you can't fly these wings, you can't sleep in this box with me

let me save you, hold this rope

...

you can’t fly these wings, you can’t sleep in this box with me

Darcie decides that she must be hungry for hurt and pain as she gets a job working as a barista in that very Starbucks during her junior year. Her sophomore year passed in a blur of terrible dates, burning rituals whenever anything to do with Kai was unearthed and party weekends in Illinois with Eliza and Taylor before the last minute panic when finals rolled around and exams hit her hard, threatening to drop her GPA.

Taylor drops by frequently and pulls a chair up at the end of the counter, watching each customer intently as they are handed their drinks. It makes them uncomfortable and Darcie’s boss is none too happy about it but until a customer actually complains, he can’t really stop her.

“You know what I don’t get?” Taylor says one day as she’s stirring the straw her in frappuccino.

“What’s that?” Darcie humours her as she wipes down the counter for what feels like the hundredth time that shift alone.

“You spent most of last year and the summer between here and Evanston.” Taylor states, looking up over her sunglasses frames carefully. “But he-with-no-mentionable-name couldn’t manage the odd weekend from Princeton?”

Darcie chuckles a little, glad that at last she can laugh about it and not collapse into an inconsolable heap. “Taylor, my darling, my sweetheart, my everything, welcome to my head.”

“Do you ever wonder if the whole thing was just a continuation of his elaborate revenge scheme?” Taylor knows she’s treading on dangerous ground with this one but with over a year since the last conversation Kai and Darcie ever had, she feels like it’s almost safe to mention.

“No.” Darcie states immediately. “He was so cruel at times but he was never that bad. Even when he was supposedly trying to ruin my life he showed signs of caring and that’s how I fell in love with him. Yes sir, what can I get you today?”

She turns to the next customer when she notices Taylor’s eyes widening with happiness. She’s seen something pretty.

“Darcie, hi.” He says nervously.

It’s the guy from her lit class. The guy who asked her out in her freshman year. The guy she turned down for a strained and anti-climactic Skype conversation with her boyfriend.

“Josh, I’ve not seen you in here before.” She teases softly. “What are you having?”

“Just a latte, thanks.” He smiles, digging for his wallet.

“Oh that’s so boring.” Taylor interjects with her attention firmly back on her drink after she’s judged Josh as unworthy. “You’re in Starbucks, the ultimate heaven for coffee and you’re wasting this opportunity on a latte? Shame on you.”

“I apologise. I’m not much of a coffee drinker to be honest.” He admits with a smirk but he loses it when he turns back to Darcie.

They worked on a project together last year and despite his failed attempt at asking her out in the first year, they found they had a lot in common and got on quite well. But she knows he watches her in class sometimes and she knows he swapped around with people until he could partner with her last year. That’s why she feels uneasy when he looks at her with such intent to do something but she always throws him off.

“Is there anything else?” She tries to keep the nerves out of her voice and remain level, like she can’t see him watching her every move.

“You?”

His eyes widen dramatically and a hot flush immediately takes over his " actually quite good-looking " face. He rubs the back of his neck feverishly and looks to the ceiling with his eyes closed. “I wasn’t supposed to say that, I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not.” Taylor smirks behind her straw, suddenly very interested in the awkward exchange before her.

“Josh - ” Darcie starts but finds the words aren’t there. Her usual ‘thanks, but no thanks’ speech isn’t there.

“Go out with me. Tonight. Just one date?” She can see the hope written across his face, no more traces of his previous embarrassment.

‘Yes’ is sitting on the tip of her tongue but that fact alone shocks her into silence. Since when was she ready for this? Since when was the prospect of dating Josh not so laughable

but actually possible?

“Of course she will.” Taylor offers over Darcie’s goldfish impression.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to hear it from her.” He smiles sheepishly. “What do you say?”

“Erm " your latte is done.” She says dumbly. She puts a lid on the coffee to avoid seeing how her flippant comment had affected him but she knew she couldn’t stay like that for too long.

Would it be so bad?

He only wanted one date.

It had been well over a year since that conversation, almost two since the break up.

Surely it was time.

