyes.

She studies him and thinks to the half-completed manuscript sitting under her desk and an inbox full of betrayal.

But that was all over now.

“Yes?” She says uncertainly, screwing her face up with confusion.

“I’m going to need something a little more definite, babe.” Josh teases, wincing at how his leg twitches with cramp.

“Sure. Yeah. I’ll marry you.” She forces out a smile and holds her hand out to pull him back up and when he’s on his feet again, he picks her up and swings her around whilst laughing.

It’s a good job his laugh was contagious. Darcie joins in because if she doesn’t she’ll most definitely cry.

Maybe this was her lot in life. Maybe she was never meant to have her fairytale romance. Maybe she was meant to settle and if settling meant Josh, well then she could have done a lot worse for herself.

...

Darcie Harrington is now engaged to Joshua Clark

Hayden Brooks, Taylor Morris and Megan Westley like this.

Eliza Westley What the f**k was that text about?

Darcie Harrington Classy, Elizabeth. Real classy.

...

“How come Eliza doesn’t call anymore?” Josh asks one day as he’s cleaning the kitchen.

Darcie doesn’t answer. She just sits at her desk and contemplates deleting her email account. Yale Darcie. It’s out of date anyway. The cursor hovers over the button on the webpage.

With a sigh she closes the page and slams the laptop screen shut.

Who was she kidding?

...

She gets a job at the Starbucks in town just because she’s bored. Josh is never home, Eliza doesn’t visit anymore and Taylor is swamped with her thesis. She’s busy writing on her break when she gets a text from Hayden.

Hey, congrats on the engagement! You should totally have a party to celebrate. He suggests not-so-subtly.

She misses her friends and even though it’s a terrible idea she finds herself agreeing and drafting an event description for Facebook.

...

“I’m going to Stamford next weekend. Darcie is having a party, you should come. You guys are talking now, right?” Hayden makes conversation over a snooker table as he’s kicking his brother’s a*s.

“Not right now.” Kai mumbles back as he knocks the next ball into the pot.

“What happened?” Hayden asks, standing from where he had been leaning over, suddenly interested.

“I told her I slept with Eliza at your New Year’s Eve party.” He sips his beer nonchalantly.

“But you didn’t.” Hayden’s brow crinkles with confusion, putting his snooker cue down on the table, officially abandoning the game.

“I know that. You know that. Eliza knows that. Darcie doesn’t need to know that.” Kai is exasperated but he knows his brother won’t let this one go.

“Oh my god, Eliza. Don’t tell me you’ve fucked their friendship up? Those two are thick as thieves.” Hayden is becoming more animated with his despair and all Kai can do is rolls his eyes at the dramatics.

“Does everyone get as flamboyant as you when they come out?” He teases. A few years ago Hayden would have been devastated by such a comment but he can see the smirk on Kai’s face and he knows he means no harm.

“Don’t turn this conversation around to me.” Hayden insists. “And besides, I’m one of the less flamboyant ones. How do you think I pulled off being straight for so many years?”

“Brother, you have a point.” Kai laughs good-naturedly. “But yes to answer your question, I completely fucked them both up. They don’t speak anymore.”

“Then you’re definitely coming with me.” He nods.

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are and Eliza will too. You need to sort this s**t out once and for all. I don’t care if you two never speak to each other again but you can’t ruin that friendship.”

“My brother, ever the voice of reason.” Kai quips and quickly knocks the black ball into the pot with a speed and aggressiveness that betrays his exterior.

...

Darcie wants to kill Hayden as soon as he steps through her front door with Kai and Eliza in tow. Eliza looks furious, Kai apologetic but Hayden is full of smiles. She wants to kill him. She wants to hurt him so badly.

Until she realises that she never told him.

Nobody knew.

Nobody but her and Kai.

“What’s he doing here?” Josh whispers in her ear as his arm slides around her waist and he holds her to his side tightly.

“I’ve got no idea. I didn’t invite him.” She assures him. Her stomach is churning with just the sight of him and the memory of their last e-mail conversation. She wishes it got better when her fiancé runs his hand over her ring finger but it just makes it worse.

“Please don’t talk to him.” Josh pleads and she has to look back at him in surprise. He had never once tried to tell her what to do. “I know I have no right telling you what to do but I’m asking anyway. I’m sorry, but please don’t talk to him.”

