if i ever leave i could learn to miss you

let me save you, hold this rope

...

if i ever leave i could learn to miss you

She looks at him with an unusual shyness that she hasn’t encountered before.

He looks back at her with inquisitive eyes, desperately roaming into hers to gauge any idea of where this conversation will take them.

Her hands are trembling as she passes the envelope over. He doesn’t even need to open it, he can see the stamp printed bold as brass across the front. As he looks up she tries not to see the disappointment in his eyes.

“Yale.” He murmurs as he passes his own envelope over to her. “It’s what you’ve always wanted.”

She feels her heart break as she looks to his envelope, understanding his disappointment and trepidation in even having the conversation to begin with. He had to know " surely he had always known that this was how it would be?

“Princeton.” She whispers, afraid of speaking in case her voice cracks and betrays the confidence she so desperately needs to show.

He watches her carefully and she can almost hear his thoughts whirring away as he searches for the appropriate next sentence. It’s tragic because he always knows what to say, she thinks.

“New Jersey isn’t even that - ” He tries to say but his voice just withers and dies. “I’m sure there’s a train or something.”

“Kai.” She doesn’t question, she doesn’t sympathise. She says his name like a statement and reaches for his hand.

“I mean they’re in almost neighbouring states, this shouldn’t feel so - ” As he speaks he reaches a higher pitch and squeezes her hand hard as if afraid to ever let go.

“Kai.” She says again, still not a question. “Stop it. We’ll make this work.”

His eyes glance up to meet hers, his question and insecurities screaming their way out: Are you sure?

“We’ll make this work. We have to.” She remains defiant and refuses to crumble under the weight of this new realisation.

He nods in agreement but he’s not too sure why. “Why?” So he asks.

“Because I’m in love with you and we’re damn lucky that we’re so close. We could be opposite sides of the country so we need to be grateful for what we do have and not drown ourselves in what we don’t.”

He tries so hard to focus on what she is saying because he knows deep down that she is right, that compared to other horror stories he has heard, they stand more of a chance than anyone. But his brain lingers on her first sentence. It’s inappropriately timed and he should be agreeing with her reasoning wholeheartedly by now but he can only muster the smallest of smiles and look right at her.

She’s flushing slightly with the reality of her confession and what isn’t happening afterwards. Her hair is a little wild under the anticipation of this moment but her eyes are stone cold with fear, betraying her cool exterior and proving just how sincere she is about her feelings.

“Hey.” He tugs on her hand gently until she meets his eyes and the tension withers slightly. “I’m in love with you.”

He never thought this would be the way they admitted it. He assumed that it would be romantic, in the throes of passion or at a much more sentimental point than the moment when they realised they were to be ripped apart but it was strangely perfect. He was adamant that no ‘I love you too’ would pass his lips. It was a cheap response, over-used and almost cold how it so easily agreed with the obvious ‘I love you’ whether it was true or not. It was a potentially easy lie to slip into and he was so sure he could never do that to anyone. He couldn’t do that to Darcie.

He pulls her close as she lets the envelope slip from her hands. It lies discarded, almost forgotten next to them as he cradles her gently, rocking her ever so slightly. She wraps her arms around him and rests her chin on his shoulder, releasing the breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

“We’ll be fine.” He reassures her, whispering into her hair. He inhales and loses himself briefly in the scent of her shampoo and perfume, mixing to create one of his new-found weaknesses. “Everything will slot into place and we’ll be better than we’ve ever been.”

He kisses her neck exactly where he knows she likes it and holds her a little tighter, both of them ignoring the pang in their hearts which tells them just how uncertain the situation really is. High school romances don’t last.

...

The air is thick throughout summer but not because of the unexpected stifling heat or overwhelming number of heat-waves. It is thick with the tension, with the uncertainty that comes with the next big step but mostly with the lack of communication. Kai knows he has to push Darcie to talk to him, to formulate some kind of schedule but his attempts are in vain and he can feel them breaking before they even try.