She grabs a coffee collar, which she knows he won’t need, and quickly scribbles her phone number onto it. She pops his latte through the middle and hands it over carefully.

“I’m busy tonight but you can call me and we can arrange it for another day?” She offers weakly. She has no other obligation for later than night other than hours dedicated to her latest paper but she feels like she can’t help but say yes in some capacity.

“Yeah, I can definitely do that.” His face almost splits into two under the strain of his grin and as they exchange their goodbyes, he leaves and Taylor turns to her with a thumbs up, she’s at least fifty-percent sure she’s done the right thing.

...

Thanksgiving creeps up on Darcie and Taylor with very little warning so the day before they’re frantically getting Eliza on a last minute plane and calling Josh to pick up a turkey. It’s the first one without drama, home visits or prior commitments and Darcie is determined to not screw it up. There’s just one issue.

“You’ve never cooked before?” Taylor stares at her in disbelief.

“Sure I have, I had mac ‘n’ cheese the other night.” Darcie insists. “I had toast the other day and I made pizza yesterday.”

“A toddler could make mac ‘n’ cheese and toast and the pizza was frozen. All you had to do was keep time.” Taylor groaned. “I can’t cook a damn turkey and I bet Little Miss Billionaire has never looked at an oven in her life.”

“No, no she hasn’t.” Darcie admits.

Eliza rolls in on Thanksgiving morning with huge sunglasses on and hair sticking in every direction.

“Where’s the alcohol?” She demands as she slumps onto the couch, arm outstretched for a glass of whatever is available.

“It’s half past ten in the morning.” Darcie states.

“I’m well aware of that, sweets, but I didn’t ask for the time.” Eliza pulls her sunglasses off to look at her best friend in disbelief.

“Here you go, m’lady.” Josh swoops in with a glass of orange juice and champagne. He sits down next to Darcie and places his hand on her knee in a manner which he assumes is comforting.

“And who might you be, handsome?” Eliza smirks, looking only at Darcie for the gossip.

“This is Josh. He’s my - ” She pauses and can feel his hand tighten on her knee slightly. “He’s my Josh.” She finishes lamely, taking a sip of her apple juice to wash away the repetitive chant of ‘idiot, moron, loser, why did you say that?’ going through her mind.

Eliza cackles slightly and Taylor almost spits her own drink out with the absurdity of Darcie’s explanation.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Darcie’s Josh. I’m Darcie’s Eliza.”

Darcie flushes under the heat of the apartment and the scrutiny from her best friend.

“The pleasure is all mine.” He insists, standing to take her hand and kiss the back of it. “I’m going to check the turkey.”

“Why are you checking the turkey?” Darcie asks with a frown. She had completely forgotten about cooking responsibilities with the drama of getting Eliza from the airport.

“Didn’t he tell you? Josh is quite the little cooking extraordinaire.” Taylor explains with a hint of admiration.

“Oh my goodness, my hero!” Darcie exclaims gratefully, jumping up to grab at his hand and kiss him softly on the cheek. “We thought we were going to have to get take-out.”

“You can’t have take-out for Thanksgiving. Surely that’s criminal?” Josh smirks, squeezing her hand a little.

“Best boyfriend ever.” She mumbles before catching herself. She immediately pulls away from him with wide eyes and a head full of confusion. “I just need to go check something.”

Before she can really think about it, Darcie is locked in her bedroom shaking her hands and taking deep breaths. She’s convinced that the pacing has to stop at some point.

“Boyfriend. I called him my boyfriend. It’s only been two months. Two months of dating. Does that mean he’s my boyfriend? Does it need a label now? S**t. S**t. S**t. F**k.”

She repeats the questions one after another like a mantra, like it will give her an answer if she just works hard enough to analyse every little detail. There’s a knock at her door and without even thinking she flings it open to see Josh " poor Josh " and his delightfully adorable and confused expression. Darcie smiles ever so slightly because she really does like this guy. He cares about her an awful lot and she knows she’s been giving him the run-around. She’s so focussed on how the day has been for Josh that she hasn’t noticed

that not once has she thought of Kai.

