WHO’S THE BULLY NOW?

I have been musing on an issue...

The word bully did not exist when I was growing up. The concept was around I’m sure; anywhere there are kids (or adults for that matter) there’s bound to be a hierarchy forming, and a top-dog rising… Part of human nature, one would assume.

I’ve been a victim of many things but bullied as a youngster - no. Sure there were the usual cliques; the ‘in’ girls, the ‘bad’ boys, the ‘nerds’ and so forth. Then again those were the days when as a girl you kept away from certain areas, such as the boy’s lockers on the ground floor outside the cookery room - a gauntlet you ran through, risking any amount of teenage-boy hand groping…

Today, all those young boys would probably be in therapy or on some mind-altering medication or kicked around schools were they to attempt similar behaviors. Back then we just got on with it. It was part of school-life. Some of those boys went on to become great people, sportsmen, academics, business executives. The girls - none of us suffered any permanent psychological ‘damage’. Today we’d probably be in therapy too I guess…

I was bullied as an adult. By other adults. Social Media has its benefits but has also given rise to the ‘keyboard-warriors’. I quit all Social Media several years ago and it has been a blissful time since.

I also taught my boys to use words; use language to overcome the new ‘bullying’ trend, on and off-line. I showed them the magical power of the word “And?” as a response to any insult flung their way. There is no come-back to this single word. One can say it as a response over and over and the ‘bully’ sooner or later runs out of insults. Quite fun to watch actually.

When I arrived on here about a month ago, I noticed a couple of things: Everyone was so nice! All the reviews - however ‘bad’ the piece of writing was - were positive, feel-good accolades. There were moments when I wondered if I’d somehow found my way into a Mutual Admiration Society disguised as a writer’s hang-out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for positivity and not tearing people down. But there was a level of discomfort; I was sensing that this mutual admiration was destructive rather than constructive, especially for the young and those of all ages just embarking on the great writing journey. I wrote a piece on mediocrity a while back, and yeah, I was feeling as though all this niceness everywhere was promoting and supporting this mediocrity.

How is a new writer to explore, expand, perfect, if their every offering is accompanied by gushing admiration from the readers? One learns any craft through correcting mistakes. We call ‘Masters’ those few who have perfected their craft; over a long period of time and after undergoing any amount of ‘botched’ and ‘butchered’ attempts. Usually the public never sees those, they see the perfected craft, the ‘Masterpieces’.

In this new world of computers and internet and instant connectivity, sites such as these have emerged. On the surface, they seem great - you are afforded the freedom to share your work, to expose it to the world by a mere click of a button. Everyone is a writer; everyone suddenly has the ability and the opportunity to ‘get out there’, mix with like-minded people, exchange offerings.

Problem is, these offerings are often the botched and butchered first attempts, the ones the world once never saw. None of us here are ‘Masters’, else we’d be sitting comfy in some place like L.A., sipping a martini poolside, watching the royalties pour in.

I have come across example after example of extremely poor work, cringe-worthy work. I have scrolled down and read bullshit after bullshit review, others seeing greatness where there is none, lauding a creativity that is non-existent. I have seen the creators of these botched pieces respond with “Awww…” and “:)” and any amount of feel good acronyms.

Everyone gets rewarded for encouraging this mediocrity. The writers, given time are awarded a little gold star, like in school. The reviewers in turn, given time, are awarded their own little thingy.

I’ve got a little gold star. Here’s the problem: Is it real? Am I to believe from this that my work merits it? In an environment where EVERYONE is lauded and where reviews have to be over a certain percentage (95% or higher!) to earn the top reviewer thingy, how good is my work REALLY?

Not everyone belongs to this society. I’ve met a few in my brief time here who dare to openly criticize and offer genuine feedback. Some do it nicely, some are quite brash and ‘in your face’ and some like me, work with new writers behind the scenes, when we spy raw talent and a willingness to work, to evolve.

What I am finding interesting is how people react to outright criticism, to the brashness of a few who say it as they see it. If it is crap, they call it crap. If it needs work, they say it needs work. Somehow, these people are perceived as ‘bullies’; and are hounded down, crushed, bullied so much that this dissuades others from openly speaking their mind. In the end they get banned from the site. The status-quo of mediocrity and feel-good brotherhood is thus maintained.

