Forbidden Love

Well I have no beginning and I don't have an end. So let's start here.

         

It was safe now. I quickly emerge from my hiding place and begin moving closer to the chambers where the prisoners had been kept. Every detail of this time and place was being burned into the back of my mind; it would help getting out of here if I knew where everything is. Closing my eyes and breathing in deep, the smell of rotting flesh from the past captives who were my friends and family still lingered in the air. Breathing it in made me want to vomit. This day alone added the sense of danger but when I put every other aspect into thought it just sends my mind into frenzy. Every nerve in my buzzing is telling me Run…Get out of there…You will die if you go on any further, but you can still get out alive if you leave now. I have to continue though.

            The smell of my people’s misery made it difficult to concentrate, but I need to remember what I came here for. I am searching for her. I to keep reminding myself to stay on track, if my mind gets distracted then death could easily fall upon me, and without me she will die. Needing to find something to keep me focused. I stop moving to gather my thoughts. Breath in…Breath out…Breath in… She is here. Her smell is still faintly in the air, the sweet, delicate and defenseless one I had grown to know and love.

            The further I moved down the passage the more powerful the scent became. She is getting so close but why can’t I find her? I glance into every chamber, every time I see she is not there, my heart drops. Fear is the only thing I can feel, not because if I get caught I will die but because she will die if I fail this mission.  

            Chamber after chamber I continue to pass with her scent getting stronger and still, she is not in any of them. Where could she be? I am not only running out of cells but time also. With every one that I pass I get more and more worried. I finally came to the last one; I stop, just standing out of view to see into it. Stopping because I am scared of what I will find. Or worse, what I will not.

            If she wasn’t there I knew it was too late, that I had failed her. How long have I been standing here motionless? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I have to move forward, to find out if she is here. I hope with every part of me that she is here. Slowly I move forward. My heart beating so hard I couldn’t believe it was not audible to anyone but me. My breathing is coming to me in shallow breaths. Every step I take seems like years.

            Finally I can see into the chamber, she was there within the chamber. The shadows of iron prison bars from the moons soft light casting upon her beaten body. To anyone else's eyes she would not have been visible but my eyes were trained like the rest of my body to do things others can only dream of doing. She lay in the corner; her once perfect skin was now bruised and bloody because I failed to protect her from the evils between my kind and her own. The severity of her wounds looked as if she was on the brink of death, but I could not sure.

            I am frozen, watching her in slumber unable to move. Her wounds were horrid. They had tortured her, looking for answers to use against us. Yet she did not tell them anything. She would not tell them anything in order to keep me unharmed. How foolish had I been to get her involved in such a war. How much would she hate me for taking so long? I cannot think of these things right now, all that matters is finding her.

            I finally focus my attention to something else; the sound of her breathing, there was no hiding that she was in a lot of pain. She was taking short, labored breaths. I don’t know if I could bring myself to wake her, she would be in so much pain as soon as she became conscious.

            The situation was becoming more and more difficult. I knew we had to get out of here before morning but now seeing her in this condition, I am not sure we could do it. It would have been hard enough to get her out of here in perfect health.

*******************I don’t know what goes here yet.**************                        No, I won’t let her die. If she dies it will be no one else's fault but mine. She has brought me back from the darkness that I had been hiding in so long. I must save her and to do so, I knew what I would have to do; I was going to have to give myself to them. When morning comes, she will not be sentenced to death. I will let them take my life in place of hers.

Author's Note

I have had this story in my head for a long time. I would appreciate it if you would give me some feed back. I know I am horriable at spelling and grammar if you see mistakes please tell me about them. It is not finished and I do work on it a lot. So do me a huge favor and look at it. Thanks.:)

Reviews

[Paladin4life]

Ooh this is an intriguing piece. I can't help but wonder what has brought these two star crossed lovers to this dungeon of dispair. Why does the one lie injured in a cell and the other sit outside of it only bound by his love for her? I cant wait to see what you have up your sleeve with this story. I offer tow nuggets of advise for you. Be careful to not make too many "I" statements in a row. This is a hard thing to do in fist person perspective but it is definitely necessary. Also try not to repeat yourself. Instead of

"Death was now enevitable. In order to save her life I knew I would have to die. When morning comes, it is not her life sentenced to death. It will be mine"

Try something like

The shadow of death now loomed over us like a cat would a wounded field mouse. It is certain that the foul shadow will require one of our lives. I can not let it be hers! When the sun rises on the morrow, my life shall be her propitiation. It is a small price to pay to know my beloved shall live.

Let me know what you think. I hope that is helpful to you. I really love this story and can't wait to read more! Good job and God bless!

[Jon Gary Frost]

Good start. Break up the lines to create a format that starts and ends with the thoughts you try to convey (i.e. not one big run-on.) I had to re-read this a time or two to understand that your protagonist was looking at someone/something not dead, just badly beaten. It wasn't immediately clear that your protag wanted to give her life to save the person/thing behind the bars.

This sounds like it could really go somewhere. Keep at it and I hope you will grow this piece.