Chapter 5

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

CHAPTER FIVE

 

The warm rays of sunlight kissed my skin through the curtains that hung on a large window beside the bed.

Dust particles danced before my eyes and I watched them. Watched how they moved together under one ray of light�"watched how nothing in the world could stop their path.

I didn’t want anything to. They deserved their dance.

“Morning.” His voice was soft in my ear while his hands barely touched the skin of my arm.

“Hey you.” I rolled over to look into the eyes I knew so well, but there was something different about them. Black. No, he had chocolate eyes. Ones I would stare into at all hours of the day.

“I can’t believe last night…”

“What?”

“Last night. It was so wild.”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“You remember, baby?”

“N-No. We haven’t seen each other for months. You and I�"we’ve”

“You’ve been staying with me, remember?”

“No. You’re wrong.”

“I’m right. We ran, on your birthday�"we ran.”

“You never came for me.”

He leaned away from me. Our eyes locked. “Yes, I did. I broke you out of that house, away from your family so we could be together. You screamed at them while we left, you were anxious the entire ride here. Worrying about if they called the law or that we weren’t really free.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“All that matters is that you’re here with me now. Don’t worry about remembering, it’ll come to you when you’re ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“To accept that we don’t have to hide this anymore. We don’t have to lie or run. It’s just you and me.”

“You and me…”

“Right. Now come here.” He pulled me close, his lips just inches from my own. “I love you, Ali.”

“I love you too, Bryce.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Since you don’t remember last night, apparently, we went and got everything out of my room at my Dad’s place. It was wild, he was screaming and yelling. Threw something at you, remember?” I just laid still, listening to the soothing rhythmic tone of his voice. “I went back and faced him. For you. I went and told him off. That’s where he hurt me, remember?”

His fingers caressed my cheek�"but it wasn’t his touch. I scooted back, eyes wide.        

“You okay?” his voice was soft again, but not his own. This was not Bryce. “Ali?”

I gasped as his face began to distort, his features not his own.

“Ali, come here. It’s just me. Stop acting so afraid.” I pushed on his chest, trying to put as much space between his body and mine as possible.

“Get away from me, Get away!”

 

My body hit the ground with a loud thud�"the force of the fall knocking the breath right out of me.

“What was that?”

“Are you okay?”

“Where did it come from?”

“I think it was Alice.”

“Alice, you okay?”

“Shut up! I’m trying to sleep.”

“Alice…”

“The knew girl? Probably tried to kill herself.”

“Oh my gosh, she looks like the type right?”

“Right?”

“Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself before you find your prized beautiful long hair cut off.”

“You wouldn’t dar-“

“Yeah? Wanna bet?”

The voice defending me was familiar.

“You okay?” Maurice peeked her head through the opening of my ‘bedroom’ curtain. “Don’t pay any mind to them, they wouldn’t know love if it hit them in the face with a big red convertible.”

“They’d only notice the car.” We said in unison.

Since the night we had spent together in the shower, her holding me and not minding the tears that covered my skin�"which was three and a half weeks ago. We hadn’t left each other’s side since. Unless it was time for bed and even then I kept thinking of what all we had done or talking about during the day. She did the same. I talked her into sharing that little detail the other day during physical education.

“Did you fall off your bed?” her eyes ran over the mass amount of covers that were twisted around my frame�"that apparently�"I had taken with me when I had fallen.

“Yeah, bad dream.”

“You could totally pass as an ice cream scoop right now.”

“Shut up.” I grabbed the pillow off of my bed and threw it in her direction. It had barely hit her shoulder as she dodged it and left.

I was alone again. Just me, myself and I. No one around to see me, no one there to talk to.

I’ve never given much thought to depression. Never imagined myself in this state of mind or even the slightest bit a danger to myself.

Myself.

I had been so overwhelmed with despair and all focused on what it’s like without him that I haven’t even considered the words people have said or the way they must see me.

If depression was what I had been going through recently…. I need to apologize to my Mother and Brother for being such a hard person to get along with during the dark times they had to deal with�"what they labeled as depression.