“Is everything okay?” He’s scared. He doesn’t want to upset her or lose her but he can’t just stand there and watch his " girlfriend? " freak out and leave him standing like an idiot while her best friends watch him with sympathy. He hears whispers of ‘Kai’ and ‘over him by now’ until he can’t stand it.

“I’m so sorry.” Apologising. Since when was she good at apologising? That’s new.

“Whatever for?” Josh asks, braving a few steps into the room and shutting the door behind him. If this goes the way he is expecting, he doesn’t want an audience.

“I called you my boyfriend and then I ran like the wind. That was stupid. It was thoughtless and idiotic and I really, really hope you don’t hate me right now.” She’s wringing her hands again and pleading, begging him to forgive her.

He smiles warmly and pulls her in for a hug, the tension leaving him almost immediately.

His pulse quickens slightly when she wraps her arms around him and squeezes him back. He’s a lot taller than her so he revels in the way she tucks her head under his chin and buries herself into him. It’s not something she has done often but he never takes the moments like these for granted.

“Don’t be sorry. We’re all so occupied these days with not putting labels on anything but I just want you to know that I really, really like you, Darcie. You’re so special to me and I want to be around for as long as you’ll have me.” He speaks into her hair and the vibration of his voice soothes her instantly. “Whether that’s as your boyfriend or just a friend or even just a study partner, it’s cool. Okay?”

When he kisses the top of her head and runs his hand up and down her back, she knows exactly what she wants. She smiles at the way his eyes crinkle in confusion as she pulls away and cups his face with her hands. Stretching on tip-toes so she’s level with his face, she drops a light, chaste kiss onto his lips.

“Josh Clark, will you do me the great, amazing and fantastic honour of being my boyfriend?” She whispers against his lips, kissing him one more time before dropping back down and looking up at him expectantly.

It’s hard not to remember the time she demanded Kai make it official, that he tell her whether he wanted to be with her or not. It’s hard not to compare but she finds that she rather enjoys the quiet calm of this moment. There is none of the drama, the chaos and heartache. It’s just simple. She likes him, he likes her and maybe they could even love each other one day. Maybe tranquil and lovely is just what she needs after the epic nature of her relationship with Kai. Maybe this one would last.

She tugs him in the direction of her bed. He knows instantly that she’s not trying to sleep with him. It’s not that kind of a moment. So they simply cuddle. As he runs his hands up and down her arm and as she squeezes him tightly around his middle with her leg crooked up over his thighs, they fall into a gentle slumber, happy in the buzz of a new relationship.

Hours later Eliza will tentatively knock at the door and explain in a less than sober manner than the kitchen is filling with thick, black smoke. Josh will jump up immediately, knocking Darcie in the face accidentally and once the fuss has died down they will gather around a charred and ruined turkey. Josh will throw his hands through his hair with despair at his first failed Thanksgiving dinner and with a fond smirk and a quick-witted comment, Taylor

will ring the nearest Chinese takeaway.

It will be the most unusual Thanksgiving Darcie will have but one of the best, surrounded by the people she loves united by a communal element of uselessness in the kitchen.

When they say what they are thankful for, Eliza will offer men as her suggestion, Taylor will blush and reluctantly say her friends, Josh will grin, throw his arm around Darcie and smother her face in kisses whilst exclaiming that she is what he is thankful for. Darcie will tell her friends that she’s thankful to have finally let go of all the baggage and that she’s thankful she’s been offered a chance to start again.

At the end of the night when they are all too inebriated from wine and cheap beer, Darcie will encourage Josh to spend the night with her. It’s only in the few minutes between being awake and being asleep that she will remember a boy she once knew called Kai but before she can consider what he might be doing, she’s fast asleep and in the arms of a boy she knows loves her.

Sometimes that’s enough.

Although she can’t help it when her mind wanders to a letter and a boy full of broken promises.

...

Kai spends most of his sophomore year in his friends apartments until they get so sick of him they encourage him to go home and fix up whatever the hell went wrong with Louise. He never expected it to be all sunshine and rainbows forever. His experience with Darcie taught him that much. But he was on the spot when she had been crying about being homeless. What person with a spare room could refuse and come out with their conscience intact? Especially when that girl was his new girlfriend.