She glances back at Kai who is watching her from the other side of the room. It sends a worrying shiver through her and she actually thinks Josh has a point. “Okay, I won’t.” She murmurs with a smile and pulls away from him to say hello to Hayden.

...

“Can we talk?” Kai sidles up to her when she’s alone in the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water after a few too many martinis.

“Can’t.” She says trying not to let her voice shake too much. She hasn’t seen him in forever and the urge to throw it all to hell and just kiss him hasn’t dulled. “I promised Josh I wouldn’t talk to you.”

“Since when did someone tell you what to do?” Kai looks at her with disbelief.

“It’s not like that.” She rolls her eyes. “If you need someone to talk to so badly then Eliza is in the next room. You shouldn’t even be here.”

“In the kitchen?” He questions, bemusedly.

“In my apartment. In Stamford. In my life.” She says quickly, still proud of how calm she can be under the stress of the situation.

“Is everything okay?” Josh asks from the doorway to the kitchen.

Darcie rolls her eyes and Kai just looks pissed. The tension is thick with unfinished business but they all know nothing is getting resolved today.

“It’s fine. Kai was just leaving the kitchen.” Kai hates the way his heart swells when she specifically says the kitchen and not the whole party. Maybe there will be another chance later.

“Good.” Josh says with his eyes trained firmly on Kai. Darcie’s never seen him so agitated.

“You know you can’t just tell her what to do! She’s not your f*****g pet. She can talk to whoever she likes!” Kai explode. Darcie can’t help but flinch but she had to suppose it was inevitable. She clutches the kitchen worktop and hopes for the best but at the flash of hurt in Josh’s eyes, she knows it won’t end well.

“I’m not stopping her from talking to anyone. But I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.” Josh says through gritted teeth, not rising to the bait and yelling.

“Do you know what I think?” Kai challenges him, stepping close enough that Darcie takes a step forward in case a fight breaks out.

“Oh please, do tell.” Josh rolls his eyes to match his condescending tone.

“If you’re so scared of losing her, if you really think I’m that much of a threat, then maybe you shouldn’t be with her at all.” He says with a smirk. “Maybe you should let her go.”

Josh’s eyes flick to Darcie for a moment and she knows what she sees. He’s begging her. He’s pleading with her to put an end to this but her tongue is weighed down and her mouth feels like she’s been eating sand all night. She opens it to speak but promptly closes it again. She can’t look at Josh because if she did, she wouldn’t be able to stomach the hurt that she would see.

“I’m not stopping her from leaving if that’s what she wants. I’m not the kind of guy that could hold someone emotionally hostage like that.” Darcie looks up at that and sees that Josh was looking at her the whole time. It wasn’t so much a dig at Kai as a message for her to consider. He raises his hands in surrender and leaves the room.

She’s shell-shocked and incapable of forming coherent words so she doesn’t even try.

“I’m so sorry, Darcie. That was out of line.” Kai whispers, turning around to face her.

He reaches a hand out to stroke through her hair but he only gets as far as her jaw before she’s slapping it away.

“Don’t touch me.” She hisses.

“Darcie - ” He starts but she cuts him off.

“No!” She shouts. “Not again! You cannot come into my home and make my fiancé question our relationship! You had your chance with me and then you had many, many more but it’s too late now. It’s too late because I’m marrying him next year and then I’m going to have his kids and we’ll probably move out of the city and I swear I will not tell you where I am. I can sacrifice my friendship with Hayden too if it means you leave me alone.”

Kai is staring at her with wide-eyes and a fair amount of surprise and it’s then that she realises she let out her last secret.

“You’re marrying him?” He asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

Her eyes are already filling with tears under the weight of her confession. She can’t speak so she nods and furiously tries to blink it away before she cries. “You’ve lost me. For good.”

“No.” He shakes his head violently. “No, I haven’t.”

They’re both crying now and she can’t stop him when he lurches forward, pushing her against the side and kisses her. It’s not tentative and unsure like their last kiss on New Year’s Eve. It’s much more like the kisses they shared over the Christmas before the broke up. The desperation, the need to feel each other, to be close so they could convince themselves it wouldn’t end. She hates the way they slot together just like they used to, how he still knows that she likes it when he holds her neck. He doesn’t push it any deeper because they’re both too flustered to get that far. But just like before, it has to end.

Everything does.

“No - ” She gasps, trying to push him away.

“I never slept with Eliza.” He whispers, still holding onto her. “I lied.”