 

Later that day at lunch, we all gathered outside once again. Like everyday.

“So, I told him to shove it. He wasn’t getting anything from me. I mean…” Lia huffed and bit on the ends of her nails. “I’m his freakin’ student. I’m not a piece of�"“

“I’m out.” Kane got up from his seat and began walking away from all of us. He hadn’t said one word to me. When I say one word.  I mean not even hello or duck. Given the latter is a pretty weird conversation starter but hey, it would have worked.

I guess I should be glad he hasn’t said anything. If Bryce were here, I wouldn’t have cared if Kane had said one word or even existed.

“After school is up we all get to go to town to get some supplies, you coming with us?”

I looked around and finally concluded Maurice had been speaking to me although her eyes were on the slice of cake on her plate.

I shook my head. “No. I think I’ll just send you out with a list of things, if that’s alright?”

“Of course.”

I pulled out a small tablet from my bag and wrote down a few things I had been needing the entire week�"then handed it over to her.

“Okay, got it. What are you going to be doing though?”

“I might do a few laps in the pool, if that’s allowed?”

“Yeah, totally. Just let the headmistress know where you are going and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Thanks.”

 

Before everyone got onto the buses, I sent in a message to the headmistress about me going to the pool. Once I had waited for the buses to leave, I went.

The entire gymnasium was empty. I had it to myself. No one else to bother me and more time to think. More time to reflect on my life here so far.

I threw aside the hoodie I had used to cover my frame the entire walk out here. I had chosen some boring black one piece suit, that was all I could pack. The dress code is pretty ridiculous.

If Bryce had been here, I would have smuggled one in. Even if it meant some sort of punishment�"like a padded room or something overly done.

I ran my eyes over the water. The light glistening on it’s surface only made the pain worse. I needed darkness�"I needed to feel like my soul did. I flipped the light switch and watched as the light blue of the water faded into a more darker, deeper feel. It wasn’t as safe and happy as it looked before. Now it seemed to have depths to it no one would guess. Depths like I had. We were alike in this moment�"The water and I.

I ran to it as if it were his arms. Jumped.

It was as if the sorrow I had filled inside of my mind were an actual element that could wrap itself around my form and sink deep into every inch of me. Into my hair, my eyes, my skin�"everywhere.

In that moment I didn’t need air. I needed only the darkness around me and the freedom of sinking. My lungs stung like my eyes, like my heart. I found peace in not allowing my eyes to open. I found pleasure in thinking about what my friends and family would do.

My family.

The ones who put me here. What would they think if a report came across their screen or  in their emails about me. About how no one was around to watch me, they thought there would be. How no one here helped fill the hole Bryce could only fit into.

How they did this to me.

My body began to panic with the lack of oxygen. Heart racing.

But before I could swim up, I felt strong arms wrap around my waist. I didn’t have to swim or put in any effort. The arms, that felt like Bryce’s, had come to my rescue.

He’s here. I thought to myself. Bryce has saved me.

In seconds my head was above the water, my body being pulled up onto the hard floor surrounding the pool.

I held onto my saviors hands, eyes shut. It would be him for as long as I needed. It would be him if the person wouldn’t speak.

I traced my fingers along theirs and inhaled the scent. Instantly I was reminded about how wrong it was to assume I could imagine the person as Bryce and actually make myself feel better.

“Kane.” I sighed�"pulling my body away from his.

“In the flesh.”

“Don’t you have other things to do?”

“Like?”

“Avoid me.”

“Funny. Didn’t know you were or I would have given you the time of day.”

“Finally. Kane has entered the building.”

“Anyway, shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

Had I been avoiding him? I remembered every second I had seen him from the moment we’d met. Every single one. Distinctly avoiding his gaze at lunch, being careful not to bump in to him, afraid of the moment we would touch. It was true. All of this time, I’ve been the one avoiding him. It wouldn’t change.

This wouldn’t change anything.

“Hmm.” Was all I could think of to say. I wasn’t sorry, so there was no need to apologize.

