THAT MAN

An oldie... Scrolling through my files and this one popped up today...

In case you forget

in the midst of building empires

and some other monuments to self.

In case and in the midst of living

you neglect to times remind yourself.

As sunrise orange dawns

down in this Southern city,

I'm awake. Everything you gave is safe.

That man if tired, dispirited

if too far busy to reflect, that man.

Stays strong stays as intense

as though the years were seconds paused.

Tied to the words, I churn, I burn

paying homage, sometimes crucifying

but mostly sighing.

Oh that you were brave once

to finally let go. Else, gather me up

and keep the fire glowing, growing.

My monuments are words

your empire my existence.

I send silent reminders knowing

one or two will get to where you are

and warm you - unexpectedly.

Author's Note

Everyone please and Stefano - what is this? I like this one. Pointers???

Reviews

[Stefano Segnan]

I do not know what this is, I only know what this is for me. Presumably, you are asking about the form. Well, it resembles a chaotic experimentation with no visible result.

Pointers? As you said, it's an older one, however, next time you write try asking yourself: what do my stanzas want to achieve? Do they have this form to contain an idea or to create some musicality? What is the purpose of my stanzas? They do not seem to want achieve anything in this one. It could have been just one writing with no subdivisions.
Secondly, why are the verses the way they are? Why in the third stanza you break the second verse? This also happens in the sixth stanza. So, next time ask yourself, why do I want to write verses and not prose? What my verses want to achieve?

All other suggestions I have in my head seem too contrary with your writing style so I will ignore them.

[Elise Anton]

Thank you. That's what I thought. I didn't expect it had ANY style, just wanted to compare the older pieces... I appreciate you taking the time and speaking honestly :) Maybe one day I will go over those ones and try to turn them into either prose or something passable for poetry lol. Thanks again Stefano, always a pleasure to hear from you.

[Stefano Segnan]

I would advise against changing what was written and/or chew what was written before with the self of today. The only thing worth improving is the now, not the past. (;

[Elise Anton]

Yeah. The self of today is far removed... I only ever wrote 'poetry' through pain and emotional turmoil... Not much of that these days lol. Certainly more reflection going on right now and more 'observation'...

[Stefano Segnan]

Try writing a poem on these reflections then. Most of the poems we remember today are not about emotions, but about reflection and observation.

[Elise Anton]

Yeah, comes that time... Quite a challenge :)

[Davidgeo]

Makes me think of this place --- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crosby_Beach

I'm not you, by the way.... just thought I'd let you know. It seems there may have been some confusion on that topic.

I trust that's all worked out and you have no further need to address it.

[Elise Anton]

Huh. It kinda does... I think 'most people' agree along with me that you and I are different beings. The rest? Hey, they are entitled to their conspiracies... All good :)

[Davidgeo]

Do you like old Roman stoics? They can be a bit much sometimes but of course, they'd call me a p***y for saying that. "You should be like a rocky promontory against which the restless surf continuously pounds. It stands fast while the churning sea is lulled to sleep at its feet" Marcus Aurelius

[Elise Anton]

Huh! That's who I named my yougest boy Marcus after! What a strange coincidence, you mentioning him! Dylan on the other hand is a combo of Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas...

[Davidgeo]

God damn stoic hippy Australians. Clearly we are the same person. Actually, that kinda doesn't help to disprove that notion. Whatever... I could never afford the classy Spanish lifestyle you enjoy in downtown Madrid. Damn Mexicans...

[Elise Anton]

Sweden! How many times do I have to repeat my location? Clearly this proves we're not the same person. You'd know exactly where you lived lol

[richy]

Strange to watch someone talk to themselves. Wait I've made It stranger by also being you. What should I eat? Elise always wants kale salads and Hans meatballs but I feel like Sushi? Could you "I's help me?

[Elise Anton]

You can never go wrong with a pzza right? One third Vegan, one third meatballs and one third sushi-like... There. Every I's is taken care of. Enjoy, multiples :)

[Davidgeo]

Dog water... you may only consume dog water.

[Elise Anton]

Says you. But the I you drinks only filtered water. You you keeps forgetting!

[Davidgeo]

Dog waters can be filtered too!! Me thinks.

[Elise Anton]

Yeah... this involves bypassing the dog bowl in the first place? Don't talk about dogs ATM. Three in the morning and I'm cleaning dog-vomit from three different spots on the carpet upstairs. He wolfs down raw chicken wings without chewing. I warned the boys, I warned them... Then he slurps at the water in his bowl.

[Davidgeo]

FYI, in America... A.T.M. stands for A*s To Mouth.... just sayin... you're a dirty girl. Would you like to make a video tape with me?

[Elise Anton]

Thanks for the visual... At The Moment, our Automated Teller Machines only dispense cash... You guys are so ahead of us! And no.