I have to question here, who the real bullies are. Are they the people who believe in truth and in honest opinion and in their right to voice this opinion on the premise that they are helping? Or are they the emergent warriors, quickly rising to defend the ‘hapless victims’ of this honesty? Their excuse sits on the premise that a bad review i.e. a negative review is unwelcome here, as this is a nurturing, supportive environment.

My argument is that these warriors who spew out bullish and despicable words in defense of mediocrity ought not to emerge. Life is tough. Young people and new writers need to learn how to defend themselves, how to take in criticism in whatever form it arrives and learn from it. On their own. This builds resilience and generates the need/desire to improve, perfect their craft. 

It is partly the fault of this site, the giving out of all these little thingies on your profile others see and aspire to gain. I have three now, and I don’t ‘trust’ any of them. I’m getting a fourth one soon, that of ‘top reviewer’. Honestly? I only review work I feel merits my positive review. The botched and butchered pieces I leave alone, as I cannot award them low points or speak sincerely. (More on this later.) So this new thingy coming my way soon is probably the only one I merit, but it too sits on falsity, because I have been selective in the work I review.

The past few days, my news-feed has been full of a mix of mutual-admiration and atrocious bullying. Quite innocently, I stumbled into a situation where the warriors were on the attack. Defending ‘hapless’ women (including myself) and others who have fallen prey to ‘honesty’. I’m far from hapless and certainly not in need of any male(s) coming to my rescue.

I took the criticism aimed my way and turned it into word-play, a glib banter. I rather enjoyed it. Then again I am older and perhaps significantly more resilient than some of the budding writers on here. Regardless, what I was reading - I can only say it took a great amount of self-control not to engage.

In hind-sight, I should have engaged, thus this piece. See, I was surrounded by all this admiration I almost fell victim to the mediocrity. I almost joined the ‘Society’, fearing a back-lash, fearing my being banned from this place which despite its issues, still attracts me, still inspires me.

I fear for the new generation overall. I fear for young/new writers the most. I say to you now, openly ask for criticism. Never accept praise or feel-good accolades on face-value. Fight. Get out of the cocoon of niceness and political correctness and see your work for what it is. Early, botched attempts at a craft many spend a lifetime perfecting and even then, find they have run out of time.

To reviewers and seasoned writers, I say cut the bullshit. Forget that little thingy pushing you to reward where reward is not merited. Help young talent openly or behind the scenes but HELP them. Don’t fear speaking the truth. Truth is good. Criticism is good. Praise is good, when it is merited.

Do any of you honestly KNOW how good your craft is? Do you believe the false niceties and accolades? Is there a part of you- like there is in me - which questions the validity of every ‘review’ you receive? There should be.

Here’s the thing: I had a very early poem sitting unnoticed under the title ‘Spring 2012’. Uninspiring title, right - but that was how I headed all my work on notebooks when I was writing out and about.

What did I do? I changed the title. Suddenly it became the best thing since sliced bread. It got more reviews than any of my other pieces - some of which are far superior. It became a wagon everyone jumped on and gloriously lauded, trying to outdo each other in praise. My somewhat cynical mind watched with amusement. A background in Sales and Marketing comes in handy sometimes…

I played the game, responding with profuse thanks and appreciation in turn. It’s a game. Give nice, receive nice. Do it often enough and you start to believe it’s real. Your work is that good! Is it? Your review is honest and free from the pressure to conform and speak within the PC guidelines! Is it?

Author's Note

I am really not looking for reviews here. I am looking for honest and open discussion. Am I wrong? Prove it. Am I right? Prove it.

Reviews

[Lola Nad]

