LAST FREE FALL

Are you? Can you?

Are you ahead?

Perhaps around the bend,

is that why

I can't see you?

Not that I'm looking.

Too busy packing up

the parachute

from yet another

fruitless free-fall.

If you are there

if it is really You,

I'll need chains

and whips and

a cellar to dwell in.

Pin me down, hold

me fast, shade

my eyes if it is really You.

Splash the cellar gold

so that my skin glows

and as your final gesture

please burn my parachute.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is one of the best reads I've happened upon in awhile! I just love the way you've crafted a strong analogy thru-out that literally sings with honesty, yet with a bit of playfulness, too. I love that everything is expressed in startlingly new imagery . . . not the same ole, same ole! Most of all, I can almost feel a bit of trepidation as the narrator proclaims the last line with pseudo-bravery! Bravo! Love it!

[Elise Anton]

Thank you. Means a lot, you know that :)

[Davidgeo]

I see what Stefan might have been talking about.

Betcha I can make you better at poetry than you are at any kind of prose.

Prose is too direct to say anything truly earthy shattering and devastating.... would you agree with that?

I like when people crush themselves... figure it out when I'm off around the counter already... prose is too.. ugh, "before I'm around the corner" type of telling. I'm a f*****g coward of a killer.

[Elise Anton]

I agree somewhat. Less is often better than more? I know a single 'sentence' poem once shattered me...

[Davidgeo]

Well, there is a music you could add to your words here. Normally I am all about word economy. But sometimes you gotta add a little flavor.

Poetry is like cursive writing to me... add a little flair to that s**t and it appeals the mind artistically.

[Davidgeo]

in this instance

[Elise Anton]

Suggestions??? (very welcomed)

[Davidgeo]

You want me to re write it for you? That's what suggestions here would entail, there isn't a lot of specific meat to work with. I'll try anyway.


"Pin me down, hold
me fast, shade
my eyes if it is really You."

Abandon that scheme.... "pin me down hold/ me fast, shade......" that's not style that's clumsy writing.

There is a halting and choppy essence to the flow, it's just not pleasant to read. For my taste anyway. Some people like that stuff.

[Davidgeo]

If I told you what I would like to specifically hear stylistically it would defeat the personal nature of poetry.

[Elise Anton]

There's collaboration right? Two people (or any number) can create a single work, can they not?

[Davidgeo]

Well, aren't we the same person? Can you just call it your boner and get jiggy with it big willie style? Dog?

[Davidgeo]

I'm writing about pirates at the moment anyway.... have you read that bat s**t crazy word porn Ive been making lately? It gets me off but, I don't know, you may not want my input at this time..... I will punch a kangaroo in the face if you give me even a small amount of cocaine

[Elise Anton]

Yes, Yes, No, No.

[Davidgeo]

pirates... but not really about pirates

[Sandra Nair]

One of the beautiful works I have ever come across. Personally, I loved it and it entered as one of my favorite poems. Thank you for such a wonderful poem, Elise.

[Elise Anton]

Thanks Sandra, always appreciate you stopping by and reading :)

[Sandra Nair]

O..IT'S MY PLEASURE.

[AliciaB]

Wow. This is a fun poem. I love the frank, almost flippant tone, especially in the third stanza. The last two lines are by far my favorite. Just adding that "please" in there - it's one of those ways that a single word can have such an impact on a poem. It's funny in its "politeness", but also very serious in its connotations. The meaning of this poem is ambiguous enough to really get me thinking. Excellent work!

[Elise Anton]

Thanks Alicia, I appreciate your views. I rarely revisit 'poems' like this. It was a fleeting impression and emerged in one breath. Long story behind it, but isn't there always? Readers like yourself make me go back and 'see' it with new eyes. The word "please" you mention. I tried mentally removing it and understood its impact!

As for the ambiguity you are spot on, without going into any detail. Good call.