Paws off, ladies! Brad Pitt marries himself

I read a bunch of tabloids then wrote this story

Brad Pitt became Los Angeles’ first one-person couple last Saturday.

Before an intimate gathering of friends (and our wily photographer Nate, wedged beneath the topiary) the 56 year-old stud vowed enduring commitment to himself through sickness and health, in good times and bad. 

Guests looked to one another for clues as to how to react. One man’s fanatical applause got a small celebratory thing going, but a sizable contingent remained steadfast in their exchange of grimaces, cheek clicks, and knowing glances. “I could only see people from the knee down, but I could sense everyone’s uncertainty. A lot of clenched toes,” dished our source. 

After sealing the ceremony with a series of kissing noises (overwrought, to our source’s ears), Pitt-Pitt addressed the crowd. “I’ve finally found someone I can stand!” met with a smattering of embarrassed chuckles. “No, but really though, it was this or suicide. Might be this and suicide!”

“That’s when things got really weird,” spilled an insider. “He definitely sounded sincere. There was a long silence afterward, saw a lot of tap-tapping, shuff-shuffling.”

The mood superficially lightened as the band began to play. Pitt-Pitt waltzed across the dance floor in a bizarre pantomime of a slow dance, arms wrapped around himself in a too-tight hug. Desperate cries for help and transcendent performance art are really hard to tell apart, experts say.

Cake served, glasses raised, Pitt-Pitt beamed. The first fray of unraveling or pure genius? Your guess is as good as ours.

Reviews

[Vol]

Elizabeth,
He's a symbol of Hollywood, worshipped by the unwashed masses, including himself. Jobs that require someone to tell them what to say, when to say it what to do, and when to do a, somehow that translates into great wisdom, so now they are hired out to tell the mob how to think, and what to think, as though
possessed of wisdom. People are a great disappointment to the gods.
Vol