He didn’t love her.

He knew that he never could.

Deep down he was sure Louise knew that too but maybe, just maybe she thought she could save him from the torturous memories his ex-girlfriend used to weigh him down.

She couldn’t.

He knew as soon as he met her that he could use her to finally get over Darcie because it was killing him every day they were apart. A distraction was surely the best plan. But when Louise didn’t match up to the standard Darcie had set him, problems had begun.

They broke up at a Halloween party when Louise was dancing with another guy. Kai had played the jealous boyfriend perfectly but when she accused him of never caring anyway and what reason could he give her to stop flirting with the other guy, he was speechless.

“You need to be on your own for a while because whoever she is, this ex-girlfriend that you hold on such a pedestal, she’s done a number on you and I just can’t keep fighting with that anymore. I can’t do this.” Louise had told him whilst he gawped at her still fighting for an appropriate response.

The next day he told her she could still live with him and that it didn’t have to be awkward but when weekly X-Box marathons with his friends turned into daily occurrences, there was no way it couldn’t have been. Not to mention the other beds he slept in after a few too many drinks.

It was all too easy to block Darcie from his mind temporarily but when she came back, she was lethal and he suddenly understood what kind of person he was. He reacted the same way about his father and wasted a year of his life.

...

He finds out through Facebook " some questionable online stalking which may or may not have involved hacking into his brother’s account " about Darcie dating some guy called Josh. She has changed her profile picture to one of them standing together looking mournfully at a terribly burnt turkey and he can’t help but smile.

His jealousy is overwhelming but there’s something about the picture that lets him know Darcie hasn’t gone anywhere. She may have a different man on her arm but the turkey and the playful nature of the photo is all Darcie. His Darcie.

He Googles ‘Josh Clark’ for half an hour afterwards before checking his senses and shutting the laptop down. The guy is perfect. Everything Darcie deserves.

...

New Years Eve during their junior year is the beginning of the end.

Hayden is waiting outside his apartment building in Manhattan, ready to pull Darcie and Eliza in out of the rain as soon as their cab pulls up.

They’re running late. Traffic, they said when they called but he doesn’t want to miss them. More importantly, he doesn’t want people to cross paths. His guilt is already setting in but he swallows it down as soon as he sees them arrive.

Within five minutes they’re dragging their suitcases into his " actually quite lovely as it happens " apartment and chilling out on his couches.

He’s having a party later. He invited anyone and everyone but he somehow omitted his brother’s name from the guest list when Darcie had asked for a copy the week previous. She wasn’t a stupid girl but he wasn’t stupid either. He knew that all it would take was one decent conversation and more effort than their immature freshman minds could handle and Kai and Darcie would be back together once more. His brother would be happy again.

He’s pulled from his thoughts by Darcie’s phone ringing.

“Hello?” She asks carefully. “Oh hi, babe. Yeah I got here okay. Hayden is looking after us beautifully. How is Toronto?”

Eliza looks to Hayden knowingly, with the tiniest of smirks as he watches his friend rather perplexed.

“Josh.” Eliza whispers to him and he nods, pretending that the name actually means a damn thing to him.

“I wish we could have been together too.” Darcie giggles into her phone. “I shall just have to find some other boy to make-out with at midnight.”

“She’s dating this guy?” Hayden whispers back to Eliza, a frown firmly set in place.

She tilts her head in confusion but eventually nods. Why would she forget such vital information? He’s suddenly torn between calling Kai and telling him not to come or just letting events play out naturally.

“Look, I’m being rude. I’ll call you at midnight, okay?” Darcie has a smile on her face and that’s more than Hayden has seen for a long time. Kai could only make that better, right? “Yeah, you too. Bye!”

She looks at her phone for a moment before putting it back in her bag and bringing herself back to her surroundings with a grin and a clap of the hands. “Sorry, that was rude. He was just worried about the journey.”

“You didn’t mention a boyfriend.” Hayden states. He’s trying to sound playful but it’s almost accusing when it comes out.

“It’s all over Facebook. I didn’t realise I had to make a formal announcement.” Darcie snaps back immediately on the defence.