“So do you think you’ll be home before Thanksgiving?” He asks tentatively as she begins packing her winter clothes into boxes. Half of her room is packed away ready for her move the next week. He hasn’t even begun to think about any of it.

“I’m not even there yet.” She teases, brushing her bangs away from her face and fanning herself with the nearest ‘Good Luck!’ card she can find. Her relatives were useless when she needed them but they knew how to send the generic card and well-wishes so as not to seem completely disinterested. “Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll bother with Thanksgiving.” She mumbles, trying to let it slip by without his notice.

“Why not?” He asks, louder than before and less careful with how he holds himself back all the time these days.

“I don’t have anything to come back for.” She admits so freely, so easily as though it’s not tearing her boyfriend into pieces to hear her disregard him.

He tries to think of a reasonable and calm response but the second he opens his mouth, his voice betrays him. “Not even me?” He croaks.

“What do you mean?” She’s exasperated and clearly bored of the conversation already, throwing a sweater into the nearest box and turning with her hands firmly attached to her hips.

He almost gives up. He’s spent his whole summer doing just that and letting these moments pass right by but with only a week left, he knows it can’t go on like this. He was once the elusive one, the one who was so willing to bring her world crashing down until it fell to pieces all by itself. He had been the one to reject her again and again and hold all his grudges against her but somewhere in the middle of it all she had become his whole world. They had already had so little time together. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try now.

“You have me, Darcie. Is there really nothing to come back for?” He hates how weak and pained he sounds but she had surely heard every facet to his emotions by now.

“But I don’t need to wait for Thanksgiving for you.” She appears genuinely confused, tilting her head to the side like a confused puppy and suddenly all he wants is to pick her up and hold her until she squirms, ready for freedom but loving him all the same.

He raises his eyebrows in surprise and she notices. He’s not sure he understands but a nagging voice in his head is reminding him of how stupid he is every time he doubts her.

She glides towards him where he sits on her bed. She climbs onto his lap, a knee either side of his thighs and her arms tangled behind his neck. “We’re only two or three hours apart.” She states but he already knows this. “It’s not like you’ve vanished to Illinois like my so-called best friend. You’re so close I’ll be able to tell when you’ve not showered.” She jokes, pulling an arm back to poke him on the end of his nose. He can’t help but close his eyes and smile, trying not to show his shame.

“So what are you saying?” He looks up at her now, everything wishing for the right answer and finally he feels confident he will get it.

“I thought we’d alternate weekends and figure out a schedule for mid-terms and finals when they come up. We are on the same page here, right?” Suddenly the tables and turned and he almost enjoys that she’s the uncertain one. He can’t revel in it for too long though as he quickly realises that she’s never been afraid to voice her concerns. He really should never have doubted her.

“We’re absolutely on the same page.” He beams up at her. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“You were testing me?” She teases, squeezing her legs against his slightly. He runs his hands up her sides before folding them around her and pulling her close, resting his forehead on her shoulder.

“Nope.” He grins. “I never doubted you for a second.” He lies so easily and from the flicker of concern in her eyes, he’s positive she knows. But he can’t bring himself to have that conversation today. Some things can wait.

The following week he drives Darcie and her belongings down to New Haven, moves her into her dorm and when she begs him to stay just one night before driving back, his heart breaks a little. He knows he has an early flight and this is her trying to hold onto him for as long as he can. She cries a little when announces he has to leave and as he grabs her face and gives her his last, desperate and most loving of kisses she wipes the tear that falls down his face discreetly.

“I love you.” He whispers as he leans down to meet her forehead.

“I love you more.” She laughs, pulling him closer. She slips something into his back pocket before patting it and pulling away. “But you have to go now before this becomes unbearable. Don’t open that until you get there and you’re settled.” She instructs pointing in the direction of his jeans.

“I’ll call you and I’ll be back as soon as you want me, okay?” He smoothes down her hair and trails his hand down her arm until they are joined only by their fingertips.