I have to agree with you here. A nice review is always nice, but it's not helpful either. If it's only to say how great the writing is, sure, that's nice to hear, but what's the point in the end? It's true that you won't get better at it just because someone said they liked your work. Criticism is constructive and the only way to go, I think, and i agree that there is nothing wrong with telling someone the truth.
However, where I disagree is that no everyone see a piece of writing similarly. Something that you will find mediocre at best might just look incredible to another. There is so many different opinions and different ways to view a writing (be it book or poetry) who's to say what is good and what is bad?
To me, writing is about what I feel when I write and when I read what I wrote. It's about the emotion raised to the reader, even if it's different from mine.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Reading this piece raised many questions in my mind. You have pointed out the right thing.. I joined this site 3 months back, uncertain of whether I could write or not. Maybe I can write.. But not good enough.. But the only reviews I mostly get are nice and gushing with appreciation.. I don't believe one of them as I know what I'm worth of writing... Most of the writers know that too, they aren't just ready to accept it.. At first when I reviewed other's writings, I used to give constructive criticism. That either didn't get a response or else the writer said thank you and went along, not changing the pointed out mistakes.. I changed the strategy.. Only reviewing pieces I liked or else to return a favour.. I'm not saying I'm a great reviewer.. But its a bit disconcerting to lead on a writer into believing they are the best.. This site is a good medium for amateur writers like me to post their work to see if its worth publishing but unfortunately people aren't ready to give constructive criticism. I have actually seen writings with an author's note of "please give nice reviews"
What's the point of posting if you don't want to really know its worth! so I would say you are right, absolutely right in saying all these things..

[annalysiar]

To be honest, i think you are both wrong a right. And i say this mostl pretaining to the site its self.
I mean, im a writer, tbough not published. Nor do i havr a degree in english or even writng or editing for that matter.
However, i see writing for the feel, thr flow, and i try and understsnd what brought someone to write said peice. I could care less for reciews or rewards. This is something that is done by any site out there. Its a matter of prospective. Tbis site isnt about populatiry so mucb as it is about having a place to express ones self.
Now i agree about todays generation amd i share your concerns. But dare i say that is for a different paper all together. The arguemrnt for bullying to me, only strung so far on this peice.
And where i admire your feelings and your honesty i hope to stste. Thsy opinions are opinions. And what gives thrm merit is tbe response

[alanwgraham]

I have joined the site recently and have been biding my time, sussing things out. I broadly agree with what you have said here. I think most of us do suffer from a degree of insecurity about our writing and getting the teachers gold star makes you feel good - until you realise all the rest are getting it too! Some of us might think our writing is OK or great or crap but we don't really 'know' and anyway there is no formula to figure out the quality of poetry or art or any creative enterprise.
One thing does worry me a bit though and that is that for every good writer there are undoubtedly many less talented writers. Who would we be left with if we started giving out realistic reviews of the type 'stick with crochet' - the answer might be not the best writers but those that are most opinionated! My own approach is to try to assess the goals of the writer and tailor my revue to match.
eg A wants an honest opinion - give it!
You have done well to bring up this very relevant discussion point. Hopefully something positive will come out!
Alan
Now - I tremble to ask - will you give me an honest review of my story 'A tale of two cafes'

[Elise Anton]

Apologies for the delay in responding. This particular piece raised many an argument and some very valid points. I completely understand your views on "who would be left". I believe however that honest reviews, given through a mutual understanding that they are offered and accepted 'constructively' and not 'destructively', will go a long way towards helping both writers and reviewers perfect their respective crafts.

No need to tremble - that's just too funny! If you have read any of my reviews then you will see total 'constructiveness' and absolutely no 'destructiveness'. I might on occassion ask for some further clarification, or if the piece warrants deeper thinking, I will correspond privately. That's how I am :) I will take a look, give me a couple of days, and thanks for contributing to this topic!

[mattavelli]

I didn't grope the girls or play bully in school. I've always been thoughtful. I try to behave politely. It makes life easier.
This is a networking site. We display and discuss writing. You want to discuss the discussion. Great :)
For the most part, I leave comments on writing that I like. I give suggestions.
I often find writing that I don't want to get involved with. I don't work here. I don't feel bad about anything I do here.
Its funny that the knights rode in to rescue you. Could you link that for me?
Good job changing that title from 'spring 2012'!
When I read the reviews that I receive, I do not switch into moron mode.
I have the top reviewer title... took two years of site activity...
I'm polite when I give reviews, but some people block me anyway.