“Guys. Chill. Drink.” Eliza calls as she appears with drinks for the three of them. “Hayden, Darcie has a very lovely, handsome boyfriend named Josh that treats her like a princess. She’s very sorry she didn’t tell you. Now, can we all drink to what should be a fantastic evening?”

Hayden eventually smiles and as they chink their glasses together, nothing could possibly go wrong.

...

“You and me? We’re so done after tonight.” Darcie spits at Hayden after a cocktail too many and a sighting of Kai.

“He’s my brother, I couldn’t not invite him.” Hayden tries to reason but he’s not even trying to defend himself. He shouldn’t have to. Their relationship ended two years previous, it should not still be this raw.

“You could have told me.”

“And then you wouldn’t have come.”

She stills her anger for a moment and sees her friend, one of her very best friends, hurting. He’s right. They never see each other because if she were to visit Courtland during the holidays, she would inevitably run into him and with travelling to Eliza at times, there was very little left in the budget for a New York adventure.

He missed her and he wasn’t alone. They missed each other desperately but isn’t that the way it works with a break up? You don’t always just lose the relationship. You lose friendships.

She leans towards him and kisses him on the forehead, pulling away with a smile. “I need some air. I’ll be on the balcony if Eliza asks.”

The air is cool out on the balcony and it no longer stifles her. In the apartment she was suffocating under the pressure of Kai’s presence but on the balcony nothing could touch her.

I will almost definitely be sober at midnight but just in case I’m not, here’s an obligatory Happy New Year text before the lines jam Taylor texts from New Haven where she is hosting a party in their apartment.

Kai is here Darcie texts back instantly needing someone on her side, someone who understands. Eliza had rendered herself beyond useless four beers ago.

Sorry, Happy New Year to you too she quickly texts afterwards so as not to seem rude.

Punch him in his overly pretty face and then make-out with the nearest individual when the ball drops. Don’t let him ruin your night. Taylor instructs.

Not sure Josh would be happy with the making out part but I am going to avoid him. Hope your party is going okay. She replies.

It’s f*****g fantastic. Don’t expect to have a bedroom when you get back. It’s now my crack den. Taylor jokes. Or at least Darcie hopes she’s joking.

“Everyone else is inside enjoying the party and Darcie Harrington is outside texting? You have to be an imposter.” A voice she recognises all too easily teases.

She spins around and almost drops her phone when she comes face to face with Kai for the first time in what feels like forever.

“Well you look the same as her so I suppose there’s the possibility that she might have grown up a little bit and that New Year parties don’t really do it for her anymore.” He’s smiling genuinely but she’s all too aware that she still hasn’t spoken.

“New Year hasn’t really held any excitement for me for a little while now. There’s something about having your heartbroken at midnight that tends to taint the whole experience.” She stumbles over her words. He at least has the grace to look to the floor with shame. “But I have a - ”

Her voice cracks a little before she can say ‘boyfriend’ and she’s filled with dread almost immediately. She’d been doing so well the past couple of months.

“I have a " I have a Josh now.” She spits out and immediately flushes with embarrassment.

“I know.” He flashes another real smile this time and his voice is soft. He knows how painful this is for both of them and it seems pointless to make it worse.

“Louise?” Darcie half-whispers and realises too late that she probably doesn’t want to know. Kai laughs and looks out over Manhattan.

“Ended ages ago. Biggest mistake I ever made.” He answers wistfully without looking over.

“Oh.” Darcie whispers and eyes the door to the apartment, wondering if she could make a quick exit before he turned back around to see her. But just as she was contemplating it, he turned completely facing her dead on.

The situation feels similar to the times when they first met, the power struggles. The way they always had to best each other and the way they hated so much until one day, Kai cracked and Darcie was the only one who cared.

They were just waiting for the other to crack.

“I saw Eliza in there. Still joined at the hip?” He asks.

“Yeah well, when you actually want to see someone you make it happen. She’s in New Haven all the time and I go to Evanston when I can.” She’s bitter, she can see how it hurts him as soon as she gets the first dig in but even though she has Josh and even though her life has moved forward without him, she can’t help but feel just how open the wound still is.