Her face screws up with fresh tears and despite knowing this isn’t how he wants to remember her, he can’t help but love how honest she is with her feelings.

“Don’t you ever forget how much I love you, Kai.” She tells him with a fierce edge to her tone, clutching at his hand and pulling him towards her. They collide in one final, messy and quick kiss before she literally shoves him out of the door and slams it in his face.

He won’t ever tell her how he stands there for at least five minutes listening to how hard she cries on the other side.

...

She calls him on Skype three days after he moves in at Princeton but there’s no answer.

...

How are you settling in? she texts on the fourth day. She waits until she falls asleep but there’s no response.

...

He returns to his dorm room on the fifth day to find seven missed calls and one blank voicemail. He tries to call back instantly but her phone goes straight to voicemail and he doesn’t have the energy to leave a message. He’ll text her tomorrow.

...

Three weeks later and they’ve exchanged three Skype calls, four text message conversations and a couple of late-night phone calls whereby they share their agonising work load, social obligations with new friends and societies and complain about which professors already have it in for them.

They sign off their calls with an obligatory ‘I love you’ each but it’s beginning to lose its sparkle.

For Darcie, a boy in her lit class is beginning to show his sparkle.

...

“A guy asked me out today.” She casually drops into a phone call they’ve managed to schedule in around hectic homework, project and campus priorities. “He says he’s liked me for a while which is kind of strange because I’m pretty sure I’ve never spoken to him.”

The pause and careful breathing at the other end of the line doesn’t escape her notice.

“What did you say?” He asks.

“I told him that while I found his confession flattering, I had Zac Efron 2.0 waiting for me at a much-lesser college called Princeton, which he might have heard of, and that my attentions would not be needed elsewhere.”

He laughs a little at her Princeton dig, flickers of the Darcie he first met " snobbish, arrogant and rude " were still there and happy to tear people down that crossed her.

“Please tell me you didn’t really tell the poor guy I was Zac Efron 2.0?” He groans, hating the comparison she so frequently comments on.

“Of course not. I think me turning him down was enough of a blow to his self-esteem. I couldn’t bring myself to shatter his hope even more by letting him know just how hot my boyfriend is. That would be cruel.” She smirks. “I kind of wish my super-hot boyfriend was here though, so I could flaunt him in front of all these potential suitors.”

“Darcie - ” He starts, not wanting to repeat the conversation again.

“I know, I know. You can’t get away. But I can. I have a long weekend this weekend, let me come and see you?” She was not beyond begging. It had been six weeks and the closest she had been to seeing him had been their quick Skype conversations. “I’ll be quiet as a mouse and your friends won’t even know I’m there. Please?”

“I have to go back home this weekend.” He says quietly and she can practically hear the wince in his voice, the pain it causes him to admit it. There could only be one reason but she can’t stand to hear it.

But she is a glutton for punishment.

“Can I come with you?” She asks tentatively, already knowing the answer.

“I’m visiting my dad. I’d love for you two to meet but - ” He trails off.

“You’re seeing him for the whole weekend? All of Saturday and Sunday?” She asks through gritted teeth. It’s not fair to demand his time away from his dad but old grudges die hard.

“Don’t do this.” He sounds weary and she knows it’s her fault.

“I have to go. Talk to you later.” She says quickly and coldly, hanging up the phone and then throwing it across the room with a scream.

Her roommate glances up at her with a questioning raised eyebrow.

Darcie has no response so instead she crumbles. She pulls her knees to her chest and begins to cry. She hasn’t cried over the situation at all but after six weeks of stress, worry, mixed feelings and boys who just won’t stop tempting her it all comes to a head over his damn father who should not ever be a reason to hold them apart.

