LOVE UNSPOKEN

Aye, this is something different indeed.

Since I rarely write prose, and when I do it's nothing alike, I cannot help you with the structure: if it wasn't in two colours it would be a little confusing, especially the mental interactions. However, I concluded that it does not matter who said what, because they are having the same thoughts! The last mental interaction is perfectly clear.
The style is alright as well. Nothing to add there.

Since you asked the question "would you read on?", here is what I think: depends.
The shortness of the narrative and the lack of a more developed story fits the sporadic meetings of the protagonists and the mental interactions. The story breaks in the end, leaving it in a cliffhanger. Though I can imagine there are people that like closure, I am perfectly fine with it, because I do the same in my writings. Leaving it as it is, means showing a glimpse of what is happening everyday and what will continue to happen in different ways. In other words, the short structure fits the story.
On the other hand, curiosity and imagination are set to work anyway, so if you're not going to continue it, my heart and mind might. So it is a story that you can leave alone like this, or continue it.
So, to answer your question simply: yes I would read on, but I would be perfectly satisfied with how it is.

I really enjoyed the story as it is something that happens quite often, and it kind of happened to me as well (I wrote it in the poem Cicada's Nights, part real-life and part fiction), so I can relate to those feelings and troubles. You pictured really well the problems of liking and seeing someone often and not talking to them. The friends of the protagonists in the story emphasise the continuing distraction that keeps them from interacting, especially acting, and that reflects well real life situations.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Haha never submitted a review on my own work but I couldn't stand the two-colour thing going on so I had a sleep on it and woke four hours later with this... I like it better. I feel more comfortable continuing with it now. Hope you guys agree!
Let me know if it is more difficult to follow?

Posted 8 Years Ago

Aye, this is something different indeed.

Since I rarely write prose, and when I do it's nothing alike, I cannot help you with the structure: if it wasn't in two colours it would be a little confusing, especially the mental interactions. However, I concluded that it does not matter who said what, because they are having the same thoughts! The last mental interaction is perfectly clear.
The style is alright as well. Nothing to add there.

Since you asked the question "would you read on?", here is what I think: depends.
The shortness of the narrative and the lack of a more developed story fits the sporadic meetings of the protagonists and the mental interactions. The story breaks in the end, leaving it in a cliffhanger. Though I can imagine there are people that like closure, I am perfectly fine with it, because I do the same in my writings. Leaving it as it is, means showing a glimpse of what is happening everyday and what will continue to happen in different ways. In other words, the short structure fits the story.
On the other hand, curiosity and imagination are set to work anyway, so if you're not going to continue it, my heart and mind might. So it is a story that you can leave alone like this, or continue it.
So, to answer your question simply: yes I would read on, but I would be perfectly satisfied with how it is.

I really enjoyed the story as it is something that happens quite often, and it kind of happened to me as well (I wrote it in the poem Cicada's Nights, part real-life and part fiction), so I can relate to those feelings and troubles. You pictured really well the problems of liking and seeing someone often and not talking to them. The friends of the protagonists in the story emphasise the continuing distraction that keeps them from interacting, especially acting, and that reflects well real life situations.

Posted 8 Years Ago