“What?” She asks through her post-kiss haze.

“I didn’t sleep with Eliza. I spent the night moaning about how much I screwed it up with you, what a mess I was and how I had to get you back because you’re the one. We fell asleep on the bed we were talking on but nothing happened.” He explained quickly in case anyone interrupted them.

“Oh my god - ” She was going to be sick. She was going to be sick right now.

Darcie ran to the kitchen sink and let it all out, for once not trying to hold back how she truly felt. She’d destroyed her friendship. She’d accepted a proposal. She’d cut him out of her life for good. Everything had been done on the basis of his lie.

“I had to lie. You seemed so happy and even though I could feel you coming back to me, I couldn’t tear you away from him. He brought the Darcie I hadn’t seen for a long time back.” He says as he rubs her back gently, soothing her through the sickness. “But s**t, I never thought you’d marry the guy.”

“The day you told me you were moving in with Louise? I thought you were in New Haven to ask me to get back together with you.” She mumbles as she leans against the sink in case of a second wave. “Taylor and Eliza told me not to but I was going to jump at the chance.”

“We have a chance now.” He persists, turning to lean into her side and hold her face close to his, looking into his eyes.

“No, we don’t.” She smiles sadly. “I gave you up that day. I spent ages getting rid of you and I met Josh. He’s the very best thing that’s happened to me and I don’t deserve him one single bit.”

“You deserve someone who will treat you like a princess.” Kai tilts his head and returns her tragic smile.

“He does. He treats me like I’m made of glass and he acts like every single day with me is the day before I’m going to leave him. He’s perfect.” She can feel a tear sliding down her face but before she can wipe it, Kai already has. “But I don’t love him the way he loves me and I feel so guilty every single day. I keep secrets from him and I know he knows I do but I can’t make it any better.”

“You’re not happy.” Kai says with a sudden realisation, stepping back from her with surprise.

“No.”

Darcie crumbles and Kai backs out of the kitchen. She doesn’t know how long she’s there for before Hayden rushes in and cradles her in his arms. Josh is nowhere to be seen and Hayden is the only one who has been there from the start. Save for Eliza. But that bridge

had been burnt.

She cries for almost an hour and Hayden stays the whole time. It’s only when Taylor pokes her head around the door to remind them that parties are supposed to be fun that she

snaps out of it.

She catches her ring shining under a light a little later on. It blinds her temporarily with its glare but she continues to dance through the night with a weight on her heart and a terrible conversation looming on the horizon.

...

Darcie is on her third shift of the week at Starbucks when Eliza walks in and orders the most elaborate coffee on the menu with a weak, desperate smile. She doesn’t even drink coffee.

“Kai told me everything.” She says quietly once Darcie gets permission for a five-minute break.

“I’m sorry for believing him.” Darcie offers.

“I know he’s messed you around, sweets, but he cares. He did a terrible, misguided thing because he really loves you.” Eliza says tentatively. “He just wanted you to be happy.”

“Yeah, he told me.” Darcie admits, playing with the straw in her drink.

“And you’re still with Josh?” Eliza questions with a frown. It makes Darcie look up in surprise.

“What do you mean?”

“I just assumed that if Kai ever pulled his finger out and told you honestly how he feels and why he did what he did that you would go back in a heartbeat.” Eliza says, sipping her coffee with a grimace. “Seriously, why does anyone drink this stuff? It tastes like somebody s**t in my cup and added cinnamon.”

“I’ll try not to take that as an insult of my skills as a barista.” Darcie smirks. “But no, it’s not that simple.”

“Why the hell not?” Eliza is suddenly animated, smacking her hand down on the table.

It’s hard to comprehend what her best friend is doing. For so long she hated Kai for hurting her, she was rooting for Josh all the way and encouraged Darcie to do everything to the opposite of Kai. The turnabout in allegiance had her genuinely concerned.

“What’s going on? I feel like I’m looking at a stranger right now.”

“Do you know Hayden is gay?” She asks, screwing her face up at the random question.

“Yeah, he told me in high school. Why?” Darcie is more confused than ever.

“Oh. I didn’t know.” She says with a smile and a ‘what-can-you-do’ shrug.

And suddenly it’s clear.

“Eliza - ” Darcie starts, reaching across the table to hold her hand.

“Don’t. It was hard enough dealing with it without you. I don’t need a repeat with an audience this time. We hung out a lot after New Year’s. He’s actually kind of awesome but then you already knew that.” She smiles sadly.