Taylor, the roommate, pulls out her iPod headphones and trudges from the room dragging her feet as she goes. She returns two minutes later with a condescending pat on the back, a reassuring ‘there, there’ and a pint of ice cream. Darcie looks up at her through watery eyes and begins to laugh suddenly grateful for good friends. She decides then that limiting herself to Eliza and Kai when there are people like Taylor around is ridiculous. Everybody needs friends and especially when their boyfriend is being an idiot.

...

Another six weeks creeps past. The phone calls are less frequent, Skype is on the verge of being uninstalled and the texts are limited to ‘goodnight x’ or ‘good morning x’. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Darcie knows she has to go back to Courtland. There would be nothing there but at least there would be a few days with her boyfriend. Maybe they could start anew.

Are we still in love? arrives cryptically at her phone the day before she is due to return to Courtland. It’s supposed to be a big surprise. She’s planning on showing up at his house since Facebook told her he was definitely already there. Her heart aches when she realises that he never even told her.

Is that a trick question? she replies and instantly knows it’s the wrong answer.

Her fear is confirmed when he doesn’t reply.

...

As she pulls into the Brooks’ drive, Hayden is already waiting with a smile and open arms. She almost sprints towards him and holds him tight as he picks her up and spins her around.

“Hey stranger.” He says quietly, right next to her ear. “How’s it going?”

He finally puts her down and she flashes him a grimace and a ‘so-so’ hand gesture.

“He’s really missed you, y’know?” He offers with a facial expression which is just screaming that he wasn’t allowed to say that.

“If he missed me so much he should have called to let me know he was home.” She responds bitterly, turning away from Hayden to calm the tears which are beginning to collect in the corners of her eyes.

“Oh, babe.” He fusses, pulling her into a friendly hug. “You’re both morons. Go and talk to him.”

She clutches at his hand as she walks past and flashes a thankful smile before walking through the front door and heading straight to the stairs. He’s asleep when she finally reaches his room and she can’t help but smile. She’s never been able to resist him when he looks so peaceful.

She drops her bag, shuts the bedroom door, kicks off her shoes and climbs carefully onto the king-size bed next to him. He’s sprawled out like a starfish so it’s easy to curl into his side and use his chest as a pillow. Before she can think about it, the drive back has caught up with her and she’s falling asleep alongside him.

It feels like a lifetime has passed when she’s woken to someone brushing her hair back and stroking her cheek. She smiles as she turns onto her side and sees Kai with his arm bent under his head, soothing her without a single word.

“Of course we’re still in love, silly.” She says softly, wrapping her free arm around his waist and gently pulling him closer.

He doesn’t say anything but the relief is evident when his face automatically relaxes. He pauses stroking her cheek to lean in and press the most chaste and gentle of kisses to her lips. As he wraps his arms around her and holds her just as tight, he whispers to go back to sleep and neither of them try to resist.

...

They break up some time between Christmas and New Year because for Kai the three hours is just too much to handle. He’s hurting too much.

Darcie can’t help but wonder if he read the letter she left him with when she moved to Yale.

...

“I don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight.” Darcie sobs pathetically down the phone half an hour before the clock will strike twelve and Kai can tell that she’s had far too much to drink in a short space of time.

“Delete my number. It makes it easier.” He orders and hangs up before he finds himself in tears and drinking away the pain too.

...

Taylor is the one who eventually changes Darcie’s Facebook status to ‘Single’ and she is the first one with the ice-cream, the sad movies and terrible advice when Darcie cries the whole week.

Kai deletes his Facebook altogether.

...

“I’ve a good mind to go down to Princeton right now and knock that son-of-a-b***h to next week.” Eliza rages around Darcie’s dorm room while Taylor watches, amusement dancing in her eyes.

“Calm down, Elizabeth. I’m over it. It’s done.” Darcie says and her tone demands that her point be final.

“Don’t call me that. I just hate seeing you so down. I really thought you two would be around forever.” She says quietly, sitting on the end of the bed and rubbing Darcie’s knee in what is supposed to be a comforting manner.