“It was never about not wanting to see you and you know it.” He knew they were never talking about Eliza, not really. He should have seen how the conversation would have come around to them. “It was everything about how painful it was to be away from you.”

“Twenty minutes to go!” Someone who has had far too much to drink calls as he runs in the street below the balcony.

“Okay.” Darcie nods. “I should go back and find Eliza. I have to call Josh in a bit too. So it was lovely to see you again and I hope you enjoy the rest of your night.”

All day Kai had let his mind run away with images of Darcie falling back into his arms and living happily ever after but her coldness, her callous responses and the way she appears to really not give a damn knocks him for six. His daydreams were delusions and for the first time in a long time he feels that he really has lost her.

“Darcie.” He says, grabbing at her wrist as she is about to go through the door.

“What?” She snaps, yanking her arm back to her side.

“Happy New Year.” He mumbles after faltering slightly. That’s not what he planned to say and from the way the fire goes out in Darcie’s eyes he knows she was expecting something else. “I hope he makes you happy.”

“He does.” She says with no flicker of emotion. He can’t read her at all. He blinks and she’s gone.

...

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” Eliza yells in Darcie’s ear, arm around her shoulders and holding on for dear life after far too much alcohol. Her legs are numb and Darcie has to take the weight.

She knows Kai is watching her, she can feel it. But for the first time since she saw him, she’s laughing and so, so happy. She’s with her best friend and it’s midnight. In a few minutes she’ll be ringing her amazing boyfriend and she’ll make crazy resolutions which involve how frequently she should visit Hayden.

“Seven! Six!” Darcie yells back in Eliza’s face and with a random fit of laughter they nearly tumble to the floor. A pair of strong hands stops them and even when Darcie turns to see Kai’s face next to them, he doesn’t let go of the grip he has on her waist.

“Five! Four! The f**k are you doing here?” Eliza frowns, trying to shove at Kai to make him go away but all she succeeds in doing is stumbling into Darcie. His grip around her waist tightens and in all the fuss she ends up facing him.

“One.” He says calmly.

The apartment erupts in cheers and bottles chinking in celebration of a brand new year but Darcie doesn’t care. She’s hyper-aware of Kai’s hand cupping her face and his hand still on her waist pulling her closer to him. He’s leaning down and as much as she knows she should stop him, she can’t find the strength to push away.

His lips meet hers hesitantly and when she doesn’t immediately stop it, he presses a little harder and moves his hand from her waist to loop around her back. He’s only acutely aware that she’s not exactly kissing back.

“Jo " Darcie, Josh.” She can hear Eliza trying to say as she steadies herself and a split-second later reality comes swimming back to her and she shoves at Kai as hard as she can.

“Get off of me.” She says through gritted teeth as he staggers backwards, gaining Hayden’s attention.

“We both know you’re meant to be with me.” Kai insists, obviously having heard Eliza’s warning too.

“No.” Darcie shakes her head. “No, you do not get to do this. Not now.”

“Darcie?” She can hear a male voice questioning but it’s one thing at a time.

“She needs to do this.” Eliza assures whoever it is, probably Hayden.

And she’s right. Her best friend is right. This has been long overdue and she’s never needed to close the door on anything like she does with this.

“You told me you were seeing someone, you were moving in with her and did I try to stop you? No. I gave you the space you needed and I let you live your life how you wanted.” Darcie jabs him in the chest to enforce her point. “The minute I’m finally ready to start dating again and you start this bullshit?”

“I told you she was the biggest mistake I ever made! I told you that!” Kai insists, throwing his arms up in resignation.

“You told me that half an hour ago! You don’t get to be jealous anymore, Kai.” She exasperated but it needs saying. “You don’t get to march in when you feel like it and just kiss me like it doesn’t matter. I loved you. God, I loved you. You were my entire world when we were together. But you didn’t want me and now I’ve moved on. Josh is an amazing boyfriend and you have no right to try and ruin that for me.”

“Darcie.” The male voice says again and places a hand on her elbow. They’ve gained quite an audience. Kai’s eyes flicker to him and he rolls his eyes. She turns around and her eyes widen in surprise. Eliza is watching Kai with a triumphant smirk. “I think you should go.”