“He only came out a little while ago to Kai. It’s easy to understand, Eliza. He really is an awesome guy.” Darcie sympathises.

“How come he told you forever ago?”

“Because I was screaming at him for hitting on me.” She laughs at the memory. “He didn’t even try it on really but I flew off the handle and he blurted it out. I slapped him really hard, we hugged it out and we helped each other out of the s**t we were both in.”

“Well the whole thing kind of levelled me out. I spent so long having fun and wasting my life away with my parents’ credit card that I never stopped and saw reality.” She says softly, the weariness of a mature Elizabeth Marie Westley demonstrated all over her face. “But I did with him. I still do. I mean, we’re still friends and everything. It was awkward for a little while but I learnt that no matter what, if he turned around tomorrow and said he liked girls I would be there like a shot.”

“But that’s you. That’s not me.” Darcie tries to fight.

“Look, I know you love Josh. Believe me; I’ve been there since the beginning. I know you’re not acting when you look at him with hearts-in-your-eyes but you forget that I was there from the start with Kai too and sweetie, you don’t look at them the same. I can see how unhappy you are.”

She stares at Eliza for a good few minutes before her face collapses and the tears run in rivets down it. “I’m a terrible person, E. He’s everything I ever wanted, he’s a f*****g prince and I’m bleeding him dry.”

She pushes her hair out of her face and wipes the tears quickly before her colleagues notice.

“He’s amazing and I know that marrying him was a great option before Kai burst in with his lies and his epic speeches of love and adoration. I know that Josh is an angel. But baby, my loyalties lie with my best friend and I can’t stand to see her wasting her life away with half the happiness she deserves.” Eliza leans over to wipe away a stray tear and to brush her bangs out of her face. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Truth hurts, right?” Darcie mumbles bitterly before taking a deep breath and focussing on normality.

...

Two days later finds her sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at the door waiting for Josh to find her. He was due in five minutes ago and the anticipation is making her shake.

He strolls into the room with his jacket over his arm, ready to hang up, and his scarf loosened around his neck. He eyes her curiously as he puts his things away but he doesn’t say anything.

“Sit down?” Darcie asks. If she gives him an option not to then maybe she can escape the conversation she’s been putting off for months. Her heart sinks when he gladly complies.

They sit in silence for a while as she mulls over exactly what to say but as always, Josh is way ahead of her.

“You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” He says quietly with a hint of sadness.

Darcie can’t say anything so she falls back onto her new habit and begins to cry.

It’s hard because she does love him and she knows he’s perfect. But she will destroy him.

“Couldn’t you wait until after Thanksgiving?” He laughs bitterly. “Awful timing, Darcie. I booked our flights to Toronto last week to see my family. I thought we could tell them about the engagement properly.”

“I’m so sorry - ” She begins as she tries to explain.

“Don’t.” He cuts in. “If you’re about to tell me that it’s because of him then I’d really rather not hear it.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” She insists and it’s mostly the truth. “I was going to tell you that this really isn’t easy because I f*****g love you so much. I really, really do.”

“Then stay.” He tries, turning to her finally and grabbing her hands tightly.

“I want to.” She admits with a smile. “I want to so badly but I can’t. I’ll ruin all the good things about you because you’ll work yourself into the ground trying to make me happy.

But I can’t be completely happy when I know I’m meant to be elsewhere.”

“Is it Stamford?” He begs. “We can move. I’ll work from home, whatever you want.”

“You know I’m not talking about Stamford. Please, don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be.” She closes her eyes, already exhausted from the sadness and finality of the moment.

“I don’t know how I could possibly manage that. I mean, s**t, this is our home. What the hell am I going to do now?” He asks, leaning forward to put his head in his hands. “I love you. I want to spend forever with you. I want to wake up and see you every single day for the rest of my life. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“It counts for everything, Josh. I don’t know how many times I had to tell you I didn’t deserve you but I can’t keep dragging you down with me. You should be with someone who can love you without you having to show them how.” Darcie runs her hand over his back in a way she hopes is comforting.

But all conversations have to end somewhere. She hauls her already packed suitcase and laptop bag out of their huge closet and heads for the door. On the way she stops at the dressing table and puts her engagement ring down.

“I’ll come and get my things when I have somewhere more permanent to stay. Is that okay?” She asks carefully. Josh is still cradling his head in his hands.