I made the mistake of actually looking over at him.

He was drying off his bare chest with a towel. Water was dripping from his hair and falling onto his skin. It created this beautiful glisten in the blue security lights that stayed on the entire time. The ones that usually kicked in when the main light was turned off.

He caught my gaze and a smirk that said I knew you would like what you see formed along his lips.

“Never seen eyes like yours.”

“Good.”

Just what I needed. Him to notice the same thing that Bryce did. How poetic.

“Would that be confidence I hear, Alice?”

“No. Just tired of everyone saying something about it�"Is all.”

“Mhm.”

“Mhm, right back at you.”

“Cocky, Nice.”

“You just annoy me.”

“That’s hardly fair.”

“How?”

“You don’t know me.”

“How about you tell me something about you then?”

“Ladies first.”

I scoffed. “Knew it.”

“I’m only being polite. You should do the same.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Do I look like the kind of person who would give random strangers…threats?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Then go ahead. Count it as one.”

“Then, no. I’m not telling you a thing.” I walked over towards my hoodie and picked it up off of the ground. “You’ll learn to be a little nicer next time.”

“Did I say what I would do if you didn’t?”

“No. But, I don’t care.”

“If you don’t go first, I might…” He glanced down at his hands and walked over towards me. “kiss you.”

This is why I’ve avoided him for so long. This is why I want to leave and not  talk. I’d rather jump back into the water. But knowing he’d jump right back in and grab me out made the decision not to do it�"easier.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then, if I were you…I’d go first.”

“No.”

“I’m stronger, faster. A kiss would be like a piece of cake.”

“Do you want a broken nose?”

“Wouldn’t mind one.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Why were you trying to kill yourself?”

“Wasn’t. I just needed time to think.”

“Under the water where you can’t breathe?”

“Right.”

“You aren’t sane, are you?”

“No.”

“Gonna tell me why not?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“What’s something good about  you?”

“Good?”

“Yeah. As in, something your parents would be proud of.”

“Nothing. I make sure I can’t give them something to boast about. Everytime they do, it pisses me off.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t stand for them to have something good to say about me. If  they have nothing but bad things to say,  it’ll make them look worse. Like the parents they should look like.”

“Why should they look like that?”

“Because they did a s****y job at raising me. Because I could care less about what other people think about me or them. I’d rather be talked about in a bad way than a good way. Regardless, I’m myself. Guess that’s all that matters.”

“What things do you do?”

“That would make the fifth question. It’s my turn. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

Allow Bryce to leave me…

I pushed the thought deep down. He couldn’t know the vulnerable state I was in. Couldn’t. Ever.

“I broke into someone’s house once…”

“Your turn.”

“What things do you do?”

“Set dorms on fire. Talk people into doing bad things. Break stuff, steal, smoke, drink…which list do you want? Sins or small things?”

“Wow.”

“Not really. I haven’t killed yet. Shame, huh?”

“Not really.”

Silence.

“Why?” I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Because Bryce and I needed a place to stay that night. The snow was horrible…” I trailed off and immediately regretted what I had said.

“Your turn.”

“Any siblings?”

“Nope.”

“Oh…”

“Bryce?”

“Ex boyfriend.” I pulled the hoodie over my frame and began walking alongside him. “Any piercings?”

“One in my right ear. You?”

“Ears and navel.”

“I’d like to see that…”

“I’m wearing a one piece.”

“I know.”

I shook my head. “Pervert, much?”

“Shy, much? Not like you have something I haven’t seen before. If you do, I’ll give you a thousand dollars though.”

“Funny. Dream career?”

“Don’t have one.” He paused for a second and nodded towards the door.

I followed on his heels as he led me towards the large clearing of trees nearest the fence.

“Let’s get a little more personal.”

“I don’t know about that…”

“Virgin?”

“No. You?”

“No.” He lit up a cigarette and put it in between his lips and inhaled slightly. The smoke billowed from his lips in the most artistic way I had ever seen. Maybe it was the fact that he reminded me of Bryce that made it seem different, but either way�"I needed to keep Bryce in my mind. “Best place you’ve been kissed?”