“Well you were wrong. How is Northwestern? Is Megan okay?” Darcie changes the conversation. Eliza rolls her eyes and Taylor shrugs in defeat but she answers her questions anyway with gossip that Darcie doesn’t care for but it’s comforting that at least some things from Courtland remain constant and forever.

...

By the time Spring Break rolls around she’s almost forgotten how much it hurts. She’s changed his name in her phone to something random so that when she’s drunk and upset, she won’t be able to find his number. As she packs up her things to go to California for the week with Eliza, she glances back at her laptop and the billing screen which is open to buy tickets to Princeton, but with a final deep breath and a zip of her suitcase, she clicks the ‘x’ and shuts the screen down. She can do this.

Eliza helps put her things in the back of the hired car before taking off, breaking speed limits all over the place, to make their plane on time.

“You’re going to get him out of your system this week.” She promises as they take their seats and get ready for take-off.

It’s a week of sun, sea, sand and cocktails as Eliza drags her through as many Hollywood parties as she can get her name on blagging free drinks from unsuspecting men all the way. Darcie meets a guy from Boston who goes to Harvard and before she can control it, she senses his wealth and her old habits slip back into play. She brags about her huge mansion in Courtland Park, her education at Ferrier and omits the part where she got a scholarship to Yale because her mom couldn’t afford it. She gloats about her false merits and achievements. It’s fake but she’s in California and she’ll probably never see him again.

He asks if she’s seeing anyone and for the first time since Christmas it doesn’t ache every time she says ‘No, I’m not seeing anyone’.

In a haze of cocktails she can’t even bring herself to be perplexed by a text from a guy named Ian simply hoping she’s having a fantastic week with Eliza. She’s pretty sure she doesn’t know an Ian but after her third Cosmopolitan, she doesn’t remember changing Kai’s name in her phone to something so bland.

...

Kai spends Spring Break setting up a new Facebook account and deliberating over whether or not he should add his ex-girlfriend. When he sees what a great time she’s having with her best friend in a state many, many miles away he closes the box to add as a friend and thinks it’s best if he leaves her be. She’s better off without his drama.

...

By the time summer rolls back around and he hears from Hayden that she’s no longer living in Courtland, his panic is enough to make his brother laugh hysterically and explain through gasping breaths that she lives in New Haven full time now. He stays up all night deciding whether or not to jump in his car and drive around until he finds her but his brain kicks in, he remembers his life now and instead he settles for a simple friend request on Facebook. He has to tell her but it can’t be under reckless, spontaneous circumstances.

...

Two days later she accepts.

Taylor berates her privately in the safety of their new, shared apartment.

Eliza is less concerned with proprietary and leaves a string of comments which are offensive to both Darcie and Kai.

Darcie can’t bring herself to feel hurt and instead laughs at her friend’s insanity, going through and clicking ‘Like’ on every single comment just to wind her up even more.

Kai Brooks Any good coffee places near Yale?

appears on her wall the next day and even though she’s more than comfortable with her situation, she’s ashamed of how her heart skips a beat at the sight of his name alone.

Darcie Harrington I can think of a few. Why?

It takes three excruciatingly long days for him to explain.

Kai Brooks I’m in New Haven this weekend. You free?

She freezes in her tracks when the notification pops up and almost loses all her pride and dignity as she holds in a scream and instead dances around in front of her laptop. She hates to feel so desperate for him but she knows he has no reason to be down there unless he wanted to see her. He has no other reason.

She runs into the living room and leaps on the couch next to Taylor with a wide grin and a lighter heart.

“What’s up?” She asks monotonously, refusing to look away from the television.

Where Darcie was all energy, excitement and enthusiasm, Taylor was the total opposite. She spoke in small sentences, wore clothes from the men’s department sometimes and dragged her feet when she walked.

“Kai is in New Haven this weekend?” Darcie tries the nonchalant approach but when Taylor turns to her with a single raised eyebrow and a small amount of interest, the nervous giggle breaks free and she begins to play with the ends of her hair.