“Of course it is.” He whispers. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I can sleep on the couch.” He offers for the fourth time.

“A clean break.” She says carefully. “We need a clean break.”

And then she leaves.

...

Is my old bedroom still empty? she texts Taylor as she waits for the train to New Haven.

Always, baby. Taylor replies.

...

Darcie Harrington is now single.

Hayden Brooks oh babe, i’m so sorry

Eliza Westley Call me asap.

...

After a couple of weeks with Taylor in New Haven, she eventually gathers the few things she has on her and goes to visit Eliza in Manhattan. As she passes by Stamford the urge to just go apologise and work things out with Josh is overwhelming and since when had Darcie Harrington ever settled? No. It was time to get back on track. She had folded in on herself with Josh, become too reliant on him and too broken by Kai, the only person who truly got her. Darcie never settled for anything without a damn good fight and as far as she was concerned, she hadn’t even bothered.

Now was the time.

“He lives with Hayden now. They kind of started Fifty-Fifty together and I guess they resolved their issues.” Eliza tells her as she helps her into her apartment.

“Kai Brooks can wait. I’ve come to spend quality time with my best friend in the ‘greatest-city-of-all-time’. I’m not about to kick it off dwelling on boy drama.” She grins. Her face aches almost immediately. It’s been so long since she properly smiled.

“There’s my girl.” Eliza smiles, pulling her into a hug. “Welcome to New York, baby!”

...

Darcie’s there for a week before Hayden catches wind of her presence. She’s already sick of the city but with a lack of options, she figures she can deal with it. He pops over one day unexpectedly and swoops her into a hug. He apologises for not being around after her recent break-up and immediately drags her out to his favourite little coffee shop.

“The baristas might even be better than you.” He teases as he pulls her through the doors.

“Not possible.” She grins with an over-confidence she hasn’t felt in a long while.

By the time they’ve thoroughly caught up and she’s back at Eliza’s, she almost feels like she belongs. She’s not an outsider in a world she doesn’t understand anymore. She’s with the people she loves the most in a city which " yes, overwhelms her " but welcomes her with open arms.

...

It’s January by the time Taylor visits for one wild weekend before she has to return to her studies.

“I wish I could stay with you guys forever.” She admits uncharacteristically after a few shots of tequila and half a bottle of wine one night. “It would be f*****g perfect, us three in an apartment together.”

“You’re a genius, Taylor. You’re going to do much bigger things than we can ever dream of with your brains.” Eliza jokes, pouring another shot out for them. “You don’t need us hanging around and stealing all your clever.”

“True. When I’m a big scientist or mathematician or archaeologist or whatever the f**k I want to be, I’ll look at you little people and laugh.” She slurs teasingly as she knocks back the offered glass.

“Have you spoken to Kai since you’ve been here?” Eliza asks making the conversation take a massive U-turn.

“Nope.” Darcie says with a cheerfulness betrayed by her wistful expression. “Is it about time I did?”

“Never make snap decisions when you’re drunk and easily influenced by our amazing selves,” Taylor starts. “But yes. Tomorrow. You’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“It’s only been two months since Josh.” She tries to argue.

“Okay, not tomorrow then. Talk to him on Monday. He has the day off.” Eliza smirks.

They chink the next round of tequilas and not long after pass out on Eliza’s floor not at all prepared for the oncoming hangover.

...

The hangover leaves them with a temporary amnesia and the determination for Monday flies out of the window almost as soon as dawn breaks and they wake to the sun in their eyes and shooting pains across their foreheads.

“Never drinking again.” They each say in turn over the course of a morning.

...

It’s Spring Break when Taylor is next in town and its Spring Break when Darcie bumps into Kai for the first time since she moved to the city.

...

“I didn’t know you worked here.” He says with wide-eyed surprise, watching her behind the counter in the coffee shop Hayden had shown her.

“It’s new.” She shrugs. “They let me get on with writing when it’s quiet and they do have the best coffee. I’ve heard it improved greatly recently when they hired this crazy talented barista from that far-off land called Connecticut.” She jokes and it feels good to be able to again. She’s happy and she’s comfortable and not even the appearance of Kai Brooks can bring her down.

He watches her for a moment while she fills some other customer’s order and then he smiles. He even laughs a little bit. “There you are.” He grins and her heart aches. She hasn’t seen that in a while.

...