“My back, near my shoulder. How many girlfriends?”

“Zero. Smoke?”

“Once. Never stuck. Flings?”

“Stopped counting. Height?”

“Five-two. You?”

“Six foot.”

“Nice.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Why do you smoke?”

“Habit. Why were you sent here?”

“Parents thought I needed it.”

“Favorite place to be touched?”

“Neck. You?”

He chuckled. “Hair and back. How?”

“How?”

“How do you like to be touched on your neck?”

“Oh.” I blushed. “From my chest…up to my neck. I like it when..” I  trailed off. I didn’t know how to best explain it in words without it sounding completely lame.

“Show me…”

I brought my right hand to my chest, trailed it up to the left side of my neck and put my thumb against the bottom of my chin. I tilted my head back with my thumb in it’s place. “It feels more…personal.”

“Mhmm.”

I brought my hands back to my sides. Now, I felt stupid. “You?”

“I like when…let’s use you as an example so I don’t name anyone you might know…” He shook his head. “When you...get a good grip on my hair or on my back.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah…Ever thought of a different hair color?”

“I’ve tried blond.”

“No. How about red?”

“Red?”

“Well. Auburn.”

“I don’t know about it.”

“Why not? It’d suit you.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Ever broke any rules?”

“Pretty much. I’ve went out past curfew, skipped school, ate my dessert first, took my Mom’s car without asking…stolen from my brother. I don’t have to ask you, do I?”

“Nope.”

“Okay. Ever had a thing with anyone in the group?”

“Lia. What did you steal from your brother?”

“Clothes and money. How long did Lia last?”

“One night.”

“Oh…”

“It’s not like I’m only into one night stands, I’m just not the relationship type of guy.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“I know. It just looks like someone killed your cat.”

“Does not. I could care less about who you are with or how long you’re with them.”

“Sure.”

“How does someone do that here though?”

“Really? There’s plenty of places.”

“Oh…”

“You say oh a lot.”

“So?”

“Just pointing it out.”

“Why?”

“Don’t know.”

Silence.

“You know…” He exhaled and walked behind me. “Stay.” He quickly added before I could turn to face him. “…I’m really tired of you asking questions.”

“Okay.”

“I’d rather ask you than you ask me.”

“Why?”

“Not answering.”

“Then I’m not.”

“Fine. Just let me ask a few then you can catch up. Mmkay?”

“Okay.”

“Are you always so down about this…” I heard him inhale once again. “Bryce guy?”

“I’m sad. Yes.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Why not?”

“Because you should be living each moment to the fullest. As stupid as that sounds, you should. Stop dwelling on him.”

“You don’t know the story.”

“The story doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because no matter what scenery you put with the sorrow, it stays the same.”

“I�"“

I felt his breath on my neck and my heart began to race. What was he doing?

“Not everything is how you see it, Alice. You’re just making it harder on yourself and that…”

I felt his fingers run down my back then wrap around my waist. He pulled our bodies closer, my back to him. I didn’t move. Couldn’t move�"no matter how much I wiled my legs to get me away.

“will slowly, but surely…” his fingers gripped the zipper on the hoodie I was wearing and pulled it down. His other hand moving the sleeve along with my bathing suit strap off of my shoulder. “kill you.” His lips pressed quickly against my skin and he was gone.

I turned to glance back and all I could see was his form heading for the school building.

 

After  I had pulled my strap and sleeve back up, I made my way back to the school. What was that? Why did he…He remembered.

Remembered my favorite place I had been kissed.

Kissed by Bryce. Bryce’s lips had been there. Now tainted by Kane’s.

I smelled of him. His scent was masculine but not Bryce. His touch warm, his lips soft.

Was he toying with me? Was this all a joke?

Not knowing scared me but the thought that kept running through my mind was far more terrifying than not knowing…

Some part of me. Some small ounce was wanting more, was screaming for another second with him. The other part, Bryce, was ashamed and angry.

But which part was stronger? Which would win?