“Why?” Taylor asks.

“He just said he’s around and asked to meet up for coffee.” Darcie explains, deliberately looking away from her flatmate so she can’t see the concern which immediately shows.

“Just - ” She begins but shakes her head and looks towards the television again.

“Just what?” Darcie asks trying to keep the edge out of her tone.

“Just be careful. It’s been seven months, anything could have happened and I think you should prepare yourself to want everything but expect nothing.”

“I don’t even want him anymore.” Darcie lies. “What if I just want to be friends?”

Taylor rolls her eyes and turns the television up louder. Just as Darcie is about to leave her alone, she hands over her phone which is already dialling Eliza. “You might listen if you hear it from her.” Taylor mumbles.

Darcie takes the phone and feels guilty for knowing that she’s right. She’s lived with Taylor for a year and she has always been so intuitive, always knows how to help, but when it comes down to the serious stuff it’s only ever been Eliza who truly made sense.

She smiles in thanks and goes to her room, ready for the onslaught of her best friend berating her reckless decisions.

...

Four hours later leaves her with a calm best friend in Illinois, Taylor happily cooking them dinner and Darcie staring at her Facebook page, fingers hovering over the keyboard and not having a clue how to respond.

Darcie Harrington Yep, I have a few hours on Saturday. There’s a Starbucks on campus. Call me when you’re here and I’ll meet you.

It sounds enough like she doesn’t care but at the same time she’s pleased with how she references their familiarity with each other.

He doesn’t reply but she spends Saturday sitting on her bed, clutching her phone tightly and pretending she isn’t desperate to see him.

Taylor rolls her eyes, exhales deeply and says she’ll be back tomorrow because she won’t be able to sleep with all the get-back-together sex going on in the room next door.

...

The smell of coffee hangs in the air, stale and fresh at the same time. He knows he will forever associate this with what he is about to do. Every coffee shop he walks into from now on will jolt him to this moment in time and suddenly he doesn’t want to be there anymore. He picks up his bag and stands, ready to leave, when he sees her. Darcie is hurriedly crossing the road wearing one of her favourite dresses which is probably a year out of date. He hates the pride he suddenly feels in knowing how far she has come, how little she cares about those things now.

Just as he remembers that he was leaving, she brings him back to reality when she’s standing in front of him, wringing her hands and her mouth quivering unsure if she should smile or cry.

He’s faintly aware of the song playing in the background and he nearly smiles bitterly with the irony. Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking.

i’ve got this feeling that there’s something that i’ve missed

“Sit down.” He gestures to the chair opposite and puts his bag back on the floor.

“Do you want a drink, I don’t mind buying?” Darcie offers.

Their exchange so far has been awkward. For so long there were hello kisses, goodbye kisses, hugs and terms of endearment. There had been nothing for so long that it was impossible to know how things would be now.

“I have one.” He gestures in front of him with a nervous chuckle. She nods with surprise from not noticing before. “I would have got you something but I didn’t know what you’d drink. We never really went for coffee.”

She smiles knowing it’s true and forgives him instantly. The level of want she feels for him in that moment is terrifying and she’s sure she’s not alone.

i could do most anything to you

“So how come you’re in New Haven? It’s a bit out of the woods for you on a weekend drive.” Darcie tries to flash him a knowing smile and if she were any braver he knew she’d accompany it with a wink but it just fills him with guilt, shame and the weight of his reason to visit is almost. He has to shift it.

“I have some news.” He eventually stutters out between sips of his coffee. “I’m moving back to Princeton in a couple of weeks. I’ve found an apartment. Courtland has too many memories, you know?” He winces when he sees the flash in her eyes. She’s not a stupid girl. Many thought she was and had written her off as relying on her daddy to get her places but she got to Yale on her own merit and it hurts to see her eyes harden and her old persona take over. It’s just a defence mechanism, he knows this " he knows her, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach.

“Are you leaving forever?” She asks, her voice no longer holding the optimism it had a moment ago.