They hang out whenever they’re free of work or friend obligations because they can’t just jump back into what they had before. It had been too long and they had changed too much. But they love each other so they’ll persevere.

...

It’s June and New York is beginning to heat up. Coats are left at home and walks though Central Park are becoming more frequent. At least for Darcie, who still feels like a tourist in a city she’s lived in for eight months.

She finds the bench she’s sat on plenty since she moved and waits, admiring the view of the bordering buildings and smiling at people as they pass.

It’s not a special day but she has a good feeling about it.

Hands cover her eyes suddenly, accompanied by a sly giggle disturbing her silence.

“Guess who?” The voice whispers in her ear.

“Albert Einstein?” She rolls her eyes and answers in monotone.

“So close, so close. While I possess all the intelligence of Mr Einstein, I am merely Kai Brooks.” He grins, sliding down next to her on the bench. “Which in my humble opinion is so much better.”

She smiles at him before shaking her head in mock-despair and turning her gaze back to the buildings surrounding them.

“How are you?” He asks cheerfully, watching people as they pass by.

“Pretty good actually.” She smiles again, marvelling at how good it feels to have an almost-permanent grin on her face. It reminds her of the days when she had nothing to worry about, only her reputation, where smiling was almost a career in itself. Easier, happier times but she wouldn’t trade how she got to where she was in that moment for anything. “I spoke to Josh yesterday. He’s moving back to Toronto with the main company.”

“Good for him, did he get a promotion?” Kai asks, genuinely interested.

“I don’t know. He said it had more to do with knowing I could be on any street at any time and he didn’t know how he would deal with that. So he got a transfer.” She says sadly but without the devastation that some might expect.

“Whatever makes him happy, right?” Kai nudges her shoulder.

“Indeed.” Darcie laughs. “So what did you want to talk about?”

Kai looks at her cautiously. He knows she can tell he’s nervous, that this isn’t easy.

“Calm down, Brooks. It can’t be that bad.” She jokes, flashing him a quick smirk.

He rummages in the pockets of his jeans before pulling out a small envelope. It’s worn down a little around the edges and the pen on the front has clearly faded. There is a small tear in one of the corners but otherwise it’s completely untouched.

“Is that - ” Darcie starts to ask.

“You told me to open it when I felt settled.” He says plainly. “That first term at Princeton, I nearly gave up and went home so many times because I missed you so much and then after we broke up, it didn’t feel right to open it. So I’ve been waiting for you to come back and for everything to be right again, for me to feel settled.”

She looks at him properly, no smirks or ridiculous jokes. She really looks and she can see that he feels almost proud of himself. But tears are swimming in her eyes, daring to fall because she can’t believe how completely stupid they’ve been. She knows exactly what is in that envelope word for word because she’s thought about it so many times, wondering how on earth they got so messed up.

“You really should have opened that when I meant for you to. You shouldn’t have taken me so literally.” She says carefully so she doesn’t break down or fly into an irrational rage.

“It was the last thing you gave me. I held onto it because I thought it might preserve us somehow.” He shrugs weakly, watching her battle with her tears with some mild confusion.

“What’s wrong?”

“You seriously should have opened that a long time ago.” She laughs bitterly. “Oh my god. You’re so stupid.”

He frowns at the insult even though he can see that she didn’t truly mean it. It was said with affection more than anything.

“I’m going to go now. You need to read that right now but I’m going to leave you alone to do it. Come and find me when you’re ready, okay?” She clutches his shoulder quickly before walking away and not bothering to wait for a response.

He watches her go until he can’t see her anymore and looks down at the envelope in his hands. “What the f**k are you?” He asked it with curiosity before impatiently tearing the flap off of the back and pulling out the contents: a simple letter on one sheet of notepaper.

...

My lovely Kai,

So I bet you’re missing me a ton right now. As expected. I am marvellous and I wouldn’t wish time without me on anyone. But you’re in love with me so I guess it’s doubly hard. Jeez. Wouldn’t want to be you! I hope Princeton has welcomed you with open arms and that you’re making excellent friends. If not, get the hell out of your dorm room and socialise you weirdo!

I’m writing this as you cart my crap out to the car before we drive down to New Haven and I kind of miss you already. Is that crazy? It’s just that I’ve spent every single day of the past god knows how many months (Four. It’s been four months. Don’t worry, I know.) with you and now we’re going to be hours apart for the next four years.

