Caged

A story about a hungry fox.

Caged




The fox crept silently on the stone flooring. He took extra care to make sure his little paws didn't touch the ground loudly. The two-legged creatures and their loud squawks were only a small nuisance compared to what he was going to catch. Nothing mattered except the chicken sitting on a barrel in the distance.

Unstoppable, the fox slipped his way through shaking legs and cracks in between buildings. Closer and closer he became to his prey. He already tasted the sweetness of fresh blood, felt the small crunch of bone splitting in a watering mouth, and smelled the fear of his prey in the last moment.

Now, the fox was close enough to the chicken to pounce. He crouched low, preparing a quick jump for the bird. Keeping his eyes on the chicken he began to propel himself into the air.

Bang!

He whipped around to face a huge, burly two-legged creature. On the bottom of its leering face, a fuzz of dark hair beamed down threateningly. His forearms crossed against his chest in powerful  manner. The most frightening piece of all was the metal, rectangular box at his feet. An open flap invited the fox in, but he knew better.

Nervously, the fox quickly stepped backwards away from the creature and its box.The ground became uneven and changed from cool stone to harsh metal bars. His tail slapped the end  of another metal box. Before he could escape, a flap sliced through the air, and landed neatly, barring the way out.

The last thing the fox  saw as the two-legged creature lifted him into the air was a flash of white dashing into the crowd.

Author's Note

Keep a look out for grammar and tell me what you think of the story.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I love stories told from an animal's point of view. Having lived with animals all my life, I can say, you've done a great job of painting a realistic portrayal of the fox's perspective. I got a little hung up on the idea of this little fox jumping up so high that he could pounce on a chicken upon a barrel. Seemed less than feasible. ALso, I didn't get the very last flash of white. But all in all, your little vignette flows nicely & has a perfect pace.

2nd P: "Closer and closer he became to his prey." -- the words "became to" sound wrong here. "Came toward" would work, but it's pretty generic. Try something more expressive like "slunk toward" or "crept toward".

[steppenwolf]

Hello Elizabeth: I'm new here. I just sent you a message about not being able to navigate this group but I figured it out. Nice to meet you. I really like your story. Your grammar is fine, I see no problems. I like your story, first of all, because I like foxes and stories about animals. I also like your style. You have a clear, almost child-like way (this is not an insult!) of presenting the story. I'm going to read more of your work. Steppenwolf.