[Elise Anton]

Hi Mattavelli, thanks for stopping by. A few things:
Politeness makes life easier? For you? What does it do for the other person though?
You only review work you 'like'? Is this part of the politeness? What about all those other writers who need advice - do we all ignore them out of politeness and let them float on niceties? You called it networking yet you display 'selectivity' - we all do on here, we pick our favourites, circle our wagons and call it mutual admiration... only not using those words.
Why would you want a link to my "knights"? I find this odd. Do you desire to join them or oppose them? Your intentions are unclear.
Took you two years to get the 'top reviewer' thingy? Took me a month, and I never once lied or glad-handled. I speak as I feel.
You get blocked anyway? This statement is the most interesting. Despite your politeness and staying away from people you don't "want to get involved with"? Does this then not reinforce the need for the observations above and the ensuing discussion????
This is NOT a networking site. It is a writing space. Creativity is objective. This should also be an 'unsafe space', because we should not come here to feel safe from the world, or to be comforted. Writing is the mind interpreting ideas and emotions... Sharing these publicly comes with a certain vulverability: the reaction of others. It also brings with it a certain 'bravery'. Every time each of us clicks the 'publish' button, we have fought all types of demons. Bravery must be lauded therefore. But saying that, if we keep biting our tongues every time we come across some writing that 'bothers us' and we pass it by, we are guilty of not only cowardice but also of disservice.

I am not 'attacking' you. Your views reflect those of the majority. No great surprise. I am simply pointing out that you - with your selectivity and acknowledgment of 'moronic' reviews (ie the typical reviews on here) - reinforce this mutual admiration thing going on. Hope this makes sense :)

[mattavelli]

Lots of HUGs for you. You are a very special person. I'm guessing you misunderstand the majority of what people say. Haha

[Elise Anton]

I "misunderstand?" Speak plainly man, I don't do 'wave of the hand' statements. I am nothing special, trust me. No different to everyone else, posting with the same 'bravery' and facing the same ensuing 'vulnerability'. Only difference is I welcome mind play, and REAL observations/critiques. The path to growth lies not in platitudes but in verbal smacks across the head. These lead to self-examination and at times a reality check. Like I said, we are all masters... but only in our own heads. I accept the hugs though. One should never decline a hug.

[mattavelli]

Glad I could help :)
Sometimes people get stuck in their heads, no big deal.

[Jerryyoung1z]

I had to read this a couple of times before my brain could think of a way to reply. I was dumbstruck by the honesty in this piece. I've seen a couple of writings and the reviews are all butterflies and roses, no negative feed backs. I think what the people(like me) do is to review the nice writings and skip those which needs to be hammered, chiseled, pressed, smoothend and ironed. No one wants to give a negative(but honest) review. The truth is always shielded behind a pile of fluffy pillows, which doesn't always help. The reviews should be balanced, be commended in the part where you did well, and be corrected in the part where you need to work on. I think there are three kinds of people, those who are dishonest, those who are honest and those who use honesty like a spear. I think I know just which group you're in.

[Elise Anton]

You have me a little confused - which for me is refreshing! I wish you had expanded further, if indeed criticism was warranted - in your thinking. You described the issue I have, working within this system. If you have placed me in the third group, then I can only say thank you. If not, then I would sincerely welcome your views. This piece was primarily about generating discussion, understanding whether it was simply me presenting my OWN views, or whether others had experienced similar misgivings... Thanks for taking the time to read, and as I stated, I welcome further feedback :)

[Jerryyoung1z]

My last line about there being three kinds of people was just for fun, but yeah, I place you in the third group. You're like a cry in the desert that doesn't need a micro phone with mighty speakers to be heard, your voice is carried by the breeze and deposited in every heart, telling them the right thing to do. When ever I write something, I see it as perfect, I always try an atmosphere of positivity around me and never look down on my self, so it's left to you to correct me where I'm wrong and guide me through. But no, that's not what happens here, every work is called a masterpiece, excellent and blah blah blah okay now I'm ranting lol

[Elise Anton]

Got you. We're all geniuses really. In our minds at least... Takes a courageous soul to point out otherwise without appearing to know 'better'. I like honesty. In life and in my work. Pretending the elephant is not in the room and sipping on tea and biscuits... sometimes I gag. Now I'm ranting...

[Davidgeo]

hahahah.... oh... that's lovely. The anti jerk off jerk off session. I can laugh if I wanna.

[Elise Anton]

Of course you can. Laughter is good for the soul.

[Davidgeo]

Depends on the tone... Buffalo Bill had a good time too but I ask that the lotion be put on differently than Bill asked.

For the sake of the soul... I laugh at all death.