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to suck, baby. We’re going to miss each other like crazy, it’s going to drive us mad because we’re in love and people in love shouldn’t be torn apart like this. But I guess we only have ourselves to blame.

So what’s the point of this silly letter?

It’s for you to keep. Pin it on a noticeboard or use it as a bookmark " whatever. Just don’t lose it. Because we’re going to get in trouble, okay? It’s inevitable and I’m a f*****g genius so I know these things. We’re going to try really hard to make it work but college will undoubtedly get in the way. Yale’s schedule is insane and I’ll be surprised if Princeton’s is any easier. We’ll have to make time for friends and the opportunities for weekends with each other will come and go with no visits. I told you I was planning on seeing you all the time but that was because you looked so heartbroken, so distant, that I couldn’t bear to talk to you about this then.

So let me be blunt: We are going to break up. I’ll bet it happens before Christmas. It’s inevitable. We love too much and struggle to let go, we cling to each other and it will be devastating when this honeymoon that we’re in right now is taken from us. So we’ll break up, it’ll be tragic and I’ll cry a lot and you’ll probably sleep with a few hussies but I need you to promise me something, okay?

Don’t give up on me. Fight for me. Because no matter how hard it gets or how much you can’t stand the pain, all you’d have to do is click your fingers and I’ll come right back to you because I f*****g love you. We’ll need our time apart to cool down but baby, we’ll make it in the end. Promise me you’ll do that and I promise I’ll do the same.

Have an awesome week and if we’re lucky, I’ll see you this weekend. If not " well there’s always Skype, right? Positive thinking!

S**t you’re coming back in the room now. I’ll wrap this up.

I love you. 

You know how much.

Your Darcie xxx.

...

The knock at the door comes quicker than Darcie expected. She at least thought she’d have to wait a day. It’s awkward timing anyway when she’s getting the apartment ready for Taylor to spend the summer. She’ll be arriving in a week after finishing up her year at Yale. She had decided any more education would be in New York City where her friends were and not way out in New Haven where almost everyone she could stand had moved onto pastures new.

The knocking was persistent and she smirks at the thought of keeping him waiting - because she knows exactly who it is.

Later she will have to send Josh her completed manuscript with a cover letter telling him it will explain their relationship a little better than she ever could in person. She will send a letter of apology for hiding it from him and she will at least have the decency to let him know about Kai before Facebook does.

But for now there’s still someone knocking.

She flings open the door casually to see Kai standing there, the wind clearly blowing through his hair and clutching a handful of paper.

“I’m a f*****g idiot.” He says breathlessly.

“Yeah.” She says back, at a total loss for once despite the confidence she had just moments ago.

“If I’d have read this - ” He presses his fingers into his eyes. “Such an idiot.”

He punches the door frame with his frustration before taking a deep breath and looking to Darcie once more.

“None of it would have happened.” She whispers.

“None of it.” He says taking a step closer.

“But then I guess we wouldn’t have this crazy " possibly epic " moment right now, if you had.” She smirks playfully, feeling that the initial shock has worn off enough to be silly.

“You don’t know how much I want to kiss you right now.” He says desperately, chancing a glance to her lips which are still smirking at him with glee.

“At least ask a girl on a date first.” She laughs, clutching the front of his shirt with both hands and tugging him away from the front door. “I’m not a floozy.”

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her in a crushing hug, holding on for dear life as though terrified she would slip away again.

“Dinner and movie, you and me, tonight?” He whispers as he leans down towards her ear, resting the side of his head against her hair.

“Sounds perfect.” She grins, looping her arms around his back so his shirt doesn’t get too wrinkled.

“Can I kiss you now?” He asks innocently as if they’re back in high school and carefully moving through the bases.

She doesn’t answer. Instead she runs her hand through the back of his hair and pulls him away from her shoulder, pushing his head lower until she can meet his lips in a gentle touch, chaste, innocent with none of the desperation from his arrival. He pushed further and even though the kiss deepened, it remained loving and slow, languid and patient. They didn’t need to rush now. They had all the time in the world.

“I love you.” He whispers against her lips between kisses. “I always have.”

“I know.” She mumbles as she pulls back, arms entwined around his neck as his are around her waist. “We just had to grow up before we could handle it.”

“Very insightful, Miss Harrington.” Kai chuckles, resting his forehead against hers. “Spend forever with me?”

“Gladly.” She beams.

And so she does.

...

the course of true love never did run smooth " william shakespeare

...

-fin-