“This is between me and Darcie. It’s got nothing to do with you.” Kai is condescending with his tone but he doesn’t care.

Darcie’s boyfriend just entered a party he is pretty sure he wasn’t invited to and is now ordering him to leave? No way.

“I think - ” Josh starts.

“Josh, no.” Darcie stops him and turns back to Kai. “Fine, don’t leave. But don’t come near me.”

Sensing the end of the drama the party gets back into swing leaving them standing alone in the middle of the room. She reaches for Josh’s hand and pulls him after her towards the balcony. It seems to be Hayden’s little secret. None of the other partygoers seem to have found it. As she pulls back the curtain to open the door she chances a quick look back at her friends. Hayden is pushing Kai in the opposite direction and Eliza is smiling at her with a double thumbs up.

As soon as they are alone, he pulls her into a hug and runs his hand over her hair.

“You’re supposed to be in Toronto.” She mumbles into his shoulder.

“And miss my first New Years Eve with my girlfriend? Miss the opportunity to kiss her at midnight?” He teases, kissing the top of her head.

“You’re a bit late for that.” She complains bitterly, squeezing him.

“I’m so sorry he did that,” Josh begins and pulls back from the hug. “But I have to ask, you really didn’t know he would be here?”

Darcie is hurt for a moment that he doesn’t trust what she had told him but when she thinks about the situation it’s fair enough that he would question it. She has gone to a party at her ex’s brother’s apartment, away from home, where he has invited everyone he loves. She should have never trusted the guest list Hayden sent her.

“I promise. Maybe it was naive of me but I seriously thought Kai was the last person I’d see tonight.” She explains and from the relief she can see in his face, she knows he believes her.

“Look, the exciting part of the night is over. I have a hotel room a few blocks from here. Eliza can crash here like you guys planned but why don’t you come with me?” Josh suggests, pushing her hair back from her face. His expression is complete and utter adoration and she can’t help but say yes.

She says goodbye to Hayden as she grabs her things, ignoring the way Kai is watching her every move. Josh is by her side like a bodyguard, ready to pounce should Kai even flinch in their direction. She tried to explain to an extremely intoxicated Eliza what she’s doing but almost as soon as she’s finished her sentence, her best friend is attaching herself to the neck of the nearest guy and not paying her the slightest bit of interest.

...

I’m sorry. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. It’s just hard to still love you so much when you’re so happy with him. Kai texts her and she receives it when she’s in the hotel lobby, waiting for the elevator to arrive.

If she were in her room in New Haven, completely alone with only The Notebook for company, she would be a sobbing wreck over it.

But she’s in New York City with a guy who would circumnavigate the world in a day if he thought it would make her happy.

Almost as soon as they enter the elevator she pins him against the wall and pulls his head down into a deep, desperate and longing kiss. For the first time she takes charge and as she swipes her tongue against his bottom lip, she reaches down to cup him through his trousers. The gasp he involuntarily lets out is the perfect reaction. It’s what she wants.

Later she will straddle him on his unnecessarily large hotel bed as she kisses up and down his body, remembering every sensitive point and exactly how he reacts. She will kiss him as he enters her and tears will prick the corner of her eyes as they finish when she realises that she just slept with her boyfriend for the first time with the face of her ex-boyfriend at the very front of her mind.

Not that she will ever tell him.

...

Kai crashes out on his brother’s bed with a bottle of vodka slipping from his grasp and Eliza’s arm thrown over his waist.

Hayden watches them curiously, pondering whether it was the right night to come out to his brother.

...

“Thank you.” Josh whispers as they wake the next morning, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“What for?” Darcie asks hoping that he isn’t about to thank her for finally putting out.

“Choosing me.”

She struggles to hold back a gasp as a sharp pain " similar to only what she’d imagine a knife to feel like " shoots through her.

“No problem.” Her voice is broken and it feels like a lie.

“I love you.” He whispers into the back of her neck and nuzzles there for a moment.

She begins to cry silently and kisses the arm which her head has been using as a pillow all night.

“Yeah, I know.”

She can learn to love him.