[Davidgeo]

Bill was too specific.. maybe evil

[Davidgeo]

A causer of death... not so funny

[Elise Anton]

How did we get to BB??? That's a big leap even for you.

[Davidgeo]

"It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again".... is that not great poetry? Bill should always be on your mind... like, it's totally normal.

[Jerryyoung1z]

No offence Hans, but I read your comments and I can't find a thing meaningful there.

[Davidgeo]

Not a damn thing... like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, probably not real. But very possible my dear.

[Davidgeo]

I bet my 3 dollar bill looks better than your 3 dollar bill though. High five if you know what I mean!!!

[Elise Anton]

I can only offer up a 5 dollar bill. The rest is coins. They took away our paper versions. Not much value to them. Only a weighty wallet. How's your fiver????

[barleygirl]

I've come back to this a couple times, trying to decide how to respond. You've stated many things other people have experienced or thought about on this website & it also pertains to other writers websites. You've stirred up some good discussion, which I believe is your primary goal in writing this. But most of all, I just don't feel this approach is very productive for me. We can only control our own actions. In this way, we can try to offer an example of what we would prefer this website to be. It's an energy drain to rant about those who do not try to get some true value from this experience, so I'll just leave them to their own devices. I know you are trying to be the change you want to see . . . that's what really matters.

[Elise Anton]

Thanks barleygirl, I knew you were staying away from this because of the mess it stirred. The visible stuff was me voicing some frustration and inviting discussion. The behind the scenes - young writers contacting me and asking if we could effect change so that they really understood the quality of their work and could thus improve it - I understood from the sheer number that many were feeling this way but were unable or too timid to voice their concerns. Initially, I regretted publishing it, but in the days since... And now that it has settled down into a more moderate discussion, truthfully, I don't regret it. You know I have a soft spot for those willing to engage and interract and perfect their craft. I'm far from an expert in any sense but if I can contribute something... that means everything.

[barleygirl]

No, this needed to be said, becuz everybody feels some part of your essay, now & again. I feel those who want genuine help with their writing will gravitate to reviewers like you & I & many other good ones here. Our cumulative efforts will turn the tides . . . so the whiny suckers will fade into the background, I hope! You are very caring & attentive about helping young writers. I admire the amount of time & effort you put into it, Elise.

[Elise Anton]

I don't know what it is but despite my age, young people feel they can approach me. Real life too. I'm friends with my sons' friends and we often discuss issues. Dylan thinks I missed my calling, I should have been a teacher lol. "Everything is a life-lesson with you mum!"...

[barleygirl]

That's really beautiful, the last line of your latest message! Yes, I tend to take life too seriously, as well, usually trying to turn everything into a lesson. I also have lots of kids on this website clamoring for help. The difference between you & me -- I will give an honest review to the best of my ability, but you will continue on & work with a person quite a while until the poem is much improved. What you do takes much more time & tact, which I don't have so much of these days.

[Elise Anton]

Hey that's not a bad thing that you don't have time lol! I'm stuck in a house pretty much 24/7 atm, used to only care for dad but now mum's gotten unwell... so therefore the time... I'm up pretty much 24/7 lol. get a couple of hours sleeo here and there. Fun times. This is the middle of the night over here, it's quiet and yeah, writing and reading/helping is what keeps me sane lol. Don't undersell yourself, you do amazing work on here with young writers, you tell it like it is and much respect for that :)

[hcarson]

I do agree with this. Im new here and have had very few reviews yet and to be to be honest the ones i had were fair, they said what they liked and where could he improved and that is exactly what im after. I normally show my family the stuff i write so of course its all excellent according to them ..but obviously it isnt at all.Hence being here to try and get a more unbiased view. I would never tell someone their work is 'crap' however lol, I would hope to put it just as honestly in a kinder fashion, but i get your point and agree totally.

[Elise Anton]

Thanks for contributing to the discussion hcarson and welcome! I have a rather decent group of friends and if you like, wander around among them and their work and see if you'd care to join?

[hcarson]

Yea definitely intersted in that, I'm just trying to find my way around here and see how it all works somthat group would he helpful, thank you..which is it?

[Elise Anton]

Just look at my friends and check out their work. Become a friend to me or anyone else who inspires you among them... We've somehow found each other and work well amongst ourselves :)

[hcarson]

Will do, thank you so much :)