“Didn’t you?” He fires back. “You weren’t going to tell me you were staying here?”

“It’s not the same is it? Yale is thirty minutes from home. Princeton is nearer to four hours.” She snaps.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He mumbles into the lip of his coffee cup. Darcie has to turn away before she thinks too hard about what would happen if she just leant over to kiss him.

“So is this goodbye or was there something else?” She asks, gentler this time. He hates to see the tiny amount of hope in her expression because he’s about to kill it stone dead.

“I’m not getting a place by myself, Darcie.” He starts, ignoring the frown creeping into her forehead. “I’ve met someone.”

She swears she feels her heart stop for a good thirty seconds with complete despair. It’s physically impossible that she would still be alive and well at that table but she can feel no other explanation for it because she’s not going to admit that it’s heartbreak. She wants to get up and walk away, write him out of her life and start again. But she’s rooted to the spot.

you can’t leave

“You’ve waited this long to tell me you’ve moved on?” She’s trying to be Darcie Harrington but her voice just won’t go any louder than the whisper she’s forcing out.

“It’s not exactly been any easier for me.” He says, reaching across the table to try and hold her hand but she’s too quick and jerks away from him like he’s contagious. It stings more than he wants to admit.

“I never understood why you broke up with me.” She finally says. She’s been holding onto it for seven months and maybe with an answer she can finally get out of her own personal limbo. “We were so happy. I came home on Thanksgiving for you and I told you I was still in love with you. You threw that away a few weeks later and you never explained why.”

He takes a deep breath and settles back into his seat. He’s always owed her this but he’s never been brave enough. This conversation would signal the end of all things.

“We weren’t happy.” He says carefully. “Before we left we said we’d see each other all the time. I was clinging to that so tightly but when it became obvious just how much work there was, how out of sync our schedules were and how damn impossible it was to fit in a phone call, I knew I wasn’t seeing you until the holidays.”

She can feel her eyes filling with tears but hurriedly blinks them away, refusing to be the one who cracks first.

“That’s why I had to check, I had to make sure that I still had you before Thanksgiving kicked off because as far as I knew, you weren’t coming home. You said that back in August. But waking up and seeing you there? I have never felt so happy.” He continues. “But don’t you understand? I had you then and I had you all over Christmas. After all that, how could I go back and go another semester like we had before? I don’t think you know how much it was killing me.”

i am scared, i’m so scared

“No you’re right. It was a walk in the park for me.” It’s petty. She knows it’s petty but there’s nothing else to be in a situation where you feel like you’re drowning. “When did you meet her?”

She probably doesn’t want to know. She wants to lock down this conversation into a vault in her mind and continue through life making tiny amounts of progress without him. It’s almost pathetic that an eight-month relationship has taken fifteen months of her life away from her and she still can’t let go.

“Just after spring break.” He admits easily. “I know it seems fast to be moving in but she was left by her flatmate and needed somewhere. It just made sense.”

She wants to tell him that it’s okay and that he doesn’t need to explain but she can already taste the bile and her palms have started sweating. It’s too late to start making him feel better.

“For over a year now my life has been all about you. Tell me what to do now.” She begs, taking slow and deep breaths to calm the nausea before she throws up all over the table between them. The last barrier before it all falls down.

He stares at her for a long time, his face crumbling with the weight of how final this moment is. 

“I’m so sorry.” He says gently, reaching once more for her hand. This time she lets him and he squeezes so hard she thinks her knuckles might crack.

But she pulls away with a tiny smile, picks up her bag and leaves the coffee shop without a single word. She holds it all in until she’s back in the comfort of her bedroom and then she tries so hard to let it all out. She tries to scream until her throat is torn, to cry until her eyes are bone dry, to be sick until her stomach is empty. To no avail.

She’s numb.

Author's Note

Courtland is a made-up town in Connecticut. I imagine it to be right in the middle between Bridgeport and Hartford.